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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this uncomfortable

51 replies

0001010001a2 · 04/01/2024 21:00

My child, 3.5 has a grandparent (my PIL) who, when it's time to say goodbye, asks for a kiss and kisses my child on the lips. It makes me really uncomfortable for some reason and I feel it's inappropriate. I want it to stop before my child feels uncomfortable too as they're getting to the age where they soon might. I also have a 6 month old and I don't want this habit to start with them too. What can I say that's low-key enough not to cause upset but firm enough so that they know I'm not happy with it and that it never starts with my baby?

OP posts:
babasaclover · 04/01/2024 21:25

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, that would gross me out totally. Not sure what to say to make it better though

Coffeespill · 04/01/2024 21:26

Why has it gone this long without you stopping it
?

Coffeespill · 04/01/2024 21:27

Say something like. Not the lips, the cheek is fine.

Letsgetouttahere2023 · 04/01/2024 21:29

I still kiss my kids on the lips sometimes, so does david Beckham ;-).

I don't see the problem if your child doesn't mind..? What does your husband think? .
Did something happen tonyou in the past that makes you feel so uncomfortable?

Letsgetouttahere2023 · 04/01/2024 21:30

Ps my eldest is 12

mumsytoon · 04/01/2024 21:33

Letsgetouttahere2023 · 04/01/2024 21:29

I still kiss my kids on the lips sometimes, so does david Beckham ;-).

I don't see the problem if your child doesn't mind..? What does your husband think? .
Did something happen tonyou in the past that makes you feel so uncomfortable?

That's your child, the gps doing it is completely not the same. Op, Sometimes you have to stand up and say it's not ok even if someone gets offended. I would just say not to do that and wouldn't care if they get upset. It's so inappropriate!

onestepfromgrace · 04/01/2024 21:37

I LOVE kissing my DGC, squeezy cuddles, kisses all over their face, their head, they love it and laugh, since they were old enough to answer I have always said can I kiss you and they have all found their own time to tell / ask me to stop.

Greycottage · 04/01/2024 21:42

Just ask them not to. You are the parent. Communicate.

Fwiw I kiss my kids on the lips (rather, they choose to kiss me on the lips. But I started it when they were babies). My toddler is such an affectionate child they will opt to kiss grandparents / uncles / aunts on the lips, too. Some family members swerve to a cheek kiss, some don’t, no biggie. But that is the child initiating the kiss. If you feel that grandparents are initiating and forcing a kiss, you need to speak up firmly.

goodkidsmaadhouse · 04/01/2024 21:42

YANBU. And I say that as someone who kisses their kids on the lips.

cariadlet · 04/01/2024 21:42

I only found out a few years ago that some parents do this. It seems really weird too me. It would have made me feel very uncomfortable if a relative had done this to my dd when she was little.

I think of kisses on the lips as being for people in romantic or sexual relationships.

A kiss on the cheek seems more natural between children and parents or grandparents.

Mumsgirls · 04/01/2024 21:59

I don’t like it as a bit creepy also risk of cold sore virus for life. Would not have allowed it for my dc.
just because Beckham does it, still creepy

Bex5490 · 04/01/2024 23:26

I definitely wouldn’t like this.

I often say to 4 year old. Who do we kiss and he says only mummy and daddy. If someone asks for a kiss he says ‘I only kiss mummy and daddy but you can have a hug?’

Subtly make your kid say no and I’m sure PIL won’t force the issue. And if he did I’d tell him not to as you’re teaching your child about safety, boundaries and consent.

AllIsWellish · 04/01/2024 23:30

My 2 oldest ds always kissed my grandad on the lips up until he died to years ago when they were 26 and 19, my 3rd who is 12 is like me and doesn't do lip kissing if the child doesn't like it ime they will say

Mistlebough · 04/01/2024 23:36

I have never heard of adults kissing children on the lips. In my family that would be weird and deeply inappropriate and reserved for couples. You should speak up clearly about what you feel comfortable with as your children need adults to make boundaries for them.

Babyroobs · 04/01/2024 23:37

Mistlebough · 04/01/2024 23:36

I have never heard of adults kissing children on the lips. In my family that would be weird and deeply inappropriate and reserved for couples. You should speak up clearly about what you feel comfortable with as your children need adults to make boundaries for them.

Agree. It's not something my family have ever done.

Lizzieregina · 04/01/2024 23:41

Children should be taught very early on that they can say no to any kissing or touching. Tell your child that they don’t have to kiss anyone they don’t want to.

My kids are already adults but they always had autonomy over their body and could refuse kisses or hugs if they wanted to. Sometimes they just did a nice hand shake.

Jumpingpogosticks · 04/01/2024 23:45

"Oh no, PIL we don't encourage that, it's something that's advised these days to set a boundary around what children deem as normal or not. Safeguarding and all that.
MIL understands, FIL not so much, MIL sort of explains to him on my behalf now.

The boundary of not allowing our children to feel expected to give out affection to anyone feels really positive to me. Kissing on the lips is also in my view a no go. I don't kiss my kids on their lips, they get nose kisses (or forehead kisses if a cold is on the horizon)
I really wouldn't want people to push boundaries for affection, especially if it was kissing on the lips.

verdantverdure · 04/01/2024 23:46

I'd get my partner to handle their parents on this one.

Breakthemould · 05/01/2024 00:31

I completely agree with you. I think a parent/child kiss is quite natural, but no one else. Children should always be taught that it is ok to say no if they feel uncomfortable. We also say that we only have surprises (birthdays or Christmas gifts ect) and never secrets.

Maybe you could just say honestly that you're not comfortable with it and that you're teaching your child how to set boundaries and keep themselves safe, and thank them as you know they will support your choices as a parent to teach their grandchild this! It might be tough but it's important.

EdinGirl · 05/01/2024 01:15

I resented my grandma for doing it and I resented ny mum for not stopping when they both could see how much it disgusted me from a young age.

I don't believe adults should be kissing children on the lips and I don't care what celebrity does it.
I find it vile.

Cheek kissing is a normal greeting/farewell all around the world. We wouldn't kiss adults on the lips without consent, would we? 🤔

I also get cold sores due to an aunt doing it on my birthday when I was about 6.

AppleDumplings · 05/01/2024 02:00

I'm from a family of lip kissers. It's LITERALLY a quick peck. I can promise you wholeheartedly no tongues are involved 😂. It is so normal to us I never give it a moments thought. But if it's not how you were raised or you don't like it then use your tongue to say otherwise.

homezookeeper · 05/01/2024 02:55

I always said "No, we don’t kiss on the lips" and removed child before it landed. Other families might find this the usual thing to do but not mine, so I made it clear. Makes it easier to make a point about the child having personal autonomy over their own body as they get older, no forced cuddles or kisses of any kind if the child doesn't want to - because that's how it should be.

Amybelle88 · 05/01/2024 02:56

I kiss my kids on the lips - in fact they give me a telling off if I don't! But I don't really feel comfortable with anyone else doing it, so I do get where you're coming from completely.

SingleMum11 · 05/01/2024 03:04

Not on the lips no. It’s a really good boundary to have as a child, and as parents to see us intervening is also really great for them to see. It’s like they see that it’s OK to say no to physical touch.

I said clearly to my kids that kissing on the lips is only for married people. Of course we know as adults that you don’t have to be married, but I think it’s one of the more powerful ways we can safeguard - they get a clear message that some very intimate touches are not for children basically. So if Uncle Perv wants to get them used to physical touches, they will be more alert to it, as also a family then it is clear there is a boundary. Most abuse is from family or adults known to a family, so if we all did more of this it would cut down abuse.

CurlewKate · 05/01/2024 03:35

It's one of those things that some families do and some families don't. Maybe talk to your dp about it?