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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Feeling hurt because DH is not keeping me in the loop

63 replies

mummykik · 04/01/2024 12:52

Hello Mumsnetters,

I'm very aware that I may be overreacting with this so please be kind in your responses.

To provide a bit of background, DH and I have been married for 12 years. We therefore have many mutual 'couple friends', of course these have usually started with a friendship from one side (i.e. my friend and then my DH and her husband also become friends).

DH and I have a very chatty, lovely relationship. We generally share everything. We talk about things our friends are going through etc.

A few years ago one of our couple friends split up. The wife is one of my best friends and therefore she often sought my company in the aftermath of the split. DH was very supportive of my friend (she had been cheated on) and DH and I spoke quite a lot about what they were going through.

Fast forward to now and another one of our couple friends has split. This time it is one of DH's friends. We are very close with the couple and even spent October holidaying with them. The split came as a shock. DH was told about the split by his friend - as we are friends with both parties, DH asked his friend if it would be ok for us to reach out to his former partner. The friend told DH that the split was amicable, albeit sad, and that we shouldn't feel like we had to 'choose sides'.

Since the split, I've contacted both parties and have spoken with DH's friend's wife in a bit more depth. I shared what the wife said with DH. We spent awhile talking about it as we love and care about both of them. DH was going to chat with his friend early in the New Year.

Anyway, yesterday I asked DH if he had spoken with his friend. He told me no. About 30 minutes later I used DH's phone to call mine (to locate it) and noticed that he had in fact had 3 long conversations with his friend that day.

I'm hurt. It's not so much that I feel like I should be entitled to every detail but I feel like I have always shared with him and now have just realised that he doesn't actually share with me? Also the direct lie pisses me off a bit.

Am I being way too over the top and unreasonable? Or is it normal for me to be hurt?

OP posts:

Didimum · 04/01/2024 13:36

Maybe your DH just didn’t want a long winded conversation with you about it at that time

Shakeyshakeyshake · 04/01/2024 13:36

But he shouldn’t be telling you that if he knows your talking to the ex, sounds like you’d tell the ex and that’s ammunition

AllrightNowBaby · 04/01/2024 13:37

I would never dream of discussing personal things my friends have confided in me, with my husband or anyone else.
I hope you are reading these replies OP because it’s you who has the problem and I can understand why your husband lied about speaking to his friend, to avoid being interrogated by you.
Just back off, it’s none of your business

Ducksinthebath · 04/01/2024 13:38

This sounds more like you’re miffed at missing out on the gossip than anything else.

Original poster

mummykik · 04/01/2024 13:38

I am. Thank you for your advice. I provided a bit more clarification above as it may not have come across correctly on the post

OP posts:

EdinGirl · 04/01/2024 13:39

I really don't like lies.

If he had said "I have spoken, but I am keeping what was said private" that would be acceptable.

Outright lie? Huge red flag

Original poster

mummykik · 04/01/2024 13:40

EdinGirl · 04/01/2024 13:39

I really don't like lies.

If he had said "I have spoken, but I am keeping what was said private" that would be acceptable.

Outright lie? Huge red flag

I guess this is why I'm feeling hurt. I really just hate lies. He has told me he doesn't like talking about his past so we have never talked about it. I don't really need to know the gossip about his friend (its much more his friend than mine), but I was more just pissed about the outright lie ... Thank you for your perspective

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/01/2024 13:40

I’m guessing he feels that if you told you he had spoken to his friend, even if he said he didn’t want to share details, that you’d be needling him for the gossip, so it’s just easier to say he hasn’t. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve “always told each other” things. This isn’t to do with you, it’s not something you need to know about. The advice to “call him out” over it is just disturbing, I can’t imagine having a partner who felt they were owed that level of detail about my movements.

Muchof · 04/01/2024 13:40

mummykik · 04/01/2024 13:33

I don't expect to discuss everything - it is simply that when you see someone as your best friend, you generally talk about most things.

There are topics my DH has never wanted to discuss (his previous relationships for example) and I have never asked him about those even though I have talked with him about mine.

when you see someone as your best friend, you generally talk about most things

I see DH as my best friend, but he went out with some friends just before Christmas for example. I don’t expect to know everything they discussed, in fact I didn’t enquire about anything they discussed.

You say you are most concerned that he didn’t tell you about the phone call, but your thread title says “not keeping you in the loop” which in fact suggests that it is all the gory details you really want. Honestly, I expect your husband, who is certainly no innocent in this gossiping about friends, is maybe starting to find it uncomfortable.

insomniac1 · 04/01/2024 13:40

I think ppl are being overly harsh on OP.

I wouldn't be happy if my husband lied to my face either. He should have just said yes I did but he doesn't really want it being discussed

sweetpickle23 · 04/01/2024 13:41

"He could have told me 'oh I spoke to B, he's not doing well and we had a bit of a man-to-man chat' and I would have left it be."- but you're not even entitled to know that really OP. The husband may not want even that level of detail getting back to his wife.

I tell my partner most things, but if a friend asks me not to tell him/tell anyone I will keep it zipped. Clearly thats what's happened here.

Original poster

mummykik · 04/01/2024 13:44

Thank you everyone for your replies and perspectives. Even if I may not agree with everyone, I appreciate the range of thoughts about this. I have had a good mix of advice now and need to get on with my day. I won't be reading any more replies to this thread so please consider it closed.

OP posts:

Jl2014 · 04/01/2024 13:46

i assume lying was easier than telling you that he didn’t want to regurgitate the conversation with his friend. Perhaps you should reflect on that. You sound very nosey and it seems clear you are expecting him to trade gossip with you. Hats off to your husband for protecting and supporting his friend. Focus on your own life and stop gossiping about your so called friends.

ditalini · 04/01/2024 13:47

It sounds to me like your dh thought it would cause a row or tension if he refused to tell you what his friend had said to him.

You'll need to ask him why he feels that way. It may be your perception of being happy for him to keep things from you is not the same as his.

It's an odd thing to lie about otherwise.

TeaGinandFags · 04/01/2024 13:56

Theatrefan12 · 04/01/2024 13:32

You see it on here all the time “me and DH don’t have secrets, if my friend tells me something then I will tell DH”

To be honest if I had a friend like that I wouldn’t tell them anything as I know they would go home and tell their husband.

Maybe your DH friend feels the same

If a friend tells me something in confidence it stays that way, I don’t share with my DH

OP is not after the gory details, she just wants to know ehat DH is doing, if not a general temperature reading.

The problem arises when someone pretends not to have a conversation or three causing the other person to want to know it all. It could be dynamite that OP would have had no interest in had DH said he'd had a few chats.

EdinGirl · 04/01/2024 13:57

mummykik · 04/01/2024 13:40

Show quote history

I think people are being unfair to you.

Me and my DH chat about all sorts and I would say we pretty much tell each other everything and we love a little harmless gossip between us.

I know there's a few things he doesn't tell me regarding his friends and he just says that he is being supportive but for me not to worry.

If he lied I would be questioning why he found it so easy to look me in the eye and do it.
Relationships are built on a foundation of trust and little lies erode that

betterangels · 04/01/2024 14:05

Muchof · 04/01/2024 13:04

You (both of you) sound very gossipy. I expect the friend asked DH not to discuss.

This! I wouldn't blame the friend.

Tinkerbyebye · 04/01/2024 14:10

Theatrefan12 · 04/01/2024 13:32

You see it on here all the time “me and DH don’t have secrets, if my friend tells me something then I will tell DH”

To be honest if I had a friend like that I wouldn’t tell them anything as I know they would go home and tell their husband.

Maybe your DH friend feels the same

If a friend tells me something in confidence it stays that way, I don’t share with my DH

This is spot on. You don’t need to know, and think about it maybe your dh thought he had to lie to stop you going on about it, being nosy etc. He obviously doesn’t want to talk to you about it, and that’s fine

Tattletwat · 04/01/2024 14:16

Ace56 · 04/01/2024 13:12

Very weird of DH to lie. He should’ve said yes, he’d been in contact but the friend asked him to keep it private.

I would definitely call him out on this…

I think it was probably easier than to lie because he thought the OP wouldn't leave him alone until she told her what has been said.

And then there would be a thread on here My DP won't tell me what be has discussed with his friend.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2024 14:19

My guess is the the op's husband knew he'd be pressured by her to spill the beans, and I'm also getting some significant blabbermouth vibes here.

PauliesWalnuts · 04/01/2024 14:22

I don't have a problem with friends who class their other half as their "best friend". But I tell them very little for this reason.
My other half isn't my best mate. I love the bones of him, and I hope he'll always be in my life, but he doesn't need to know everything and neither do I.

Spomsored · 04/01/2024 14:39

Perhaps the fact that they have had 3 conversations is revealing in itself as to how the friend is coping/feeling? Saying "Yes I spoke to him" would likely need some clarification as to how he is, even in general terms, and he may not want that shared with his ex.

I previously had a job where contact with clients had to be kept entirely confidential - not just the details of the contact but the fact that they had been in touch. I found it easiest to not even say to my husband that I had a good/bad/rewarding/demanding shift. It was also a way to leave my work life at work and we had a good support and debriefing system at work.

But ask your DH why he lied.

PickledPegs · 04/01/2024 14:53

It’s odd that he lied - I would wonder why. There may be a good reason why he’s not sharing the details of the conversation but he could easily have said ‘yes we’ve spoken, he asked me to keep it between us though’.

Namerequired · 04/01/2024 14:57

Yabu expecting him to share everything. Perhaps his friend has asked him not to. Yanbu about the direct lie, he shouldn’t have done that.

prawngate · 04/01/2024 15:25

Just in case you come back op.... I'd check that the phone number matches the name saved in contacts. Just incase he is hiding something else and hadn't in fact spoken to said friend.

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