To think ex is not ok doing this?

[PurpleBugz]

I just got sent a video by ex of our 17 month old walking down the stairs without help. He's stood at the top of the stairs filming not in reach of child. Had he been below child ready to catch child if they fall i would have no issue.

I responded "I'm really not ok with that! Walk in front of him ready to catch him if he falls ffs"

Ex replied "I did on the first flight, he knew what he was doing the second one!" "Would not hold my hand"

Ex is going to ignore my concerns and make this 'parenting decision' regardless and I want to argue this isn't a different parenting style this is fucking safety.

AIBU? Would you allow a 17 month old walk down stairs independently when you couldn't catch them if hey fell?

You could call it pussyfooting. Or you could call it using language to achieve your desired outcome.

It’s the same reason when you go to a car showroom the sales person doesn’t say “you had better buy this car your idiot”. They don’t care about your feelings. They care about influencing your actions.

Snap.

To be fair to him then, this scenario was entirely predictable when you decided to have children with him and you were okay with it then… why would he be expecting to parent better/different this time when you knew exactly who he was as a parent?!

I don't think you can do anything about the way he parents. You can bring things up and ask him to consider the dangers, but you can't make him act the way you would or do what you want. I'm afraid it's just the reality of co-parenting. If you genuinely believe your son is at risk in his care then you could ask social services to get involved. Show them the video, explain your concerns and the other incidents and see what they say?

Did all this happen before you got pregnant?

@HoleGuacamole

Because we discussed it all before trying for baby. I raised all the issues I had with how step kids parented and we agreed our child would be raised differently. Step kids are a lot older so I did believe he'd grown as a parent. I also work in early years and was working as a childminder when we were together so he saw what I consider good care of children, had to abide by my policies in the house for my work etc so I really did think he had the hang of it before agreeing to have a baby

@margotrose the step kid stuff yes before we got together but they are older and it was all discussed and we agreed things would be different with our kid/s. Our kid stuff obviously I had no way of knowing he would renege on our agreement till baby here

Mine are 20 months and I wouldnt allow them to walk down the stairs by themselves. Very careless parenting and tbh quite dangerous. My BIL lost his mum last year because she fell down the stairs and banged her head, absolutely heart breaking and nothing anyone could do. She wasnt old, early 60s, so not like she was unsteady on her feet. It takes one little trip and at such a young age its very easy to lose their balance. Your response probably got his back up, but after what you've posted about his parenting skills, id honestly be concerned about him being alone with my DC!!

😂talked you into having a child? Sounds like point scoring with all the past incidents. If he hadn't sent you a video to keep you in the loop, you wouldn't have been any the wiser.

Of course you did. You watched how he behaved, negligently and dangerously, and chose to instead to listen to empty promises that were different to all his actions that you had already seen. You saw him be such a shit parent SS were involved.

Ignore what he said, what was he doing with his children to show he wasnt a selfish lazy areshole?

Depends on the child

I read that as from 3 months and thought 'that's impressive'

My 2 year old is a fantastic climber but something in me, I still follow him up the stairs!

Gosh I am still so careful with dgc at three on stairs. He is a fool, hope another child doesn’t have to pay the price of his carelessness.

My Son is 2 years and 3 months and I would worry about him going down stairs by himself. I don’t see what the need is for a child that age to use the stairs by themselves anyway. Also his nursery are very strict on grapes as one of the staff’s nephew choked on a grape at 5 years old. Unfortunately he died and so that seems a silly risk to take for the sake of cutting a few grapes.

Honestly it depends how long your child has been walking and how steady and careful they are. If they learnt to walk at 16 and a half months and are still very much wobbly-toddling, then I'd be questioning whether it was not better to still be carrying them up and down stairs at 17 months, definately walking slowly with them holding their hand. If they learnt to walk at 15 months or younger (I know some that walk at 11 or 12 months) and are now confident and steady on their feet and I can see they are taking the stairs slowly and steadily, then they are probably safer walking than 1) they are being carried by a parent that could trip, 2) than any adults without great balance/coordination who have to do stairs.

Yes, at 17mo my DS was more capable than me at getting up and down the stairs (Ive spent 25 of my 39yrs in a bungalow and am still shit on the stairs) I fell on the stairs with my DS in my arms when he was 13mo and I dropped him 8 stairs from the bottom on to his front (concrete floor with laminate over) he was fine but from that day I never went anywhere near him coming down the stairs.He was taught to go slow and hold the rail and he has been using the stairs unaided from 14mo.

All my dc came down backwards on their stomachs. Til about 3 years old..

YANBU. 17 months is far too young to be climbing down stairs independently with no one in front to catch them if they fall. I cannot believe that there are others on here suggesting otherwise. I don’t doubt that there are lots of children of that age who can climb down stairs without falling but, at that age, there remains a huge risk that they might fall. It is irresponsible to ignore that obvious risk.

Definitely not! Always taught my kids to go downstairs backwards on their belly & still walked in front of them a 100 times

I agree. You could have made your point in a civil way.

So it can't be any surprise to you that he's neglectful when it comes to safety then, surely? You already knew what he was like and chose to have a child with him anyway.

Where did they swear?

YADNBU. I had stair gates for all mine until they were 2+. This was to stop them walking downstairs by themselves. I held their hand to walk down or walked in front of them. It wasn’t until about 3 that they were allowed to walk down by themselves and then I usually watched. They were careful because of this and walked slowly holding the rail.

The NHS recommends gates until 2yrs:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/first-aid-and-safety/safety/baby-and-toddler-safety/#:~:text=Carry%20on%20using%20safety%20gates,olds%20may%20need%20some%20help).

Show him that.

Yanbu, mine is 16 months and doesn't like to bum shuffle, he likes to walk down just like his big sister (5). He's never once fallen but that doesn't mean it's ok to just let him have at it, DH or I are always in front of him on the stairs.

I really feel for you having to coparent with someone who doesn't take safety seriously, can't believe he won't cut up grapes for a toddler! You might need to change your approach though, given that he's not going anywhere. Maybe send an initial response saying "oh how cute" or whatever and then message him later about safety concerns or speak to him about it when you see him.