For confronting my elderly Mum's toxic friend?

[BobbyBiscuits]

Hi, I'm new here so soz if I do anything wrong, lol. Advice much appreciated..

My Mum has had this mate, for about 30 years. Mum is widowed and single, aged 84. Her mate is single and mid-late 70s.

Throughout their friendship, this lady has always tried to manipulate my mum, in the guise of 'helping' her. It started when they first met, she would give these awful cheesy self help books, some on the subject of "assertiveness'. Ironic really as she was always trying to push my mum into doing things and she didn't let her assert herself.

My mum always used to go along with her mate, letting her choose activities etc. The mate had a caravan and would drag my Mum there, making her sleep on the floor, while guests in their 30s were given a bed. She forced my Mum to get a Blue Badge so she could use it ( Mum doesn't have a car/ can't drive)

She once told my mum that she thought I was dying (with an unusually smug look on her face) when I was admitted to hospital with a worrying but not life threatening illness.

Her behaviour always disturbed me, but recently the mate has been helping mum with shopping as she has a car and mum isn't mobile enough to carry shopping anymore. (I always shop for her as well and we have online deliveries so she does not rely on this woman, though it's useful).

Today her mate called, saying she wanted to take her shopping. Mum was in bed, but she got up and made the effort as her mate was nearby and she did need a few bits. During the shopping trip my mums mate started berating her and shouting at her. Mum is disabled and takes longer than her mate to do stuff.

I found this out when she returned in tears. Apparently her mate snapped at her and shouted/ swore at her when she simply tried to take the trolly towards the boot of the car.

I am so angry with mum's friend for the way she treats her, and today she made her cry. I am really tempted to call this woman and explain she is toxic and it's bang out of order to do this. She has history with bullying and coercing other people and has lost quite a few friends over it before. But as my mum is nice she tries to still be her friend but the woman totally takes the mick.

Would it be reasonable to call her out, or not? Mum is at the end of her rope with her, but hasn't the balls to defend herself I don't think.

Give me her number and I’ll do it. She needs an absolute both barrels bollocking the nasty swine.

I wouldn't bother, I have a feeling that OP has been embellishing somewhat

I had to do this for my mum. The ‘friend’ was told in no uncertain terms DM wanted nothing more to do with her and she wasn’t to contact her ever again. I also had BT block her number and go ex directory (days before mobiles). Never heard from her again. You need to strike whilst the irons hot and your DM doesn’t want to hear from her. Also make the blue badge disappear.

Honestly you’d be surprised what people are capable of. This sounds exactly like what my DM ‘friend’ was like.

Oh I don't doubt that, I was referring more to the SS thing and the kid being taken away after 1 incident. That, and the horrible comment about the suicides

How did she get custody of an unrelated child??? Especially when she's a hoarder???

How did she cause 2 people to commit suicide??

Why is your mum in any way remotely in the company at any time of this monster????

🤔

@TheCurlyKnobhead - missed that part!

I think you should listen to what your mother wants. Otherwise you are doing exactly what you accuse this woman of doing - bullying your mother.

It isn't about you and your dislike of her friend.

She sounds horrible and I think you need to stay as far away from her as possible.

Your mom has issues if she chooses to spend her time this way.

This is elderly abuse and you need to advocate for your vulnerable mum by raising your concerns with social care.
Consider contacting the GP and arranging a mental health assessment to determine how vulnerable your mum is.
This woman is just going to get more powerful until you stop her.

Yes, you need to give this woman a piece of your mind, she has no right to reprimand your mum in such a derogatory and soul destroying way.

Your mother is vulnerable, she needs people who respect her not drive her into the ground and this nasty woman is no friend.

Does your mum live near you? Does she have other friends?

Absolutely do it! Sometimes arseholes need to be told.

My dad used to have a female work colleague he was quite friendly with. She would tell him great long, repeated tales about her "awful teenage daughter" (who frankly, sounded like a very normal, slightly mouthy teen) and then gleefully tell him about all the "well-deserved" beatings she'd get off her dad (this woman's husband) for what sounded like tiny things.

I didn't meet this woman until I was in my late 20s. But one day did. She started to say something about her husband, and I erupted, and said, "Don't talk about that man to me. From everything I've heard about him, he sounds like a vile, abusive, FUCKING PIG. Big hard man likes to beat up little girls doesn't he? Arsehole."

Needless to say, it didn't go down very well. Dad was mortified until he remembered that I'm thoroughly his daughter, and we both can't STAND bullies, and will always stand up for the under-dog.

Frankly, to this day it's one of my proudest moments. I still think of that girl from time to time. I hope she got away.

But he didn't, did he?

Thanks again everyone for the feedback. Update is Mum has not spoken to her since and blanked a couple of her calls. She's giving her a wide berth and will think twice about ever letting her use the blue badge, unless it's soley for the purpose of transporting Mum to somewhere SHE chooses to go... (she now has the blue badge back).
So for now I'm leaving it. Mum is happy, and has plenty of other lovely friends. Her social life is way better than mine, lol. She does not rely on this woman for shopping etc. despite her disability.
If I see her again and she annoys me I might say something, maybe not in a very embarrassing way in front of her mates but 'take her aside' kind of thing. Hopefully Mum will stick to her guns and not see her much if at all any more. Some people are their own worst enemy!