if you have ever been bullied or have to be around person who stresses you like a bully

[stabilzing]

have you got any advice about how to cope?

I am in a situation that I cannot get out of short term at least for a few months minimum where I have to have daily contact and dealings with someone who gives me the same feeling you get when you have been bullied.

Its a woman for context but I feel like I am walking on eggshells around her because Im scared of her, shes very critical of me, shes very direct offensively so, and I feel very stressed around her. I have a sort of sick feeling in my stomach all the time.

Other than minimising contact which is very very difficult to do as I have to deal with her, has anyone got any advice?

I'd be grateful for any thoughts. Please dont start suggesting that I get out of the circumstances that means I am in this situation because I know that already and I cant right now. believe me if it were an option I would.

Does anything help? breathing exercises? medication? alcohol?slightly joking but slightly not

Oh god I had two bosses like this, end strategy was to leave as did pretty much everyone after me.

I’m sorry this is happening to you and that you can’t get out of the situation for now. It’s a little bit hard without more context, but I understand why you might not want to share that.

I think it’s going to depend what’s going to work for you, one thing I’ve tried, is pretending inside to be somebody else that I know that wouldn’t be phased by this. So act like that person would, it will sort of take you out of the situation to start with, and then perhaps will become more second nature as you go along. The good thing was somebody like this though is that they’re so awful that you don’t have to care what they think of you. So you can respond in anyway you want to because really, their responses are irrelevant to you.

@ReadtheReviews

Mirroring I find works. Match them exactly in tone and stance. Often makes a rude person suddenly nicer.

Oh that sound simple and like something I could manage. thanks

to everyone saying the way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them and I know this and in past have done.
in this situation i really cant because Im so stressed and broken by it. I cant really explain to you all how it is. It's probably like saying to someone with extreme arachnophobia the first step is to hold a photograph of a spider - where someone with extreme phobia would be like yes i understand that but i literally just can't do it because i dont have the strength, the fear is too great. sorry if im not explaining it well.

theres no one around who can mediate or get involved its just me and her .

@decobwebbing the visualising energy shields does sound woo but tbh Ill try anything so thanks for that.

like i said the problem really isn't her bullying me any more, its HOW I feel about it inside.

Im too broken to say anything or raise anything about anything because of her past behaviour so I get walked all over and taken advantage of and walk round all the time feeling a bit stressed, feeling a little bit sick and like I'm full of tension.

perhaps is just extreme anxiety brought on by it all.

Or, alternatively, imagine us all standing behind you whenever you have to interact with them. And then you can come back and report to us about the most awful thing they did, and we can all laugh at that person for you and marvel at their awfulness. They can become an object of all of our mirth. And pity.

Ultimately, I didn't have the strength to take my bully down as I was in a much junior position to her and my career would have been over.
So longer term I got my shit together, relocated and got a new job, and in the meantime made sure I did my job as well as I could so she couldn't sabotage my reference.
Revenge is a life lived well, and I am proud I got out and am a better job now and on my terms.

Make an exit plan if you can, then focus on that to get you through the shittyness now e.g. whilst the person upsets you, visualise when u will b in a year and how much happier u will b. Knowing your current situation is not permanent is empowering.

I do understand what you mean by the reaction of yours being part of the problem, regardless of their behaviour too. It’s like a piece of code runs in your mind so quickly when you’re with them that you can’t really stop to address it. But if you choose some of the strategies here that work for you, eventually you’ll be able to bypass that even if you have to fake it to begin with.

oh some more good ideas cross posted with thank you for supporting me

@wafflingworrier eat heathily, exercise and sleep journaling sounds good too.
@MediumWell yes pretending to be someone else. and the idea of everyone standing behind me is very lovely.

Hug.
I hope you are OK.
Things WILL get better.
My experience nearly broke me too, I am so sorry that I didn't clarify that in my messages.
Your brain is going into fight or flight mode due to extreme stress/anxiety, so it makes sense that you find it so hard when you are in the presence of her. Deep breaths will help a lot xxx
Please picture us all with you cheering you on.

Also please please remember there is nothing "wrong" with you, this is not your fault. A bully will make you question yourself and blame yourself but it's not you, it's THEM.

Bullying makes you feel bad about yourself as it is easy to see ourselves through the bully's eyes - they devalue us and our lives and we initially lose faith in ourselves and see our lives as something less because they do - but if you can consciously shift ypur mind to how you see yourself when you feel happy and confident, be clear about your positive qualities, who you are, what you value, what you like about yourself, it will help. There is never an excuse for bullying, so if this is what she is doing, it is fundamentally her problem, not yours.

Imagining a wall between you and them can help like a sort of imaginary "speak to the hand" like others have said is really good, but I'd stay polite and courteous with them on the outside and not play mind games or anything.

Keeping a running commentary inside your head can help - however immature it feels - like, "you are rude, you are rude, you are rude" or "I am lovely I don't deserve this I am lovely I don't deserve this I am lovely I don't deserve this".

Expect the worst, so that you are mentally prepared but at the same time keep in mind things which you are happy about, about yourself and about life in generally, the things which make you feel warm and full of love inside.

It depends a lot on who it is though - I am assuming that you are not physically afraid? V different advice would apply if you were in physical danger vs no physical danger.

Trust your intuition, if you feel afraid around them assume there is a reason for it.

This is a really good video aimed at high school kids, but bits will be of general application to adults and might be uplifting

I endured this at work for years.

Every time I thought it had eased or he’d been spoken to, it escalated. I too couldn’t escape it for many reasons and I’ll not lie, it has affected me far more than my time in the forces. His ever increasingly awful false allegations almost did for me. I used to pray to not wake up. No matter how bad things got, I’d never felt like that when overseas. Never.

A rescue dog and the walking that involved saved my sanity. (Until the bully got his golden handshake anyway and life improved). I’ve accepted the fact that my career prospects are ruined and I don’t trust management or many colleagues who saw what was happening and did nothing. I’ve managed my expectations better.

I appreciate that not everyone has access to, or can have a dog or pet, but I would not have managed without her. Even if you can walk somewhere beautiful or calm and take time there to appreciate that not everything is awful. Again, I was lucky in that I could get to the countryside within minutes.

I’m really so very sorry that you have this in your life. I’m a black hearted auld sow but I wouldn’t wish the pain of it on anyone. I don’t even wish my bully ill. I don’t wish him joy either mind….

And sleep. I’m starting to sleep properly again. I know how hard it is when your head is swimming but it does make a difference. I accidentally heard Tibetan singing bowls and that has helped for some reason.

I wish you strength to manage and also hope that it will get better. 🌻

so I get walked all over and taken advantage of
you could find somewhere you feel okay and spend a moment writing down strategies for how to deal with these situations differently, so think of examples of where you were walked all over, and think of different ways to deal with it, or different ways to think about it if reframing would help. You can then visualise yourself doing things differently, practice in your head, so it is easier to do it differently when situations arise

Great suggestions above.

Bit hard to advise without more context, but I would add (in some kind of escalating order of engagement/assertiveness):

• bottom line is, try to never be alone with this person, always have a support person with you
• if they're a colleague, document and date everything and refer on to HR
• if they are a relative/IL/frenemy/neighbour etc, then minimise contact as much as possible; don't go to their home, always have 'something else on,' be rushing out the door if they turn up
• do not accept or ask them for any favours eg. child minding, financial support
• grey rock them (or only talk about the weather, no matter what)
• when they say something awful, you can try walking away, hanging up (try 'oops, sorry, I have to go now, the cat's on fire')
• If you are alone them, take a moment (eg. to go to the loo, have to take a phone call)
• pretend you don't hear them, or are hard if hearing and say 'what did you say?' This is particularly effective if you say it twice, looking confused each time.
• when they speak, do not respond, look away from them, deliberately change the subject, and talk to someone else
• if they are doing something offensive and bullying, say, 'when you say [repeat verbatim what they said] can you help me understand, as I'm not sure what you mean?
• say 'when you say/do [offensive bullying thing], I feel [emotion/effect on you, eg. Disrespected] and I would prefer it if you [did this instead]'
• disagree with them in an extremely calm and unflappable manner
• if there are other people this person also bullies, speak with them and confront the bully as a united front
• stand up the person, despite feeling the discomfort of doing so. I sometimes visualise having a strong friendly support person by my side and thinking about what they'd be proud of me for saying to the bully.

Ask yourself: what's the worst that can happen if you do assert yourself? Can this person ground you, sack you, alienate you, kill you, or will they just make you feel bad? It's your life OP. You don't deserve to be ruled by a toxic arsehole. Take back your power.

OP I hope it’s some comfort to read that this is not because of anything about you as it happens to so many people.

At some point in one of you posts you began to blame your stress on your own feelings/ anxiety…don’t do that. The fault lies directly and exclusively with this bully and their behaviour.

Can you see a time when this will be over? I totally get the fear and inability to stand up to her but do you have a plan of how or when to leave? ❤️

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this.
I did, for 15 years with someone who I worked with who was related to the director.
I got upset, I tried to get her to like me..inevitably she always managed to upset me.
Then I stone walled her, no emotion, no reaction, no communication unless absolutely necessary. Bullies thrive on attention, she hated my silence, my lack of acknowledgement of her.
Finally, I called her out on the shitty things she said, I'd ask her to repeat what she said, then absolute silence as she squirmed.
It was at max a 5 person office, it was very awkward, but by playing deaf and dumb I saw what a weak, nasty person she was, her bullying gradually tapered down.
If any of this works for you ..
I wish you well, your bully is a POS essentially.. her treatment of you is probably her actual dislike of herself. Underneath it all is a huge insecurity, don't feed the troll.. reaction is what she craves. (Assume it is a she) without any response I hope she stops.

@ADHDGURL
Finally, I called her out on the shitty things she said, I'd ask her to repeat what she said, then absolute silence as she squirmed.

This is a very good life tactic for the future. I thank you.

The problem I have now though as I've said is that no it isn't so much the bullying its now how I feel because of the previous bullying and undermining. LIke I said before, it's like if a dog is kicked repeatedly to stop it barking, eventually there is no need to kick becuase it will just be silent because it is scared. So now its more that I have this anxiety and tension and stress in me because of whats gone before.

If you saw a transcript of what she says to me you probably would be all what is she on about but its more the tone which is dripping with distain and like Im an idiot.

For example earlier this week we were doing something together that was fully occupying and required team work - not this but say moving a piano - and I said mid way through when a problem developed

I said "I think we should do X [to deal with the problem]
She gave a huge cross between a sigh and a tut, and said in a very hostile manner " @stabilzing we need to do Y first and then deal with it" The tone was absolutely you are a fucking idiot and I dislike everything about you.
I said 'but I think it would be easier if we do X first because (of sensible reasons)"
She then said (Same tone)" I have my ways of doing things. Lets do Y first it will be easier to do X second" (the subtext of which is my ways are correct and you are a fool)

I felt that internal feeling of being scared and small and like my attempt to suggest anything was an affront to her. As I said if you saw it written down, youd think nothing of it. It just looks like one person suggests X, one person suggests Y, both for different reasons, they disagree so do Y. Even if you watched it on a video you'd probably think she was just a bit short with me.

For me though the problem is because of her general historic manner towards me and demeanour and rudeness, I'm scared of her. She makes me feel reduced, sick and shrunken inside.

I'm not joking when I say that when I went to bed last night after having to spend all day with this woman, my heart was racing from anxiety thinking about the whole situation. I was very much trying to focus on the stuff on this thread and thinking its not forever but it was a real struggle that required a big effort - breathing mediations and stuff to calm my tension.

I feel inside that she has malicious intent towards me so it scares me. It is more likely that she probably just doesn't like me and doesn't care more than that but in my head, it's like she's an evil malevolent witch plotting my death every moment of the day. That's how it feels.

I know this all sounds like the ramblings of an insane person and maybe it is

@Bex5490
OP I hope it’s some comfort to read that this is not because of anything about you as it happens to so many people.

It really is. I'm helped by all the posts here. I'm grateful.

I know exactly how you feel. I’m like this with my STBXH. We are still divorcing and he is trying to control everything. After over 30 years of marriage to a bully I have no resiliency left.

During the last year I have been trying all sorts and I think of it as my ‘get braver’ project.

I feel I can cope with anything but him. He sends me into a nervous, anxious wreck. I don’t trust him at all and feel any contact from him will just be more hurt and pain for me. Previously I would have just agreed with him or done what he asked, but you can’t do that when you are divorcing. I’ve tried to explain to other people what it’s like to feel so helpless and scared of another person, but most people just don’t get it.

I started seeing a therapist who explained about ACT theory (acceptance and commitment therapy). There’s quite a lot to it, but one aspect is you imagine the person you want to be. She even had me stand up in the room and stand in a powerful pose. (I imagined myself as a warrior standing with my spear on a high rock gazing down eg Lion king vibes).

Then when you are with that person at every decision point (ie when you need to speak or act), you imaging yourself replying as the strong, powerful person you want to be, not the small scared creature they make you feel.

I wonder if this person in your life is someone who bullied you as a child, if so the damage will go very deep and be very ingrained.

The thing that worked the best for me was when my husband got a girlfriend. Now he just wants to divorce and the money side of things is less important to him now.

This alone has made me more relaxed, but to be honest when we get to sorting the Financial Order, I suspect he will revert to type and I will be back to square one.

My therapist also suggested I might be suffering from CPTSD. Complex PTSD. I think it may be worth you looking that one up as well.

I hope you have hope that you can remove yourself from this person at some point in the future. You have my sympathy.

@Isheabastard

I started seeing a therapist who explained about ACT theory (acceptance and commitment therapy). There’s quite a lot to it, but one aspect is you imagine the person you want to be. She even had me stand up in the room and stand in a powerful pose. (I imagined myself as a warrior standing with my spear on a high rock gazing down eg Lion king vibes).

Then when you are with that person at every decision point (ie when you need to speak or act), you imaging yourself replying as the strong, powerful person you want to be, not the small scared creature they make you feel.

I love the idea of standing up like a Lion Queen Warrior. I'm no warrior where she is concerned.

I know what you mean about feeling like you can cope with anything but this one person. I've definitely stood up to other people in the past and am not a wet person but its like some how this has bypassed rationality.

It's like @MediumWell said further up the thread

It’s like a piece of code runs in your mind so quickly when you’re with them that you can’t really stop to address it.

I think this is a brilliant description of it - exactly this - there is just something that takes you straight into that flight.flight panic mode of fear and cowering in the corner like an abused baby monkey

Worked with a bully several years ago. She had her favourites and I was not one of them. I would often go home and cry. One day she said something nasty to me so I stood over her and asked her never to speak to me like that again. She acted as if she had no clue what I was talking about but she never did it again. In fact she started acting like I was her new bestie...even worse really. Have you tried challenging this person - bullies are cowards at heart?

This only works when they are not backed up by management.

I have been bullied at school and at work. Also teased a lot at home in a way that would be thought of as bullying of it were not family.

my one tactic that worked came about by accident when one time after yet another dig, I said ‘this is BORING’ and walked into another room and started doing something else. It was interesting to see the reaction . I wasn’t in a mood or upset, when they tackled me on it later. I just said I found it boring. As it’s a neutral emotion they didn’t know how to handle it.

Are there other people in the same space? Would you be comfortable to confide in them?

I think it’s quite empowering to say out loud how you’re feeling and to have a friendly ear when you’re stressed. I think this can work even if it’s that you’re close to the other people:
It’s not a question of taking sides but if I knew there was a tension between friends or colleagues I’d do everything to make sure everyone was ok, eg. avoiding them being alone together, quietly moving things along if I witnessed an awkward conversation. Checking in with someone if I thought they seemed out of character.

I completely understand how bullying creates scars beyond the initial experience. As a senior manager I launched my company’s BHD initiative a few years ago and it made me realise how much I was still holding onto. It was very healing to put into words how lots of subtle micro behaviours amounted to bullying, to explain how these affected me and knowing the positive impact of this on colleagues.

@Cavewomansue

no - its just me and her. that is part of the problem. it is unpleasantly intense.

* its not work but its closer to a home environment.*
so your job is free of the bully
your home is free of the bully

and yet this person is managing to infiltrate and bully very comprehensively.

It is very baffling

I have been, buts its really hard to give advise without knowing who's bullying you.
Ultimately the only way to deal with it is to stand up to them and cut all contact.