For confronting my elderly Mum's toxic friend?

[BobbyBiscuits]

Hi, I'm new here so soz if I do anything wrong, lol. Advice much appreciated..

My Mum has had this mate, for about 30 years. Mum is widowed and single, aged 84. Her mate is single and mid-late 70s.

Throughout their friendship, this lady has always tried to manipulate my mum, in the guise of 'helping' her. It started when they first met, she would give these awful cheesy self help books, some on the subject of "assertiveness'. Ironic really as she was always trying to push my mum into doing things and she didn't let her assert herself.

My mum always used to go along with her mate, letting her choose activities etc. The mate had a caravan and would drag my Mum there, making her sleep on the floor, while guests in their 30s were given a bed. She forced my Mum to get a Blue Badge so she could use it ( Mum doesn't have a car/ can't drive)

She once told my mum that she thought I was dying (with an unusually smug look on her face) when I was admitted to hospital with a worrying but not life threatening illness.

Her behaviour always disturbed me, but recently the mate has been helping mum with shopping as she has a car and mum isn't mobile enough to carry shopping anymore. (I always shop for her as well and we have online deliveries so she does not rely on this woman, though it's useful).

Today her mate called, saying she wanted to take her shopping. Mum was in bed, but she got up and made the effort as her mate was nearby and she did need a few bits. During the shopping trip my mums mate started berating her and shouting at her. Mum is disabled and takes longer than her mate to do stuff.

I found this out when she returned in tears. Apparently her mate snapped at her and shouted/ swore at her when she simply tried to take the trolly towards the boot of the car.

I am so angry with mum's friend for the way she treats her, and today she made her cry. I am really tempted to call this woman and explain she is toxic and it's bang out of order to do this. She has history with bullying and coercing other people and has lost quite a few friends over it before. But as my mum is nice she tries to still be her friend but the woman totally takes the mick.

Would it be reasonable to call her out, or not? Mum is at the end of her rope with her, but hasn't the balls to defend herself I don't think.

Do it. She needs to know that your mother cannot be treated that way.

That woman is no friend to your mum, she is clearly a bully who is using your mum to her own ends. She is toxic.

Absolutely do it. Hopefully you can chase her off for good.

Absolutely! Also speak to your mum about establishing firmer boundaries. Explain that her mate is abusive.

If she was your mom's age, how does madame think she would manage. Confront the witch. Your mom may be an adult but she's getting on and is probably exhausted by all the drama.

I would have torn her head off years ago and banned her from being anywhere near my mum, by restraining order if needs be.

Thanks everyone for your replies, I think I should confront her....I guess I need to sleep on it, lol. Get the voodoo doll out, haha!

Yes, tell her what time it is! She's likely not used to people talking back.

It's up to your mum if she wants you too, I presume she is of sound mind to know if she wants to be spoken of like she isn't in the room

If she wants you to do if not I would respect what she wants, so it works for her and not just to stop you for feeling guilty

Sleep on it (plan exactly what you're going to say) and then bite the bullet. If you go hard enough and far enough then this problem won't rear its ugly head again.

It’s really up to your Mum. She’s the one that will deal with the fallout.

She's bullying your mum. Because she's been doing that all along, I don't think she'll stop. How will you keep her away from your mum in future?

@BobbyBiscuits
This woman comes across as the mainly the friend your mother has got,

If so ?

You could help your mother build up her cofindence to create a much better genuine circle of friends than this so called friend,

It sounds as if your mother needs struggles with not only knowing her own self worth but clearly with creating and sticking with robust boundaries too,

This woman is getting off a kick and feeding of your mother insecurities,
this woman is bad news all round now wonder 😕 she has losed other friends victims scattered along the way,

This kind of person your mother has acctracted for considerable time in her life,
there are unfortunately in life

Shit people who target people for all kinds of reasons,

This woman is obviously no friend of your mums she is no friend of anyone's either,

but she sense your mother's good nature and insecurities and plays on them treats your mother like a fool which she isn't,
It's just your mother gives her the benefit of thr doubt way too much and feels sorry for her,
obviously deep down she knows she could do better for a friend than this one,
but something in your mother's psyche, that makes her not good enough vunerable too, could even go back to childhood maybe,
makes your mother feel overwhelmed with insecurities,

this so called shit friend of your mother is clearly disablist too boot,

Has your mother had disability health issues along as she has known this toxic friend ?

I think if your mother and you could encourage her with this started to attend hobbies interests groups such as arts and crafts obviously other activities too if possible,
Your mother would soon start seeing a difference in her social life allmost straight away
Make it along as your mother is OK happy with this her new years resolution type of thing,

Strangley enough i could relate to aspects of your mumsnet thread personally especially your mum with her friend

Over the years I've acctracted some good friends but also a few shockers of so called friends too could start a mumsnet thread about that

L.o.l i can relate to the dark houmour of dolls 🪆 with pin 📌 cushions through them very much so...

Oops typo mistake
I ment to say something in your mums psyche makes her feel not good worthless ect,

I see this slightly different - this woman needs your mum.
She clearly has no other friends and in your mother she’s found a quiet, polite, kind woman who doesn’t talk back.
Your mother is easy to manipulate and bully.
Get this harmful woman out of your mum’s life.

You mean, you havent confronted her already??!

I forgot to mention this toxic friend just like other toxic personalities disorders people out there,

senses kindness as a weakness vulnerabilities to exploit to the maximum for their personal benefit,

and vunerabilities and insecurities in the same way,

these kinds of people target people they percieve as being easy to exploit for a better life for themselves to the detrimental often of others,

They see friendship as convient opportunities with obvious benefits...

Typo mistake word needs *

just to clarify i ment in previous thread to obviously encourage your mother to attend hobbies interests groups
to lesson the intensity of this toxic friendship.

the Influence .

If someone treated my mother like that, I would make them extremely sorry they were born.

Just out of curiosity, does the friend keep hold of the blue badge? Mark sure she hands it back before telling her where to go if she does. What a awful woman.

Yes confront her so she knows you have your mums back.

You also need to take her power away by making sure your mum is not reliant on her for anything. No more little shopping trips. It would be difficult for you to berate and then be like “but can you still pop round on Thursday cos she needs some more milk”.

You should maybe clarify with your mum if she would be happy with no more contact at all with this woman because that would be easy, you could just tell her to back off.
However, if your mum still wants to be friends, you will need to put her in her place more diplomatically to ensure friend doesn’t just head over to your mums with a load of drama and guilt.

Yes contact this woman asap and make a list of all the abuse she has inflicted on DM. Point out re. the Blue Badge being illegal. Remind her you could go to police.

Definitely do it.