Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘If we’d wanted to go, we would’ve by now’

57 replies

BoysBagsShoes · 01/01/2024 20:08

Bit of back story; have been with DP for nearly 7 years, DSD (17) lives with us all the time. There are elements to adult life I feel I’ve missed out on - we can’t have children and my partner doesn’t want to marry me. When we first got together he made it clear that the priority would always be his daughter, which I accepted.

We have rarely gone for weekends away due to DSD, and when we have it has been with DSD or to places to watch rugby or with his friends.

We were having dinner this evening and chatting about places we’d like to visit. New York was mentioned and my DSD said she’d never wanted to go. DP replied that, ‘if we’d wanted to go, we would’ve by now’. I replied with the fact that I’d always wanted to go, but that’s obviously not a priority. DSD laughed and said something like ‘come back from that dad’, while DP said nothing.

This happens a lot. If I’d like to do something but DSD doesn’t, we don’t (same with food we eat, restaurants we go to, days out etc.). AIBU for feeling like my ‘wants’ are not only not a priority, but are pretty much being ignored? I’m quite happy travelling by myself, should I just tell DP that if he doesn’t want to do certain things, then I’ll just go without him?

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 01/01/2024 20:11

Go without him - he doesn't consider your wants or needs a priority.

Find someone who values you, this one doesn't. Or even value yourself and be single. Relationships aren't mandatory and he doesn't care much about you.

Christmastreestillinonepiece · 01/01/2024 20:11

Your dp is so committed to dsd he has no energy for a relationship. Find a man who does... One day soon dsd will be living a full adult life and you 2 will be sat twiddling your thumbs as retired people sat awaiting death....
..

Changingplace · 01/01/2024 20:13

Go to New York without him, it’s amazing! And do whatever else you like too, don’t miss out on life for him.

Wildhorses2244 · 01/01/2024 20:14

Yes. Say “actually I think I will go to New York in February. Would you like to come?”

If he says yes book for the two of you, if he says no then just for yourself. If he says x, y, z then say “that sounds fun but we’ll need to do it later in the year because I’m going to New York in February “

MrsWhites · 01/01/2024 20:14

Why are you with someone who makes you feel under valued and like you are missing out? Life is too short to live like this!

NuffSaidSam · 01/01/2024 20:16

What's keeping you in this relationship?

Book a trip to New York by yourself and while you're there there have a think about your relationship. You only live once, don't waste it.

FIuffy · 01/01/2024 20:16

Sounds like you’re living a half-life.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/01/2024 20:17

Of course go without him!

With a sister, friends, even on your own New York is ALWAYS worth a visit.

ClottedCreamScone · 01/01/2024 20:17

Why are you letting this man decide what you do with your one, precious life?!

TheYear2000 · 01/01/2024 20:17

This sounds very disheartening OP. Why won't he marry you?

I'm sure you know that you do deserve better. His behaviour is uncaring and disrespectful- and frankly unattractive to always prioritise his child's needs over his partners. Life is so short, you really can't not live the life you want just because you are with a man who can't be arsed. Either go on trips etc by yourself and stay with him- or probably the better option would be to look at moving on from this less than happy relationship so you have a chance of finding happiness- either with someone more suited to you or at least by yourself and not being put down by him.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 01/01/2024 20:18

When you say we cant have children, what do you mean by that? If you could have them with someone else and you wanted to have kids then I'd strongly urge you to consider why you are putting everything on old for a man who clearly sees you as a side character.

Your DSD is a sideshow to that issue. She probably judges her dad for hiw he treats you and is learning not to put up with it in her future relationships.

OP, I strongly worry that when DSD goes off to uni or moves out, your partner will still not consider your wants or needs. And from his perspective, why should he? You're showing him you'll stay anyway. I really worry you are a toy for this man to play with when his DSD or friends arent around and that you're a convenience. Do you have reason to think otherwise?

And I'm sorry to be blunt and hurt your feelings, I'm not trying to be nasty, there just isnt really a concise way to say this gently on mumsnet.

Terrrence · 01/01/2024 20:23

I can understand why all holidays up until now included his DD as she lives with him full time. Now she is reaching her late teens you will soon have the opportunity to go on holidays for just the two of you. And after years of you going where they want he should really be wanting to give you the chance to choose the destination.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 01/01/2024 20:26

Christmastreestillinonepiece · 01/01/2024 20:11

Your dp is so committed to dsd he has no energy for a relationship. Find a man who does... One day soon dsd will be living a full adult life and you 2 will be sat twiddling your thumbs as retired people sat awaiting death....
..

Exactly this.

He is an idiot prioritising his stepdaughter when she will soon leave home and have her own life. What is he going to do then? How did all

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 01/01/2024 20:28

Well you're correct that he isn't prioritising your wants and needs, but then neither are you. He doesn't respect the things you want because you don't respect the things you want either, you are just passively accepting you're "not allowed" to go. Yes he is an arse but you have a greater duty to make yourself happy than he does. Arrange the trip yourself and go. You don't need his say so.

Snowfalling · 01/01/2024 20:30

His daughter is like a spouse to him, and you, the other woman. Honestly, leave this dysfunctional mess of a relationship, it has obviously chipped away at you and ground you down.

You are not prioritising your own needs (marriage) and wants (couple's holidays), so I don't know how this selfish man will. Put yourself first. Go to New York, free yourself from this awful relationship where you will always be the outsider.

wizzywig · 01/01/2024 20:33

Kids live at home longer these days. She could be living with you another 10 yrs at least. Go out and enjoy yourself

Original poster
BoysBagsShoes · 01/01/2024 20:34

TheYear2000 · 01/01/2024 20:17

This sounds very disheartening OP. Why won't he marry you?

I'm sure you know that you do deserve better. His behaviour is uncaring and disrespectful- and frankly unattractive to always prioritise his child's needs over his partners. Life is so short, you really can't not live the life you want just because you are with a man who can't be arsed. Either go on trips etc by yourself and stay with him- or probably the better option would be to look at moving on from this less than happy relationship so you have a chance of finding happiness- either with someone more suited to you or at least by yourself and not being put down by him.

We have discussed marriage but he was previously married to DSDs mother and she was highly abusive. He lost a lot of money during their divorce and it took a long time for him to trust again. However, it does feel like I’m almost paying for another woman’s actions.

OP posts:
AllAroundMyCat · 01/01/2024 20:34

It's seems quite clear who rules the roost here, and it's definitely not you or your partner.

It's time to speak up and say what you'd like .
DSD is old enough to accept this.

If your partner doesn't like that then you know where you stand.

Orangello · 01/01/2024 20:36

We have rarely gone for weekends away due to DSD

she's 17, you can have a weekend away. If you want to.

Original poster
BoysBagsShoes · 01/01/2024 20:36

Snowfalling · 01/01/2024 20:30

His daughter is like a spouse to him, and you, the other woman. Honestly, leave this dysfunctional mess of a relationship, it has obviously chipped away at you and ground you down.

You are not prioritising your own needs (marriage) and wants (couple's holidays), so I don't know how this selfish man will. Put yourself first. Go to New York, free yourself from this awful relationship where you will always be the outsider.

Yes you’re right, and this has been noted by other people in the way that they act together. Absolutely nothing dodgy, but when we’re out with other family members or at their houses, she will almost cling to him and I don’t get a look in. I know this is because for a long time it was just the two of them and her mum caused them both massive trauma, but it’s very hard.

OP posts:
hot2trotter · 01/01/2024 20:36

Dump him. And then go to New York

Original poster
BoysBagsShoes · 01/01/2024 20:39

Ohtobetwentytwo · 01/01/2024 20:18

When you say we cant have children, what do you mean by that? If you could have them with someone else and you wanted to have kids then I'd strongly urge you to consider why you are putting everything on old for a man who clearly sees you as a side character.

Your DSD is a sideshow to that issue. She probably judges her dad for hiw he treats you and is learning not to put up with it in her future relationships.

OP, I strongly worry that when DSD goes off to uni or moves out, your partner will still not consider your wants or needs. And from his perspective, why should he? You're showing him you'll stay anyway. I really worry you are a toy for this man to play with when his DSD or friends arent around and that you're a convenience. Do you have reason to think otherwise?

And I'm sorry to be blunt and hurt your feelings, I'm not trying to be nasty, there just isnt really a concise way to say this gently on mumsnet.

Thank you, and I appreciate the bluntness! We mostly have a good relationship and we’ve been very happy. We have had quite a few ups and downs over the past year, but in many ways this has brought us closer together. Sometimes I think it’s just that he’s not thinking and it’s definitely not malicious (which is still an issue…)

OP posts:
Ivecomeoutoflurking · 01/01/2024 20:40

Please go without him and then don't come back to him.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 01/01/2024 20:40

I would be walking away. You are not a priority in anyway and his DSD knows it. She rules the roost and always will.

xyz111 · 01/01/2024 20:41

His response was odd. You would've by now?? Do you have a huge amount of money to just go places every weekend? People of all ages still travel to new places. You don't do it all quickly in a year or something.