Women with inattentive ADHD who are living their best lives - how do you do it??

[herewegoroundthebastardbush]

I suspect I have ADHD as it explains a lot about me (so does EUPD but I'm struggling to find much useful about that - but hey anyone with EUPD living their best life, I'd be very interested to hear from you too!)

I am a procrastinating, forgetful, binge-eating, rejection-sensitive, occasionally irrationally angry mess. I feel like my life needs a total 100% overhaul but I'm right in the middle of a lot of things (my kids' childhoods basically). So a lot of things I'd like to change I can't (living situation, job).

I am struggling particularly with the following:

(1) binge eating. I am seeking support for this with the NHS but the waiting list is loooong.

(2) emotional volatility. Very up sometimes but also and more often very down.

(3) my job. I love my colleagues, theoretically I love my work. But I constantly procrastinate, back to work two days this week and I did almost fuck all really. My work isn't clear or important enough for people to really notice so I can. But I'm actually quite moral and I am constantly guilty and anxious for wasting their money by wasting their time.

If you have ADHD and kids and are living a happy life, please tell me what that looks like. What kind of job do you have, how do you keep things going, how do you maintain your equilibrium?

Diary/planner
spreadsheets for finances
write everything down, post it notes are good as I am less likely to lose them.

I went on a spa day with a friend recently. She had a lovely time, just relaxing. All I could think about was more useful things that I could be doing. I ended up doing lengths of the pool like a mad thing, because I couldn’t just sit still or lie down. She won’t go with me again.

Following

You're not under pressure enough in your job, we work incredibly to deadlines, but not when we are allowed to just take the piss. I went from the bottom of my team to the top by taking pride in my work, smashing jobs, standing out and winning awards for turning things around. Because I kept asking for more as I needed the pressure. Declutter, get rid of doom piles. Organise your life, you'll thank yourself.

table that is just for my reminders - I need to see things to remember them so leaving the car key on the table reminds me I need to get petrol, or clean the car. A bill reminds me it need to be paid, a receipt reminds me an item needs to be returned . If they're not visible/on the table then I'll forget they need done

Oh God this would be so useful for me 🤣 I leave things lying out not because I'm super messy but because while they're "live" I need them there to remind me to do something with them!! But my DP is a total neat freak and can't stand clutter - puts ALL the kids toys away at the end of every night and several times over the day sort of thing - so he "puts away" the things I've left on the kitchen table to remind me I need to take them with me / deal with them, and they IMMEDIATELY CEASE TO EXIST. Argh. If I had my own "space" for this that was designated as such maybe he could leave me alone, or even help me by putting things there I need to "see".

This, and the other descriptions of noisy brain here, totally resonate. I fully struggled to believe my DH when he said he isn't thinking about much sometimes. I am ALWAYS thinking about much. Except when eating. Then I can turn the noise off a bit. a lot of the time I don't really know what I'm thinking because it's about 4 things at once and it's hard to pick a thread, it's like having 6 TVs and 4 radios on all the time.

God that sounds like bliss. How do you engineer that??? COVID and the years after where my DP WFH were HELL for me - I was literally never alone!!!! Never ever felt "off duty", for almost three years! Now he goes to office 3 days a week and I can sometimes be in an empty house I'm much better. But work suffers because I get very little done on WFH days.

Yes, me too. I have all of this, I don’t think I have ADHD though 🤔

OP I could've written this post myself. Everything you've said is me. I'm convinced I have ADHD and numerous people Ive worked with have also said they think I have it. There's bits of it that have and are destroying my life.

For those who went for a diagnosis via the nhs (I can't afford private) how was that first appointment with the GP to ask for referral?

I've been putting it off for a long time as I'm nervous. Im convinced they will fob me off. I feel like I need the diagnosis to give me options for medication or therapy and also my DH is one of the sceptical people who doubt ADHD. I've showed him symptoms and he agrees that I display alot (pretty much all) of them but says I'm obsessed with adhd at the moment and using it as an excuse for things like constantly interrupting him and it's just rude not adhd. I genuinely do go through conversations arguing with myself in my head about keeping quiet so not to interrupt people but I focus so hard on knowing when right time to speak is, that I zone out and don't listen. When I interrupt it's because I think if I don't say it there and then I'll forget what I'll say and also because it's me joining conversation and I think the other person has finishes what they're saying and it's time for me to speak but reality is, they just had a pause between sentences or something. It's got worse since I've been menopausal too. Apparently adhd symptoms can worsen with menopause.

I was diagnosed in March 2023 and on meds from May 2023 - I love them, I never want to be without them again! I feel so much more relaxed and even tempered. It feels like someone turned down the noise in my head and I can concentrate.

I have both inattentive and hyperactive ADHD, work as a teaching assistant (very busy, never the same day twice, love it) and am married with 5 children (only younger 3 at home).

I use phone alarms, a tray in the hallway for my medication, keys, glasses etc, planned meals and set routines for exercise etc. I’m not often late because I hate it but I’m a terrible procrastinator, I’m currently studying with OU and did my last assignment 24 hours before the extension due date - hyperfocus does the job but, in my case, it’s wildly unpredictable and I can’t rely on it just kicking in because sometimes it doesn’t!

I’m an impulsive eater so, as soon as my meds wear off, I have to keep busy/distracted or I will eat everything I come across.

There are obviously downsides to ADHD, debt up to my ears is one that springs to mind, but I love most of my quirks and I’m learning to not be so frustrated with the others!

I wonder if some signs of adhd become more difficult to deal with as we age. Or it could be that life throws more on your plate as you get older.
Friend said, psychiatrist said, that a significant proportion of general population will have traits of conditions such as ADHD, but not meet threshold for diagnosis.

• *I'm not sure that is the theory now.

I have a paper diary that acts as a bujo. Lists for each part of my job on a daily basis and then house lists.

We have a food plan for 4 weeks, each meal allocated to either DH or I and the online shop is on a set day so we always have everything in at the right time. I've also batch cooked for lazy days.

What I really really struggle with is the social element. I talk too much, I interrupt and talk about me me me. I over share personal things at work. I can hear myself do it but really struggle to stop. I stole my dc's fidget toy which helps in online meetings but face to face is awful, I just spill information at someone like a volcano.

I use

Notes app on my phone for lists
Set alarm for reminder - so at 5 pm I have a shopping list the alarm reminds me to go to the shop!
Banking - I check my account daily - out of habit I’ve saved £££ doing this as I forget what I’ve spent.
I also don’t spend the week after payday - so I technically save money.

You’ve been given some good tips - wrote them down and start one at a time.

These are good habits to get into

@Ostagazuzulum I genuinely do go through conversations arguing with myself in my head about keeping quiet so not to interrupt people but I focus so hard on knowing when right time to speak is, that I zone out and don't listen. When I interrupt it's because I think if I don't say it there and then I'll forget what I'll say and also because it's me joining conversation and I think the other person has finishes what they're saying and it's time for me to speak but reality is, they just had a pause between sentences or something. It's got worse since I've been menopausal too. Apparently adhd symptoms can worsen with menopause.

This was me before I went for a diagnosis. I found lots of online tests for ADHD that I could print out, then I wrote a few sentences with an example for each question I had scored highly on. I used Psychiatry UK under right to choose so I filled in their form too and took the whole lot to my appt with the GP. She was slightly dismissive but agreed it looked like I might have it (her view was that if I had managed this long, what was the point? I was 49) so sent the referral. It took around a year at that point and I was diagnosed after several more forms and an appointment at the age of 50.

Good morning! I have adhd and I am medicated.

I have young children and I don't work at the moment, although I've been beating myself up about being a failure professionally as I don't have a career, and feel successful grown ups do.. 😅 I've since realised that with my limitations I'd be best suited to something like a supermarket part time, and although it's not the glam image I wanted to project I think it'll suit me well.

I am addicted to my phone as my means to procrastinate at the moment, I'm in a bit of a slump since the overwhelm of Christmas, on a bit of a come down if you will. So I'm just going easy on myself, accepting this won't last forever and taking it easy.

I only do housework and house jobs when I get the urge, as I can't force myself to do it as I will get too distracted. When I do get the need to, it has to be now and takes over everything else.

If I need to do something it is all consuming so I can't relax until it is done. Life admin is a struggle because it's so boring, I always feel accomplished when I've sorted it though!

In answer to your post, how am I living my best life?

I'm honest with myself and others about my limitations.

I'm making a real conscious effort to not compare my success to others, I am a successful wife and mother. I'm a good friend.

I rest when I need to, sometimes all day.

Medication has made me happier and more content. I'm more patient. My self worth has improved. I also have more physical energy which is great. And sleep, oh my word! I've never slept well, I've always had horrible and intrusive dreams, stuck in REM with little rested sleep. Now my sleep is much improved! And my intrusive thoughts and guilt from my past isn't so bad.

Diagnosis and medication has truly saved my life.

Posting to come back to this as this is also me to a tea. I got forms from my Dr about adhd and asd a year ago.... that I haven't done as worried about getting right.

I need to read this alp tonight. I waste so much time scrolling (getting an information "hit") instead of getting stuff doen.

My career is crap (posted on the life isn't where you wanted it to be amd so many people are nd on there...)

How have you managed to maintain a meal plan and batch cooking? I intend to do this, but naturally fail. I need more organisation around feeding my family, as it's one of my big struggles. Everyone eats different things too. Sometimes the kids just have a toastie and I go to bed feeling like a failure! Or my son will ask at 8.30 when supper is, and I've obviously forgotten and tell him to make cereal. It causes massive mum guilt and stress.

Ah yes sleep. Binge eating...I'm now morbidly obese.

I feel like life is really quite shit at 45. I desperately wanted to be a mum and now they've left primary my role has changed. And we are struggling financially without a good wage so I've failed there....

@Ostagazuzulum I'm sorry to hear that your husband is one of those people 'who doubt ADHD' it's very damaging for those of us who have it. Nobody doubts Diabetes exists, or High Blood Pressure.

Anyway, what you describe sounds very like me and I have Autism and ADHD (especially the interrupting and having to say it in case you forget) And yes, Menopause amplifies Neurodiversity. We manage sometimes for years, then health or hormone issues kick in, and we can't manage as well any more.

My GP was brilliant when I went. I was so relieved as I was expecting to be told to go away. I think one of the reasons we think this is precisely because I'd been minimising it, others had been minimising it and you have this constant doubt.

Make a list of main points, and get that GP appointment made. Honestly, your brain will thank you for it, because I know myself that feeling of thinking I'm going mad / questioning myself (or worse still, constantly having someone else questioning me and thinking I'm making excuses) It's so damaging.

Worth noting, that if you live in England, the Right to choose pathway on the NHS means your assessment can be outsourced to the likes of Psychiatry UK (there are other providers, but that's who diagnosed me) meaning assessment can take place within months not years. This is happening to try and get the waiting lists down.

One final thing (sorry) your husband says you're obsessing about it. My mother used to say the same to me. 'Obsessing' in this way is natural, because your questioning something. Obsessing (or hyperfocussing) is also a big part of ADHD.

Getting an information hit, that's a dopamine hit and hyper focus isn't it! I'm the same, get an interest and go into a complete rabbit hole, then get bored and never revisit it again.

In terms of getting forms right, just force yourself to do them, today! There is no wrong of right, just be honest and you'll be fine. You deserve this!

You're not a Failure!

@RainbowZebraWarrior my go was brilliant too. My friend however, hasn't had such luck. The gp is fobbing her off with depression, and mimicking her daughter's symptoms (as she's pushing for assessment for her too). Added is hereditary and she's had symptom since childhood. Do you know what I can tell her to empower her at the gp when she goes to see a different doctor?

DH and I sit down every school term and write out 20+ meals that are acceptable. Sounds like a lot but actually when you get going it's doable.

Each week starts on a Sunday with something that can be re-used twice in the week. So week 1, Sunday = roast chicken. So on Tuesday and weds we have chicken curry and risotto with the leftovers. Mondays and Thursdays are always batched cooked meals as DH and I have hectic schedules on those days.
We have a list of stodgy batched cook meals (spag bol, chilli, curry, cottage pie etc.) So this comes from the freezer. I knock up one meal at the weekend to ensure this is replaced each week. Fridays are swimming nights so we try to have something easy and warm (jacket potato/bangers and mash) and on Saturdays we try to try a new meal as we have more time. If the new meal is a success it gets added into rotation.

we always have a freezer of beige food for those days it goes to pot. But it has dramatically reduced our takeaways and our shopping costs.

Each day the meal is allocated to DH or me so no fighting about what we are having/who is cooking.

Online shopping comes on Thursday night so we have the freshest food for the weekend including the new meal on Saturdays and roast/big family meal on the Sunday.

Timetree app - find it visually helpful unlike other digital calendars. The second an appointment pops up, i put it in. Can see the whole month at a glance so i can see how far away things are in time and consider how much else i have on before i say yes to things. If a week looks 'busy' with an activity or three every day i know to tone it down!

Monzo banking - can set up 'pots' and payments from them. It can even automatically assign money into pots as your salary comes in. Whatever's left after all my bills and specific savings pots are assigned i will give myself a reasonable spends budget for 'stuff' and anything spare goes as general savings/invested. I have a christmas fund and car fund for those big annual bills as its a bit thick to think that can come out of that months paycheque unless you're a v high earner!

I try to stay away from credit cards and overdrafts. I've got one CC for significant purchases and get loans for cars etc as thats much more structured than a card. Do not put general shite on the credit card, theres a dedicated cash budget for that, remember!? Wait for payday.

Wishlists on amazon - dont buy, fill up your wishlists and make yourself sleep on it, or even wait a week. Usually i find i've moved on in a week :p

Work and binge eating are still tough for me. As I climb higher though it gets a lot easier to delegate out the kind of maintenance/detail work to those who love it. But, i may have just got a job in my special interest and will be allowed to drill into the details i love on that to my heart's content!

Dont know if anyone else is like it but i have a large, lifelong special interest thats always there, then several medium sized interest i cruise around periodically like a carousel, and then might pick up and drop new interests very quickly.

A serotonin supplement has worked wonders to relax me, as i get older the anxiety of it all is getting unbearable and general 'mindfulness' wasnt cutting it anymore.

@Dynamoat that sounds completely doable. This is a constant sore spot in our house. We spend so much on groceries, and takeaways. Thank you for sharing

I don’t have kids but apart from that I could have written that post! Following for any and all tips. Hugs.