AIBU - Feeling hurt because DH is not keeping me in the loop

[mummykik]

Hello Mumsnetters,

I'm very aware that I may be overreacting with this so please be kind in your responses.

To provide a bit of background, DH and I have been married for 12 years. We therefore have many mutual 'couple friends', of course these have usually started with a friendship from one side (i.e. my friend and then my DH and her husband also become friends).

DH and I have a very chatty, lovely relationship. We generally share everything. We talk about things our friends are going through etc.

A few years ago one of our couple friends split up. The wife is one of my best friends and therefore she often sought my company in the aftermath of the split. DH was very supportive of my friend (she had been cheated on) and DH and I spoke quite a lot about what they were going through.

Fast forward to now and another one of our couple friends has split. This time it is one of DH's friends. We are very close with the couple and even spent October holidaying with them. The split came as a shock. DH was told about the split by his friend - as we are friends with both parties, DH asked his friend if it would be ok for us to reach out to his former partner. The friend told DH that the split was amicable, albeit sad, and that we shouldn't feel like we had to 'choose sides'.

Since the split, I've contacted both parties and have spoken with DH's friend's wife in a bit more depth. I shared what the wife said with DH. We spent awhile talking about it as we love and care about both of them. DH was going to chat with his friend early in the New Year.

Anyway, yesterday I asked DH if he had spoken with his friend. He told me no. About 30 minutes later I used DH's phone to call mine (to locate it) and noticed that he had in fact had 3 long conversations with his friend that day.

I'm hurt. It's not so much that I feel like I should be entitled to every detail but I feel like I have always shared with him and now have just realised that he doesn't actually share with me? Also the direct lie pisses me off a bit.

Am I being way too over the top and unreasonable? Or is it normal for me to be hurt?

Odd he lied about it, I’d be inclined to ask why he felt the need to lie. He could have mentioned he’d spoken to him but didn’t want to relay the details to you because his friend wished for them to be kept private. Why the lie? It’s a bit unnecessary.

They're men. Probably didn't even mention the split during three conversations. Probably didn't want to share a conversation about football or "nothing."

EVERYONE'S HUSBAND IS NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR, MUMSNET!

@MasterBeth I mean I didn't say affair, but two of his close friends are living the single life, maybe he decided to join?

So who is he calling? The divorce lawyer?

@MasterBeth babes... I'm not the husband it was just a suggestion for op... who is gone anyway

It was a dumb suggestion for someone whose husband hasn't shared the contents of a few conversations and is feeling hurt and upset.

You're a mind reader too are you?
as well as being more knowledgeable about the OP's husband.

I should have added 'in my opinion' to the end of 'clearly thats whats happened here'. To me, it's clear.

I haven't mentioned the OP's husband in my post so not sure what you're referring to there.

I think that rather asking whether you have a right to be hurt, you'd be better off finding out why DH lied?

The lie is problematic for sure, but I don’t really understand the whys and wherefores. It just seems so strange to me that you have all of these friend relationships. How do you find the time to concentrate on anything else?? (Missing the point I know)

Is it possible he spoke with friend and didn't discuss breakup? That's what my H would do. Just be talking sport...

Your DH should not lie to you, all the other information is irrelevant.

Ask him why he lied, make sure there isn’t any more to this. Hopefully, it was a blip and you can talk it out.