Wwyd - 12 year old vaping/ alcohol

Blakeywakey · 2024-01-05T18:45:11+00:00

Hi all I have tonight cleared my 12.5 year olds room out and I’m in bits there are about 20-30 empty vapes, 1 can of barcardi mixer, 1 small gin bottle and 1 shot tube of vodka and mixer. I always let her have sleepovers here because she’s an only child and I think it’s safe but I just can’t believe this is going on in my house. she’s at her friends tonight iv been unwell but I’m going to tell her to come home in about an hour (when iv calmed down) and I’m thinking I need to ground her for 2 weeks wwyd ? I feel heart broken this is happening under my roof there has been a lot going on lately and I just feel like it’s falling to bits

Reallysickoftherain · 05/01/2024 18:50

What do you hope will happen if you ground her for 2 weeks? Do you think it will stop the vaping and drinking? I think it would only suspend the problem for that limited period.

It would be better to try and engage with her, and warn her of the dangers she is courting.

Do you know the parents of the girls she is having for sleepovers? You need to be sure of who she is befriending. I would certainly stop the sleepovers. She gets social interaction through school.

Original poster

Blakeywakey · 05/01/2024 18:54

I feel like I have done that though iv talked about it non stop
im not silly enough to think it will stop it but it will be a consequence and i feel worried about her being out now she was due to have a sleepover but anything could happen!

OP posts:

Wishitsnows · 05/01/2024 18:57

grounding was effective on me when I was a teenager so I would do that also. Is your dd involved in any sports? That may stop this kind of behaviour before it gets worse as her time would be filled with training

Gabiabbi · 05/01/2024 18:57

I caught mine at 13 vaping also. At first I went nuts, but then after calming down I told her I know I can't stop her, warned her of the dangers and told her I was here if she wanted to quit. For a few weeks she carried on, would openly vape round me but we'd have conversations about it here and there. She soon came and told me she wanted to quit for good and she hasn't done it since. With alcohol, I had to pick her up from a party - they'd all snuck in vodka and had over-indulged. I didnt go nuts this time, but she hasn't touched any since other than the odd fruity cider.

Don't be hard on yourself, unfortunately vaping is endemic among young ones today, and unfortunately drinking can often be part of it. Imo you're best being there for her to talk to openly - too hard on punishment and everything will be hidden from you. That's just my opinion - im no parenting guru and am often feeling my way round in the dark 😂

RatatouillePie · 05/01/2024 19:04

She has betrayed your trust so things need to change.

I'd suggest no more sleepovers for the foreseeable future, no phone (if she needs one for transport to school then get her a basic one with no internet), and no going out for at least a month.

I assume she understands about the cancer causing chemicals in vapes? I disagree with the person who suggested this is a teenage thing. I teach in a secondary school and most kids do NOT vape at all! Only a minority.

I'd also want to know where she is getting alcohol from. And where is a 12 year old getting the money from to buy Vapes?!? A vape refill is about £3 to £4 I think, so if you found 30 empties then that's around £100.

Does she have any hobbies? What clubs does she do?

Stompythedinosaur · 05/01/2024 19:15

12 seems young for that sort of thing, I'd be worried about where she is getting the capes and alcohol from. I'd definitely reign in the freedom a bit, she clearly needs closer supervision if making those choices, and try and have an honest, calm conversation about how she got there. I'd also speak to the school as I'd be worried about exploitation and it might be helpful for them to be aware.

TheFoz · 05/01/2024 19:21

I would be stopping the sleepovers for the foreseeable.

Original poster

Blakeywakey · 05/01/2024 20:21

Stompythedinosaur · 05/01/2024 19:15

12 seems young for that sort of thing, I'd be worried about where she is getting the capes and alcohol from. I'd definitely reign in the freedom a bit, she clearly needs closer supervision if making those choices, and try and have an honest, calm conversation about how she got there. I'd also speak to the school as I'd be worried about exploitation and it might be helpful for them to be aware.

Iv had a chat with her
she has a friend with a dad that has a rep. Iv been a bit silly as iv allowed her to stay here as my dd wanted to stay there and I wouldn’t allow that. This girl has got the alcohol from her dad. Iv never seen my dd drunk and I only allow her to stay round 2 other friends as a I trust their parents
she has said that she takes full responsibility but wants me to know that although she did drink some of it, she didn’t drink much. The told me the night it was and I didn’t notice anything
iv decided I’m going to be very careful about who I allow to stay.
re the vapes she says some are hers some were not, and they date back a year. She says she is being honest with me that she doesn’t want to stop as she and her friends do it. Iv told her I’m so worried about it because of her lungs and the long term affects she says she knows that but doesn’t feel it will happen to her. She told me she’s being honest with me she will stop but doesn’t think it will forever

tbh I feel more worried about the vaping than anything else. I believe her re the alcohol because when I said she could have a baileys at Xmas she was not interested at all and she has called me a few times when her friends were drinking and she wanted to get away!

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Cherrysoup · 05/01/2024 20:52

Doesn’t want to stop?! She’s 12! Pointless withdrawing money given the stories I’ve heard about kids stealing vapes from a local supermarket but I’d definitely give something a go to make her stop. Could you speak to the other parents (not ones with reps!)?

premiur · 05/01/2024 20:55

Mine wouldn't be having sleepovers again while being so bloody brazen as to say she doesn't want to stop vaping.

Original poster

Blakeywakey · 05/01/2024 21:11

She’s not being brazen I asked her to be honest with me and unfortunately that’s her truth. She’s under going assessment for adhd and sometimes will say exactly what’s on her head or what has been asked

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Original poster

Blakeywakey · 05/01/2024 21:12

Cherrysoup · 05/01/2024 20:52

Doesn’t want to stop?! She’s 12! Pointless withdrawing money given the stories I’ve heard about kids stealing vapes from a local supermarket but I’d definitely give something a go to make her stop. Could you speak to the other parents (not ones with reps!)?

Believe me I know
iv said to her I need to think what to do because vaping can be extremely dangerous I worry it will trigger an asthma attack or she will end up in hospital she just doesn’t see that side though

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premiur · 05/01/2024 21:15

Blakeywakey · 05/01/2024 21:11

She’s not being brazen I asked her to be honest with me and unfortunately that’s her truth. She’s under going assessment for adhd and sometimes will say exactly what’s on her head or what has been asked

It's very brazen to tell you parent you don't want to stop vaping when you are 12 years old. Of course it is.

That's said I obviously didn't realise she was being assessed for ADHD and that wouldn't have been my response had I known.

You have a vulnerable child

RatatouillePie · 05/01/2024 21:16

Blakeywakey · 05/01/2024 20:21

Iv had a chat with her
she has a friend with a dad that has a rep. Iv been a bit silly as iv allowed her to stay here as my dd wanted to stay there and I wouldn’t allow that. This girl has got the alcohol from her dad. Iv never seen my dd drunk and I only allow her to stay round 2 other friends as a I trust their parents
she has said that she takes full responsibility but wants me to know that although she did drink some of it, she didn’t drink much. The told me the night it was and I didn’t notice anything
iv decided I’m going to be very careful about who I allow to stay.
re the vapes she says some are hers some were not, and they date back a year. She says she is being honest with me that she doesn’t want to stop as she and her friends do it. Iv told her I’m so worried about it because of her lungs and the long term affects she says she knows that but doesn’t feel it will happen to her. She told me she’s being honest with me she will stop but doesn’t think it will forever

tbh I feel more worried about the vaping than anything else. I believe her re the alcohol because when I said she could have a baileys at Xmas she was not interested at all and she has called me a few times when her friends were drinking and she wanted to get away!

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She doesn't want to stop?!?!

It's not about what she wants. She is a CHILD and you are her parent and responsible for her safety.

You have a legal responsibility to keep her safe so if she has a friend who is supplying her with vapes and alcohol then she stops seeing this friend.

I'd go as far as threatening to move her to another school!

You need to refocus your daughters interests and find her a hobby that doesn't involve these friends. By the sounds of it she needs a more positive role model in her life. Not these friends.

Zanatdy · 05/01/2024 21:18

If you give her pocket money I’d be stopping that

StephanieSuperpowers · 05/01/2024 21:19

OP, 12 year olds don't really get to make these decisions. They are children and if she's telling you the truth, this was going on when she was 11. You've got to start supervising her properly.

FrostJack · 05/01/2024 21:27

I'm not necessarily disagreeing with any of the advice on here by PPs, but just to reassure / inform you, I was smoking and drinking at 12. I'm quite shocked that everyone on here seems so shocked. My mum didn't know but how would she have stopped me? You just buy it when you're out, if you don't have the money a friend buys it. It's not the end of the world. I was not unusual, I'd say half my class was doing the same.

I'm a lawyer now, my friends are all professionals and no we shouldn't have been doing it, but isn't that just what 'some' teenagers do? I'm not saying don't take any of the advice given, and frankly I don't know how I'd react if this was my daughter...but don't beat yourself up, she's a teenager and experimenting, while you're doing the best you can with the information you have x

premiur · 05/01/2024 21:30

FrostJack · 05/01/2024 21:27

I'm not necessarily disagreeing with any of the advice on here by PPs, but just to reassure / inform you, I was smoking and drinking at 12. I'm quite shocked that everyone on here seems so shocked. My mum didn't know but how would she have stopped me? You just buy it when you're out, if you don't have the money a friend buys it. It's not the end of the world. I was not unusual, I'd say half my class was doing the same.

I'm a lawyer now, my friends are all professionals and no we shouldn't have been doing it, but isn't that just what 'some' teenagers do? I'm not saying don't take any of the advice given, and frankly I don't know how I'd react if this was my daughter...but don't beat yourself up, she's a teenager and experimenting, while you're doing the best you can with the information you have x

She isn't a teenager though?

This 'they are teens it's normal' is the kind of comments expected when 15/16 year olds are vaping and drinking. Not 12 year olds.

Original poster

Blakeywakey · 05/01/2024 21:31

Zanatdy · 05/01/2024 21:18

If you give her pocket money I’d be stopping that

She never has money that’s not on a bank card , she says she’s been given them or sometimes has found money round the house

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GooseClues · 05/01/2024 21:33

Blakeywakey · 05/01/2024 21:31

She never has money that’s not on a bank card , she says she’s been given them or sometimes has found money round the house

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So… stealing from you?

BodyKeepingScore · 05/01/2024 21:34

@Blakeywakey "she's found money around the house" - so on top of the vaping and drinking she's been stealing money from the house?

StephanieSuperpowers · 05/01/2024 21:34

So who is giving them to her? Who is selling to a 12 year old? You can do a lot here - inform other parents, complain to shops, make sure the school knows.

Original poster

Blakeywakey · 05/01/2024 21:34

FrostJack · 05/01/2024 21:27

I'm not necessarily disagreeing with any of the advice on here by PPs, but just to reassure / inform you, I was smoking and drinking at 12. I'm quite shocked that everyone on here seems so shocked. My mum didn't know but how would she have stopped me? You just buy it when you're out, if you don't have the money a friend buys it. It's not the end of the world. I was not unusual, I'd say half my class was doing the same.

I'm a lawyer now, my friends are all professionals and no we shouldn't have been doing it, but isn't that just what 'some' teenagers do? I'm not saying don't take any of the advice given, and frankly I don't know how I'd react if this was my daughter...but don't beat yourself up, she's a teenager and experimenting, while you're doing the best you can with the information you have x

I just thought this was more a problem to expect at 14/15 not now.

for those saying I’m not supervising properly she really isn’t allowed out unless it’s a set thing/activity. As I said most of the times her friends are here, I do regular check ins they sit down a lot and engage in activities with us. She is far from unsupervised

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Original poster

Blakeywakey · 05/01/2024 21:36

StephanieSuperpowers · 05/01/2024 21:19

OP, 12 year olds don't really get to make these decisions. They are children and if she's telling you the truth, this was going on when she was 11. You've got to start supervising her properly.

I’m not allowing her to make this decision?
iv put in consequences
I’m thinking how to go about addressing this in the future as a pp rightly pointed out the grounding will stop it temporarily I need a long term solution particularly her giving her true thoughts on things

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OliveToboogie · 05/01/2024 21:37

My partner was in catastrophic fire last year 60%level 4 burns. In Burns unit for 6 months. To cut long story short several patients with burns are because their vapes exploded in their room or pockets. Be aware they are very dangerous.