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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘If we’d wanted to go, we would’ve by now’

57 replies

BoysBagsShoes · 01/01/2024 20:08

Bit of back story; have been with DP for nearly 7 years, DSD (17) lives with us all the time. There are elements to adult life I feel I’ve missed out on - we can’t have children and my partner doesn’t want to marry me. When we first got together he made it clear that the priority would always be his daughter, which I accepted.

We have rarely gone for weekends away due to DSD, and when we have it has been with DSD or to places to watch rugby or with his friends.

We were having dinner this evening and chatting about places we’d like to visit. New York was mentioned and my DSD said she’d never wanted to go. DP replied that, ‘if we’d wanted to go, we would’ve by now’. I replied with the fact that I’d always wanted to go, but that’s obviously not a priority. DSD laughed and said something like ‘come back from that dad’, while DP said nothing.

This happens a lot. If I’d like to do something but DSD doesn’t, we don’t (same with food we eat, restaurants we go to, days out etc.). AIBU for feeling like my ‘wants’ are not only not a priority, but are pretty much being ignored? I’m quite happy travelling by myself, should I just tell DP that if he doesn’t want to do certain things, then I’ll just go without him?

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 01/01/2024 20:41

Prioritising kids doesn’t mean you never do anything with your partner. Your DSD would cope if the two of you went away for a few nights without her. The fact he doesn’t want to suggests it’s not that DSD is his top priority, it’s that you aren’t one at all. You deserve a more present partner who wants a life with you.

Original poster
BoysBagsShoes · 01/01/2024 20:41

We had unsuccessful IVF and I’m now peri-menopausal. Even with another partner I’m not sure if children would be possible.

OP posts:
Snowfalling · 01/01/2024 20:41

BoysBagsShoes · 01/01/2024 20:36

Yes you’re right, and this has been noted by other people in the way that they act together. Absolutely nothing dodgy, but when we’re out with other family members or at their houses, she will almost cling to him and I don’t get a look in. I know this is because for a long time it was just the two of them and her mum caused them both massive trauma, but it’s very hard.

Show quote history

This is really rubbish op. Surely you can't be happy being disrespected and your needs and wants disregarded in your own home? Why wouldn't you leave him?

Brefugee · 01/01/2024 20:44

sounds a bit shit to me, OP. How much do you do around the house, housework, wifework, and how much looking after DSD have you done?

In your shoes? I'd be doing exactly as i please whenever i please and making sure i have a quick easy exit strategy just in case the situation stops being one you want to be in

FIuffy · 01/01/2024 20:44

Whose house is it?

Original poster
BoysBagsShoes · 01/01/2024 20:46

Despite everything I do love him, and my DSD. We have a happy life together, we rarely argue and spend time together as a family, which is important to both of us. When we’re good together, we’re great! I can’t imagine not being with him…and there is a huge part of me that is so scared of being alone.

OP posts:
Catza · 01/01/2024 20:48

It doesn’t sound like his daughter is a priority, it sounds like the daughter is the centre of his universe which is not what you signed up for. I am in a similar boat, we also agreed that his daughter is a priority but it does not mean that everything revolves around her. So if both her and I are in a hospital with a broken leg, he will stay with her because I am an adult and can take care of myself. But if we want to go camping, which she hates, we go and explain to her that she will have to suck it up. 90% of the time we also don’t enjoy watching Atlantis for the 1000th time but we do it because it’s her favourite film. So 10% of the time she can join us in what we enjoy doing. Hopefully she will grow up a decent human who is considerate to others.
So absolutely go to NY by yourself and maybe reevaluate your relationship on return.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 01/01/2024 20:49

I'd be a bit evil and start trying to surreptitiously get DSD onside about the New York idea. Mentioning shopping, gaming arcades, whatever cool food places she'd like, museums and parks, if she likes particular TV and films set in New York like Friends or Sex and the City etc I'd be taking full advantage of dropping those into conversations about an imaginary planned trip there, or if you know of anyone who's been particularly on a girls' holiday you can say how interesting it all sounds and what a laugh they had etc.

The minute she expresses any slight interest I'd pounce. "Oh, maybe me and you could do a girls' grip, DSD? I mean, you ARE 17 now." 😆

Original poster
BoysBagsShoes · 01/01/2024 20:49

Brefugee · 01/01/2024 20:44

sounds a bit shit to me, OP. How much do you do around the house, housework, wifework, and how much looking after DSD have you done?

In your shoes? I'd be doing exactly as i please whenever i please and making sure i have a quick easy exit strategy just in case the situation stops being one you want to be in

I’ve pretty much been ‘mum’ for the past 6 years, DSD has only just started seeing her mother recently after being NC for 4 and a half years.
Most home stuff is split equally, but I do slightly more. DP is excellent with cooking, garden stuff and DIY.

OP posts:
Christmastreestillinonepiece · 01/01/2024 20:49

Ltb and get a dcat. Or a ddog and a camper van.

FortunataTagnips · 01/01/2024 20:49

It sounds as if you could do with some counselling as a couple, as he doesn’t seem to be hearing you properly. Would he agree to that?

Tacotortoise · 01/01/2024 20:50

Is he really, truly so great that you're happy to lead a second class life with him? You get to live exactly one life @BoysBagsShoes make sure it's the right one.

Original poster
BoysBagsShoes · 01/01/2024 20:50

His. I have---- my own.

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 01/01/2024 20:51

Christmastreestillinonepiece · 01/01/2024 20:11

Your dp is so committed to dsd he has no energy for a relationship. Find a man who does... One day soon dsd will be living a full adult life and you 2 will be sat twiddling your thumbs as retired people sat awaiting death....
..

I agree. Cut your loses there's a much better life out there for you

Original poster
BoysBagsShoes · 01/01/2024 20:51

FIuffy · 01/01/2024 20:44

Whose house is it?

His, but I have my own and own savings.

OP posts:
Jom222 · 01/01/2024 20:51

Yabu for wasting 7 years with a man who openly doesn’t value you.

Moonshine5 · 01/01/2024 20:52

OP he sounds like an amazing father but he is definitely not an amazing partner. You probably deserve a lot better. Put yourself first.

Original poster
BoysBagsShoes · 01/01/2024 20:53

Catza · 01/01/2024 20:48

It doesn’t sound like his daughter is a priority, it sounds like the daughter is the centre of his universe which is not what you signed up for. I am in a similar boat, we also agreed that his daughter is a priority but it does not mean that everything revolves around her. So if both her and I are in a hospital with a broken leg, he will stay with her because I am an adult and can take care of myself. But if we want to go camping, which she hates, we go and explain to her that she will have to suck it up. 90% of the time we also don’t enjoy watching Atlantis for the 1000th time but we do it because it’s her favourite film. So 10% of the time she can join us in what we enjoy doing. Hopefully she will grow up a decent human who is considerate to others.
So absolutely go to NY by yourself and maybe reevaluate your relationship on return.

Thank you for reply. Yes, we have tried to do the same. We are planning on going away in the summer and DSD doesn’t want to come. DP has said fine, which I was relieved about.

OP posts:
Snowfalling · 01/01/2024 20:55

Jom222 · 01/01/2024 20:51

Yabu for wasting 7 years with a man who openly doesn’t value you.

This.

the only reason you rarely argue is because you put up and shut up. I hope you'll value yourself more than you are doing now.

Original poster
BoysBagsShoes · 01/01/2024 20:56

Thank you so much for all of your replies. You are all pretty much saying what I need to hear, but just don’t want to accept. It just very sad.

OP posts:
Ohtobetwentytwo · 01/01/2024 20:56

I appreciate your difficulties RE IVF and if I take your view that he is otherwise a good man and not treating you as a sideshow as I'd earlier wondered, then in light of that, can you find common ground with DSD? She might be more adventurous than him and if he sees you both doing things together without him then it might alleviate any insecurity he has about pushing her out because she or gets 1:1 time with you and it might push her to encourage her dad to feel ok about doing things just you and him.

AlisonDonut · 01/01/2024 20:58

‘if we’d wanted to go, we would’ve by now’

Huh? If you wanted to go he would have stopped you if your DSD didn't want to go. This makes no sense.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 01/01/2024 21:01

You sound like you re financially better off than him so if that's the case I woulnt be pushing for marriage anyway, I'd be glad it's not on his agenda. To me, it's a legal tie, not love, so try not to hang too much emotion on that X

Ohtobetwentytwo · 01/01/2024 21:05

BTW @BoysBagsShoes I'm normally firmly one of the first to say LTB but I think based on your updates you have a lot of good to work with, the problem will be of he hears your concerns and makes it clear that he has no desire to find a balance, either by making some short term concessions like date nights alone and holidays when she moves out or whether he simply does not want to spend alone time with you and focusing on DSD is a cover for that.

Milliemoo6 · 01/01/2024 21:09

Life's too short to live like that. It sounds like he's using his daughter as an excuse to put his needs above yours. It doesn't sound like much of a partnership to me, and I think if he really wanted to make you happy then he'd find a way.