‘If we’d wanted to go, we would’ve by now’

[BoysBagsShoes]

Bit of back story; have been with DP for nearly 7 years, DSD (17) lives with us all the time. There are elements to adult life I feel I’ve missed out on - we can’t have children and my partner doesn’t want to marry me. When we first got together he made it clear that the priority would always be his daughter, which I accepted.

We have rarely gone for weekends away due to DSD, and when we have it has been with DSD or to places to watch rugby or with his friends.

We were having dinner this evening and chatting about places we’d like to visit. New York was mentioned and my DSD said she’d never wanted to go. DP replied that, ‘if we’d wanted to go, we would’ve by now’. I replied with the fact that I’d always wanted to go, but that’s obviously not a priority. DSD laughed and said something like ‘come back from that dad’, while DP said nothing.

This happens a lot. If I’d like to do something but DSD doesn’t, we don’t (same with food we eat, restaurants we go to, days out etc.). AIBU for feeling like my ‘wants’ are not only not a priority, but are pretty much being ignored? I’m quite happy travelling by myself, should I just tell DP that if he doesn’t want to do certain things, then I’ll just go without him?

I think many couples have "travel incompatibility" where one loves it and one doesn't.
Understanding that this is simultaneously not going to change and that it doesn't mean the travel lover shouldn't travel.
Make up your mind to travel and do the things you want to do with other friends and family.
Either he'll sit up and go with or you'll be going with someone else. Either way it's a win win for you!
Get googling holidays!

The daughter stuff is a red herring by the way.
She'd probably follow his lead.
If he was enthusiastic about going, she likely would be too. Or she'd arrange to stay with a friend or family instead.
It's about him not meeting your need for adventure. But why let him veto that?

Have you had a proper conversation with him, about this? Like, have you said everything you said here, to him? What was his response?

We’ve discussed multiple times about the places we’d like to travel to together when DSD leaves home. He’s always been enthusiastic about it just being the two of us. We’ve had holidays where DSD has been quite ungrateful and hard work and he’s acknowledged this and spoken to her.
I think tonight just made me feel as if he hadn’t been listening to me and that the ‘we would’ve gone’ was aimed at him and DSD, not me and him.
I’ve got a manic few months of work ahead, but once that’s out the way I’ll bring up the trip again and if doesn’t want to go, I’ll enjoy it myself (and may treat myself to an upgrade in the process!).

I couldn’t live like this. Your needs aren’t being met in this ‘relationship’. Even today my dh tried to makes decision for me, I told him he doesn’t speak for me and my decision was made, it was only about a small thing, but still…

I feel so sad for you. If this is what closer than ever looks like there must have been some truly awful times.

Being alone is much less lonely than feeling alone and undervalued in a relationship.

I’m so sorry your IVF didn’t work and that he doesn’t treat you like a true partner whose wishes and happiness matter 💐💐💐

you sound like the maid though - go on trips. Alone. Send postcards about how much fun you're having

And dial back the "mum" stuff?