To wonder if there's anything I can do and to just let her go?

[alcoholcangofuckitself]

Sorry in advance for the long post. Regular poster but have name changed.

Short backstory:

My dad is elderly and retired.

My mum is 20yrs younger but was until recently a functioning alcoholic. Has been slowly deteriorating for the last 2/3 years but took a massive turn for the worst about 6 months ago where she became non functioning, attempted suicide multiple times and eventually got signed off work. Since being signed off about 3 months ago her downward spiral had gotten exponentially worse because now she doesn't even have a 'reason' to pretend to be normal or get out of bed except to get drunk. Her muscles are basically wasting away because she can't stand up for any length of time anymore. She faints a lot and gets dizzy/nauseous. She's stopped eating and has constant bowel issues/stomach pains. So effectively my dad is her carer at the moment.

She been seeing a therapist/councillor who has basically said that we aren't to restrict her alcohol intake and that she has to stop herself. She has also been offered medication which will quash the cravings but she can't take it until she actually stops drinking completely which she won't do. Supposedly she needs to cut down gradually and then stop and can then go on the medication to help her quit for good. But the problem is SHE'S AN ALCOHOLIC so she can't/wont cut down. My dad enables her by giving her alcohol when she asks for it, she is so unstable and unsteady on her feet that he says she is at serious risk of injuring herself if he doesn't give it to her and she leaves the house to go to the shop to get some. Or she could leave the house to attempt suicide again (she has done both on multiple occasions).

I'm honestly at my wits end. I live 300 miles away and don't drive so I'm making an 18 hr coach round trip every couple months to visit and try to help but anything I try to do to help is immediately undone as soon as I step out the door. Seeing her deteriorating so far and so fast is genuinely breaking my heart and I don't know what else to do, if anything even can be done. I've spent most of the Christmas/New year period just crying my eyes out because I'm so stressed. It's literally all I'm thinking about at the moment. I can't eat or sleep for worrying.

The way I see it I have one of 2 options. I can either quit my job/take extended time off and move in with them for a while and just double down, do absolutely everything I can think of to help. At least then if the worst happens eventually then I'll know I did everything I could even if it wasn't enough.

Or I can let her go and accept the fact that she's going to drink herself to death and there's nothing I can do about it. Try and withdraw as much as I can and keep visits to a minimum to save my own sanity.

Is there another option? I feel like an absolute monster for even considering option 2 but I'm just so broken by all this, my own MH isn't brilliant at the best of times and watching her destroy herself is killing me. I'm so angry at both of my parents, her for being unable to stop and him for enabling her and yet simultaneously so sad for both of them and just absolutely desperate. I want to scream and rage and throw out every scrap of booze in the house but what's the point when I know they will just get more?

Please be gentle I am trying really hard to hold it together at the moment and no idea where to turn or what to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Option 2, every time. Give yourself a break, then give yourself a thousand more.

Derailing your own life to attempt to improve somone who's hell bent on derailing their own is futile. You are their daughter, not their rehab and your responsiblility is to yourself first and foremost in a situation like this. Yes it's heartbreaking, no you can't stop it, don't let them drag you down with them.

You deserve peace, go towards that.

So sorry but option 2 is the only option as difficult as that is

Option 2 - you can't help someone who doesnt want to be helped. Been there with dbro.

You can't stop the spiral and neither can your father. And neither can your mother. The only thing you could possibly do is to get professional help. I don't know your circumstances but if you or the family could have her put into hospital as she is a danger to herself, being suicidal, or pay for private medical treatment or get her into a rehabilitation unit or something of that kind.

Your father needs moral support so keeping in touch with him by phone at least may be some comfort to him. He must be going through a very hard time. You have to keep yourself going and hold on to your life and whatever stability you have. Otherwise you end up as part of the potential wreckage of all three of your lives.

Oh love I’m so sorry. The others are right, option 2 is the only one you can take. I see Al Anon suggested up thread, or can you arrange some counselling for yourself to help you work through this?

💐

@alcoholcangofuckitself sorry to hear what you're going through.

My Mam was an alcoholic, as was my brother in law, as is a close friend.

In all three cases I came to realise the person themselves has to be the driver for change. Otherwise there's nothing anyone else can do.

My Mam would binge, but the binges and the time it took her to recover would take longer and longer. As she had periods of being drunk/sober I think I took an option between your two. I grew up around her drinking and I didn't want DC to have to see her like that, and I didn't want to be around her like that, so when she had been drinking I would cut contact.

She wasn't quite at the stage of your mum but she was at a crossroads and I've seen through my friend how quickly things spiral once they lose their job and their health. If she had gone further with the drinking she would have lost another job and my contact would have been minimal (like you say, as soon as you walk out the door your work is undone) so I would have gradually gone more option two than one.

I would say any positive effect your presence brings to your mum would wear off if you were there all the time. I don't know whether the answer is therapy, or medication, or willpower, but without any of those no problem will go away.

However, it sounds like your dad could really could use your support. He has little option but to do what he does.

My dad drank himself to death, his last year refusing contact with me and my sister , this was hard because he brought us up single-handedly and I felt I should help but there was nothing at all I could do. He had had enough and didn’t want to fight anymore.

it sucks and I’m so sorry you have to watch in from the sidelines.

Definitely option 2. I've never had an alcoholic in my life and I can't imagine how hard it is, especially as she's your mum.

On the other hand, imagine being 300 miles away from the life you've made, with the expectation of trying to sort her out, no money and no life of your own.

There is really nothing you can do. Chronic addiction is a very serious illness and those in the grip of it have to make the decision themselves if they want to recover. Nobody can do it for them. I have a close friend going down this road, he still has a chance to get sober but won't take it atm, I'm hoping he will see the light soon.
You have to do what's right for your own health and sanity OP, and that is stepping away . Don't beat yourself up about it x

Option 2 is the only option. You really cannot help an addict until they seek help themselves.

Option 3, move your dad into yours. Leave you mum to professional services. Might just make her want to make the change?

Do NOT choose "option 3".

So sorry OP but it has to be option 2. You must not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Unless she wants to stop it'll likely kill her whatever you do. Even if she decided to stop the odds are against her.

Support your dad emotionally. Detach with love from mum.

You can’t fix this. Let her go. That sounds so simple, in reality it’s not but unfortunately it is the only way. You have to remove all safety nets. Take care op. My heart goes out to you

You need to choose option 2. You can't fix her. She needs to want to change and she doesn't.

I've been through this with my mother and my brother, and I say again, you can't fix her. Start preparing for the inevitable. I'm so sorry, OP.

I don't think I really knew how bad it was until her MH really started taking a nose dive and the suicide attempts started. My dad has been great at hiding it from all of us and downplaying it. She's always had poor mental health and I remember her struggling with depression and taking medication for years when I was a kid. Then for some reason, many, many years before these issues arose, she seemed to get better, stopped taking the meds and that was that. Maybe she was just really good at hiding it?

But then a few years ago she got very unhappy at work and then the drinking started and just got worse and worse. She did have a terrible, traumatic and abusive childhood so I have the utmost sympathy for her. Her dad (my grandad was also an alcoholic, as were all of her stepmums. Which makes all this that much harder, knowing that's she's heading down the exact same path as him.

She's been assessed many times at hospital and we've tried to get her sectioned but every time she walks out of the hospital before she can see the psychiatrist to sign off on it because she says they left her there for hours and she got fed up. One time they even threatened to call the police if she left because she was deemed a threat to herself (understandably) but nothing ever came of it.

I wouldn't rule out option 3.

I feel very sorry for OP's dad.

OP, I know this is your mum and you feel helpless and it's heartbreaking. But you cannot force her to stop.

For your own sake, please don't send yourself mad trying to 'help' her. She has to want to help herself.

My heart goes out to you and your Dad. It can be very dangerous to stop drinking or reduce in an unmanaged way due to risk of seizures.

Call Adfam for support for yourself if you are in England or Scottish families if you are in Scotland. Or NACOA.

I'm a alcoholic in recovery and believe me there isn't really much you can do. My mum has also had periods of extreme drinking so I sympathise with your situation.

You could offer someone all the help, support, counselling and rehabs in the world but ultimately the decision and action to change must come from the alcoholic otherwise it's pointless.

When in a crisis I found the AA helped. Would she even get herself to a meeting or speak with them on the phone? If she rings the main number they will get someone in the AA local to her ring her and often someone will help to go the first meeting eg a lift etc. The AA is not for everyone longterm however i found it a really good way of getting out of a crisis long enough to sort myself out.

I know it's awful but honestly I would stay at arms length and don't give up your job

'Option 3' is not an option unfortunately. I live with my partner in his house and there is no space at all for an extra person, not only that but there is no way my dad would entertain the idea even if I suggested it.

I'm angry with him for enabling him but I'm also desperately sorry for him too. I know he's in an impossible situation and needs our support. As hard as it is for all of us (adult) kids, he's there on the sidelines watching the woman he's loved for over 40 years and built a life and a family with gradually destroying herself. And then having to deal with all the questions from everyone and defend her while probably wrestling with his own grief, guilt and anger. This is all so unfair on him.

I hate myself for thinking it but the last time I spoke to her a few days ago she kept saying that she was going to beat this and I just kept thinking 'yeah right!'. Because she says that, and shes said it before but then she just keeps going back to it and I just can't believe or trust her anymore. I want to, so badly, but her words say one thing and her actions another. I keep hoping that one day she will stop and this will all be ok but I'm finding it harder and harder to hold on to that hope only for her to go back to the drink again.

It's almost easier if I just accept that it's not going to happen and stop hoping altogether. But that feels so harsh, like I don't believe in her. Can you really come back from it when you're this far gone? It feels like just a matter of time at this point. I'm truly, absolutely convinced that she will die soon if she carries on.

You can't help her. The only thing you can do is minimise the collateral damage to yourself.

Do what good you can in this situation by looking after yourself and being kind to yourself.

Unfortunately you can’t restrict alcohol. The only way she will stop drinking is if she wants to. It is so very difficult, I’m so so sorry.

I hate alcohol now because of similar experiences. I honestly had no idea what a grip
it could have on people.

I'm honestly not even sure how to do that anymore. I feel like my life is crumbling around me. My family is being torn apart and now all I do is worry and cry. I'm consumed by it. I don't feel joy anymore, just brief fleeting moments where I forget how serious the situation is, then it hits me all over again.

I'm sure my work is suffering because I just don't care any more. I can't be arsed with any of it, it all seems so unimportant now. I'm not good at hiding it when I'm feeling down and I'm pretty sure everyone around me can see it written on my face.

I had a similar dilemma a few years ago. I could give up my life to take care of my very difficult and unhappy mum (which Mum totally expected me to do) or I could live the life I wanted and let her crack on as she was knowing that it would probably shorten her life expectancy.

My YA daughter gave me some excellent advice. If I gave up my life to help mum I would become as unhappy as Mum was. If I lived the life I chose at least one of us had a chance of happiness. I took that advice and stepped back from taking responsibility for mum. Amazingly when I did that Mum suddenly was able to cope much better than she had been previously.

Your mum is ruining her own life, don't make the situation worse by allowing her to ruin yours too.