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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP springing guests on me with no notice

69 replies

Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:31

This morning (at 11.30am) DP sprang on me that he's having his two nephews and his niece all afternoon today for his sister. It's the first I've heard of it. They are 11, 9 and 5 and noisy as hell.

I'm neurodiverse so I need time to prepare for things like this. He knows that.

That aside, the flat is messy right now and I don't like people coming round unless I've tidied up. I'm not bothered how other people feel about it. I feel how I feel.

I was planning on having a rare, relaxing day today as I have Friday off.

DP had no intention of doing any housework before he went to get them, until I said "hang on a minute, don't think you're leaving me to do all of the housework by myself"

In fairness he has done his bit now.

But AIBU to think he should be giving me a day's notice at the very least for something like this and this is unacceptable?

OP posts:
Bookworm1111 · 05/01/2024 12:32

I'd be annoyed. Can you take yourself out for the afternoon and leave him to it? Last minute cinema trip or coffee with a friend?

Original poster
Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:34

Bookworm1111 · 05/01/2024 12:32

I'd be annoyed. Can you take yourself out for the afternoon and leave him to it? Last minute cinema trip or coffee with a friend?

That would be lovely but I've got a migraine and don't really feel up to it. I get them most days dispite being medicated for them so it's nothing new and I do power through when I can, I just really wanted to chill out a bit today 😔

OP posts:
trippily · 05/01/2024 12:36

Can you shut yourself away and leave him to it?

ManateeFair · 05/01/2024 12:37

Yes, he absolutely should have given you a lot more notice rather than springing three kids on you there and then.

I think in your position I would go out for the afternoon and leave him and his niece and nephews to it. I'd go for a potter around the shops or something and take myself to a cafe to read a book. Or I'd go for a solo cinema trip.

PaminaMozart · 05/01/2024 12:37

Prioritize chilling out, even if it's just sitting in the library

Faceache45 · 05/01/2024 12:38

I would go out. He didn't discuss it before inviting them so leave him to get on with it.

Original poster
Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:38

trippily · 05/01/2024 12:36

Can you shut yourself away and leave him to it?

I could go into the bedroom and listen to a podcast for a while but that means not being available for my own DC (I forgot to mention in my OP that I have young DC of my own)

I'll definitely be telling him he's in charge of watching the others.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 05/01/2024 12:38

When he said he's having them - did he mean him or is he going to try to make you do it?

Make sure you wedge the bedroom door shut and tell him deal with it by yourself, don't disturb me, my migraine is awful

Louieloves · 05/01/2024 12:39

If I were you, I'd announce my headache and go back to bed for the afternoon, and leave them to it.

IncompleteSenten · 05/01/2024 12:40

X post.
There's no reason he can't take care of all the children except if for eg any of yours are breastfeeding. You can still make yourself available only for essentials.

ArcaneWireless · 05/01/2024 12:40

Leave him to it. Take to your bed.

He volunteers then he can deal with them and keep them quiet. Even if it means taking them out.

Original poster
Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:40

IncompleteSenten · 05/01/2024 12:38

When he said he's having them - did he mean him or is he going to try to make you do it?

Make sure you wedge the bedroom door shut and tell him deal with it by yourself, don't disturb me, my migraine is awful

He means him but I always end up being roped into it somehow as they want to show me their games or whatever else. It's hard to stay out of the way for the duration.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 05/01/2024 12:40

Can he take them out somewhere?

is there a reason he needs to look after them at short notice?

LenaLamont · 05/01/2024 12:41

If he’s looking after his sister’s children as a favour, he can take them out for the afternoon.

I don’t think he needs to give you notice to bring people into the home you share but if you aren’t feeling well he ought to accommodate that.

Original poster
Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:42

He won't take them out anywhere. His sister has somewhere she needs to be and was let down by her sitter apparently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:43

LenaLamont · 05/01/2024 12:41

If he’s looking after his sister’s children as a favour, he can take them out for the afternoon.

I don’t think he needs to give you notice to bring people into the home you share but if you aren’t feeling well he ought to accommodate that.

Ordinarily I would agree with you but we are an autistic / ADHD family. I/we generally need ample notice. He same applies to him usually so it's annoying that he hasn't considered that. If I announced my side were visiting with one hours notice given he would be in a right flap.

OP posts:
Whinge · 05/01/2024 12:43

Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:42

He won't take them out anywhere. His sister has somewhere she needs to be and was let down by her sitter apparently.

Why won't he take them out? It makes far more sense to take them out, rather than 5 (assuming you have 2 small children) children being stuck inside all day.

Sirzy · 05/01/2024 12:44

so would you rather he didn’t help his sister out when she is stuck?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/01/2024 12:45

Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:42

He won't take them out anywhere. His sister has somewhere she needs to be and was let down by her sitter apparently.

Tough shit. He'll have to take them out somewhere. The extra kids plus your own kids.
You have a migraine.
Don't stand for this op. It isn't fair. He can't make unilateral decisions like this which impact you so much.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 05/01/2024 12:47

Can he look after them at their house? Or would that be worse for you, as he wouldn't be able to help with the younger kids?

jannier · 05/01/2024 12:48

I'd put in ear plugs take the sick bowl and go lie down he can look after yours as well.
Tens and acupuncture are great for migraines....have you seen your GP

Original poster
Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:50

I asked him to take them out and he started listing off reasons why that wouldn't work. The weather is crap, we don't have enough spare money to take them anywhere (we do), they won't want to go to the park in crap weather, they don't like the library, etc etc.

What an arse 😣

OP posts:
jannier · 05/01/2024 12:52

I think he ven the circumstances assuming it's important I wouldn't expect notice as long as she is willing to help if needed. With kids unexpected things happen. But he needs to do the care of all your ill.

DesuOwl · 05/01/2024 12:52

Why can't he watch them at SILs house?

Original poster
Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:52

jannier · 05/01/2024 12:48

I'd put in ear plugs take the sick bowl and go lie down he can look after yours as well.
Tens and acupuncture are great for migraines....have you seen your GP

I have my tens machine on right now 🙂

I went down the GP route years ago yes. I'm under secondary care now with a neurologist. I'm on a bunch of meds and have medical botox for them every 3 months. I'm overdue that atm so I'm flaring up quite a bit.

OP posts:
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