Daughter only in contact when needs something (usually money)

[Stratophoric]

We have been there for my 23 year old daughter through thick and thin. She lives alone in a lovely house but can’t afford the rent and has had six lodgers, all of who she has fallen out with and got rid of, leaving her short of money meaning me and her dad have to step in. There's always a drama of some sort out which is presented for me to sort out.

We’ve supported her through her career change training in the last couple of years which to be fair she has done well in, though it’s not well paid and her expenses are high. We haven’t minded but have helped with sourcing and buying a car, fuel; repairs, insurance etc, a new phone when the old one broke, bills etc.

There’s always a crisis but then we see her updates on Insta with parties, cocktails, nights out etc but if we point this out she claims never to have to pay for herself which surely can’t be true.

She will party hard for days, arriving home at 8am, then later that day appear at our house hungry and claiming to be depressed. When we point out that the depression was highly like due to her lifestyle, she claims she has to have that lifestyle because she is depressed. Are we being taken for a ride here?

She never pops round to see how me and her father and younger sister are, or spends time with us other than with an ulterior motive. She promises to come over then doesn’t turn up and we call her only to find out she’s out for lunch in town with friends. It’s absolutely so rude and disrespectful.

We won’t hear from her for days, all messages ignored, calls go unreturned etc and I start to really worry, only to suddenly get a message asking for money.

Have calculated she’s had over £16k in family in the form of loans (never paid back), gifts, fuel, bills paid etc in the last year alone, on top of her earnings.

She can be considerate, charming and so sweet sometimes but this is getting less and less. It doesn't help that she's so beautiful that people are charmed by her looks.

She could downsize to a more affordable shared house but doesn’t want to do this. Also doesn’t want to rent out spare room because she doesn’t want to live with strangers.

I do love her dearly but this is now affecting me negatively and causing arguments between me and my husband.

Am I being unreasonable to completely stop all help, despite her protestations that she is ‘depressed and suicidal’. I’m tired of being used and treated like this.

I despair sometimes, how do parents get in a situation where they hand over 16k to their 23 year old?
I had my first child at that age, along with a full time job and a property I could afford to run (with my husband)
My parents gave me nothing, she needs to grow up. She may be beautiful on the outside but it looks like she isn't quite so attractive on the inside.

You've given her £16,000 in one year alone?!

That's mental!

You've gone above and beyond and she think you are a cash cow.

Don't giver her another penny. When she asks why, tell her.

Hi OP I have been in this position. Hard as it is to hear most of the posters here are right. In my case I did enable some very poor behaviour by my DS. Lots of cash was sucked out and however much he got he still wanted more. For your own sanity you need to set some boundaries. In my case it has damaged the relationship with DS, but this was in any case coming. I hope I can recover it, but I know now that this will not be helped by continuing to cave in and hand over money. All that finished up doing was making us both feel small and stupid.

Yep
She's using coke.

I think I would give her the next amount she asks for with the expressed condition that if she asks again she already knows the answer will be no so she shouldn’t bother. When she does ask just keep saying you have already told her the answer is no. Demanding people are difficult and tiresome.

She never pops round to see how me and her father and younger sister are, or spends time with us other than with an ulterior motive. She promises to come over then doesn’t turn up and we call her only to find out she’s out for lunch in town with friends

So you're not good enough for her to visit
You're not important enough to honour her promises , she;ll blow you out and have lunch with friends .

But happy enough to take your money over and over . Eat your food . And make you be her sounding board to whinge at .

Get your steel backbone inserted and tell her , it STOPS . .

Tbf people have also suggested she is ND and both would be suggested if this was a boy too.

I don't see people saying she should be treated with kid gloves, though maybe I've missed that...

Usually the simplest explanation is the correct.

Yes, she may be using drugs or have an undiagnosed MH issue but the most likely scenario is that she's been doted on her entire life and has a high sense of entitlement enabled by parents who've pulled her out of every hole she's dug for herself - regardless of how she treats them.

If my child suggested they needed nights out re: depression I'd be quick to point out no GP ever put passion fruit martinis or margaritas on a prescription nor would I subsidise rent when they have been through a string of 6 people sub-letting the spare room (and pissed them off) because they want to live in a property they can't afford.

There is a reason why this person behaves as they do towards their parents - it's because they are allowed to.

I note the OP hasn't come back. Maybe the truth hurts?

This is a situation years in the making and I bet she's had her parents over a barrel for much or her life - give me what I want or I'll scream until I make myself sick type (if so I'll bet it's not drugs/MH just learned fecklessness and selfish behaviour).

Having a family member who had a clinical diagnosis of depression and anxiety (now fortunately well) I'm bloody sick of every shitty behaviour being linked MH problems and some people using it as a stick to beat other people with and get away with appalling actions.

Sometimes people are just rotten.

Yeah as above. And we did (and still do to a lesser extent) do this for DS. £3k on fucking dentistry - needed as an emergency and no NHS. And 5k for legal fees. Also very much needed. But both kind of self inflicted. First by never going for check ups. Second by pissing off his employers one time too many. It has to stop, but how do you let someone suffer in pain or be unfairly dismissed? But each drama is self created.

Another vote for coke.

Just to repeat what PP have said, you need to cut her off. I'd advise giving her notice (and basing it off how quickly she could downsize accommodations). Good luck, OP! Sometimes you need to be tough to be kind.

All the time you pick up the slack your DD will never change, why be a responsible adult when your parents will pick up the pieces every time? Time for the bank of Mum and Dad to close down- if it was a genuine emergency that's different- but she's playing you like a fish Op. Sadly you may find if you toughen up that she doesn't contact you anymore but that will only prove she was using you. She's your DC and she's supposed to love you too, if it's only your money she cares for then better you should know the truth

Tell her the bank of Mum and Dad is closed! Whatever she is doing with the money, she needs to take responsibility for her life and whilst she can run back home she is unlikely to change.

I think you sit them down (before the next inevitable "crisis") and tell them that you are done bailing them out of situations of their own making.

They have a responsibility to look after their own health and behave appropriately in the workplace and going forward they need to be mindful that self inflicted feck ups won't meet the "emergency help" threshold.

I'd also add that parents of adult children should be (and DH and I certainly are) planning for our retirement and are throwing money at pensions/investments so that we don't have any dependency on our children (or anyone else) financially in the future.

We are not going to compromise that by throwing thousands at situations of their own feckless creation.

Of course we'd help out in a genuine crisis (and do so in a heartbeat) but we also expect a significant degree of self resilience and maturity on their part to avoid such circumstances.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment and offer advice, it's hugely appreciated.
I agree I have been way too soft and enabled this behaviour though her manipulative skills have out-manoevered me many times despite my determination to be tough.
My husband tends to be the same as me, probably even softer which doesn't help, and no, we certainly cannot afford that money so have sacrificed things in order to give it, making us even stupider.
As a result of the comments I have resolved to draw a line and will no longer be a living ATM. This evening I have deleted her from all bank accounts as a payee, so don't have her bank details to transfer should she request, recognising this is the first step to ensuring she grows up and realises she needs to get her priorities straight.
I don't think she's on coke as I've seen no evidence of this but think it's just general unrealistic expenses and a hedonistic lifestyle that has to stop.
Thanks again everyone.

She’s not coping with life and she’s getting worse not better with your help. She needs to live within her means and sell the house. Sorry but you are enabling her and her lifestyle sounds destructive.

She will party hard for days, arriving home at 8am

This plus being constantly skint and in debt, plus instable mood is your evidence of cocaine use.

I'm glad you've deleted her bank details and seen she is taking advantage
Time for tough love
I have 3 in their 20's!

@Stratophoric well done. It's bloody hard to say no.

Haven't read the post or the thread but the title of the thread made me think I'm the daughter 20 years ago lol. Help her if you can!

Thehardestthingaboutwritinganoveliswritingit sell the house? If only! It's rented.

You need to cut her off financially but as previous poster has said, offer advice instead.

My sibling was and is still at 40, like this.

An emotional and financial drain that has been totally overwhelming for us for years.

It just never, ever seems to end.

They always want something. Always.

I would agree.

also she’s taking you and your husband for mugs. The total lack of care is gobsmaking.

she has a job and she has to love within her means.

id be inclined to invoice her!

It's a great first step OP but I think it's not enough.

You are planning on not having her bank details as a reason not to "help" her.

That's not the reason and quite frankly what are you planning to say when she says "here is my account number and sort code"?

You need to sit down with your DH firstly and both agree some boundaries and ground rules.

Then you need to tell your DD what they are. Be blunt. Be very clear. Make the point that non repayment of £16k of loans is theft. Yes, theft.

She needs to live a life she can afford. You will provide guidance and emotional support but no more money. None. Not a penny more.

So if she wants to live where she does, then she needs a lodger and learn to live them because they are helping fund her home.

As per my pp if she's depressed then visit a GP and not a cocktail bar.

She won't be happy and will probably say some awful things. Be prepared for that, but remember it's fundamentally a delayed toddler tantrum (in extremis) that you've been trying to avoid and are going to get now in spades.

She will then vary between cutting you off and calling in massive distress.

You and your DH will need to be united in your response to this.

The same mantra "we have given you over £16k and you still have the same problems. You as an adult need to fix those problems as we are no longer going to enable you in ignoring them". Same sentence again and again.

£16,000!

I think you shouldn't wait for the next request for money, but the very next time you speak to her, you should say "I've been figuring things out and you have borrowed £16,000 from X, Y and Z over the last year. You need to start looking at repaying this money because people will start to get very resentful. Because of this I hope I don't hear you ask for any more loans. I just want to hear about when you will be repaying me and the others."

I doubt you will get anything back, but it might stop her from asking for more.