Women with inattentive ADHD who are living their best lives - how do you do it??

[herewegoroundthebastardbush]

I suspect I have ADHD as it explains a lot about me (so does EUPD but I'm struggling to find much useful about that - but hey anyone with EUPD living their best life, I'd be very interested to hear from you too!)

I am a procrastinating, forgetful, binge-eating, rejection-sensitive, occasionally irrationally angry mess. I feel like my life needs a total 100% overhaul but I'm right in the middle of a lot of things (my kids' childhoods basically). So a lot of things I'd like to change I can't (living situation, job).

I am struggling particularly with the following:

(1) binge eating. I am seeking support for this with the NHS but the waiting list is loooong.

(2) emotional volatility. Very up sometimes but also and more often very down.

(3) my job. I love my colleagues, theoretically I love my work. But I constantly procrastinate, back to work two days this week and I did almost fuck all really. My work isn't clear or important enough for people to really notice so I can. But I'm actually quite moral and I am constantly guilty and anxious for wasting their money by wasting their time.

If you have ADHD and kids and are living a happy life, please tell me what that looks like. What kind of job do you have, how do you keep things going, how do you maintain your equilibrium?

Most of what you describe is people pleasing.

Don’t buy or do things to make people like you. They either do or they don’t and expensive gifts won’t change it. Conversely you are more likely to attract poor friendships by giving too much, people that use and abuse you.

Prioritise your health and well being and you won’t feel so angry and volatile. Be curious to the source of your anger maybe it’s justified?

Stay organised with lists in bite sized chunks so you are not overwhelmed. Don’t agree to commitments unless you know it can be managed. Check carefully and monitor over load.

Start living in the now. Enjoying each moment rather than frantically on to the next thing.

It can be done - with discipline- my life is totally together.

That's shocking. I'd urge her to complete the screener for ADHD to 'prove' she meets the threshold for assessment. I filled one in as part of my Autism assessment and the GP couldn't really argue with that.

I'll try and find the screener that I'm talking about and link to it. So many women are wrongly diagnosed with depression or BPD / EUPD when it's actually ADHD.

getting rid of the shame of feeling dysfunctional was a good starting point for me. So just accept this is how I am and I need to find a way to work with it. once you do that you can have some fun seeing what works for you! I’ve lots of little routines and tricks. My whole day at work is generally structured by me with meetings in between. So I eat an elephant beetle for breakfast every day (elephant beetles are tasks that I am avoiding and yes I draw a little beetle next to them on my to do list!). I have a timer for those times when my focus is waning so set that for 15, 30 or 45 min bouts. If my brain is really not playing ball then I have tasks that are lower priority but I find more stimulating so I do those which re ignites the lobes and might get me another hour and half of concentration . Procrastination is interesting and it’s interesting to pay attention to the task itself as I often have some kind of emotional response to it which is why I am avoiding it. It is hard work though!

@willsandnoodle link to adult screener from the ADHD UK website

https://adhduk.co.uk/?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAqNSsBhAvEiwAn_tmxQKZKC0BKtTq5iJXNQGTizZTDgP7zm0kRDzIiulR7PHZc7tAJVp1YRoCkIwQAvD_BwE

Just posting info on the Right to choose pathway in case it's useful to anyone.

https://adhduk.co.uk/right-to-choose/?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAqNSsBhAvEiwAn_tmxe4hqbDt0cv2Gm6RItPF7nKoXYdcXA7yjDB4FRPAMew6DCQnQZKkeRoCd7YQAvD_BwE

@RainbowZebraWarrior thank you!

This is me OP. I’ve got no solution. looking to get a diagnosis and go on anti depressants. Ive become slightly obsessed about my job situation, the rejection sensitivity is something that’s a bit out of control at the moment after being passed over for several jobs.

I am very lucky in that I now earn enough to work 3 days a week and can do that mainly from home. The kids are now both in school so 2 days a week I'm home alone. I find knowing I have days off alone in the week helps me focus on my work when I am working because I know it's not 5 days of drudgery and then a weekend of sensory overload at the weekend (I try and have a day off mid week and Friday off).

Since having kids there is no way I could work full time. The demands are just too high.

Great thread. Still v much a work in progress for me but a few things that have helped:

The right type of job - for me that is tons of variety, lots of deadlines and (this one might be divisive) senior, because that way I don't need to be in the detail, and most of my deadlines are ones my team will naturally remind me of (as in they need me to do something/review something)

Framing goals positively not negatively - e.g. eat 10 fruit and veg portions a day rather than cut out junk food

A little pod thing which has my daily essentials and can move from bag to bag

Harnessing my new task energy to set things up to be automated or reminders etc at the start

I would push for an assessment and see if medication is indicated, it could really help. Get one journal, write down about 5 tasks per day in order of priority and tick them off when done. Try to get referred for DBT. It’s not always available. If not at least google DBT self help and work through it as methodically as you can.

Love this thread! Thank you OP and everyone for the useful tips. I’ve just asked my GP for a referral through RTC (after procrastinating for about 2 years). I have a few things I do to keep me organised but I do fail a lot. I miss bill payments and pay late fees. I forget tasks as I’m distracted by a shiny new one. I can go on and on…

I replaced my socks with a lot of identical black ones so I don’t have to worry about pairing them after laundry.

I use multiple planners and reminders (paper and electronic).

When I’m overwhelmed at work, I write down a list of everything I need to do. I then use a coloured pen and mark the top 3 priorities and do them. Once I complete one, I can mark another one. Only ever 3. I also wrote a to do list for the next day before I go home. Much easier than walking in and wondering where I’m supposed to begin.

I have set up systems for food shop and batch cooking. Bought a big freezer and food processor to make meal prep easy. Lots of identical food storage tubs. Recipes are on two Pinterest boards - one for trying and one for those we’ve tried and liked. Separate group chat with DP where we share links for recipes we spot.

Does anyone know if there’s a support group out there? Is this it? 😂

How is her working life. If the issues are affecting her ability to work and earn a living GP might listen.

Binge eating- try eating carrots, nuts, apples.
It's easy to get full. And it's healthy.

I wish this worked for me but it isn't how BED works (for me at least). It's not that I don't know what is good food or bad food, or that I inadvertently eat too much of the bad food. It's systematic bingeing on specific foods which I can't (as yet) control. It is in every way like bullimia except that I don't throw up. So it isn't really as simple as making substitutions and "getting full". It's not about hunger. I often binge eat whilst feeling horribly full, feeling sick.

@Shoppingfiend she works full time. I don't wish to get too specific but her life is very hectic, and she wouldn't want to be signed off as she needs to keep busy and needs the income. She doesn't really rest, she's always out walking or working. I think she's worried to stop.

This is unlikely to work with ADHD because ADHD binge-eating is about seeking dopamine rather than being full/hungry. People with ADHD have naturally lower levels of dopamine than neurodiverse people. You get dopamine from high reward foods - those rich in fat, carbs or sugar - not carrots, apples and nuts. The way to tackle binge eating when you have ADHD is to find a different source of dopamine to meet that need. Exercise is a good way. Video games even. The key is finding a 'healthier' way to get the dopamine.

I'm trying to get a diagnosis as I'm struggling and it would all explain my childhood issues too

I should have this on a t shirt
I also gamble

Following with interest

I’ve been circling around the idea of ADHD for a while…and I could have written your post! Perhaps it is time to think about getting a professional opinion.. For me I think it’s having young children that’s thrown everything out - I look back and can see so many markers that I’ve just coped with throughout my life, but adding kids means I’ve lost my coping abilities.

The one thing I am on top of is appointments (doctor, dentist, school mufti day, dress like a Victorian day, etc etc). Basically because I am obsessive about putting absolutely everything in my phone calendar with a reminder. I don’t read the school newsletter until I have time to put it all straight in my phone, I put appointments in it while making them, everything goes in there.

Thank you, your post was really
Helpful and honestly gives me hope and is motivating.

I was just thinking that it feels a bit like the movie 'Inside Out' in your head when you have ADD (plus Autism for some). Except the characters are pretty loud, love to interrupt each other and you often get into arguments with them. Plus there are several extra emotion characters, including an annoying one who just sings and repeats random phrases in the background. There is also a very dominant character who provides a commentary on every social interaction you have whilst it is taking place and then gives you a run through of how badly it went at regular intervals throughout the day. Lastly there is a bonus character, like the opposite of The Sandman, who shows up just before you go to sleep and throws a huge party inviting all the emotions.

Yes. And I also have the nostalgic one who likes to randomly pull up memories for no reason like when you're in aldi choosing yoghurts and then suddenly you have a memory of a piano lesson you had when you were 6 and what you played and what the room smelled like and then going on the swings after the lesson and then that switches very quickly to a conversation with friends from when you were 15 that you can replay word for word and then suddenly you're choosing yoghurts again. It's like uncontrollable time slips.

So good to hear from others like me . I have periods of being super busy at work with adrenaline to help
me get masses done ( having procrastinated first) . I do need quiet time to just ‘be’ and decompress .

But I’ve realised that I feel better when busy with some deadlines / pressure because I can think straight and do good work. The downside is the exhaustion afterwards.

Yoga, sleep , music ( repetitive classical music like Mozart) , positive mantras to drown out RSD .

I haven’t worked out how to look after my health well though. Another binge eater…