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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not even bring your plate to the sink in 3 days when visiting

66 replies

towelbaby · 02/01/2024 11:17

Last week, we hosted my best friend and her family ( she has a 1 year old DS plus her DH).

They stayed for 3 days between Xmas and NY.

We waited on them hand and foot for their entire stay and they never as much as carried their own plate to the sink after a meal. Or any cups after they had a cup of tea.

I think as hosts, we should absolutely do the majority of it and of course they had to look after a baby as well. I absolutely didn't expect them to do much - but to not even take your stuff to the sink after you've fed your child and just leave it for others to clear up is going a bit far and is not what I was expecting. I also think it's good manners to take the odd cup to the sink after you've had a cup of tea.

We also have an 18 month old baby and a 2.5 year old, so it was really full on.

Is this just me being unreasonable and expecting too much or is this what you'd expect if you have house guests ? I don't behave this way when I'm a house guest and help out quite a bit as it's a lot on the hosts. Maybe I'm wrong and I should just sit back and enjoy hotel treatment when I go to stay with others ?

OP posts:
greenacrylicpaint · 02/01/2024 11:19

why didn't you ask them to pitch in?

PurpleFlower1983 · 02/01/2024 11:20

YANBU and we used to have this for a week over Christmas with my in laws, used to wind me up!

SinnerBoy · 02/01/2024 11:20

No, carry on being a normal, reasonable, considerate human being. Your guests were lazy, selfish, inconsiderate rubbish; I'd never conceive of behaving like that!

imaginationhasfailedme · 02/01/2024 11:21

Yes it's rude. Very rude and not how I would stay in someone else's house. However, you'll have people letting you know 'you should have made your expectations clear at the beginning' rather than acknowledge that some people are pisstakers and will not do anything unless expressly told (which I don't feel adults should need to be reminded of manners when you're a guest!).
If there's a next time (and have a good think about that!), then do guide them through how to be a better guest and tell them what to do. Like you would a toddler.

JacketAndJumpet · 02/01/2024 11:21

That doesn’t sound right at all but it’s sometimes a tricky balance- I don’t really like guests helping as we have a small kitchen and it’s a lot easier to do things myself than to have six people trying to manoeuvre round a tiny space- I’m also quite fussy so would rather do it myself. But it’s nice when people at least offer to help!

Jen1991 · 02/01/2024 11:22

I would be annoyed at this and would drive me mad. I have a friend that does this when she stays she doesn't even put her things in the bin and just leaves dirty cups and cans ect all over the place. I actually find it rude and disrespectful but never say anything.

Ilovecashews · 02/01/2024 11:27

Why don’t you say something

Original poster
towelbaby · 02/01/2024 11:28

Ilovecashews · 02/01/2024 11:27

Why don’t you say something

I think that's also rude and not hospitable.

OP posts:
IKnowYouBetterThanThat · 02/01/2024 11:29

No, they were very rude. I'd always take dishes to the kitchen even if only staying for one meal and would offer to help wash up - hoping the hosts would say no but if they accepted my offer then I'd pitch in 😂

If staying longer than a day or two then I'd definitely be helping unless they insisted I didn't (e.g. I have a relative who is very particular about the way his dishwasher is stacked and he absolutely doesn't want anyone interfering which suits me fine!)

I hate feeling like the maid so probably wouldn't be inviting this lot again.

Fedupandconfused0815 · 02/01/2024 11:29

Rude, I wouldn't host them again!

finished31 · 02/01/2024 11:34

Why would anyone think it was acceptable. It's basic manners wherever you go, at the very least push your chair in and take your dirty plates/cups away.

Also, on what planet did they think you were their personal skivvy with young children yourself! I'd be pitching in and washing dishes etc. lazy bastards and CF's too!

Glockwein · 02/01/2024 11:38

I would like to see the other side of this. Sometimes there are just different levels of urgency on these things especially if the baby is full on. They might view it that they were just about to do xyz but you always got there just before. But if not YANBU. My teens are terrible for this, they are terribly conscientious in theory but in practice infuriatingly blind to what needs doing.

I am not always brilliant at pitching in because when I offer and get a "no thanks" I take it at face value. Sometimes I think you are meant to somehow insist on doing stuff anyway and I fail to navigate that! But I'm assuming your friends didn't even offer to help.

shepherdsangeldelight · 02/01/2024 11:39

towelbaby · 02/01/2024 11:28

I think that's also rude and not hospitable.

Show quote history

I think your views on "rudeness" are causing a lot of the problem.

This is your best friend and you can't say "would you just mind carrying some of the plates through to the kitchen?" or "could you just clear up that mess, please?". Or even have set some expectations at the start of the visit ("as we've both got young children, it would really help if you could just pitch in as needed").

Your lack of asking for help may well have led friend to believe that you didn't want them "getting in the way" and expected them to sit back and do nothing.

Nicole1111 · 02/01/2024 11:42

Incredibly rude. Get your holiday booked in with her asap and make the most of doing absolutely nothing. Perhaps then they’ll reflect on her actions.

AgentJohnson · 02/01/2024 11:44

This speaks volumes about your friendship! They don’t pitch in and you run around after them like skivvy’s. Each to their own but you have a part to play in this dynamic.

ManateeFair · 02/01/2024 11:44

Yes, it's rude and inconsiderate not to help or at least offer.

I see that the 'Why didn't you say something' brigade are already out, ignoring the fact that this wouldn't actually change the fact that your friends were rude. If you have to explain to people that they should offer to help clear the table or take their dirty cup to the sink when staying at someone's house, then they clearly have no manners.

Fullofxmascbeer · 02/01/2024 11:46

I’d behave in the same way at hers when you visit them and not have them back again.

MrsMoastyToasty · 02/01/2024 11:47

It's rude. I don't expect or want others to load my dishwasher (I have my own dishwasher "jenga" that works for me) but I would expect them to leave empty crockery and used cutlery on the side next to the sink.

Alargeoneplease89 · 02/01/2024 11:49

Honestly it depends, I remember going to my SIL for the day and she wouldn't accept any help with washing up (new sink can easily be scratched), even taking cups / dishes into the kitchen I felt I was given a death stare.

Some people are really funny about their kitchens 😂

Just put it down to experience and don't host again if you're that annoyed. When I host, I prefer everyone to leave their stuff as I have an order and I would rather wash up etc and they can keep an eye on the kids.

ReTrainTheBrain · 02/01/2024 11:53

Of course it's not rude to say "would you guys mind helping with the clearing up? Quicker with some extra hands! Thanks"

Reallybadidea · 02/01/2024 11:58

DH says that within his family/friends when he was growing up it would be considered rude to your hosts to help clear up or offer help. Apparently it implies that they aren't looking after you very well.

On the other hand his family aren't great on social niceties in general, so I am unconvinced by this explanation. I have trained him up over the past 25 years but I've given up on his family and just let it go these days.

shepherdsangeldelight · 02/01/2024 12:00

ManateeFair · 02/01/2024 11:44

Yes, it's rude and inconsiderate not to help or at least offer.

I see that the 'Why didn't you say something' brigade are already out, ignoring the fact that this wouldn't actually change the fact that your friends were rude. If you have to explain to people that they should offer to help clear the table or take their dirty cup to the sink when staying at someone's house, then they clearly have no manners.

Unfortunately there isn't one universal rule book of "rudeness". Some people would say it was insulting to your host to start doing household jobs.

Whether or not it was rude is actually irrelevant. It annoyed OP, but rather than saying something to a person who is meant to be her best friend, she is now still seething about it. For the sake of maintaining a good friendship, it would have been much better just to ask her to help at an early point in the visit. If her friend had still been totally useless, then she gets to be annoyed about it.

People aren't mind readers. Friend might have assumed she wasn't expected to help/OP didn't want her to help / was planning to help later but it was all done before she got there or maybe she did other things instead(look after the children?) so in her eyes they were all square.

mottytotty · 02/01/2024 12:01

How are they as hosts when you and your family stay with them, OP? Do they wait on you hand and foot?

DreamItDoIt · 02/01/2024 12:08

This is why I don't like hosting. It's common sense and manners to pitch in. Be led by the host - help but if they say 'no' then leave it.

Another bugbear of mine is the 'anything I can do to help' when there are mugs that need a quick wash up and I'm prepping dinner and the table needs to be laid Xmas Confused. Why can't people just get on with it!

I've found a good tactic is to stop offering cups of tea and do very quick and basic meals that require minimum work and pots etc.

JadziaD · 02/01/2024 12:09

I think this is where you have to say something, "right, Mary, can you help me clear the table quickly and then I'll make everyone a cup of tea."

But I do understand how difficult it is. My SIL is notorious for this. My brother often over compensates for her as it's clear he's embarrassed which also makes it difficult for me to say anything as he's jumping up to help, but when they were younger, I did make a few pointed comments a few times.