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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mother can be a bit rude sometimes?

89 replies

Dorisnightingale · 02/01/2024 06:14

And if so, should I mention something? She's in her mid 50s and is a great parent to me, I am fortunate. However I realised she has some habits that could come across as quite rude.. nobody is perfect, I am certainly not, but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.
For instance if we go out to eat as a family or whatever she will always order for herself first, and if hers comes first she will start eating immediately even if others' meals haven't arrived.
Of course if the other meals are taking a while then you shouldn't be expected to let your food go cold, but I mean instantly eating it when it arrives.
I went for dinner once with my ex partner and my parents. My Mum only has a smallish appetite and usually offers her food to others. She would be offering things to me but never to my ex, I started gesturing for her to offer him something too and she got the hint, but it felt awkward at first that she didn't offer him anything.
Or another thing is that she'll make comments loudly. For instance we were in a taxi and loudly said 'This driver's taking us the long way, we should've been here by now.'
Indeed some drivers do that and it's frustrating, but maybe it's better to say something to them rather than making loud comments they'll hear.
They live in a very small but very nice well-to-do town, recently there were 2 female beggars on the street there and as we walked through my Mum loudly exclaimed how she didn't expect to see them here of all places.
Lastly she will often cut people off when they're speaking, interrupt them sort of thing. She did it with my ex sometimes and I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
I know nobody's perfect and maybe it sounds like I'm being intolerant?
I know my ex wasn't that keen on her which hurt on one hand but to some extent I could see why.. I admit I'm worried about introducing any future partners. Not sure if I'm just being overly critical?

OP posts:
Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 02/01/2024 07:59

MzHz · 02/01/2024 07:41

She’s only in her 50’s! OLDER woman is a bit on the harsh side,

Show quote history

....and being rude us the opposite of having agency.

everyredsock · 02/01/2024 08:02

This is so similar to my mum! She's rather eccentric, loud and, as you describe, sometimes rude. She seems to get away with it as she's also quite posh and funny so people see it as a eccentricity rather than rudeness.
My sibling and I are less polite than you. We're often mutter 'mum....' and then point out what the issue is. It's usually to keep her voice down. After a few glasses of wine she's unbearable.
One thing I will point out is mine and my sibling's exes both disliked her. And I made things really difficult. But whilst mum can be annoying she's still my mum and I love her. I won't accept anyone being rude to her or bitch about her behind her back.
Luckily my DH and my sibling's new partner but think she's great and get on well with her. They take the piss about her (it's impossible not to) but it's from a place of affection rather than spiteful.
You don't have to put up with someone being hurtful about her.

Pigeonqueen · 02/01/2024 08:05

I think maybe it’s just a generational thing. I’m closer to your Mums age than yours. It’s pretty common for women in their 40s-50s (like me) to start caring less what people think. Why should she let her food sit there if it’s arrived slightly before yours? Yeah if it’s a super fancy restaurant maybe that’s different but if it’s just you and your dp and a normal lunch out somewhere she probably doesn’t think she needs to wait. I think you’re trying to find fault with things that aren’t really an issue.

FortunataTagnips · 02/01/2024 08:09

I’m in my 50s and I still have manners!

AlisonDonut · 02/01/2024 08:10

So she puts her food order in when asked, eats her food when it comes, offers her food to her family and doesn't like being run around the block in a taxi which presumably costs her or you extra.

Good on her.

autienotnaughty · 02/01/2024 08:11

The food stuff not an issue at all.i might offer my dd or my husband food off my plate if I was full but I wouldn't offer someone I wasn't related to.

The verbal stuff suggests a lack of awareness. I think I would call it out at the time.

You sound like you worry a lot what others think. I would just focus on your relationship with your mum and not what others think of her.

Feelingsadandwanttohelp · 02/01/2024 08:12

My mum talks with her mouth full round the dinner table and coughs and yawns SO loudly. It's embarrassing and irritating, but you can't change people

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 02/01/2024 08:12

It is rude to start eating without waiting for other people's food to arrive. The social norm is to wait and, if there is a delay in all the dishes coming out, the other diners should say 'please go ahead and start', you don't just tuck in.

It is also rude to do the passive aggressive loud comment rather than actually talking to the driver if you think he is taking the scenic route to drive up the fare.

However I doubt she will change now if she thinks these behaviours are acceptable.

SparkleyMud · 02/01/2024 08:13

I think telling her you are generally rude is not the way to go. But I don't think you should actively be hiding how you feel in these situations. Your feelings are valid too. You could just be a bit more open about your reactions.

Like when she starts eating you could simply say...oh aren't you waiting for our food to arrive. Or I'd like it if you could wait for our food to arrive.

When she talks loudly so taxi can hear you could say yes you can ask him why he's doing that.

Mackeroo · 02/01/2024 08:16

Nobody's perfect and your examples seem a bit petty and immature. You've said she's a great mum to you so be glad of that and accept her quirks, as I'm sure she accepts yours.

ChanelNo19EDT · 02/01/2024 08:17

She sounds less of a people pleaser than you maybe?

Ie, it's like a warning yo the taxi driver "I know this area"
I wouldnt give food to my daughters x.

Maybe her personality is just more direct.
That's not something to "tolerate".

Accept that you are you and she is her.

I am mid 50s and my mum doesn't get the concept above. So it's not an age thing

Many people of all ages struggle to comprehend this.

Who paid for the taxi that day BTW?

TedMullins · 02/01/2024 08:20

Bestyearever2024 · 02/01/2024 07:10

She sounds like a woman who does and says what she likes.

You sound like a woman who people pleases and takes on others' opinions as truth

Very different women

For me, I admire women like your Mum.

It's (perhaps) a shame that you don't

Agree with this. The comment about the female homeless people is a bit unpleasant but the rest is fine. I’d rather have an assertive and self-assured mum than a fussing people pleaser.

ChanelNo19EDT · 02/01/2024 08:21

FortunataTagnips · 02/01/2024 08:09

I’m in my 50s and I still have manners!

Are you sure? Maybe you have dementia!

Sorry op. But saying she is in her mid 50s as though that is relevant to something!!

Nanaof1 · 02/01/2024 08:22

Usernamen · 02/01/2024 07:35

Did she grow up overseas by any chance?

There are quite a few things that we would consider uncouth in the UK that are perfectly normal in some countries. Like talking with your mouth full, eating before everyone’s food has arrived, mashing your food and eating it with a spoon in your right hand, being rude/dismissive of people in ‘service’ jobs (such as taxi drivers).

So, what countries have residents that think those things you described are fine and mannerly? Besides the eating when you get your food, which seems a bit normal to me. I am honestly curious.

Personally, I've never had a meal out where they haven't brought everyone's food at the same time or close to it. But, if I was served first, I would start eating, as waiting would make my food colder. I would though, ask everyone if it was okay if I started and them, being polite, would say, "Of course". I guess I am lucky that we all seem to get served at the same time.

Original poster
Dorisnightingale · 02/01/2024 08:22

Ok, thanks for the varying points of views. My sister paid for it

OP posts:
Coolhwip · 02/01/2024 08:23

MzHz · 02/01/2024 07:41

She’s only in her 50’s! OLDER woman is a bit on the harsh side,

Show quote history

Every person is older than someone else. Older is not an insult.

Coolhwip · 02/01/2024 08:26

Usernamen · 02/01/2024 07:35

Did she grow up overseas by any chance?

There are quite a few things that we would consider uncouth in the UK that are perfectly normal in some countries. Like talking with your mouth full, eating before everyone’s food has arrived, mashing your food and eating it with a spoon in your right hand, being rude/dismissive of people in ‘service’ jobs (such as taxi drivers).

What a load of xenophobic bullshit.

Have you not seen the disgusting stuff people born in this country do?

PuppyMonkey · 02/01/2024 08:31

Speaking as a 57 year old, I say she sounds marvellous. Grin

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 02/01/2024 08:39

Coolhwip · 02/01/2024 08:26

What a load of xenophobic bullshit.

Have you not seen the disgusting stuff people born in this country do?

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It's not xenophobia to point out cultural differences though.

Example - A few weeks ago a Chinese woman (not sure where she actually lived but she clearly had Chinese ancestry and style of dressing) burped very loudly pretty much into my face as she walked past me. My first thought was that maybe that's normal where she's from but it IS considered rude in the UK. The lady with her didn't seem shocked either. Burping if necessary, sure, but put your hand over your mouth and don't do it right at someone.

Coolhwip · 02/01/2024 08:45

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 02/01/2024 08:39

It's not xenophobia to point out cultural differences though.

Example - A few weeks ago a Chinese woman (not sure where she actually lived but she clearly had Chinese ancestry and style of dressing) burped very loudly pretty much into my face as she walked past me. My first thought was that maybe that's normal where she's from but it IS considered rude in the UK. The lady with her didn't seem shocked either. Burping if necessary, sure, but put your hand over your mouth and don't do it right at someone.

Show quote history

It is xenophobic when you only list the bad stuff you perceive other nationalities to be doing.

And omit things that Brits do that other nationalities might find disgusting.

And you have no idea that that Chinese woman burped because she is Chinese, that’s pretty racist. I have Chinese friends i.e. born and brought up in China, who don’t burp in my company.

Jl2014 · 02/01/2024 08:50

She does sound like she has bad manners but I think your friend sounds worse. Rude and hurtful to say she didn’t like your mum and I think that says more about the friend tbh.

I wouldn’t have expected your mum to offer the ex food off her plate though- you’re her child so it’s different.

Summonedbybees · 02/01/2024 08:50

If this was your MIL posters would instantly agree with you and call her a 'narc', the real new black on MN. I will never get over MN posters giggly suggesting how to get even with MILS and a popular ideas convincing her she had dementia by moving stuff and pretending she had forgotten things. At a guess I think a lot of posters on here are 40s and 50s. They tend to be protective of that age group.
There is a lot of sageism on here ( sexist, ageist attitudes to older women). By that I mean women in their 60s and 70s.

Mrgwl29 · 02/01/2024 08:54

My mom got a bit like this around the menopause.

She was frustrating at times but I try and see it from her POV. The menopause seems...not fun. All that emotional/hormonal upheaval, like when you first start your periods, but people have even less patience for you because you're in your fifties.

i think she also went through a phase of suddenly coming into her own with not giving a shit about what others think, which is great but she was sometimes rude! I think it probably felt great after all the years of childrearing/work etc.

I dont know, it is frustrating but I think that'll be us embarrassing our children one day. Can't escape it.

ChanelNo19EDT · 02/01/2024 08:56

My daughter is a lot younger than you @Dorisnightingale but she is an adult, nearly 21
I notice that she will tolerate all manner of behaviours from her friends but if I do something that doesn't conform to her view of how to behave, I get tutted! Things like chatting to the postman, asking if the café has almond milk, declining to open front door to a neighbour who wants me to mind her cat. All of this is highly embarrassing and needs to be tolerated! The idea that I might be privately accepting a list of behaviours that are objectively more annoying isn't on her radar.

Mind you, I handle it very differently from how my mother handles our differences!

Coolhwip · 02/01/2024 08:59

Summonedbybees · 02/01/2024 08:50

If this was your MIL posters would instantly agree with you and call her a 'narc', the real new black on MN. I will never get over MN posters giggly suggesting how to get even with MILS and a popular ideas convincing her she had dementia by moving stuff and pretending she had forgotten things. At a guess I think a lot of posters on here are 40s and 50s. They tend to be protective of that age group.
There is a lot of sageism on here ( sexist, ageist attitudes to older women). By that I mean women in their 60s and 70s.

Are you saying people defending a mid-50s woman going about her life is sexist and ageist to women in their 60s and 70s? Because that makes so sense.

Can you name one ‘narc’ behaviour in OP’s post about her mum?