Women with inattentive ADHD who are living their best lives - how do you do it??

[herewegoroundthebastardbush]

I suspect I have ADHD as it explains a lot about me (so does EUPD but I'm struggling to find much useful about that - but hey anyone with EUPD living their best life, I'd be very interested to hear from you too!)

I am a procrastinating, forgetful, binge-eating, rejection-sensitive, occasionally irrationally angry mess. I feel like my life needs a total 100% overhaul but I'm right in the middle of a lot of things (my kids' childhoods basically). So a lot of things I'd like to change I can't (living situation, job).

I am struggling particularly with the following:

(1) binge eating. I am seeking support for this with the NHS but the waiting list is loooong.

(2) emotional volatility. Very up sometimes but also and more often very down.

(3) my job. I love my colleagues, theoretically I love my work. But I constantly procrastinate, back to work two days this week and I did almost fuck all really. My work isn't clear or important enough for people to really notice so I can. But I'm actually quite moral and I am constantly guilty and anxious for wasting their money by wasting their time.

If you have ADHD and kids and are living a happy life, please tell me what that looks like. What kind of job do you have, how do you keep things going, how do you maintain your equilibrium?

Following.

Oh, and I forgot(!!! 😂)

(4) I forget everything! Important things like booking my kids party, taking them to their dentists spots, picking up my own prescriptions.

(5) impulsive spending. Am currently digging myself out of my overdraft after spending impulsively all last year. Mostly gifts for other people which is silly. I buy things for my kids and give gifts like I'm rich when I'm not, no idea why it's not to look billy big balls - I just get carried away wanting people to be happy/like me i guess.

Are you prescribed medication? It's by no means a cure but might address lots of your issues. It's been life changing for me. Should help with binge eating, mood, anxiety, procrastination. On top of that, everything is just so much easier, all that life admin that clutters up our heads, still annoying but no longer wading through mud. The clarity is amazing.

Declutter and stream line everything in your house. Ensure everything has a home. Try to handle things only once, . Build routines for cleaning

Meals - intermittent fasting, planning ahead and not having shit in the house. Water, going to bed early.

I really, really recommend seeking professional diagnosis. It was life changing for me - in terms of giving me access to therapy and medication. You deserve the support and accommodations that come with diagnosis.

Hi There! I've turned things around in the last few years. I had lots of EMDR Therapy and was diagnosed with CPTSD. As I've progressed in healing I've managed to sort out some of the symptomatic stuff. The ADHD Symptoms rage on but I have a ton of strategies to manage. A good morning routine helps, supplements like lions mane and magnesium, exercise. I also use lists, planners and at work I try to be accountable to myself. (I did dick about today more than planned). I also emotional eat sometimes but you know what? I'm living my best life so far...it's never going to be perfect and I'm doing my best. Diet is key. Getting up at 6.30 and listening to perky life coaches. Gym twice a week and pounding the treadmills and bikes. Good luck. It's taken me about 3 years of concerted effort to arrive here and it's been slow but I definitely feel like I'm the boss of me and I'm not being hyjacked by hormones and my amygdala or cortisol anymore. Remember you don't need to regulate your emotions and moods it's the fight/flight response, cortisol, hormones that run off sugars in your body and mineral etc. that need regulating. Gut bacteria etc. that gets out of whack with stress etc. you've got this 👌👊

Re diagnosis and treatment I'm nowhere with it. Can only afford NHS and I know it will take a million years and I'll have to push and push and I just know I don't have the staying power. I'm trying to focus on urgent things like the binge eating in terms of getting help - just because that's actually making me ill and in pain right now so I have constant motivation to sort it. But trying to get a diagnosis never mind medicated? I don't have that fight in me.

Agree with @Challengemonica. Although there have been many benefits the meds have helped me deal with my impulse spending and poor financial habits. Although it’s really just the way my symptoms affect my finances, impulsivity, poor organisation, time (date) blindness.

For various reasons I had a 12 week break and what do you know the spending has in creased, lack of discipline. Ive decided for me the meds are worth it for that alone.

also had a huge impact on my mental health, I have always suffered with low mood but I’ve seen an improvement on the meds.

you will need a diagnosis to get a prescription. The irony is that getting a diagnosis takes time and persistence, two things ADHDers can’t do. Can you enlist someone to help? There are forms to fill in for you and someone who knows you. Start the process, if it’s currently taking 2 years to get a diagnosis don’t let that put you off!! Start now!!

off to google EUPD!

I believe I have ADHD as well. I could literally write your post as well and also really want to get a handle on my life this year.

1. binge eating
2. messy as hell
3. love starting new projects, but get bored with the details
4. procrastinate - impacts at work and home
5. impulse spending
6. struggle with switching off and relaxing

Not sure what the solution is, but hoping some lovely ladies can help!

But I focus on small, consistent routines and keep them as simple as possible. Like many ND women I had adapted unconsciously through my life so already living with a lot of managers strategies i guess.

I plan my work daily to make the most of when I'm most productive. I write everything down and keep a running to do list, which I prioritise as I go.

Birthdays etc - all go in my calendar and once a month I pick up all the cards etc I need for the month ahead. But friends are still used to getting things late...

Reminders on phone etc

Food - swap out unhealthy food for better alternatives

Meditation & mindfilness for stress

Impulsive spending - I save things I want to buy to wishlists instead and then when I look back at them X amount of time later I've usually changed my mind or recognised that it's not the right time to be buying them.

I remind myself more purchases = more clutter to tidy

You know how you buy loads of different notebooks, diaries, calendars, to do lists so you can plan the all new super organised you? DONT DO THAT! You’ll just have several places things are written down (that you won’t check).

Have one really good one and use it as a bible. Decide if you want a diary or a bujo type. Online ir paper? Do some research and don’t buy until you have looked in to it.

a common habit with ADHD is that you write the lists which fools your brain in to thinking it’s done! So you need a system for checking. It’s all about habits and accepting that you need to put some work in to do what everyone else seems pre disposed to do!

You may be aware of this already but the difference between just being a bit scatty etc and having ADHD is how it impacts your life on a daily basis. So, many people are forgetful, messy etc but how it impacts your life matters. It’s worth thinking about that and what your biggest challenges are etc.

@Midlifecryses interesting. I think I might be ADHD as many in my close family have been diagnosed (they are younger) and lots of people say I have traits.

What you didn't mention was the inside of the head!

I don't know about pp on here but mine is an absolute cacophony.

I have like 2 tunes, conversations on repeat, lots of "exciting" ideas, weird statements (can be negative), imaginary scenarios etc with all the accompanying emotions, going through my head the whole time.

It's not normal, but I've decided it's EXCELLENT.

https://linktr.ee/adhdchatter?utm_source=linktree_profile_share&ltsid=1947bfcd-fcb4-46ae-9155-84de839de74d

https://linktr.ee/elliemidds?utm_source=linktree_profile_share&ltsid=ee971ab4-c6f6-4572-9d99-76016b9c735c

https://linktr.ee/chrismhandadhd?utm_source=linktree_profile_share&ltsid=2290b75e-3ca0-42dd-9c29-12fffca3fc0b

https://linktr.ee/ADHD_Love?utm_source=linktree_profile_share&ltsid=cd028edc-b68f-47d6-b136-7f233b701f0a

https://linktr.ee/adhdasfemales?utm_source=linktree_profile_share&ltsid=c1a5db21-96a7-4b96-bf4f-bcc2f56e4594

https://linkin.bio/adhdadultuk?fbclid=PAAaaMIe4kaiaQEmg_3J28pRzBBiledElC65mXf7sCA_a6AxwMHrNr1SHavUg_aem_AUcLvM8zCOo5iA6tiNlut28ODH1P3mUALwppik3temjePeKW9e-j0DjHlQfM6I_6et4

here are a few links to the IG accounts, podcasts that have helped me. No need to visit the shops and buy anything. Just have a look around. It’s exciting when you realise there is a reason for the way you are but these all give good advice and tips.

1. write lists in one place and timetable in time to check those lists
2. whenever possible do things immediately, if you put it off there is a high chance you won’t go back to it
3. As PP said declutter, declutter, declutter. Done right you can get the same dopamine hit as buying something. Too much mess can lead to a paralysis so you can’t do anything. Don’t organise it, get rid of it.
4. If self care/personal care is hard for you there is no shame in having a habit tracker with the most basic things on- shower, brush teeth etc.
5. Give your self some good habits/rules, they will eventually become embedded. Eg, if you struggle with getting distracted set a goal to complete every task. So don’t go downstairs until you are showered and dressed in the morning.
6. Stop people pleasing, you are enough. You don’t need to buy people’s affection. Be kind to yourself.

You may be thinking this all sounds easy but if I could do all of those then I would. It’s hard work, it takes time, persistence and commitment. It will go wrong, you get back on it the next day.

I don’t know anything about EU but doing some of the things above to help you won’t be harmful if that ends up being your diagnosis.

good luck!!

I’m not diagnosed, but I have lots of traits of ADHD and I could have written your post twenty years ago. Here’s what works for me (some of the time, because we’ll never achieve a perfect routine):

1. Exercise lifts my mood and regulates my appetite. I go through exercise phases - almost everything is phases actually.
2. Exercise helps with emotional volatility too. So does calming or structured music (I like Mozart). And tea: I can drink a lot of caffeine.
3. Procrastination is part of the process. I can procrastinate for days and then the hyperfocus kicks in and I get everything done in time. Resist the guilt in the procrastination phase and accept that it is what it is. (Obviously this doesn’t apply to every job, so if you’re a surgeon or a teacher you need a different approach.) Allow yourself to procrastinate. Trust yourself to snap into hyperfocus at exactly the right moment.
4. I remember things by using lists and timers/alerts. Sometimes the lists get too long and I start avoiding them. So I just start a new list, with the same stuff on it, as it occurs to me. I still forget some things but I remember more than I used to.
5. Sorry, I can’t be much help with the money thing. It’s a nightmare. I did try using cash instead of my bank card for a while, but I kept losing it. However, it did feel more ‘real’ than using a card.

I will never solve all these things ‘properly’. But I’ve accepted that I’ll always be something of a work in progress, and that’s ok. I think a really important aspect of making life better is leaving the guilt behind. No one else is perfect, so why should you or I be? Or, as my therapist used to say, good enough is good enough.

And also: you’re still young. Go for the assessment. As other posters have pointed out, it can make a big difference.

I trained to be a therapist which meant I had to be in my own therapy for 5 years. This really helped me to work on my self esteem and forgive myself for not functioning the same way others do. Being a therapist I realise that no one really functions. Having 3 kids in 3 years kind of blew things out of the water for my symptoms. But my husband is over 50/50 in terms of household/cooking/kids despite being the main earner - that helps.
I now work 10 hours a week in a job I love. I couldn’t function if I worked 40 hour weeks.

@Allwelcone oh yes the inside of our heads is…interesting. I always tell people it’s like the meme about women having 200 browser tabs open but for me they are all active, I’m listening and interacting with them all at the same time!! I also have a really amazing imagination. I create scenarios etc that kind if evolve and carry on. I think there is a name for it.

but I find with external stimuli I like the comfort of what I know. I don’t have the brain space for anything new. So I listen to the same audio books on a loop, watch the same series on TV.

I had some ADHD coaching and he advised to not feel bad about doom scrolling and over thinking. Time table it in, go with it and then stop. Not tried that yet though!!

You have to have self compassion and pat yourself on the back for the smallest thing. Create rewards.
Made the kids dinner from scratch, have a glass of wine. Cleaned the bathroom for the first time in 3 weeks, have a glass of wine. survived 2 year olds meltdown, have a glass of wine.

Following

@Challengemonica how are you handling the shortage I was diagnosed last year after much of what OP has described above all my life, however now the clinic won’t prescribe until the supply chain improves. I have felt very down about as I finally thought I was getting somewhere.

Yes! That's my head!

You may be aware of this already but the difference between just being a bit scatty etc and having ADHD is how it impacts your life on a daily basis.

I'm trying to get my head around ADHA as my son thinks he has it. Could you please explain this to me a bit more?

I have many habits that I stick to rigidly, because if I don't then everything falls apart (work not finished in time, no food in the house so end up eating rubbish, late for appointments/friends).

Does this mean I could have once had ADHD, but since I've perfected routines to make my life run pretty smoothly (most of the time!), that I now wouldn't be considered to have it? Or is the implication that someone with ADHD will never be able to stick to routines that would make their life easier, so their daily lives will always be negatively impacted?

Adhd, medicated, late 30s 3 disabled children, had to leave work during pandemic due to child's needs still can't get my shit together! So living my best life not even nearly lol I actually think I'm in survival mode most days

No idea if this thread would be of any help to you OP.

If you have ADHD* what techniques helped you sort your life out? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4973604-if-you-have-adhd-what-techniques-helped-you-sort-your-life-out

Following! The replies about diagnosis, medication and therapy give me so much hope for the future - it is so hard being in waiting list purgatory though.

I have a job with constant deadlines. This helps. It's also a job where everyday teeters on the edge of chaos.

I write EVERYTHING down. The fact most of it is on post it notes or envelopes is by the by.
After 20 years of stressing over the job and 40 odd years of feeling inadequate, I accept the way I am.

Binge eating- hmm. I've always had a sweet tooth, but currently staying slim and not eating the sugar is what's giving me the buzz. It's a little victory all the time.

There is always music on. In the house; in the car; on walks.

I let my mind go where it wants. I accept I will rarely see a thought through to its conclusion. I give myself permission to procrastinate, because I now know that I will have a mad burst of energy that gets everything done- but without wasting time worrying about it.

I embrace my anger; although I tend to run it off these days. Running has changed my life. Feeling stressed? Go for a run. Agitated for no good reason? Go for a run. Can't focus? Go for a run. You'll be knackered enough to settle when you get in.

I wish and I wish and I wish I had had these answers in my 20s.

My kids deal with it. Mainly cos dh is the polar opposite of me and, when I'm feeling generous and had a wine and am hormonal, is pretty amazing with me.