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AIBU?

Daughter only in contact when needs something (usually money)

79 replies

Stratophoric · 03/01/2024 14:43

We have been there for my 23 year old daughter through thick and thin. She lives alone in a lovely house but can’t afford the rent and has had six lodgers, all of who she has fallen out with and got rid of, leaving her short of money meaning me and her dad have to step in. There's always a drama of some sort out which is presented for me to sort out.

We’ve supported her through her career change training in the last couple of years which to be fair she has done well in, though it’s not well paid and her expenses are high. We haven’t minded but have helped with sourcing and buying a car, fuel; repairs, insurance etc, a new phone when the old one broke, bills etc.

There’s always a crisis but then we see her updates on Insta with parties, cocktails, nights out etc but if we point this out she claims never to have to pay for herself which surely can’t be true.

She will party hard for days, arriving home at 8am, then later that day appear at our house hungry and claiming to be depressed. When we point out that the depression was highly like due to her lifestyle, she claims she has to have that lifestyle because she is depressed. Are we being taken for a ride here?

She never pops round to see how me and her father and younger sister are, or spends time with us other than with an ulterior motive. She promises to come over then doesn’t turn up and we call her only to find out she’s out for lunch in town with friends. It’s absolutely so rude and disrespectful.

We won’t hear from her for days, all messages ignored, calls go unreturned etc and I start to really worry, only to suddenly get a message asking for money.

Have calculated she’s had over £16k in family in the form of loans (never paid back), gifts, fuel, bills paid etc in the last year alone, on top of her earnings.

She can be considerate, charming and so sweet sometimes but this is getting less and less. It doesn't help that she's so beautiful that people are charmed by her looks.

She could downsize to a more affordable shared house but doesn’t want to do this. Also doesn’t want to rent out spare room because she doesn’t want to live with strangers.

I do love her dearly but this is now affecting me negatively and causing arguments between me and my husband.

Am I being unreasonable to completely stop all help, despite her protestations that she is ‘depressed and suicidal’. I’m tired of being used and treated like this.
 

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

424 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
3%
You are NOT being unreasonable
97%
snackatack · 03/01/2024 14:45

You are enabling her behaviour.

Give her fair warning the support will stop - and stick with it.

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 03/01/2024 14:47

snackatack · 03/01/2024 14:45

You are enabling her behaviour.

Give her fair warning the support will stop - and stick with it.

Yep. From April we will no longer be able to financially help you out.

ohdamnitjanet · 03/01/2024 14:48

Sorry @Stratophoric I know it’s tough, but time to stop funding her. She is incredibly entitled and taking you for an absolute mug. Your other dd will really resent you if you don’t do the same for her when she leaves home. Don’t give her another penny.

Ewoklady · 03/01/2024 14:48

She’s using you and you know that too.
I don’t know what to say other than he frank about it and put up boundaries

Ronettesz · 03/01/2024 14:51

Time is up for the bank of mum and dad. She is an adult. Stop enabling her.

Riverlee · 03/01/2024 14:51

I agree with @snackatack . She’s got the bank of mum and dad to rely on.

Next time she comes asking (demanding) money, offer her practical advice, such as a lodger, downsizing, evening job etc. If she says she’s depressed, advise her to go to the gp.

ConsuelaHammock · 03/01/2024 14:55

She thinks she’s a princess! Stop treating her like one. A 23 year old can house share like most 23 year olds!!

BMW6 · 03/01/2024 14:59

You are another who is absolutely failing your child.

Of course she's taking the piss. You are enabling her toddler behaviour.

Tell her no more bailouts and the amounts you have lent should be repaid. Donate to a real Charity if you don't actually need it, but DO make her repay.

By all means offer advice, but no more cash.

SapphOhNo · 03/01/2024 15:03

You're perpetuating the cycle.

She needs to learn to stand on her own. The "sweetness" you say she has sounds like a means to an end and she's manipulating you with the talk of depression.

ThreeRingCircus · 03/01/2024 15:05

Riverlee · 03/01/2024 14:51

I agree with @snackatack . She’s got the bank of mum and dad to rely on.

Next time she comes asking (demanding) money, offer her practical advice, such as a lodger, downsizing, evening job etc. If she says she’s depressed, advise her to go to the gp.

I also agree. You're enabling this by giving her money which needs to stop. She's an adult and needs to make her own choices. She'll never learn to live within her means if you keep enabling her by giving her money.

Just tell her that from X date you cannot help her with any more money. You will help her with advice and be there to support her but can't keep giving financial handouts.

Your younger daughter will expect the same if she sees you bailing out her sister and it's a recipe for resentment.

Bearpawk · 03/01/2024 15:05

Stop feeding into it.
No more money, no more gifts, stop cooking for her when she comes around until she stops treating you like shit,

PlacidPenelope · 03/01/2024 15:06

Are you planning on being fair and giving your younger child £16k?

Stop babying a 23 year old, let her stand on her own two feet and learn financial responsibility which she never will if you keep bailing her out and not setting any criteria for doing so. Make the £16k a loan, formalise it and have consequences for if she fails to pay it back, if you are going to just let her have it then in fairness you need to do the same for your other daughter.

Yes we all want to help our children financially and will do so but if you don't teach them responsibility alongside the help nothing will change and the amounts will just get bigger and bigger and bigger.

BeaRF75 · 03/01/2024 15:09

FFS, just stop giving her money! She is an adult, she can support herself, and you are being taken for a fool, OP.

SEG152 · 03/01/2024 15:10

to put it bluntly, you have enabled her.

she lives this way because you allow it and fund it.

tell her she needs to either allow lodgers to pay the extra she needs or she downsizes.

be blunt and tell her if she can afford to go out partying for days she can afford her own fuel etc.

the only way this changes is if YOU change.

stomachameleon · 03/01/2024 15:12

Have read through the reply's and agree I am afraid. I suspect you know all this though and that's why you have posted.
New year. New you.
'I am sorry that won't be possible but feel free to pop in and we can chat about your options'
And repeat.
Will husband be on same page?

BreadInCaptivity · 03/01/2024 15:19

Only you and your DH can change this dynamic by stopping funding her.

I'd also be mindful of what expectations you are setting for your younger child. Will she also be devoid of any self ambition/resilience because she will expect to be funded in the same way.

Your DD is taking the piss but you are letting her do so without any consequences.

diddl · 03/01/2024 15:20

So she can't afford her lifestyle?

I mean bloody hell she's renting a house???

My PFB was looking at studio flats when they were first thinking of moving out!

gamerchick · 03/01/2024 15:23

Of course she's taking the piss, you're letting her. Time to cut the cord and let her grow up.

caringcarer · 03/01/2024 15:27

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 03/01/2024 14:47

Yep. From April we will no longer be able to financially help you out.

From tomorrow we will not be able to help you out financially. It's not fair on her younger sister you giving her all this financial aid.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 03/01/2024 15:33

Been there done this, in our case drug use was involved (revealed decades later, not suspected at the time). Cocaine

user1492757084 · 03/01/2024 15:40

Take a step back. You are enabling her behaviour and stunting her journey to independent adult status.

Give her fair warning that you are cutting the apron strings.
Three months - no more financial help.
Make her an appointment with an accountant about her financial situation and budgeting. Some charities offer this service. They will teach her simple banking record keeping in a book.

Make her an appointment with her GP for a medical check re the depression and compile a list of useful contacts to help her. The GP might suggest that she needs more sleep, vitamins and exercise.

Tell your daughter that she can always come to visit, phone you, come for lunch etc but there will be no more financial assistance. Stick to your guns. If she cries depression phone the professional counseller or mental health line.

You are not trained in mental health and you are not a bank.

cruisebaba1 · 03/01/2024 15:50

Stratophoric · 03/01/2024 14:43

We have been there for my 23 year old daughter through thick and thin. She lives alone in a lovely house but can’t afford the rent and has had six lodgers, all of who she has fallen out with and got rid of, leaving her short of money meaning me and her dad have to step in. There's always a drama of some sort out which is presented for me to sort out.

We’ve supported her through her career change training in the last couple of years which to be fair she has done well in, though it’s not well paid and her expenses are high. We haven’t minded but have helped with sourcing and buying a car, fuel; repairs, insurance etc, a new phone when the old one broke, bills etc.

There’s always a crisis but then we see her updates on Insta with parties, cocktails, nights out etc but if we point this out she claims never to have to pay for herself which surely can’t be true.

She will party hard for days, arriving home at 8am, then later that day appear at our house hungry and claiming to be depressed. When we point out that the depression was highly like due to her lifestyle, she claims she has to have that lifestyle because she is depressed. Are we being taken for a ride here?

She never pops round to see how me and her father and younger sister are, or spends time with us other than with an ulterior motive. She promises to come over then doesn’t turn up and we call her only to find out she’s out for lunch in town with friends. It’s absolutely so rude and disrespectful.

We won’t hear from her for days, all messages ignored, calls go unreturned etc and I start to really worry, only to suddenly get a message asking for money.

Have calculated she’s had over £16k in family in the form of loans (never paid back), gifts, fuel, bills paid etc in the last year alone, on top of her earnings.

She can be considerate, charming and so sweet sometimes but this is getting less and less. It doesn't help that she's so beautiful that people are charmed by her looks.

She could downsize to a more affordable shared house but doesn’t want to do this. Also doesn’t want to rent out spare room because she doesn’t want to live with strangers.

I do love her dearly but this is now affecting me negatively and causing arguments between me and my husband.

Am I being unreasonable to completely stop all help, despite her protestations that she is ‘depressed and suicidal’. I’m tired of being used and treated like this.
 

It seems that she wants you to run her life. She needs a wake up call by you withdrawing any financial help, and pointing out she has had £16k already. She’s spinning you a story every time. Good luck

Bigcat25 · 03/01/2024 15:53

We used to have a financial coach on TV Gail Vaz Oxlade. Some of her shows are on YouTube, called Princess and Till Debt do us part. You might find it helpful to watch them, or have her watch if she's willing. She teaches people to budget, plan ahead, meal prep, and to stop the enabling.

Klcak · 03/01/2024 16:00

Do you have £16k a year to give away? As this will not stop, and may even escalate.

Is she renting? If so she really does urgently need to move to a property that she can afford. It seems mad to rent a property that's much bigger than needed - she isn't ever going to own it so the excess rent money she's paying for space she doesn't need is literally straight down the toilet. Fine to pay rent for space she needs/uses.

Different if it's mortgaged, in that case I would offer support with the mortgage if I had the money.

Alternatively, you can agree that you are willing to help her financially where necessary, but not more than, let's say £5k per year.

MermaidEyes · 03/01/2024 16:00

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 03/01/2024 15:33

Been there done this, in our case drug use was involved (revealed decades later, not suspected at the time). Cocaine

That was honestly my first thought reading about the lack of money, party lifestyle and the 'depression' ( or cocaine comedown...)

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