AIBU to think DH should pay more?

[HereConesTheSun]

So to cut a long story short, my DH is an alcoholic with a full time job. We are technically married but he lives apart from myself and two DC. So yup a strange set up but has a lot to do with the alcoholic brain blaming those closest to them ( is me) for all the problems. Not the alcohol. I expect he also gets to drink freely which he couldn't do with me.

Anyway , finances. He makes double what I do, and 'gives' me a decent sum to cover living expenses in our household. However he still doesn't pay for a lot of things, particularly activities, food for the children..He blames me every month for not having money. He literally runs out two weeks into the month. Turn I am just left to fork out for everything. I do not give him money as he is an alcoholic and he will spend on this and a low level slots game addiction he has. He spends on this and is also always in debt with bills. He is awful with money.
I feel like he should be paying more towards his family that he does.

I am so angry this evening s I put 25 into an account for my daughter which is through his account. I said do not touch this and he scoffed. Lo and behold he used 15 to get food and when I questioned it he snapped back asking me if I want him to starve.
How can I sort this financial mess out?

I think the problem with your ultimatum is for all practical purposes your marriage is over already.
Have you sought help for family of alcoholics? I think you need to accept there is nothing you can do. Any changes have to be his choice. It's very sad but it's not your fault or responsibility. However you do need to start working out how to manage in the finances you will have. Get fully informed, assume you'll get cms minimum at best from him, look into universal credit then cut your cloth. It's going to be tough but it's the only way things will change

Noodle nuts it's not true at all. I have tried to help for the past six years and continue to do so. I seek out counselling etc. I do love him. But he is so detached and taken do much from me, I need to sort the finances. That is what this post is about. Ian stuck in.thos world of hell. I can't see clearly. I would love to work it all out and I'm trying so hard but it's down to someone else.

For your and your DC sake you need to end for good.

He hasn't hit his rock bottom, he hasn't even started to address alcoholism and gambling.

He is dragging you down to sink with him.

UC - apply on line as a single parent in your home separated and planning to divorce the money he gives is child maintenance which is allowed.

The sorting of the finances is going to have to come from you though, because he is already paying over a third of his salary and there is no way you are going to be able to force him to increase this.

You are stubbornly refusing to consider moving when you are spending stupid money on rent. His contribution could end at any time and you are locked into rent higher than your own income. I personally think this is the thing that you need to address first.

Then what he has left after paying your living expenses is nothing to do with you.

Just file divorce paperwork and set him adrift.

You are basically divorced anyway.

Are you in the UK op?

Unfortunately you need to move.

Yes I'm in the UK. I would move back to my original country over moving from this area. I could look at slightly cheaper properties however the rental market is crazy in London.

There are no properties within school distance that are much less than what I'm paying. I'd literally have to move far away.
It's a nightmare.
I didn't create this mess but now I have to solve it.
I've got a chronic illness right now and am trying to find energy to do this. I'm signed off work but trying to get back asap.

DH has little self awareness of the damage he has caused and as alcoholics do, blames me for everything. I have to work on myself before he moves back. I can't survive without his help with children or financially. I'd have to move home.

Well that's what you'll have to do then, if you refuse to move anywhere cheaper.

Children move schools all the time, there's no reason why yours can't.

I'm not sure what you expect people to suggest. If you divorce him, you will end up with less money. You could end up with nothing from him if he loses his job due to drinking.

Every suggestion is met with reasons why you can't do that so I'm not quite sure what you want people to say.

You can't afford to live where you do so you need to start looking at where you are going to move to and make that happen.

He isn't going to magically give up the drink overnight to keep you in the manner you're accustomed to, so you need to plan your life without him and becimself sufficient.

Become self sufficient.

Goblina I'm in a world of pain right now emotionally and am suffering from a crippling illness which has stopped me working for now.
I guess I came on here to see if there were any other options to me financially. I'm drowning and I don't know what to do.

I only wanted to hear if I have other options and what they are. Please don't give me a tough time. I'm already in a world of pain.

My job is at stake I need to get better.

I agree that in the short term your H needs to give you more money.

But in the medium to long term you need to make plans to be self sufficient, and that might mean a major change. You can't do it overnight though.

Unfortunately OP you are living beyond your means. It would be wonderful to have the luxury to choose which area you want to live in, which school your kids go to etc but for most of us that's a pipe dream. We live where we can afford to live and cut our cloth accordingly.

You earn £1900. You receive an additional £1200 at the moment from an alcoholic with a gambling addiction who could just stop paying at any time. Your rent is somewhere in the region of £2500. This arrangement is entirely too precarious for you to stake your children's stability and lifestyle on. I'm not really sure how you're affording to feed, heat and clothe everyone with the remaining £600.

There's also the fact that you are very financially vulnerable if married to someone who is potentially racking up debts left and right to feed his addictions.

The sensible thing to do would be to divorce him, sort supervised contact with the kids (because you can't leave them with a drunk) and go through CMS for maintenance. Find out what benefits you are entitled to and work out a budget. Then you will be in a position to make decisions about where to live. But it's not going to be in a £2500 pcm London property unfortunately and the sooner you can accept that, the sooner you can sort everything out.

I came on here to see if there were any other options to me financially

Like what though? Nobody on mumsnet can magic up money from nowhere. You are getting a fair contribution from your husband already, although I think you want him to hand over his entire earnings and live of fresh air! There are only two ways you can improve your financial situation, increase your own earnings (which I presume would be difficult with your current health issues) or cut your expenses.

You need to divorce him, now. He will be ruining your credit rating. Once separated you will likely be able to claim a little UC to help, but will likely have to move somewhere further out.

They are already separated she just needs to tell him the marriage is over.

Yes, this. You really need to be separate from him financially.

This and stop giving him money for your DC into his bank account. Clearly as an addict he will spend it on himself. Open a bank account for your DC yourself if you want to save for her.

If you split up and are seperate financially, you will have your wage and you will get universal credit unless you’ve got over 14k in savings, and this will give you the LHA amount for your rent as well. You’d also get child maintenance from him. You’d be better off financially and free of this idiot. Use entitled to to get an idea of what you are eligible for

Also open your own account for your DD. HyperJar is free and easy

I think you would be better off financially if you divorced?

Can you claim housing benefits/UC if separated?

You need to be realistic, £2000 rent is ludicrous, unfortunately many ppl have had to move to save money.

If you were divorced, work out what you'd be entitled to on UC based on your income alone.

At £1200 per month, out of a £3800 take home, it's highly unlikely he'd be asked to pay more via CM. And no, spousal support is rare these days unless married to a high net worth individual so that is not a realistic alternative.

It’s sad but life as you know it is over. You cannot stay with an addict. You need to be self sufficient. You are in a precarious situation relying on your ex who can retract his (very fair) financial support at anytime.

In the nicest way, your illness is no longer his problem… as his addictions should no longer be yours.

You need to sort your own finances out, nobody earning £1.9k a month can stay in a house that costs £2k in rent.