Wwyd - 12 year old vaping/ alcohol

[Blakeywakey]

Hi all

I have tonight cleared my 12.5 year olds room out and I’m in bits there are about 20-30 empty vapes, 1 can of barcardi mixer, 1 small gin bottle and 1 shot tube of vodka and mixer.
I always let her have sleepovers here because she’s an only child and I think it’s safe but I just can’t believe this is going on in my house.

she’s at her friends tonight iv been unwell but I’m going to tell her to come home in about an hour (when iv calmed down) and I’m thinking I need to ground her for 2 weeks
wwyd ? I feel heart broken this is happening under my roof there has been a lot going on lately and I just feel like it’s falling to bits

You need to do more than ground her for 2 weeks. You need to adjust her general level of supervision. She can’t be trusted with the level of freedom she was previously given. It’s not particularly a punishment, it’s a parental misjudgment and recalibration.

I believe her re the alcohol because when I said she could have a baileys at Xmas she was not interested at all

Stop offering her alcohol for a start. She is 12!

If it’s a thing she does with her friends, she doesn’t see her friends, no sleepovers, meet ups anything. She gets no money. She stays at home. No phone, WiFi etc - she can read a book and remember she is a child and you are the adult. Deal with this now or it will be worse later.

I’ve got a 12 yo as well as an older child. In your situation I would:
get to the bottom of who is supplying her with these and when they are using them.
I would stop contact with that person coming to my house and her going there.
I would stop any hanging around so straight to and from school for the foreseeable.
I would make sure her mentor is aware of what’s been going on at school so they can make sure that they are monitoring her behaviour at school.
I would try and make sure her referral for adhd referral is quick and would pay privately if I could. Impulse control can be poor and she could get her self into risky situations in the coming year.
I would suspend access to her card/ or be looking through statement at all transactions to ensure I know where money is going.
I would tell her that you have a responsibility as her mum to keep her safe. If she wants to carry on at 12 vaping she wouldn’t be safe so this isn’t acceptable. You need to protect her from harm by any means possible and thats whT you intend to do.

I would be coming down on her like a tonne of bricks. Remove absolutely everything in her possession besides the very basics. No makeup, no toys, no decorations. Dumb phone only. Internet access only in the living to call grandma/do homework . Cook only the blandest, most tasteless meals for her.
If madam thinks she’s old enough to decide to vape and drink she’s old enough to provide for herself.

She’s called you when her friends are drinking? So a 12 year old has been with friends who are drinking alcohol? On more than one occasion? No way would my 12 year old be mixing with these kids (my 2 are 13 and 11). You say it as though it’s normal.
12 is so young!

She is really vulnerable. Could be hanging round with other vulnerable children too. Find out where the vapes are from. Work with the school to protect her and others. Keep repeating the mantra of parents role to keep child safe, etc.

How the heck would you buy alcohol at that age,everywhere requires ID now. DS 13 couldn't buy a computer game he wanted without me as it was a 12 plus. I'm going to have to get him his own ID.

OP she's 12 and as someone who works with teenagers this is not that normal at 12. Yes 15/16, but 12 is young, you need to get on top of this now. Don't allow her access to money at all and stop her socialising with friends that she's doing this with. I assume you have informed their parents to?

You could also talk to school, they will often then run assemblies/PHSE lessons on alcohol and smoking/vaping.

You mentioned asthma, I assume she has asthma. You need to have a frank discussion about her taking responsibility for her own health and how as an asthma suffer she is more at risk of issues associated with this behaviour.

You could also talk to school, they will often then run assemblies/PHSE lessons on alcohol and smoking/vaping.

Which goes in one ear and out the other.

https://belfastmedia.com/12-year-old-from-north-belfast-was-in-coma-from-vaping
Show her that.

Can they just explode or the rechargeable ones!? I will 100% be googling and sharing this

I was drinking and smoking at 12. and being sexually abused. Tread carefully. It could be more than just vaping and drinking. Hopefully not

Great advice thank you.
I actually think this will work better than grounding as it’s a lifestyle adjustment given what iv just found out. I 100% won’t be having that girl here and she knows that

You can’t hear my tone? So not sure how you can say that

Grounding her may lead to her running away.

This is very difficult as she's only 12 and is incredibly vulnerable because she thinks she is capable of adult behaviour and vapes and alcohol whilst are wrong, there is the very real concern that sexual activity and drugs will be her next step.

If she's not getting money from you, I'd be more worried about something nefarious going on, especially with her saying she won't give up. Access to alcohol, vapes, food, new clothes etc are easy buy-ins for the friendzone stage when dealers are recruiting young people in county lines. It might be just be a young person hanging out with the wrong crowd, but I would have her under lock and key for the time being and I wouldn't even be trusting the parents of the two kids she is having sleepovers with.

.....oops .posted in the wrong place!

Sorry, it was just the way it was mentioned casually down the thread, rather than as part of the op - it didn’t come across that you saw it as part of the problem. I didn’t mean to criticize though. I really do feel for you tackling this. There’s lots of good advice on this thread and I really hope it helps - good luck.

It wasn’t at the fire front of my mind when I posted it , I doubt anyone can think of everything relevant in one go
it wasn’t mentioned casually at all I revered along the way an incident where she called me saying someone had snuck alcohol to her friends after school! Highly unexpected

At 12 if my kid was vaping and telling me they weren't going to stop then for the foreseeable they wouldn't be going anywhere with out me except school. Can't be trusted to be safe, can't be trusted to go out alone. Natural consequence.

I would think differently if she was older and would focus far more on harm reduction

But at 12 she's a child and this is dangerous and so if I can't trust her to be unsupervised she would not he out without me supervising.

Why are you offering your 12 year old Bailey's?!

Some vapes are from a year ago, so when she was 11..
I can totally understand why the vapes are so appealing with the fancy colors and fancy smells and it's all a fashion thing. Iv never been interested in smoking but I can see why kids would be tempted to vape, seems less harmless and it's more appealing. Grounding won't do anything if it's not a new thing, show her the risks involved with vaping

Sorry but at 12 she wouldn't be seeing the mates again, school would be getting informed and I would be working with them to try and get her off the vapes. She's a child. Telling you she knows and excepts the risks and wants to carry on because her mates do it isn't good enough.

school would be getting informed and I would be working with them to try and get her off the vapes.

What do you think the school can do that her mother can't? Do schools have time to get children off vapes?

Her social life would be over right now and I’m very lenient but I see day to day some of the damage vaping is starting to do to young people and it’s going to be scary. It took years for the real effects of smoking to come to light and vaping will be worse imo.