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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really not like sleeping in the same bed as my DH?

63 replies

Astridastro · 07/01/2024 00:33

(and I’m a bit worried about it)

This is the third night I have slept downstairs on the couch, apart from it not being the best for my back I’m actually quite liking it.

Here’s why -
DH goes to bed earlier than me, he goes to bed straight away he doesn’t like to chat about the day like I do. He says good night and is asleep in a minute. I like to read on my Kindle on my phone for 20 minutes to wind down before I fall asleep. He will complain about the light from my phone.
I like to be all warm and cosy (due to health problems I feel really cold) so I have an extra single duvet on my side. He will whinge if it encroaches over to his side
He says I snore and make a strange clicky sound which means he can’t get back to sleep when he gets up for the toilet (approx 3 times in the night) he will tell me to sleep on one side, this is my sore side from sciatica.

I just feel quite uncomfortable in my own bed which should be my warm safe place. Downstairs I’ve built a little nest can have it as warm as I want and sleep how I want.

That is so sad isn’t it? I know the minute one of our DC moved out I’ll be straight into their bedrooms. ☹️

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 07/01/2024 00:35

I don’t think it’s sad, at all. You have different sleep preferences, why suffer?

PTSDBarbiegirl · 07/01/2024 00:36

It's not sad. We've had separate rooms for about 4 years, since dc moved. I'm always roasting, he's always cold, snoring etc etc. I love it!! Our relationship is better for it.

TraumatisedatChristmas1986 · 07/01/2024 00:37

Don't worry about it, it's far more important to be healthier and more able to function. As long as you and DH love and make time for each other, what does it matter?

I have similar health issues and we often sleep apart. He's lovely but I don't cope well with poor sleep.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2024 00:38

Why is it sad? Far more happy couples than you realise sleep in separate rooms. Good sleep is critical, and needing to sleep separately to achieve that is not a reflection of your relationship.

sleepysleepytired · 07/01/2024 00:38

Id love a spare room to sleep away from DH. He snores so loudly. He's pretty tolerant of me having the fan on all night though. I sometimes go downstairs and sleep on the sofa but it's not great for my neck!

Joeslaol19 · 07/01/2024 00:41

Haven’t shared my bed for about a decade. Husband and I are both ok with that. We both snore and husband gets up a few times a night to pee .

barelyfunctional · 07/01/2024 00:41

I think it’s healthy to acknowledge that you have different nighttime needs rather than sleeping in the same bed because you feel like it’s the right thing to do and both of you suffering and becoming resentful because of it

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/01/2024 00:42

i could have written this, down to the screen light and the very quiet clicky sound he says I make which annoys him more than the very very loud strangled warthog noises he makes apparently.

we’re back sleeping in the same bed due to kids home from uni till next week but I’m quite looking forward to getting in the spare room soon and getting a decent night’s sleep!

JMSA · 07/01/2024 00:43

Oh, I get it. I'm a single mum and have been sleeping on my own for, gosh, over 10 years now. Tell a lie, I sleep with my snorty Shih Tzu.
I would really struggle to share a bed with a man again.
We can maybe have sex and then they can leave Blush

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/01/2024 00:45

In fact the first time I slept on the couch, before DS went to uni, I did a little happy smile to myself as I snuggled under the duvet because it was so peaceful , and yes, it was like my own little happy nest. 😆

CherryBlossom321 · 07/01/2024 00:46

It’s sadder to keep dealing with an uncomfortable sleeping arrangement rather than figuring out a sensible, mutually beneficial arrangement.

Lizzieregina · 07/01/2024 00:47

I love having my own lovely big bed all to myself!

DH has always fallen asleep on the couch, and when we were younger, he could come to bed late, and I wouldn’t even notice, but as I aged, he’d wake me up and then I couldn’t get back to sleep. He also snores and fidgets, the fidgeting is worse than the snoring. So a long time ago, he basically moved into the spare room if he wakes up from his couch sleep and finishes the night there. We still love each other and it hasn’t harmed our relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with separate sleeping arrangements if it’s what works best for both people. Sleep deprivation is awful, as many of us know from motherhood!

Salesarefullofcutpricesprouts · 07/01/2024 00:49

I sympathise.. I sleep on a single mattress on the top landing outside our bedroom.. Combination of selfish local hobbyists and dh's snoring...

froufroulala · 07/01/2024 00:59

After years of him flailing his arms and jolting in bed we sleep separately. I would be the one snoring. We thought we would give it a try and both prefer it.

Diversion · 07/01/2024 01:00

We have seperate rooms too and I waited a very long time to get one (4 children, 3 bedrooms). He throws himself around in his sleep and grunts, I snore loudly. He falls asleep the second his head hits the pillow whereas I sleep badly. It has been an absolute game changer. He does have the king size bed though and I am stuck in a single in the box room but still happy

Fordian · 07/01/2024 01:02

Spoke to a posh client last week (I'm in health care (private😂)) and he said that the best thing he and the missus did was separate bedrooms.

I concur. DH got a chest infection and coughed for England. Luckily we had spare rooms due to kids at uni. It was great (for me, at least). He can sleep for England, so it doesn't matter where he sleeps, but the quality of my sleep was so much better.

Once DS1, now back with us, leaves, either DH or I will use his double room. DH doesn't know this yet!

FrodoBiggins · 07/01/2024 01:05

Bless you OP. Sleeping in different beds not sad at all but your issues getting comfy made me sad, a good sleep is so important. Sounds like neither of you getting the best out of it ATM.

If no spare room for ages, can you try to get a better setup for separate beds? Two singles in the room with a bit of space if possible might make you likely to disturb each other, or if you prefer it downstairs, could the sofa be replaced by a sofa bed? Loads of great ones practically being given away on Facebook etc.

I have plenty of mates who have separate beds. My partner and I have had different rooms since late twenties (now late thirties). He sleeps lightly and from 10-6 ish whereas I talk in my sleep and sleep about 2.30-9.30! You can see the problem. We share sometimes at weekends, if we have guests, or if one of us needs a cuddle but generally it works great for us and has saved a lot of morning grumpiness! Hope you work it out for you 😊

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/01/2024 01:06

My issue with this would more about the fact that you are happy in bed together and he isnt, so why are you on the sofa?

At the very least it should be 50/50 bed/sofa.

JockTamsonsBairns · 07/01/2024 01:07

DH and I have slept in separate bedrooms for the past 6 years, and it's utterly blissful. Our marriage is strong, but we're just pretty mismatched bedfellows.

DH likes to go to bed around 10pm, in total darkness - then he'll toss and turn for several hours 'trying to get to sleep.'
I'm a night owl. I like to stay up until midnight/1am, then read in bed with the lamp on for half an hour until I'm tired.

We've been together over 20 years, and we slept together in the early days - because we felt it was the "done thing", and neither of us wanted to be the one to suggest separate rooms.

Now that I've done it, I genuinely couldn't go back.

I love him dearly, but I just couldn't put up with all that pillow flipping, turning over every few minutes, and huffing and puffing about the lamp being on.

AllIsWellish · 07/01/2024 01:14

As l9ng as you are comfortable and happy on the sofa I wouldn't feel bad about it. I've been dingle for years and will never have anyone in my bed full time ever again, sod that!

blackpanth · 07/01/2024 01:20

Not sad at all x

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/01/2024 01:22

We play musical beds in our house. However, if he's disturbed by you, can't he spend half the nights on the sofa? DH snores sometimes and we both end up in a spare bed/sofa not just him.

AyeRightYeAre · 07/01/2024 01:27

We haven't slept in the same bed for at least 5 years.

Nothing sad about it. It's so much better this way. We have completely different sleeping habits.

Jom222 · 07/01/2024 01:32

I just completed fully transitioning to our extra bedroom that I used prev as my dressing room, it has a daybed and I treated myself to a quality mattress, down comforter, new pillow etc. I felt bad at first but in reality for the last several years our sleep habits have diverged, H usually goes to the sofa when I come to bed so I think we’ll both get better sleep this way. H also goes to bed very early as he gets up at 430 for work

Good sleep is so important! If your sex life is active discuss how you’ll deal with that and make sure to keep it going but as far as sleep you should do whatever allows both of you to get good sleep.

Do you think he’d be open to talking it over? It would be better than you just ghosting the marital bed

MolkosTeenageAngst · 07/01/2024 01:32

The only sad thing is that you are on the sofa and not in a a cosy bed. Why does it sound like everything revolves around his sleep and comfort? I assume it’s disturbing to have him get up three times a night but are you moaning at him for it? Why is he dictating you sleep lying on your side in a position that is uncomfortable to you? He sounds unreasonable, maybe he should be putting up with the sofa for half of the time leaving you with the bed to yourself.