To think my mother can be a bit rude sometimes?

[Dorisnightingale]

And if so, should I mention something? She's in her mid 50s and is a great parent to me, I am fortunate. However I realised she has some habits that could come across as quite rude.. nobody is perfect, I am certainly not, but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.
For instance if we go out to eat as a family or whatever she will always order for herself first, and if hers comes first she will start eating immediately even if others' meals haven't arrived.
Of course if the other meals are taking a while then you shouldn't be expected to let your food go cold, but I mean instantly eating it when it arrives.
I went for dinner once with my ex partner and my parents. My Mum only has a smallish appetite and usually offers her food to others. She would be offering things to me but never to my ex, I started gesturing for her to offer him something too and she got the hint, but it felt awkward at first that she didn't offer him anything.
Or another thing is that she'll make comments loudly. For instance we were in a taxi and loudly said 'This driver's taking us the long way, we should've been here by now.'
Indeed some drivers do that and it's frustrating, but maybe it's better to say something to them rather than making loud comments they'll hear.
They live in a very small but very nice well-to-do town, recently there were 2 female beggars on the street there and as we walked through my Mum loudly exclaimed how she didn't expect to see them here of all places.
Lastly she will often cut people off when they're speaking, interrupt them sort of thing. She did it with my ex sometimes and I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
I know nobody's perfect and maybe it sounds like I'm being intolerant?
I know my ex wasn't that keen on her which hurt on one hand but to some extent I could see why.. I admit I'm worried about introducing any future partners. Not sure if I'm just being overly critical?

She sounds incredibly rude and I'll mannered OP. I can't understand those claiming she is just an assertive woman. She seems to be particularly rude to those she feels are inferior to her. A terrible trait.

@Coolhwip . Narcissism is very rare. We all have narcissistic traits. They are an important part of being successful. MN is full of posters who self diagnose others with narcissism.
I see so much more ageism on here to older women than towards women in their 40s and 50s. Famously, even MN HQ described older women on the bus as 'old biddies', regarded as a user friendly term for older women.
It does seem daft because if we are lucky all of us will grow old but there is so much more ageism on here towards women in their sixties and older rather than middle aged women.

Agreed.

Every excuse under the sun is being pulled out to defend what is quite obviously rude and ill-mannered behaviour just because she’s a middle aged woman. I find that far more ageist and patronising than the admission that she is rude.

She sounds rude.

Just because women are often expected to have less agency or not say who y think doesn't mean they should lack manners. In my experience women may care less about what others think as they age but take that out on the wrong people. Eg being rude to retail workers.

She sounds incredibly bloody rude to me.

From your description, it sounds like your mum is not malicious or unkind but rather awkward socially.

Lots of people are, presumably they haven't been taught to be considerate and hospitable, or perhaps they have some sort of disorder.

I have a friend who is a very lovely person who has less than great social skills ie. She'd never offer a guest a drink or even gesture for them to sit down. But that's not an indicator of her nature which is very sweet.

I don’t think you can or should try to change your mum but its fine and understandable that you feel uncomfortable when she comments about people, and it's ok to tell her that it's not OK.

The food thing, well I would always wait for everyone to get their meals but people do things differently and I wouldn't want to be judgemental. It's not a biggie, after all.

she doesnt want her dinner getting cold and didnt like your ex probably had them sussed, her behaviour doesnt sound like shes rude or "has demrntia" wtaf ! but somebody who is maybe little bit self absorbed nothing more. oh and your friend doesnt have to like her.

she maybe had a point about the taxi.

She sounds impulsive to me, she can’t wait to eat, she says whatever pops into her head, she interrupts people. She sounds similar to my Gran, who also comes across as rude. Maybe there’s a bit of neurodivergence?

Maybe you should tell her indiscreetly? Very direct people don’t always understand hints, it’s literally a different language.

’ Hey mum, watch what you’re saying. Fred’s my friend ! ‘ with a smile.

So your response to ageism about a mid-50s woman is to do whataboutery and point to ageism against women in their 60s and 70s? That makes…no sense.

I didn't say 'she burped because she is Chinese' though, I stated that she happened to be Chinese and burped in my face, and neither her nor her companion thought this odd, so I concluded it might be a culture thing. If you have a Chinese born friend who doesn't do this, then it's maybe not cultural at all, or maybe only ok in some parts of China, or maybe she's just rude (surely we agree that burping basically in someone's face is rude?)?
I didn't say that some Brits don't do horrible things, because they do, but it's also not xenophobic to point out (potential) cultural differences.
Calling things xenophobic when they are not weakens the argument against actual xenophobia. It's perfectly ok to not like things that people from any culture do, which we don't find pleasant.

Well then say something to the taxi driver, and not make passive aggressive comments?

some people just love a moan don't they ?

Her comment about beggars was unnecessary but it could be genuine surprise. I wouldn’t expect them in residential area, it’s more a city centre thing imo.
As to taxi drivers…. You know that distance affects the cost of journey? So are you ok to be charged more ? I wouldn’t, your mum was right to raise this softly.

Your friend was very rude. And it was years ago and you still base your opinion on that????

I don't think OP's examples are particularly good ones to indicate rudeness.

However, it's interesting that at least 2 people have said they don't like her and that OP sounds like a people pleaser. That might be indicative of some deeper behaviour going on behind the scenes - perhaps so subtle or so ingrained that OP is not really aware of it as she's always known it.

Example - my mother hardly ever manages to say both "hello" and "goodbye" to everyone in a single meet up, which is a fairly basic social norm. As a lone example, it sounds petty. It's actually part of a wider behaviour where she thinks herself much better than anyone else and that everyone should do as she wants.

Not sure what your comment is directed at tbh.

I think your nit picking because your friend rudely I may add said that she doesn’t like your mum.
As long as your mum is’nt lighting her farts in public I wouldn’t say anything as you’ve already pulled her up in vain about her talking loudly in public about a taxi driver’s route being the long way round.

I have found one of the secrets to life is learning that others people behaviour is not a reflection on you.

We all do it to some extent, and can feel embarrassed if a child, spouse, sibling or event parent does something we wouldn’t do. The error is in thinking if your mum is rude in your eyes, it’s rude to everybody else and somehow means you are responsible for her poor behaviour.

My mother and FIL were both people who would complain ‘out loud’ but not to the person they had an issue with. It’s very annoying and can feel like cowardice on their part. I end up thinking ‘if you are unhappy, tell that to the person concerned, not me’.

You have 3 choices, keep feeling embarrassed, say something, or decide what she does doesn’t mean you don’t know what’s inappropriate.

The irony of life is that as we get older we often turn into our mothers. You will need to watch out for the day you start complaining out loud to the room!!

I agree she sounds rude and I would be embarrassed too. I’m in my 30s and my mum is similar to this. It drives me up the wall and if I pull her up on something (usually after stomaching it for quite a while) she turns into the victim and it’s all my fault. Unfortunately I do think it’s a certain level of entitlement that comes with being from a certain generation. A lot of the responses on here only confirm that for me. This isn’t a woman speaking her mind or being assertive in any way it’s just plain obnoxious and self centred. It’s just as obnoxious when men do it too.

She might be generally a bit rude but the food thing is nonsense. The whole thing of waiting for everyone to get their meal started when working class people tried to behave like the upper classes, and got it wrong. If food is hot, you don’t wait, you just start eating. If food is cold, you wait. Working classes thought you were meant to wait no matter what and now it’s trickled down into the “way we do things” but it’s wrong. Correct etiquette is to just eat your food when you get it if it is hot.

A certain generation? Like born in ..... 1970?

Well I am older than your Mum (did you say she's mid-fifties?) and I think she does sound rude, yes. Unlikely to be dementia I would think especially if she's always been that way. As I've aged I find I don't agonise so much about what other people think, but I wouldn't do the things your mum does,and I try to be polite and not hurt other's feelings.

You can have a chat with her, but I expect it'll be hard as she obviously is oblivious that she's acting wrongly. Sorry OP.

This.

I'm a similar age to her (if that's relevant) and I wouldn't do those things.

Agree with this. My mother-in-law is the same - starts eating as soon as food is put in front of her, helps herself first to everything, eats with mouth open, loud awkward remarks, doesn't listen when people are talking to her, etc. She's a lovely woman, but the lack of basic manners can grate on me - especially as I really struggle with people who eat noisily. Think it's partly an ND thing but it makes me murderous!