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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Feeling hurt because DH is not keeping me in the loop

63 replies

mummykik · 04/01/2024 12:52

Hello Mumsnetters,

I'm very aware that I may be overreacting with this so please be kind in your responses.

To provide a bit of background, DH and I have been married for 12 years. We therefore have many mutual 'couple friends', of course these have usually started with a friendship from one side (i.e. my friend and then my DH and her husband also become friends).

DH and I have a very chatty, lovely relationship. We generally share everything. We talk about things our friends are going through etc.

A few years ago one of our couple friends split up. The wife is one of my best friends and therefore she often sought my company in the aftermath of the split. DH was very supportive of my friend (she had been cheated on) and DH and I spoke quite a lot about what they were going through.

Fast forward to now and another one of our couple friends has split. This time it is one of DH's friends. We are very close with the couple and even spent October holidaying with them. The split came as a shock. DH was told about the split by his friend - as we are friends with both parties, DH asked his friend if it would be ok for us to reach out to his former partner. The friend told DH that the split was amicable, albeit sad, and that we shouldn't feel like we had to 'choose sides'.

Since the split, I've contacted both parties and have spoken with DH's friend's wife in a bit more depth. I shared what the wife said with DH. We spent awhile talking about it as we love and care about both of them. DH was going to chat with his friend early in the New Year.

Anyway, yesterday I asked DH if he had spoken with his friend. He told me no. About 30 minutes later I used DH's phone to call mine (to locate it) and noticed that he had in fact had 3 long conversations with his friend that day.

I'm hurt. It's not so much that I feel like I should be entitled to every detail but I feel like I have always shared with him and now have just realised that he doesn't actually share with me? Also the direct lie pisses me off a bit.

Am I being way too over the top and unreasonable? Or is it normal for me to be hurt?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/01/2024 12:53

Ask him why he lied

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 04/01/2024 12:54

3 long conversations are unusual. I suspect the friend doesn’t want you to know that he isn’t in a great way.

PauliesWalnuts · 04/01/2024 12:54

I think that you're way too invested in your friends lives. You don't have the right to know everything.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 04/01/2024 12:58

Yanbu. He could have said yes they spoke but he osnt going to break a confidence.

Its very odd to lie outright.

LubaLuca · 04/01/2024 13:00

I imagine the friend has asked your husband to not tell you. Maybe, for whatever reason, he thinks you're the kind of person who gets too involved in other people's lives and he doesn't want you knowing his business.

Muchof · 04/01/2024 13:04

You (both of you) sound very gossipy. I expect the friend asked DH not to discuss.

SprinklesMcDoodles · 04/01/2024 13:04

It sounds like you know too much about their lives already. His friend probably doesn’t want you to know what they’re discussing and it’s possible your husband finds it easier to tell you he doesn’t know anything than to ask you questions. Stay out of it, it’s not your business, no matter how close you are.

Salesarefullofcutpricesprouts · 04/01/2024 13:06

Maybe dh hs no interest in keep in mulling over the business of other people..

gamerchick · 04/01/2024 13:07

The level of intensity into other people's relationships you're expressing is weird OP. You don't need to know the ins and outs and stop gossiping about what you're told. Seriously dude.

takealettermsjones · 04/01/2024 13:08

I'm betting the friend knows you're in touch with his ex and doesn't want whatever he said getting back to the ex. I agree with PP that you and DH sound far too involved in your friends' lives. Stay out of it!

Nudgethatjudge · 04/01/2024 13:09

I wonder if the friend has told DH to not tell you in case you tell his ex-partner.

sweetpickle23 · 04/01/2024 13:11

Honestly OP it sounds like you're far too involved in your friend's personal lives. I broke up with my ex-husband after 15 years, and whilst I don't doubt our very close group of mutual friends were all shocked and upset, not one of them made it mine or his problem. Talk about it amongst yourselves if you must but don't reach out to the individuals in the couples for the goss!

I think your husband lying in this situation is okay- he clearly thought it would be easier than saying no when you inevitably then asked for the details. Can you honestly say you wouldn't have asked, or dropped it if he'd asked you to?

Also agree with PP I think the husband asked him not to say anything so it didn't get back to the wife. Even if you didn't know details, maybe he just didn't want "I made 3 long phone calls to x" getting back to her.

Ace56 · 04/01/2024 13:12

Very weird of DH to lie. He should’ve said yes, he’d been in contact but the friend asked him to keep it private.

I would definitely call him out on this…

HarrietTheFireStarter · 04/01/2024 13:13

I'd hazard a guess that no-one is overly thrilled about the level of "concern" you take in other people's relationships, and are trying to rein you in. Jeez. Back off. And your husband is entitled to be a confidante. Show some respect.

Goldbar · 04/01/2024 13:19

You don't have the right to know absolutely everything about other people's lives just because you are "close" to them.

tigger1001 · 04/01/2024 13:20

Why do you need to know? Why get involved? I suspect the friend asked you're husband not to tell you, and in truth I can see why.

Abouttimemum · 04/01/2024 13:22

I’d be pissed off about the lying to be honest, because I just think, if you lie about that what else are you happy to lie about.

In these sorts of situations DH and I would probably have a chat if one of us had seen the other etc, but we wouldn’t talk about any messaging and the like. You both sound very over involved in other people’s business.

But the direct lie would make me uneasy.

Whattodo112222 · 04/01/2024 13:24

The lie yes is uncalled for.

But honestly, sometimes you don't have to share absolutely everything. You also don't have an automatic right to information by proxy of your husband. Its OK for him to be his friends confidant.

Createausername1970 · 04/01/2024 13:25

Its odd he said no when he had, But a couple of things spring to mind.

The male friend knows you are in touch with his ex-partner and maybe he wants to have conversations with his friends that he doesn't want repeating back to the ex. Its easier for DH to say "no" rather than "yes but I can't tell you".

From the title of your thread it seems like you feel entitled to know everything, so perhaps DH was finding the best way to manage your expectations.

Also, it seems a bit convenient that you looked at his phone, regardless of the reason.

On balance, I think DH is doing what he thinks is best at this moment.

DuchessPotato · 04/01/2024 13:28

Why would he lie? That’s odd to me.

RedHelenB · 04/01/2024 13:29

Ohtobetwentytwo · 04/01/2024 12:58

Yanbu. He could have said yes they spoke but he osnt going to break a confidence.

Its very odd to lie outright.

I've a feeling that if he thought OP would accept that without further discussion then that's what he'd have done. Yabu OP to expect to discuss everything, friends included, with your spouse.

Original poster
mummykik · 04/01/2024 13:31

Thank you.

Just to clarify - as it probably hasn't been worded great on my part - it is not so much that my DH and I are massively involved in our friend's lives... we actually aren't trying to pry or to get involved at all. It is their live and we respect their privacy (and have always done with all of our friends)

All I was trying to convey is that my DH and I usually share this type of communication with each other. Sort of like 'Oh I spoke with A earlier and she is really upset about it - its been really hard on her"

I also would totally respect that my DH does not have to tell me everything, but it's more the direct lie with the phone call that I'm miffed about. He could have told me 'oh I spoke to B, he's not doing well and we had a bit of a man-to-man chat' and I would have left it be.

OP posts:
Theatrefan12 · 04/01/2024 13:32

You see it on here all the time “me and DH don’t have secrets, if my friend tells me something then I will tell DH”

To be honest if I had a friend like that I wouldn’t tell them anything as I know they would go home and tell their husband.

Maybe your DH friend feels the same

If a friend tells me something in confidence it stays that way, I don’t share with my DH

Original poster
mummykik · 04/01/2024 13:33

I don't expect to discuss everything - it is simply that when you see someone as your best friend, you generally talk about most things.

There are topics my DH has never wanted to discuss (his previous relationships for example) and I have never asked him about those even though I have talked with him about mine.

OP posts:
StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 04/01/2024 13:34

but I feel like I have always shared with him and now have just realised that he doesn't actually share with me?

This is the business of other people though. It shouldn't be hurtful that a friend confided in him and he has chosen not to do what you usually do, and mull it over and talk about it endlessly.

People are entitled to have private conversations.

To be honest, if I were your friend, and found out you told your husband absolutely everything I said and discussed it in detail, we wouldn't be friends much longer.

This isn't about you, this is about your dh supporting his friend.