To wonder if there's anything I can do and to just let her go?

[alcoholcangofuckitself]

Sorry in advance for the long post. Regular poster but have name changed.

Short backstory:

My dad is elderly and retired.

My mum is 20yrs younger but was until recently a functioning alcoholic. Has been slowly deteriorating for the last 2/3 years but took a massive turn for the worst about 6 months ago where she became non functioning, attempted suicide multiple times and eventually got signed off work. Since being signed off about 3 months ago her downward spiral had gotten exponentially worse because now she doesn't even have a 'reason' to pretend to be normal or get out of bed except to get drunk. Her muscles are basically wasting away because she can't stand up for any length of time anymore. She faints a lot and gets dizzy/nauseous. She's stopped eating and has constant bowel issues/stomach pains. So effectively my dad is her carer at the moment.

She been seeing a therapist/councillor who has basically said that we aren't to restrict her alcohol intake and that she has to stop herself. She has also been offered medication which will quash the cravings but she can't take it until she actually stops drinking completely which she won't do. Supposedly she needs to cut down gradually and then stop and can then go on the medication to help her quit for good. But the problem is SHE'S AN ALCOHOLIC so she can't/wont cut down. My dad enables her by giving her alcohol when she asks for it, she is so unstable and unsteady on her feet that he says she is at serious risk of injuring herself if he doesn't give it to her and she leaves the house to go to the shop to get some. Or she could leave the house to attempt suicide again (she has done both on multiple occasions).

I'm honestly at my wits end. I live 300 miles away and don't drive so I'm making an 18 hr coach round trip every couple months to visit and try to help but anything I try to do to help is immediately undone as soon as I step out the door. Seeing her deteriorating so far and so fast is genuinely breaking my heart and I don't know what else to do, if anything even can be done. I've spent most of the Christmas/New year period just crying my eyes out because I'm so stressed. It's literally all I'm thinking about at the moment. I can't eat or sleep for worrying.

The way I see it I have one of 2 options. I can either quit my job/take extended time off and move in with them for a while and just double down, do absolutely everything I can think of to help. At least then if the worst happens eventually then I'll know I did everything I could even if it wasn't enough.

Or I can let her go and accept the fact that she's going to drink herself to death and there's nothing I can do about it. Try and withdraw as much as I can and keep visits to a minimum to save my own sanity.

Is there another option? I feel like an absolute monster for even considering option 2 but I'm just so broken by all this, my own MH isn't brilliant at the best of times and watching her destroy herself is killing me. I'm so angry at both of my parents, her for being unable to stop and him for enabling her and yet simultaneously so sad for both of them and just absolutely desperate. I want to scream and rage and throw out every scrap of booze in the house but what's the point when I know they will just get more?

Please be gentle I am trying really hard to hold it together at the moment and no idea where to turn or what to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Option two every time

you didn’t cause this
you can’t cure it
you can’t control it

your mum has made choices and now has to live with them. No other person has any right to stop her, even if the choice she is making is awful to watch

hugs, this is so very hard to watch

So sorry you're having to deal with this. Option 2 sounds like the wisest and probably only way from here and you're not bad for coming to that realisation. There's a section on here for alcohol related issues where you could probably get more informed support from people who've been through this and know where you could get help IRL too.

Why on earth does your dad give her alcohol? Just like mine, total enabler, completely wrecked the relationship between us and her.

Was there something that triggered the latest bout of drinking? I used to work with chaotic drinkers and it’s such a complex issue. The alcohol is numbing her and removing her from the reality of life.

She sounds very very unwell and my heart goes out to you. If you can speak to her when she’s sober, ask her what happened. 75% of female alcoholics have suffered CSA. Contact Al Anon for support for yourself, it will be invaluable.

You probably know about Al Anon already but if not try to speak to someone there. You cannot control this situation at all. It is completely out of your hands. Millions of people are going through this. Try to get some support for yourself but you can’t do anything about mum. She will either reach rock bottom and stop or not. You can’t help further than you already have. It’s sad yes

Option 2. Be kind to yourself

I don't think you should fuck up your own life to try to fix somebody else's, no. Not even your own mum, and definitely not for an alcoholic who doesn't want to stop drinking.

What you are proposing would put you back in career, finances, your own pension, happiness and mental health. Absolutely not. Xxx

I'm sorry but she's too far gone for you to do anything but put a plaster on the situation for a short time which is going to be ripped off every single time.

You can tell your father that him buying her alcohol is not the right thing to do and you don't want to fall out with him but it's too distressing for you to visit but you're there for him if he wants to talk on the phone.

You have to let go because your health is at risk from you having a breakdown or suffering anxiety etc because you are trying to help but are in fact swimming against the tide.

Be kind to yourself. You mum is ill but you can't help her. Try to be kind to them too, your dad is in an impossible position. I'm so very sorry for you but don't give up your job to help especially as you could just find yourself in your dad's position.

Option 2 OP sorry, i speak from experience here. Your mother sounds intent on destroying herself and there is nothing you can do to stop it

This is heartbreaking.
You could be talking about my aunt. She was a completely chaotic drunk in the last few years of her life, weighed less than 5 stone, but would still do anything to get drunk and get booze. Her husband had a stroke and went into hospital and she died at home within a couple of days, choked in her sleep.
My mum had let go emotionally a couple of years earlier. Accepted that five decades of alcoholism meant that my aunt was sadly going to die of it at some point.
She did call the police to do a welfare check a day or so before my auntie was found dead , which was comfort at the time, that my aunt had been seen and had help offered.
Obviously it’s very different when it’s your parent, as it’s so hurtful that loving you isn’t enough to stop her doing this.
For me, I would let her go, people have to tread their own path. Tragically, this is hers.
I would approach it with deep love for her but also deep acceptance for what had chosen and continues to choose for her own life. Of course if she reaches out for help with change I am sure you will be there, but for now, let her choose what to do. Love her but detach from having your emotions tied up in what she’s doing.
have you had some counselling?

Option 2. And get this transferred to the Elderly parents board, where you will find a lot of people in a similar position and hopefully won't be targetted by keyboard warriors. (transfer by hitting the "report" button on your post and asking MNHQ to move it for you)

Option 2
Giving up your life to watch your mum kill herself will have huge, negative, long term consequences for you

She is an addict and the only person who can do something about it is her - she has to want to stop.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you - please protect & look after yourself.

What a horrible situation. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

Ultimately, you cannot cure someone's addiction for them and, while I know it's heartbreaking, Option 2 is the only really viable choice. I wouldn't be too hard on your dad, either. Making it harder for her to drink isn't actually going to stop her drinking, and he is in an impossible situation. Giving her alcohol is harming her. Not giving her alcohol, which will likely result in her hurting herself or poisoning herself by drinking cleaning products or something, will also harm her. He is in a very difficult situation too.

Option 2

There is literally nothing you can do. She wants to destroy herself, please don't let her destroy you too. It's not your fault, there is no need to feel bad or guilty.

Let her go and be at peace with yourself.

Option 2 💔

Option 2, and sign up with a good therapist who can support you and enable you to vent your anger and upset in a controlled and cathartic way. Put your own lifejacket on, so you can be there for your family in a way yours aren’t able to be for you because of this awful disease.

So sorry.

I also chose option 2 when my Father became seriously alcoholic. He would be hospitalised over and over again and check himself out so he could go back on the drink.

She has already made her choice and you have to accept it. 💐

@alcoholcangofuckitself firstly -- you are not a monster!! I went through something very similar with my partner during 2020 - 2022 as he spiralled down the alcoholic hole. He had a breakdown, got maliciously sacked from his job (no recorse), tried to retrain but couldn't face the uni course, drank more, sold his house to fund uni, moved in with me for 6 months but spiralled down eventually not eating or communicating with me (we slept in separate rooms as I was working full time and he became nocturnal) but drinking a bottle of spirits per day (gin, vodka, whisky). I had to ask him to move out as my mental health was deteriorating and I honestly felt I was making him worse - also couldn't cope with coming home and seeing him seemingly lifeless on the bed or sofa when he was drunk asleep. He moved out to a new city and pretended to be getting back on his feet but succumbed to liver disease and died in November 2022. I was so lucky and privileged to be with him in his final hours but still feel very guilty for 'abandoning' him and prioritising my mental health and always will. Realistically I know that he didn't want to stop drinking and do sometimes wonder if it was his way of committing suicide thinking it would be easier on those of us who loved him.

You mother is making the decision herself to continue with her drinking. There is nothing that you can do or say which will stop her. You have a horrible time ahead of you and have every right to be angry and both parents - do you think it is realistic for your mum to ever stop drinking? Its a hard question to answer honestly but if you do answer it, it may give you a path to follow.

Thinking of you xxx

I've been here, op. For your own sake you must choose option 2

Because he doesn't really have much choice. She will damage herself to go in search of alcohol if he doesn't. It's not being an enabler, it's being caught in an impossible situation.

Option 2 every time. It's the only sensible option. Can you explain why would even consider option 1?

Your mum is choosing this life. You can't stop her even if you supervised 24/7 and that's not a life for either of you.

It's horrible, but you have to accept it. It's the only way. I had to for my mum and take a massive step back and only talk on the phone. When she died it was a relief I have to say. Look after yourself.

Option 2. Detach with love x

I took option 2 with my exH. I don’t regret it - it was best for everyone including our two young children. He’s in a much better place now, he’s remarried with a new family. He doesn’t have much contact with our sons - I’m not sure why but it is what it is.

You need to protect yourself.

Option 2. Option 1 would be pointless, and only viable if she genuinely wanted to stop drinking. She doesn't, so even if you chose option 1 and probably damaged your mental health seriously, it wouldn't change the outcome.

I really feel for you.