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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not even bring your plate to the sink in 3 days when visiting

66 replies

towelbaby · 02/01/2024 11:17

Last week, we hosted my best friend and her family ( she has a 1 year old DS plus her DH).

They stayed for 3 days between Xmas and NY.

We waited on them hand and foot for their entire stay and they never as much as carried their own plate to the sink after a meal. Or any cups after they had a cup of tea.

I think as hosts, we should absolutely do the majority of it and of course they had to look after a baby as well. I absolutely didn't expect them to do much - but to not even take your stuff to the sink after you've fed your child and just leave it for others to clear up is going a bit far and is not what I was expecting. I also think it's good manners to take the odd cup to the sink after you've had a cup of tea.

We also have an 18 month old baby and a 2.5 year old, so it was really full on.

Is this just me being unreasonable and expecting too much or is this what you'd expect if you have house guests ? I don't behave this way when I'm a house guest and help out quite a bit as it's a lot on the hosts. Maybe I'm wrong and I should just sit back and enjoy hotel treatment when I go to stay with others ?

OP posts:
snowitall · 02/01/2024 12:13

That’s super rude! YANBU. Our guests just left their plates etc on the bench instead of putting in the dish washer which wound me up immensely so not even taking them to the kitchen is next level!!

Prayfortheangels · 02/01/2024 12:17

How can someone be your best friend if you can't even talk about boring domestic stuff with them?

BingoMarieHeeler · 02/01/2024 12:17

This is why hosting/being a guest can be tricky. EG at my parents’ I’m always offering to help and snapped at and waved away. If people come to me I like to just do it all as people don’t know where things are kept and so by the time they’ve asked me I may as well just do it myself. But equally I would NEVER leave my kids’ food all over the table/floor - I think kid related stuff like that doesn’t come under hosting tbh. Maybe as you have your own kids too she thought you’d be clearing up after them anyway so what’s one more? She does sound like a rubbish guest tbh.

Pluviophile1 · 02/01/2024 12:23

towelbaby · 02/01/2024 11:28

I think that's also rude and not hospitable.

Show quote history

I don't think that it is rude or inhospitable to say 'I'm just going to push the Hoover around. Do you mind sticking that plate and cup in the sink? I'll get the kettle on again in a minute. Thanks!'

JadziaD · 02/01/2024 12:24

BingoMarieHeeler · 02/01/2024 12:17

This is why hosting/being a guest can be tricky. EG at my parents’ I’m always offering to help and snapped at and waved away. If people come to me I like to just do it all as people don’t know where things are kept and so by the time they’ve asked me I may as well just do it myself. But equally I would NEVER leave my kids’ food all over the table/floor - I think kid related stuff like that doesn’t come under hosting tbh. Maybe as you have your own kids too she thought you’d be clearing up after them anyway so what’s one more? She does sound like a rubbish guest tbh.

There's a big difference between being a host who is happy to do the standard chores and guests who actually make significantly more work.

I don't expect guests to clean my kitchen etc, but if they've made themselves a cup of tea or some toast in the morning, I find it pretty rude of those plates/cups are all just scattered around when I come in.

Ditto, I don't expect them to clean the bathroom. But I'd take a dim view to wet towels being left on the floor, toothpaste all over the sink etc.

barkymcbark · 02/01/2024 12:29

I think it's rude. I'll always ask if I can help with anything and make the effort to clear up or wash up a few times when I'm staying with someone.

However this has got me thinking, we had my dad and sister over for 5 days and I'm not sure they did anything.

Precipice · 02/01/2024 12:44

DreamItDoIt · 02/01/2024 12:08

This is why I don't like hosting. It's common sense and manners to pitch in. Be led by the host - help but if they say 'no' then leave it.

Another bugbear of mine is the 'anything I can do to help' when there are mugs that need a quick wash up and I'm prepping dinner and the table needs to be laid Xmas Confused. Why can't people just get on with it!

I've found a good tactic is to stop offering cups of tea and do very quick and basic meals that require minimum work and pots etc.

It's pretty strange to just start taking stuff out of people's cupboards and laying it out on the table, as a guest who hasn't been instructed to do that.

Farwell · 02/01/2024 13:14

Maybe their normal is doing everything for guests and therefore they see it as normal not to anything and it becomes self perpetuating as they do nothing anywhere they go...

sunglassesonthetable · 02/01/2024 13:23

You're right OP. It's rude.

ReTrainTheBrain · 02/01/2024 13:47

It's about attitude too. It sounds like they were expecting to just sit back and you'd do all the work. That's enough to rile anyone.
All it takes is a bit of consideration for your hosts. They're not your servants.

Goldbar · 02/01/2024 13:56

YANBU. If there are two adults, one should be minding the baby while the other pitches in.

Though in a strange house I do think mobile babies and toddlers need to be watched at all times unless it's very well childproofed. So if there was only one adult, I wouldn't expect much help unless the baby was strapped in the buggy/highchair.

Luxell934 · 02/01/2024 13:56

Personally I wouldn't care. If I'm hosting at my house then I don't expect guests to do anything really, especially if they are only staying for 3 days. Obviously I would be annoyed if they went out of their way to make mess for me to clean but not putting their plates or cups in the sink wouldn't be an issue for me.

sunglassesonthetable · 02/01/2024 14:18

Personally I wouldn't care. If I'm hosting at my house then I don't expect guests to do anything really, especially if they are only staying for 3 days. Obviously I would be annoyed if they went out of their way to make mess for me to clean but not putting their plates or cups in the sink wouldn't be an issue for me.

Ohnotyoutoo · 02/01/2024 14:23

Ask them to help out next time, or ideally they will ask you "should I take my things through?".

Personally I would never want a guest to take their things to the kitchen, as that's our domain and not theirs. Plus they inevitably end up piling it up in an inconvenient way, so I'd rather they didn't try at all. Luckily everyone who comes to our house knows this!

sunglassesonthetable · 02/01/2024 14:31

Personally I wouldn't care. If I'm hosting at my house then I don't expect guests to do anything really, especially if they are only staying for 3 days. Obviously I would be annoyed if they went out of their way to make mess for me to clean but not putting their plates or cups in the sink wouldn't be an issue for me.

What when there's 3 under 2.5 in the house?

How old are yours @Luxell934 ? It's all very well running an almost hotel experience when it's all adults.

But when you're looking after 2 babies as well it's borderline all hands on deck.

Peasand · 02/01/2024 14:33

Friends putting things in my sink really piss me off. They’ve given me an extra job. I have to take it out of the sink and put it in the dishwasher.

sunglassesonthetable · 02/01/2024 14:35

And yes I know there's DP in the mix.

But just to leave your baby feeding bits on the side where you used them, in someone else's house?

Or just leave cups where you had a tea?

I think it's PFB syndrome, you know, hers is the newish baby, and all encompassing .

Floralhousecoat · 02/01/2024 14:43

@towelbaby You say she's your best friend, did you know she was this entitled and rude before you hosted her? Have you stayed with her before and if so, I'm willing to bet she didn't wait on you as much. Hope you won't have them back again! and if she asks, just say you find hosting really hard work, and won't be doing that again.

Inkyblue123 · 02/01/2024 14:49

It’s upto you as the host to set expectations, not the guests. Mention something like : can you leave your dishes in the sink; I’ll load the dishwasher myself..or have a quiet word with her and say, I’d really appreciate if you could clear the dining table when your done. No one wants to feel like they are a bad guest - why on earth did you do it for 3 days! You need to speak up. I hope you are more assertive in the rest of your life

sunglassesonthetable · 02/01/2024 14:51

You need to speak up. I hope you are more assertive in the rest of your life

Could you sound more patronising?

YireosDodeAver · 02/01/2024 14:54

In order to be a doormat you do have to lie down and spraypaint "Welcome" over your torso.

Alternatively it's not hard to say "could you just pop those things from the table into the dishwasher while I sort out the next round of drinks?"

Or "Obviously one of you needs to stay in here to look after baby but could the other come through I need a hand in the kitchen"

You choose.

sunglassesonthetable · 02/01/2024 15:02

*In order to be a doormat you do have to lie down and spraypaint "Welcome" over your torso.

Alternatively it's not hard to say "could you just pop those things from the table into the dishwasher while I sort out the next round of drinks?"

Or "Obviously one of you needs to stay in here to look after baby but could the other come through I need a hand in the kitchen"

You choose.*

How simple.

Or you power through, with the dawning realisation it's happening, giving your partner massive side eye. And then decide not to have them round again.

That's probably what I l'd do in all honesty. Though are other people are more together clearly.

Takes all types

sunglassesonthetable · 02/01/2024 15:04

*In order to be a doormat you do have to lie down and spraypaint "Welcome" over your torso.

Alternatively it's not hard to say "could you just pop those things from the table into the dishwasher while I sort out the next round of drinks?"

Or "Obviously one of you needs to stay in here to look after baby but could the other come through I need a hand in the kitchen"

You choose.*

How simple.

Or you power through, with the dawning realisation it's happening, giving your partner massive side eye. And then decide not to have them round again.

That's probably what I l'd do in all honesty. Though are other people are more together clearly.

Takes all types

OhNaffOffYouWazzock · 02/01/2024 15:14

People clearly have very different ideas about the etiquette of hosting and being hosted so it's probably bit unfair to call them rude.
Unlike PP who dislikes guests asking if they can help I really don't like it when guests just start doing things so would ask if I can help even if it is glaringly obvious that dishes need doing etc. I'd feel rude just marching into the kitchen and starting on washing up.
Generally if I'm hosting and want help I'll ask for it but happy to just get on with things myself.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 02/01/2024 15:15

I tend not to help in other people's houses for the very simple reason that when people try and help me I get incredibly stressed. I cannot concentrate on what I'm doing in the kitchen if people come in and invariably ask questions in my second language when my brain is busy thinking about something else. If they ask I'll do whatever they ask me to gladly. I like clear requests because I'm not a mind reader.