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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think DH should pay more?

75 replies

HereConesTheSun · 06/01/2024 23:54

So to cut a long story short, my DH is an alcoholic with a full time job. We are technically married but he lives apart from myself and two DC. So yup a strange set up but has a lot to do with the alcoholic brain blaming those closest to them ( is me) for all the problems. Not the alcohol. I expect he also gets to drink freely which he couldn't do with me.

Anyway , finances. He makes double what I do, and 'gives' me a decent sum to cover living expenses in our household. However he still doesn't pay for a lot of things, particularly activities, food for the children..He blames me every month for not having money. He literally runs out two weeks into the month. Turn I am just left to fork out for everything. I do not give him money as he is an alcoholic and he will spend on this and a low level slots game addiction he has. He spends on this and is also always in debt with bills. He is awful with money.
I feel like he should be paying more towards his family that he does.

I am so angry this evening s I put 25 into an account for my daughter which is through his account. I said do not touch this and he scoffed. Lo and behold he used 15 to get food and when I questioned it he snapped back asking me if I want him to starve.
How can I sort this financial mess out?

OP posts:
BintuBombatu · 06/01/2024 23:57

How can I sort this financial mess out?

By divorcing him, splitting assets, separating finances, and claiming CMS.

ICouldEat · 06/01/2024 23:57

'gives' me a decent sum to cover living expenses in our household.

If he is covering living expenses, what does that include exactly and how much do you pay towards expenses?

theduchessofspork · 06/01/2024 23:59

OP pull your financial info and see a solicitor next week.

Why on earth would you stay in this ‘marriage’ ?

Ju1ieAndrews · 07/01/2024 00:01

You need to divorce him and separate yourself from him financially before he drags you down into a spiral of debt you can't get out of.

Split yourself from him legally and then apply for maintenance.

Have you done a credit report on him and yourself recently? Can you be sure he hasn't taken out any loans/credit cards etc in your name?

Addicts feed their habit by any means possible, and it sounds like he has an addiction so please protect yourself and your future.

RiaLia · 07/01/2024 00:02

Completely separate yourself financially. Get a bank account that's got fuck all to do with him (while you're preparing to leave).

SarcasmAndCoffee · 07/01/2024 00:03

Stop trusting an addict with money

Original poster
HereConesTheSun · 07/01/2024 00:08

We have completely separate finances. I do not give him money. He has no money now until the 15th but won't ask me.
I won't give him any.

I did do child maintenance but he gives me more than this.
The problem is what he does with the rest.

He has applied for a phone in my name once but I told him to csnc it. It's a blooming mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
HereConesTheSun · 07/01/2024 00:09

Sarcasm-.i can't take away his salary from him ? I'm not trusting him with my money god no.

OP posts:
Original poster
HereConesTheSun · 07/01/2024 00:10

What would I talk to a solicitor about in financial terms?

OP posts:
Original poster
HereConesTheSun · 07/01/2024 00:12

I am separate from him financially. We have no assests. Would I get more than child maintenance?

OP posts:
ConciseQueen · 07/01/2024 00:14

You need to divorce. You are being wilfully naive about your set up. It’s clear you are keeping the show on the road and doing all the work. But you do need to get your split formalised.

Quitelikeit · 07/01/2024 00:16

Impossible to answer unless you tell us how much he earns and how much he pays you?

SD1978 · 07/01/2024 00:22

If you're already receiving more than the minimum that child maintenance would give you, and are separated, I'm not sure what more you are expecting?

Original poster
HereConesTheSun · 07/01/2024 00:25

So he earns 3800 and gives me 1200 pet month. This covers a but over half the rental payment.i earn about half what he does and the children live with me. Barely stay with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
HereConesTheSun · 07/01/2024 00:26

Well I feel like as we are supposedly married then he should in theory be paying more for the children

OP posts:
Original poster
HereConesTheSun · 07/01/2024 00:28

Concise queen - what do you mean by wilfully naive?
I did mediation, we are doing counselling, I'm about to set up a financial advisor and get advice about how legally this works as he just lets me do majority of the childcare too.

OP posts:
2jacqi · 07/01/2024 00:44

HereConesTheSun · 07/01/2024 00:09

Sarcasm-.i can't take away his salary from him ? I'm not trusting him with my money god no.

@HereConesTheSun how has he got access to your childs money?? surely you just need to change the password for childs account or open another account for child?

Canonlythinkofthisone · 07/01/2024 03:30

HereConesTheSun · 07/01/2024 00:25

So he earns 3800 and gives me 1200 pet month. This covers a but over half the rental payment.i earn about half what he does and the children live with me. Barely stay with him.

But you live separately? If he earns 3800 and you earn 1900, and get an additional 1200 that means you have 3100 pm and he has 2600. And has to fund his own house (and his addictions) too?
1200 is just over HALF?! your rental payment?! On those salaries, living separately, that's insane.
1200 is far more than you would get in CM though (unless you have 4 or 5 children together).

Anahenzaris · 07/01/2024 03:44

Your husband is an alcoholic not in treatment. It does not appear he has any ability to control his addiction.

Either choose to stay, and accept that until he gets treatment this is the reality. Or leave.

I’m honestly not sure what you expect more from him financially. Are you expecting him to give you full control over his income? That doesn’t seem wise given you are separated.

steff13 · 07/01/2024 03:55

theduchessofspork · 06/01/2024 23:59

OP pull your financial info and see a solicitor next week.

Why on earth would you stay in this ‘marriage’ ?

I mean, if they got divorced couldn't he just pay the amount calculated by CMS, which she said is left then what he's paying? It seems like staying married is benefiting her more than it is him.

barkymcbark · 07/01/2024 05:46

If he's paying more than CMS and you have no assets then I'd not rock the boat.

He's giving you 32% of his take home pay which is a fair amount more than you'd get via the CMS.

Morally he 'potentially' should pay more, but legally he doesn't have to pay more than CMS.

Are you still in a relationship with him, just not living together? If no then why don't you just divorce him?

Original poster
HereConesTheSun · 07/01/2024 10:45

Yes the living separately is insane in terms of costs. Given we are supposedly married. He lived in another property a couple of years ago, then moved back into the family home, which he got us evicted from as he used money that was not for him to pay his rent over ours.
I secured another property but then at the last moment he decided not to move in. So I was then left with a home that we were supposed to divide costs in. So although the prices for the rentals are not insane for where we live , they are a lot and we can't afford to run two households.
I just get blamed for his financial mess.
It took me a while to work out how bad he was with money.

I have done an initial chat with someone to see if we can talk about finances but is it pointless? He has mental health and money issues and alcoholism and until he sorts it out its pointless.

I hate this all. It's just a mess. DH has recently got help for alcoholism but it's sporadic. He doesn't really want to stop at this moment.

I just want to be financially secure. I could not survive on my own with the costs of the house and finding anything near the price I have at the moment will be nigh impossible - ie will be more expensive.

Am I entitled to spousal support?

OP posts:
Original poster
HereConesTheSun · 07/01/2024 10:55

2jacqui- he set up a bankcard for my daughter through his account. I deposited some money direct to her the other day but he can access this. I will never do this again. It's a new cars and I knew this would happen .

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 07/01/2024 11:03

If you are paying £2500 for a rental property, maybe you could move somewhere less expensive. There are lots of nice areas that don't cost that much.

You are getting more than you would under the CMS system, meaning you have more income than he does. Legally , what he does with the rest is up to him.

Unfortunately you can't force him to parent his children.

Anjea · 07/01/2024 11:07

That's not a marriage Flowers