Wwyd - 12 year old vaping/ alcohol

[Blakeywakey]

Hi all

I have tonight cleared my 12.5 year olds room out and I’m in bits there are about 20-30 empty vapes, 1 can of barcardi mixer, 1 small gin bottle and 1 shot tube of vodka and mixer.
I always let her have sleepovers here because she’s an only child and I think it’s safe but I just can’t believe this is going on in my house.

she’s at her friends tonight iv been unwell but I’m going to tell her to come home in about an hour (when iv calmed down) and I’m thinking I need to ground her for 2 weeks
wwyd ? I feel heart broken this is happening under my roof there has been a lot going on lately and I just feel like it’s falling to bits

Who is supplying an 11/12 year old girl with Bacardi / vapes / etc ?? Has she mentioned any ‘boyfriends’ etc? As that’s where I’d be focussing right now. I’d be checking all her devices for signs she’s being groomed, grounding her, focussing on lots of 1:1 conversations, and not offering her any more Baileys.

Her body is so very young to be poisoning with vapes and alcohol.

As others have said, ADHD favours short term impulsivity over longer term sensibility. I would absolutely change her lifestyle to reflect that she isn't planning on voluntarily stopping vaping. No card access, packed lunch or prepaid school dinners, no money for snacks, no popping to the shops to buy sweets, no leeway just straight to school and back, straight to hobby clubs and back.

www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-12715223/amp/How-kids-age-TEN-hospitalised-vaping.html

She's 12!

She wouldn't be going anywhere without adult supervision a few years yet. Her phone would be going for about six months too.

And yes, I have bought up a teenager.

I have a 12 year old dd, she is still a child who still slightly believes Santa is real! None of her friends are smoking or drinking. I would be very worried if I was you. This is not normal 12 year old behaviour. I have an older child too and there is no way he would have done this either.
If I was you I would ground dd, stop the sleepovers, reduce access to cash and take her bank card away. I would also speak to the school and be making sure that she moved form and moved her away from these other girls. If that didn’t work I would be looking at changing schools.
This is so worrying op and you really need to find out more.

@Blakeywakey , you have an early bloomer. I would tread a bit carefully… she appears to be opening up to you which is great! Seriously… this is something to work with.

You can’t exactly put the genie back in the bottle though. So I would be careful with your approach. If you have some absolutes… then by all means communicate them. But you’re not going to be able stop everything.

For example… grades and ‘finding money’ those are your absolutes that there is no negotiation on… grades are maintained to X level and no ‘finding money’.

Maybe it’s the vaping (but seriously really think this one through- even at 12 there are much worse things she could be into)… Any evidence of vaping and life changes drastically for the worse…

Drinking…

Maybe it is a certain friend that you won’t facilitate her meeting up with…

Be realistic though… clearly she’s been doing this stuff under your nose for awhile. She’s comfortable talking to you… pick the battles and give her the tools she’ll need to walk this path.

My Dd is 12. Her school would want to know and would absolutely be working with me. Since when did it become acceptable for kids to smoke and school to turn a blind eye?

"She says she is being honest with me that she doesn’t want to stop as she and her friends do it."

Sorry, what?!

"I believe her re the alcohol because when I said she could have a baileys at Xmas she was not interested at all"

You what?

"she has called me a few times when her friends were drinking and she wanted to get away!"

What the actual fuck? You didn't keep her away after the first time?

She's 12!

I have 14/15 year olds and would consider myself very relaxed but there is no way I would be offering them a drink at Xmas never mind at 12 years of age.

You're basically telling her it's ok to drink at that age. She's still a child.

I get it, it's hard at this age. I've caught mine vaping a few times. I just tried talking to them about the consequences of it and I know I can't stop them as they will do it if they choose as I can't watch them 24/7. But I think offering a 12 year old an alcoholic drink is insane..

The other issue is the stealing from you. How is she going to pay you back?

Sorry that you are in this situation. Have you removed her from the situation including considering alternative schools? Don't let her out at night? Remove and hide access to money?

Wow so much judgement here I didn’t offer her a whole glass of baileys, offered her as in said she could have a sip or a try of my baileys hot chocolate as she was curious what it tasted like at Xmas. In the end she said she didn’t want to.

I actually can’t be bothered to explain the 2 incidents I’m sure you’ll rip that apart too in fact im
mot sure why I even helped for advice and support because it’s quite clear mumsnet is just here to judge and take things completely out of context to the next level
for information dd is NOT allowed out at night and does have her phone checked and I have log ins

I am not oblivious to what teens get up to, I pushed the boundaries myself when I was younger and was drinking and smoking and in bars at 15 but 12? Seems way too young for all this. I have a dd the exact same age, year 8 and will be 13 next month. She has asthma and autism and isn’t interested in vaping or drinking but she said around a third of her year at school are vaping which is about 70 children in year 8 alone.
I smoke. It is a horrible addiction and I wish I could turn the clock back and not be a smoker but I think if vapes had been around when I was a teen I would’ve loved them. Am just being honest here.

grounding her won’t solve much when they’re vaping at school/on the way to and from school etc but I would minimise any opportunities she has to buy vapes. They’re a bit more expensive than £3/4 more like £5/6 so unlikely her friends will be able
to pay for them. Keep the dialogue open. She’s being honest with you which is a good way to be and hopefully this continues as she navigates her teen years. It’s ok for people to say that she’s a child etc and she doesn’t get a say but the reality is quite different.
I always think to myself that I have been my dc’s ages too and i know I was headstrong, probably easily led and keen to impress others. Those things still feature in many teens today. All you can do is educate her on the dangers and hope she sees sense.

I think a few do this at 12 now. Unfortunately.
Mine didn't vape then. But did try it I think. I think she might vape now at 16. A bit. I hate it all. It's not your supervision. They get them at school.
In parks. It's impossible to stop.

Your 8 year old was vaping and drinking alcohol?

Given them? By whom?

At the moment your daughter is at VERY high risk of being groomed, especially if she likely has ADHD which often brings with it impulsivity etc... She is exactly the sort of person that will be targeted by drug gangs wanting youngsters to do their dirty work in exchange for vapes, trainers etc...

(I teach in a secondary school and this is exactly the sort of thing we look out for).

You need to book an immediate appointment with the school to discuss this, and take some quite drastic measures to get your daughter on a better path. Having chats isn't working as she quite clearly isn't mature enough to have the comprehension about the dangers of her situation.

She needs to have nothing to do with whoever gave her the vapes and alcohol. No meeting up, no sleepovers etc...

Morning, I've just come across this post as I seem to be in a similar situation minus the vapes.
I can't actually believe the judgement from the majority of people on here. This should b a safe place with good advice, but this poor Mum has been slaughtered while obviously looking for support.

There are loads of 12 year old drinking so kind of becoming the norm, and yes, it's horrific and scares the hell out of me.... but people support without judgement. Life is hard enough as a Mum!!

Loads of kids do this at this age.
They do get over the drinking. Unfortunately a lot carry on vaping. If you brought up your child not to vape chances are she won't join in.
No judgement at all. It's a phase. They move on.
Next thing is boyfriends and sex. Drink and vapea first. Then boyfriends. But not doing any of that means staying at home without many friends and that's not easy either. So try not to worry.
Tell her to be sensible.

She is talking to you, that's the important thing to focus on.

12 is young to be vaping and drinking, but it happens. Especially with ADHD in the mix.
Try and speed up the ADHD process, notify them what you have found and that you are worried she is trying to self medicate. (I know you haven't said that, and she possibly isn't, but it's something to consider amongst everything else and may move her up the waiting list).