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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For confronting my elderly Mum's toxic friend?

65 replies

BobbyBiscuits · 07/01/2024 01:36

Hi, I'm new here so soz if I do anything wrong, lol. Advice much appreciated..

My Mum has had this mate, for about 30 years. Mum is widowed and single, aged 84. Her mate is single and mid-late 70s.

Throughout their friendship, this lady has always tried to manipulate my mum, in the guise of 'helping' her. It started when they first met, she would give these awful cheesy self help books, some on the subject of "assertiveness'. Ironic really as she was always trying to push my mum into doing things and she didn't let her assert herself.

My mum always used to go along with her mate, letting her choose activities etc. The mate had a caravan and would drag my Mum there, making her sleep on the floor, while guests in their 30s were given a bed. She forced my Mum to get a Blue Badge so she could use it ( Mum doesn't have a car/ can't drive)

She once told my mum that she thought I was dying (with an unusually smug look on her face) when I was admitted to hospital with a worrying but not life threatening illness.

Her behaviour always disturbed me, but recently the mate has been helping mum with shopping as she has a car and mum isn't mobile enough to carry shopping anymore. (I always shop for her as well and we have online deliveries so she does not rely on this woman, though it's useful).

Today her mate called, saying she wanted to take her shopping. Mum was in bed, but she got up and made the effort as her mate was nearby and she did need a few bits. During the shopping trip my mums mate started berating her and shouting at her. Mum is disabled and takes longer than her mate to do stuff.

I found this out when she returned in tears. Apparently her mate snapped at her and shouted/ swore at her when she simply tried to take the trolly towards the boot of the car.

I am so angry with mum's friend for the way she treats her, and today she made her cry. I am really tempted to call this woman and explain she is toxic and it's bang out of order to do this. She has history with bullying and coercing other people and has lost quite a few friends over it before. But as my mum is nice she tries to still be her friend but the woman totally takes the mick.

Would it be reasonable to call her out, or not? Mum is at the end of her rope with her, but hasn't the balls to defend herself I don't think.

OP posts:
MariaLuna · 07/01/2024 07:40

would drag my Mum there, making her sleep on the floor

This is beyond appalling.

MereDintofPandiculation · 07/01/2024 08:10

I don't think you should confront her without your mum's permission. Firstly you are jeopardising this friendship - you may feel it would be a good thing if your mum lost this friend, but she may not. Second;y, you are infantilising your mother. If your mother has lost capacity it's one thing, but if she still has full capacity, it's not your place to rule her life for her.

AllEars112232 · 07/01/2024 08:12

My mother in law was in a situation like this. DH had a quiet word with the person.
as others have said, have a chat to your mum about this as well though. It will give her strength to know you have her back.

thinktwice36 · 07/01/2024 09:07

Do it. And get the blue badge back in your mum’s possession if she has it. Make sure she us it partybto fibancial info/passwords etc.

Catsknowbest · 07/01/2024 09:17

Do everything you can to get your Mum away from this bully. Also get the blue badge back. If this woman is using it without your Mum she's breaking the law and Mum could get it revoked too. Your Mum is vulnerable and this woman's behaviour is abuse.

Angelsrose · 07/01/2024 09:27

Absolutely confront her! You have to protect your Mum.

Floogal · 07/01/2024 09:56

Sounds like mate crime. Without scaremongering, what you've told us could be the tip of the iceberg

Original poster
BobbyBiscuits · 07/01/2024 21:08

Thanks so much to everyone for their advice and input.

I spoke to Mum today and she pretty much barred me from calling her mate. She said It's easier for her to just give her a wide berth and not see her for a while. Apparently she did stand up for herself during the 'incidient' and made her feelings of displeasure pretty clear. In that regard I guess it's respectful for me to leave it. (for now)
Next time I see her though, she will get it. And I will make sure it's in front of all her friends (they are part of a big friendship group- all the others are lovely) Karma and all that. Haha..

Much appreciated everyone's feedback though, I feel a lot better.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 07/01/2024 23:46

I spoke to Mum today and she pretty much barred me from calling her mate

Next time I see her though, she will get it. And I will make sure it's in front of all her friends

Very conflicting statements here. It sounds like it would make you feel good to confront this woman but it won’t help your mother at all.

mottytotty · 07/01/2024 23:59

Your poor mum. I would help your mum keep a wide berth from this ‘friend’.

Could you encourage your mum to have social contact with other people taking her to the odd coffee morning?

Also, I hope the Blue Badge is back with your mum?

Original poster
BobbyBiscuits · 08/01/2024 00:25

@AliceOlive I guess that was said in anger. I have called this woman out before and she acknowledges her faults. she's a hoarder, who sleeps with other people's husbands and has never had a relationship longer than 18 months. She grassed her mate to SS and then she got custody of the woman's kid. She has a son my age who's girlfriends both committed suicide. (I would not be surprised down to her, but I don't know so that's harsh I guess)
Yeah, I really want to say something but my Mum does know what she's like and isn't so vulnerable as to be actively abused my her I don't think. Thank you for your comment and engagement, it's quite hard to know what to do sometimes and this forum helps.

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 08/01/2024 00:40

I am really sorry this has happened, but I have voted YABU because I think it has to come from your mum and anything you do has to be with her agreement. Otherwise I am afraid this woman will try to alienate your mother from you which would be a really scary situation. The only other way is as a PP has said, to do a very diplomatic way, like, mum asked me to let you know it is really helpful when you xyz but we hve agreed i will be the one who does the shopping with her.

fromhellsheartistabatthee · 08/01/2024 01:08

DipsAndSplits · 07/01/2024 02:02

I would have torn her head off years ago and banned her from being anywhere near my mum, by restraining order if needs be.

It would depend on what your mum wanted wouldn't it? You can't just ban someone from having contact with another competent adult!

Ghentsummer · 08/01/2024 09:38

tara66 · 07/01/2024 06:56

Yes contact this woman asap and make a list of all the abuse she has inflicted on DM. Point out re. the Blue Badge being illegal. Remind her you could go to police.

What about the blue badge being illegal? The woman encouraged a disabled woman (the OP has made clear her mum is disabled) to apply for a blue badge. It is perfectly legal for OP's mum to do and she was obviously eligible as she was granted it.

Despite what @BobbyBiscuits thinks, a person doesn't need to drive/own a car in order to have a blue badge. It's actually a very sensible idea from the "friend" as it allows the disabled person to use blue badge spaces when out with others. Maybe the OP is annoyed she didn't think of it and continued to let her mum struggle?

There's also nothing nothing to suggest the "friend " has kept hold of the bb rather than just wanting the mum to have it so the "friend " doesnt have to watch her struggle when they go out together. I don't know why posters keep making a thing about it. I guess feeding into the drama from the OP about it.

Ghentsummer · 08/01/2024 09:47

BobbyBiscuits · 08/01/2024 00:25

@AliceOlive I guess that was said in anger. I have called this woman out before and she acknowledges her faults. she's a hoarder, who sleeps with other people's husbands and has never had a relationship longer than 18 months. She grassed her mate to SS and then she got custody of the woman's kid. She has a son my age who's girlfriends both committed suicide. (I would not be surprised down to her, but I don't know so that's harsh I guess)
Yeah, I really want to say something but my Mum does know what she's like and isn't so vulnerable as to be actively abused my her I don't think. Thank you for your comment and engagement, it's quite hard to know what to do sometimes and this forum helps.

Edited

Well now you've just made it clear your mum's friend isn't the only nasty person in this situation. Blaming her for her son's girlfriend's suicide is incredibly horrible and bloody ignorant.

Social services would also not remove a child from their mother for fun - by saying she 'grassed' sounds like she was the only person to not ignore a child's suffering. Everybody should 'grass' to SS when a child is being neglected/abused. SS would also look to place with family in the first instance.

You may have good reason to no like this woman, it sounds like she has been mean to your mum at times. but it also seems you put a lot of blame at her door for things that just arent down to her.

Pumpkinpie1 · 08/01/2024 09:52

The blue badge is actually a good idea but your mum needs to keep it not this lady.

Your mum has slipped into relying on this woman, is there a way to break this cycle.
You are not your mums keeper but could you ie have her stay with you for a few days take her on holiday where she can meet “new friends “. Take your mum to some new clubs in your area which she can get to independently so she’s making new friends.
It sounds as if your being more involved than normal might help your mum break the chains of this unhealthy dynamic.
Does your mum use a mobile phone, if so think about getting a new number ?
I think a talk with your mum is important but maybe if this is done when your mums been away from her it will be more effective.

cerisepanther73 · 08/01/2024 10:05

@BobbyBiscuits

Well done to your mum for giving her two barrels telling her straight,

I was going to say that I know your mother said she is giving her a while a wide berth for a while,
It be better if your mother could ghost permanently this unpleasant abrasive woman,
who is masquerading as her friend

but i know in a friendship group like this it's arkward and not as easy to do that,

I think 🤔 now your mother has clearly shown she is not to be messed about with,
this woman will hopefully back off from her for a while,
but this sort as i know from bitter experience are can be susprisly be more resilient and resourceful than they make themselves out to be to others,
If confronted?, they will manipulate things make out their victim narrative in the story,

Don't be susprised that this nasty so called friend will test the waters sooner or later resort to type,
to see if your mother has a weak chink in her boundaries,
to see if her gaurd is down,

the saying give them inch take an mile springs to mind..

Don't trust her ever...

cerisepanther73 · 08/01/2024 10:09

@Pumpkinpie1

I agree totally with what you've said,
Sageful advice..

Healthyhappymama · 08/01/2024 10:10

She needs to be told and tell her to keep away from your mother. I'd check and make sure she's not financially abusing her, stealing etc and check legal paperwork if any to make sure shes not after anything!!

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 08/01/2024 10:23

I would be royally pissed off if DD confronted one of my friends behind my back. However - and it's a big one - my DM did once tell me off for not saying something to someone, after she had specifically told me not to say anything! What I would do in your position is get your mum to agree to you being there at their next meeting and you both talk to this woman. Your mum will then have the chance to say how she feels and hopefully be listened to.

ThisHumanBean · 08/01/2024 10:26

It would be very unreasonable to NOT call her out. She is your Mum and she is vulnerable. Protect her from this woman.

Original poster
BobbyBiscuits · 08/01/2024 10:46

@Ghentsummer The child wasn't being neglected or abused, there was one minor incident (over discipline) which the woman chose to tell SS when she did not need to. Nobody was ignoring the kids suffering, this woman is an interfering busy body. The child was never in danger and is now back with their Mum.
The suicide thing was me being mean, but believe me I have my reasons. I was a bereaved 13 yo when she first met me and she tried to tell my Mum to put me in care! She is pure poison.

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 08/01/2024 10:54

I was a bereaved 13 yo when she first met me and she tried to tell my Mum to put me in care! She is pure poison

And yet your mother still decided to continue the friendship with this woman. Your mother has decided to tolerate this woman for a very long time, you say she knows exactly what she is like so maybe just accept this is who your mother wants in her life. Your mother could at any point over a number of years ended contact but instead didn't, maybe just respect that even if you don't like it.

Tbry24 · 08/01/2024 11:12

Firstly make sure the blue badge is in your mum’s possession that’s for her to use when people give her lifts places so she can enjoy life. Secondly encourage your mum to make new friends and not have time in her life for this toxic person.

clappity · 08/01/2024 11:20

BobbyBiscuits · 08/01/2024 10:46

@Ghentsummer The child wasn't being neglected or abused, there was one minor incident (over discipline) which the woman chose to tell SS when she did not need to. Nobody was ignoring the kids suffering, this woman is an interfering busy body. The child was never in danger and is now back with their Mum.
The suicide thing was me being mean, but believe me I have my reasons. I was a bereaved 13 yo when she first met me and she tried to tell my Mum to put me in care! She is pure poison.

Edited

The woman dies sound awful but SS don't remove children over one minor incident over discipline. It sounds like you mean the child was hit. Even the. SS wouldn't remove a child necessarily if it was minor and a one off. And they certainly don't place that child in the custody of a random person