To think ex is not ok doing this?

[PurpleBugz]

I just got sent a video by ex of our 17 month old walking down the stairs without help. He's stood at the top of the stairs filming not in reach of child. Had he been below child ready to catch child if they fall i would have no issue.

I responded "I'm really not ok with that! Walk in front of him ready to catch him if he falls ffs"

Ex replied "I did on the first flight, he knew what he was doing the second one!" "Would not hold my hand"

Ex is going to ignore my concerns and make this 'parenting decision' regardless and I want to argue this isn't a different parenting style this is fucking safety.

AIBU? Would you allow a 17 month old walk down stairs independently when you couldn't catch them if hey fell?

The only way to prevent things like this from happening is to be there yourself and you can't always be there. It's going to involve a lot of trust on your end even if you don't want to.

My partner sounds a lot like your ex in terms of safety with my little one, when he was 2 he wasn't holding his hand in a car park. My oldest is more careful with him and he's only 12. He just doesn't get it and sees nothing wrong with how he handles the kids in certain situations. I usually have to intervene and that doesn't work every time. It's hard not to sound controlling. I tell him I'm just being a mother so their safety is a priority to me.

No I wouldn’t. Our 20mo is starting to walk downstairs by himself now and I always hold his hand and go in front of him. Tbh I always try and walk down public stairs in front of my 6 and 4 year olds as I’m worried about them falling. One slip or trip if they’re rushing and they’d go head first 😬

His house his rules

Sadly it's a story older than time where women think they'll be the one that changes a man for the better.

Gosh, naughty OP for not wording her communication more 'nicely' eh? Never mind that her ex is putting their child in danger, big smack on the hand for OP because she might have made the man cross!

Seriously is there any area of life whatsoever where women are not reproached and blamed for outcomes by some people the second they behave in a way that's not seen as 'nice'? I can't imagine the OP would be getting chastised this way if they were male.

The irony is that if OP had reacted in a 'nicer' way, some people would inevitably be piling on to her for not being 'mama bear' enough/putting her child at risk. Women can't win.

Already experienced a child needing their scalp glued from a stair fall and he’s still allowing a baby to walk down the stairs with no one to catch their potential fall. His toddler was scalded from hot coffee and never took ownership.

Call me sceptical, irrational, Karen, whatever, but I wouldn’t let this man have responsibility for our child unsupervised for any length of time. Won’t slice grapes in half because his other two kids never choked on a grape and he quite simply can’t be arsed to put disaster prevention before his own convenience. Bet he wouldn’t have the audacity to argue the futility of cutting grapes to the parent of a child who died from choking on a whole grape, eh? Yes, parenting is meant to be a shared responsibility, but if I was OP I’d take the prerogative that I didn’t bring a baby into the world to spend the entire time that said child is with my ex/their dad literally just waiting for a call to say my child is in A&E.

Prevention is ALWAYS better than cure. You don’t need to wrap children in cotton wool but you do have a responsibility to safeguard them at everywhere possible. There are hundreds of thousands of parents all over the world who only have a headstone or jar of ashes in place of their son or daughter, and what they’d give to rewind time and endure that one, minute, relatively arbitrary detail that would have prevented a tragic accident was done differently 😞

My boys were sprinting before they were one. They absolutely tackled stairs at that age and never went up crab style. I did use a stairgate when they were little. My youngest used to drag me up to the landing so he could practice the tricky bit without a handrail while I sat watching him. My mother told me that as a very chubby baby I only took my first step at 12 months. So it obviously depends on the child.

The grape thing is obviously moronic though. I mean years ago children didn't have them halved but that didn't mean it was a good thing.

People always wonder why women stay with abusive partners or even just partners that don't pull their weight on the parenting front/may as well be a single mum anyway... this is why! Because once you're not together they are entitled to time with their child and they have to have done some evidenced abuse for supervised-only time to be considered.

I'm not saying this was abuse - but could have easily turned into a bad accident and there's nothing OP can really do without going to court and even then this wouldn't be serious enough. Its neglectful and poor OP has to accept that ex thinks this is acceptable! Acceptable enough that he's sent her a video because he literally doesn't see the issue.

Anyone saying his house his rules should be asked. Its damn dangerous. I've fallen down stairs as an adult. At 17 month a serious fall down stairs could cause real damage

I'm just stuck on the fact you knew he wasn't bothered about his kids safety so you decided to have another child with him because he "promised he'd be different this time"

Are you joking? Letting a 17 month old walk down stairs on their own, refusing to cut his grapes up, leaving hot coffee in his reach that's scolded him. She's not telling him what to do, it's basic child protection. I'd feel the same as you, I wouldn't want my child in his care tbh @PurpleBugz

It's so depressing and always ends in the same way. Hopefully OP's child doesn't get hurt in the way his older children did

My twins are 2.5 and I still walk infront of them on the stairs even though they are really good at them. This is because around the age of your little one, their Dad did the same as your ex and thought they were fine on the stairs because they could just about do them and one of my boys fell down the stairs because he slipped!! Thankfully somehow he was ok, just shaken but it could have been so much worse. He showed me with his hands how he rolled over and over down the stairs, it broke my heart.
Their Dad is as reckless with grapes as your ex too. It makes me so angry because it is just laziness, and sometimes not even that, it’s literally no more effort to just use common sense and walk infront of your toddler down the stairs! Their Dad does the same with cooking using the front hobs, I have told him the story of our family friend who should have had an older brother but he was killed age 2 from pulling a pan of boiling water on himself, yet STILL he refuses to mildly inconvenience himself and use a back hob instead of the front ones. The ahole is over 6 foot but when I challenged him on it he says it’s too much effort to reach slightly further back to stir the food. There’s just no winning with some of these reckless idiots unfortunately, they can’t see past themselves.

HNRWT

@PurpleBugz
Babies- which is what yours is- have an uncontrollable reflex (or whatever the medical term is) that can occur at anytime as part of their 'normal forward stepping ' movements- think, walking like they are being pushed. Therefore ANY stumble by baby 3 flights or more before ground- you could be looking at life threatening outcomes.

Unless your parenting is also questionable, I would report ex to SS. If you say he will ignore further concerns from you, no point even sending him an SS warning (which would have been better) but a direct report.

Your ex is an idiot🤦‍♀️why would you even risk the chance of a child that young falling down the stairs. At least be close enough to catch them should they trip.

Think I made mine come down on bums till they were about 3 lol. I've fallen the flight of stairs myself from top to bottom, not fun was lucky I didn't break my bloody neck, it makes my stomach go. I'm still really careful myself now although I don't come down on my bum lol.

This is definitely tough. It does totally depend on the child. My DD is 2.5 and is a cautious child by nature. She would hold my hand for much longer than necessary going up or down one stair outside, but in our house definitely mastered the stairs well before two. If she’s not sure, tired, carrying something, she would go on her bum, and would only walk down holding on if she felt comfortable and someone else was around. I found that her cautious confidence meant it was better to let her go than panic or try and get past her on the stairs if she had set off (our stairs are a nightmare for stair gates).

However, it sounds like there are wider issues. Really you have two choices, report all of the behaviour to social services (this alone wouldn’t be sufficient but overall I imagine it would) and he will be spoken to but will be much less likely to tell you the truth about his parenting. They will have some responsibility to keep an eye but he may just hide things and not change his behaviour.

Or continue to encourage open and honest communication, speak politely to him despite your frustration and concern, and keep a record of any concerns or incidents so that you can raise it if they continue, or have enough to refuse contact on safety grounds.

It’s not a nice position to be in, and only you can gauge the actual risk to your son in his dad’s care.

I’m 40 and I fell down the stairs! So I’m a bit paranoid now. I’m always within catching distance of my 2.5 year old and still stay close to my almost 6 year old!

I’m confused- didn’t you say you work in early years education? So why are you doubting yourself and asking mumsnet if you’re right over some negligent man who has a proven history of not following advice and harm coming to his children?

I have no idea why the other people on the thread here are so passive about it eg his house his rules. To me not cutting up grapes or having a stair gate which is standard medical advice for your child at their age is ignorant if unaware or negligent if they’ve been told. Frankly as a parent he should be checking things if unsure.

im going to get harassed here but I genuinely wouldn’t leave my child in anything other that supervised visits until we ironed out these issues. I would protect my child legally if I had to given he’s had SS involved previously, scalds and falls.
these things do happen but to not be remorseful or learn from the mistakes is the red flag for me. I wouldn’t leave my most precious child with him.

does he enjoy watching the kids struggle or something?

Video on news a couple of days ago of one man pulling a woman and child from a car trapped under a bridge in a river full of rapidly rising water.. Brave, undoubtedly, thankfully, I believe everyone was OK. But who the hell stands back filming instead of lending a hand?

i think your just going to have to accept this

the wording of your message will of pissed him off and doubt he’d will now be open to discussion on this now

our youngest was ok at that age but we spent a lot of time with him as oldest was a nightmare for leaving stair gate open and it was impossible to get a stair gate on at my mums who occasionally looked after them

It's crap thst you have to put up with someone inadequately raising your child. But unless he does something serious (police/ss worthy) there's not an other you can do.

I'd try to keep messages a bit friendlier to keep him onside. But ultimately he will do what he wants.

Well, we mustn't annoy the menz must we? Not even when they're putting a child at risk, seemingly. Like hell should OP 'accept' this.

Jesus no I would not accept this! Awful parenting.