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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex is not ok doing this?

73 replies

PurpleBugz · 04/01/2024 08:02

I just got sent a video by ex of our 17 month old walking down the stairs without help. He's stood at the top of the stairs filming not in reach of child. Had he been below child ready to catch child if they fall i would have no issue.

I responded "I'm really not ok with that! Walk in front of him ready to catch him if he falls ffs"

Ex replied "I did on the first flight, he knew what he was doing the second one!" "Would not hold my hand"

Ex is going to ignore my concerns and make this 'parenting decision' regardless and I want to argue this isn't a different parenting style this is fucking safety.

AIBU? Would you allow a 17 month old walk down stairs independently when you couldn't catch them if hey fell?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 04/01/2024 08:04

No I wouldn’t.

Gabby10 · 04/01/2024 08:07

My DD has been able to walk down the stairs herself for about 3 months, I still stand next to her ready to catch her. All it takes is a little slip on the step or your DS losing concentration for a couple of seconds to fall. My DD gets distracted by the tiniest of things and nearly fell the other day because she saw a spiders web so let go of the banister spindle things that she uses to hold onto! X

Gabby10 · 04/01/2024 08:09

I would also put to ex that as he keeps doing to more his confidence will grow and he'll concentrate less which will make it more dangerous. This is something I imagine my ex would also allow our DD to do so understand how frustrating it is! X

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 04/01/2024 08:10

I'm still really cautious about the stairs now my children are older as I've nearly slipped several times (clumsy by nature) so YANBU at all.

Hopefully now you've pointed it out hell have a think. He was probably just defensive.

LilyDough · 04/01/2024 08:13

No but maybe something much nicer like "ah what a clever boy! But would you mind walking in front of him next time just in case he trips" might have been a much nicer way to try and work together.

Simonjt · 04/01/2024 08:13

Yes, we teach ours very young how to use the stairs safely, so at that age our daughter knew and used the stair shuffle. She has very recently turned two and now walks down the stairs a lot of the time, she obviously does the two step rule (too short not too) or does bum to bum. She doesn’t when we’re out as the stairs won’t be clean, but also because another adult or child might knock her.

ElevenSeven · 04/01/2024 08:14

DS was absolutely fine at 17 months

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/01/2024 08:15

I wouldn't have done this or be happy about it. But i would have (in hindsight probably) worded my text more carefully. Its all about you, and you swore at him. Concentrate on what's best for your child, and try and be more polite and you might get better results

MartinsSpareCalculator · 04/01/2024 08:18

No I wouldn't. But I'd also not take kindly to your ffs message either.

margotrose · 04/01/2024 08:19

Your message probably got his back up.

Doppelgangers · 04/01/2024 08:19

Presumably you're co-parenting which means he is equal in making parenting decisions. You're going to be doing this for many more years and it's going to feel like a lifetime if you make issues over every small thing.

He shared a sweet video with you, proud of something your son did and your first response was to cause an argument. All that happens if you do that is he stops sharing stuff with you.

You might not feel comfortable with his decisions but I don't see that he did anything wrong. A lot of children that age are able to manage stairs independently.

RedHelenB · 04/01/2024 08:21

Mine was climbing everywhere by 17 months. Sounds like your dc was well able to cone dien the stairs by themselves, seems a non issue to me.

MintJulia · 04/01/2024 08:25

It depends on the child.

My ds was walking at 7 months, and walking stairs on his own at 11 months. He also refused to hold my hand. I shadowed him the first couple of times but it was clear that he was stable so I left him to it.

Each little piece of progress will be the same. He will show he can do it in front of one or other of you.

DS is 15 now. His father hit the roof recently because I'd provided him with a bank account and card. Convinced it wasn't safe, but ds handles them very responsibly.

It's part of co-parenting you have to navigate.

Snowdogsmitten · 04/01/2024 08:37

LilyDough · 04/01/2024 08:13

No but maybe something much nicer like "ah what a clever boy! But would you mind walking in front of him next time just in case he trips" might have been a much nicer way to try and work together.

Why should she pussyfoot around the ex husband’s idiocy? To protect his feelings?! 😂 no.

LilyDough · 04/01/2024 08:38

Snowdogsmitten · 04/01/2024 08:37

Why should she pussyfoot around the ex husband’s idiocy? To protect his feelings?! 😂 no.

Show quote history

Pussyfoot? Or just speaking to someone normally like a decent human being? The OPs message to him was rude and unnecessary.

Original poster
PurpleBugz · 04/01/2024 08:45

Obviously I accept saying ffs wasn't the best way to go. I just messaged in the moment.

I was trying to keep OP short and not put a load of info in that's not 100% relevant. But my step daughter had to have her head glued after falling down the stairs with him. Step son picked up a tray of coffee and poured it over himself as a toddler. Lots of incidents like this and nothing is ever ex fault, it's either a funny story of the child fault for doing the thing that them hurt. He refuses to cut grapes etc for our son saying he's fine won't choke etc.. I think ex is a poor parent but lots of it is difference in opinion and I have to accept that. I just thought this was a very clear example where this isn't safe and though MN would be a good way of finding opinions on a single incident without the bias I have of watching what I consider poor parenting.

OP posts:
whenallelse · 04/01/2024 08:50

I agree with dopplleganger- Ex will keep parenting in the way they think is appropriate but will just stop sharing stuff with you so they don't get sworn at

WandaWonder · 04/01/2024 08:53

Why do you think you get to dictate what he does?

Goldbar · 04/01/2024 08:54

Why should you have to sugarcoat his idiocy?

Especially with his history of poor parenting decisions, I would have replied, "wtf are you doing? If our tiny toddler falls down the stairs because you're too busy filming to ensure his safety, then I'll be reporting to social services."

The important thing here is your child's safety not your ex's feelings.

Stickly · 04/01/2024 08:55

Has social work never been flagged up following these other incidents?You're new post scares me!
As to the original question, yes it's common sense to stay within arms reach of a toddler whilst practicing the stairs.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 04/01/2024 08:56

LilyDough · 04/01/2024 08:13

No but maybe something much nicer like "ah what a clever boy! But would you mind walking in front of him next time just in case he trips" might have been a much nicer way to try and work together.

Agree with this. It is how you give the feedback

Original poster
PurpleBugz · 04/01/2024 08:58

WandaWonder · 04/01/2024 08:53

Why do you think you get to dictate what he does?

It's not dictate so much as raies safety concerns. Also because before he talked me into having this child we had lots and lots of discussion about how we would parent and he's now not doing any of what we agreed

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleBugz · 04/01/2024 09:01

Stickly · 04/01/2024 08:55

Has social work never been flagged up following these other incidents?You're new post scares me!
As to the original question, yes it's common sense to stay within arms reach of a toddler whilst practicing the stairs.

Not on the safety stuff no. I believe there was a family support type intervention with Dsd over her obesity and hygiene. Its a big part of why we split as that was always

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleBugz · 04/01/2024 09:02

Not on the safety stuff no. I believe there was a family support type intervention with Dsd over her obesity and hygiene. Its a big part of why we split as that was always his ex fault and I argued as a parent if your child is neglected you step up regardless

OP posts:
TheZoehan · 04/01/2024 09:05

Snowdogsmitten · 04/01/2024 08:37

Why should she pussyfoot around the ex husband’s idiocy? To protect his feelings?! 😂 no.

Show quote history

To protect the child, not his feelings.

If a softer approach is the difference between him standing in front ready to catch or alternatively not doing this to 'prove a point' or show he won't be spoken to in that way, well it's worth consideration.

Unless the child potentially injuring themselves badly is a worthwhile sacrifice to get one over on the ex...