if you have ever been bullied or have to be around person who stresses you like a bully

[stabilzing]

have you got any advice about how to cope?

I am in a situation that I cannot get out of short term at least for a few months minimum where I have to have daily contact and dealings with someone who gives me the same feeling you get when you have been bullied.

Its a woman for context but I feel like I am walking on eggshells around her because Im scared of her, shes very critical of me, shes very direct offensively so, and I feel very stressed around her. I have a sort of sick feeling in my stomach all the time.

Other than minimising contact which is very very difficult to do as I have to deal with her, has anyone got any advice?

I'd be grateful for any thoughts. Please dont start suggesting that I get out of the circumstances that means I am in this situation because I know that already and I cant right now. believe me if it were an option I would.

Does anything help? breathing exercises? medication? alcohol?slightly joking but slightly not

is this a colleague?

or in your home environment?

Give it straight back! If she's rude, be equally rude to her. I was bullied at school and in one job. The job, I told her regional manager that she was awful, unwelcoming and it was the worse place I'd ever worked, raised a grievance then walked out. Apparently she got a written warning and was somewhat better to the other staff afterwards.

School was worse, my dad eventually got hold of my bully on the way home, told him if he touched me again he would kill him and anyone who tried to stop him. That finally put an end to the years long bullying problem. Word quickly got around that my dad was 'mental ' and would hurt anyone who so much as looked at me funny.

Both had one thing in common, they stopped when it became clear that their behaviour would not be tolerated. I suggest you stop short of threatening to kill her but make it clear that you will not take it.

Do nothing unless asked politely, pull her up on every rude comment and if it is a work situation, record every single transgression with times and dates.

Give it straight back! If she's rude, be equally rude to he

@Balloonhearts I wish I could but I can't. when i say i cant I mean i physically am too scared too to that. i don't have the confidence to face her down. its weird because in life generally im not underconfident or overshy but there is somehting about this that scares me shitless.

is this a colleague?

or in your home environment?

its not exactly either. its not work but its closer to a home environment.

and actually the problem now isnt so much the rudeness its the history of it that makes me scared. i suppose its how bullying works is that you metaphorically punch someone enough, then you dont need to punch them any more because your work is done and they are shit scared.

I totally get this…

For this period of time you have to find strategies to not let what she says penetrate your hypothetical shield of protection.

Keep reminding yourself that this person may have power over whatever the professional or other practical situation is but she has zero power over your emotions.

@Bex5490 thank you for understanding. that's exactly what I need strategies.
what strategies though? I think i need a superpower.

It's so miserable feeling like this. it's like a constant hum of stress and fear throughout my body all day, all night.

It's hard if we don't know what the relationship is, but I would avoid contact even if it is a family member. It sounds like a horrible situation. You also need to ask why they are treating you like this, probably because they can so if you can work your way up to push back even if it is small things at first that would be a good thing and will also build up your confidence. Can you give any examples of what they say or do? Then maybe think of some generic responses.

@stabilzing this is so difficult, sorry you are going through it. First just want to say this sort of thing would get most people down and it’s good you are trying to think of strategies : self preservation is the name of the game. Here are a few things to try.

• befriend someone you know they respect or who has some authority over them. This can make people better behaved even if you’re just on friendly terms with them because it will likely make them a bit more respectful and maybe it will make them worry you’ll share something about their bad behaviour
• Be a bit hot and cold with them, not in an obvious way, just subtle. Pretend not to hear them if they say something occasionally, talk over them “accidentally”.
• dont react emotionally to them
• when they are rude leave their company asap, not in a protest sort of way just take a call or get up for some tea
• pretend you think they are joking when they are rude and “joke back”

This person will never think well of you. Abandon all hope that they ever will.

In practical terms, avoid them. That’s the only way I got out of mine. But looking back, I think I always hoped they’d like me, or at least come to think me a worthy enemy. And that gave the chink to let them in.

Mirroring I find works. Match them exactly in tone and stance. Often makes a rude person suddenly nicer.

Difficult to offer advice without knowing context

In the past, I've tried to ignore this behaviour, but when I eventually stood up for myself, I wished I had done so earlier

so i presume this is in home environment rather than work?

Advice clearly depends on the where

Sounds ludicrously woo, but some visualisations might help.

1. Create yourself an energy shield: https://www.findyourgoodspace.com/blog/how-to-create-personal-energy-shield-for-protection

2. Grounding visualisations - draw strength and power from the ground, feel the earth supporting you - the Warrior pose especially, perhaps?

"Named after a valiant warrior from Hindu mythology, this asana invites you to tap into your inner strength, courage, and determination to overcome any challenges that life throws your way. Standing tall and grounded, with one foot forward and the other back, this pose requires balance, strength, and stability. As you breathe deeply and hold the pose, imagine yourself as a warrior, ready to face any obstacle that comes your way. Allow yourself to feel the power of the earth beneath you, giving you the strength to stand firm and unshakable.

As you settle into Warrior I, let the energy of the earth element infuse every fiber of your being. Picture yourself as a warrior, ready to face any obstacles with confidence and grace. Take a deep breath, feeling your chest expand and your heart opening up to new possibilities. With each breath, allow any fears or doubts to melt away, replaced by a sense of empowerment and clarity of mind."

https://www.yogabasics.com/connect/yoga-blog/grounding-yoga-poses/

@stabilzing do you have anyone close that can support you with this? A partner, friend or family member? It can help to talk things through with someone else close to the situation and get their perspective on it and support you. It doesn't sound as if you are going to get along with this person but they might be able to mediate or help you.

Grey rock till you feel numb. Do not react at all. It may take some practice till you can do it naturally but become so unphased that you're almost just a physical body with no emotion. Keep your tone neutral, don't rise to comments or remarks. If you'll have to be in their presence then the best thing to do is to mentally disengage.

I don't have any suggestions. Mine was by my New Manager a few months ago. I reported it and was dismissed by HR. But I would still recommend you reported it.

Don't be rude, snap back or do anything they can accuse you of.
They will run with it and be the " victim"

Ask every time what they mean?
It is very hard for them to repeat if they have been rude.
What's happening here is they get an ego boost/ buzz every time they are nasty to you .
Imagine they have a gaping hole inside them, a painful gaping hole.
They fill it by being shitty to you and seeing a reaction.
Stop any sort of emotional reaction by asking a question.
Stops you being their supply

I’m imagining a boss/ manager…

Well whoever she is, I would try and take all emotional tone out of any conversation.

For example, if she criticises you give her back a really professional/ polite but non emotional sounding response.

I used to listen to positive affirmations before meeting a person in my life who was like this and replayed them in my head when interacting with them.

You also, while figuring out coping strategies, MUST be planning and end to this situation. You might manage for a few months but this can’t be indefinite.

Sending strength and love x

This.

I was bullied at work for 3 years by my manager. Funnily enough, when people stood up to her and had a go back, she backed right off and bent over backwards for them. I think she saw me as as easy target because I didn't stand up for myself.

Since I started standing up for myself, I see less of that behaviour from people in general.

I know doing that is easier said than done though. I agree try and grey rock. It also helps if you can leave it mentally at the door when you leave seeing her and have a focus/ hobby elsewhere to take your mind off her.

I've been bullied at work twice as an adult. The first time it nearly broke me. Eventually another department head reported it and all hell broke loose. They were severely disciplined and eventually fired. Apparently it wasn't the first time they had done this. My happiness was them being fired and then a few years down the line being a very senior boss to the other one involved. The second time she was my boss and I left to retire very early. That also made me happy to know she was still working. All I can say is bullies nearly always act out of jealousy. You obviously make them feel inferior in some way. Hold that thought close to you. That you are absolutely better than them and karma will always catch up. Sending you a hug. And if I could a lovely, chilled glass of whatever you fancy.

Its a cliché but the only way to beat bullies is to stand up to them.

This. The things with bullies is when you call them out, it stumps them because it's not the reaction they expected. I had an issue on Xmas with a cousin who bullies our whole family, she's been like this since we were kids and it's still happening even though we are adults. She basically accused me of something (quite trivial) and I put it back on her and suddenly she was speechless and backed down, I quickly walked away before she could say anything. She soon went home in a huff. Asking questions can be a good one, what do you think should happen about that etc

@stabilzing

I think 🤔 when you come across this female Arsehole who bully's you,

remind yourself your just as equal as her ,

She is no better higher up than you are in any way at all,
despite the delusional idea way that usaul bully's like her think like,

She came into the world the same way as all of us and will exit the same way as rest of us,
from cradle to grave

i am going to give you the same kind of advice as i would give my son in a situation such as this,

Sorry for the rather crude terminology expression i am going to use, hope it doesn't cause any offence

is this, 🤔 that bully of yours , she does same thing as everyone else does
for example she goes to the toilet, breaks wind farts , sneezes ect,

I am trying to make that bully seem less threatening to you,
once you realise that she is no different to you in that regards,
the difference is that you are better person cause you don't mistreat people like she does,
i am saying this to you, for you to stop ✋️ and think why in your mind are you consciously or unconsciously thinking that you are inferior to her,

You are definitely not,

I have experienced bullying myself several times in my life,
so i do know what it's like ect...

I am sorry you are going through this and I hope you are OK.
Things I did to help during workplace bullying

1. Wrote everything down and dated the instances. In the end, I didn't submit this record as I needed a good reference, but logging it was helpful once I got home/in the car b4 I got home so I wasn't mulling it over all night and so I knew that I wasn't making it all up.
2. I repeated mantras in my head during the day, sometimes in the toilet whilst taking deep breaths too. Mine were "they go low, WE go high" from michelle Obama, as in "I will not crumple to your level, I will stay a kind and respectful person in the face of your shittiness and that is my biggest fuck you", I used to repeatedly that in my head and smile at her as she shouted at me and just say "ok" and walk away.

Another mantra was singing all Katy Perry songs in my head.

1. In my head, I had a mental list and every time she did something awful in terms of her job, I would add it to my list and think "when I leave here I will NEVER do that, I will be 10x the ...(job) you are one day". This helped as it felt like I was using her negativity in a positive way, like, oh THANKYOU for reminding me not to do that in future when I am in x leadership position.

1. Home wise, I made sure I ate healthily, I took up circuit training and running to pound out my aggression and stress safely. Quite often I would cry half way round my run, then feel loads better.

1. Sleep wise, I lost a lot of sleep through stress. What I found helped was having a book next to my bed, jotting stuff down so it was out of my head. If I was in bed more than an hour not sleeping and thinking of work I'd get up, make peppermint tea and watch a series kn telly, then go to bed again but with a jumper on so I'd fall asleep quicker and every time my brain began to think of work/dread morning wake up I'd picture putting that thought in a drawer and opening a drawer with the TV episode I'd just watched. I'd think through the episode in minute detail.