PIL gave their Christmas presents from us away

[olympicsrock]

PIL came to stay before Christmas. It was hard going. They are very ‘particular ‘ people. DH had a big fall out with BIL 10 years ago . We see them at family occasions only and do send gifts to BIL’s child. PIL have pushed for a reconciliation hard over the years. We get on fine with DH’s sister who has adult children but we agreed years ago not to exchange adult presents . ( kids under 18 only) .

During visit PIL gave our kids presents and the children gave them a small present back each . We agreed not to exchange adult presents then so that we all had something to open on Christmas Day.
I put BIL’s child’s gift in a bag with a label - (it was pretty full )and asked them to deliver it.
On the day that they left DH put the gifts for PIL , he says he said here are your presents ( expensive and thoughtful presents) on our kitchen table next to Christmas cards for the siblings that they would deliver . No labels on the gifts but FIL always gets a bottle and MIL loves reading ( rectangular parcel)

FIL must have put the wrapped bottle in the child’s gift bag and MIL decided that because the pile of books for her was next to a card for DH‘s sister then the gift must be for SIL .

None of them have told lazy BIL that the bottle he received ‘from DH’ was not meant for him. Awkward as he did not send birthday or Christmas gifts to our kids . They did however finally tell the lovely sister so MIL did get her gift. I am relieved because I do not want the expectation of having to buy and post and exchange gifts with adult extended family.

Today I told MIL that DH was upset about the mistake because he put time into choosing MIL’s gift. She initially said that they did nothing wrong as it was ‘obvious’ that the gifts were for the siblings and we should have labelled them.
I said that if in doubt they should have checked with us. She replied that I wasn’t there when they left and they had no doubt . I said you could have phoned and didn’t you think it was odd for you to have no gifts from us and why we were sending gifts to family who we never exchanged gifts with.

She eventually apologised in a very self righteous way for doing harm and I said no harm done but a mistake that could easily have been prevented .

She also was stroppy about them receiving a generous gift of wine from a wine merchant from
my mother that did not contain the sender details. For background my mother gives them a gift of wine every year and I was easily able to confirm that yes the gift was from the usual sender. Aaaghhh!

AIBU that they want to pretend that the gift was from DH to BIL and that they didn’t check! Accept that gift labels would have helped and have said this to DH but to be honest they would only have had a few gifts so not hard to remember.

And would I be unreasonable to suggest that DM doesn’t bother them with a gift from wine merchants next year!

She initially said that they did nothing wrong

Which they hadn’t.

To be honest I don't even understand why you sent a gift for your niece. If you have no relationship with your brother in law (and I assume his wife) you can't really have a decent relationship with your niece. How on earth would you know what gift to send her - what she likes, dislikes, has already etc?
It must have been a fairly generic gift.

Thread title made me expect PIL to have given away the gifts intentionally, like opened and then immediately donated

Not that it was an easily avoided mix up because of you/your husband's incompetence

So you didn’t label them and then are all 🤔when they go to the wrong people?! Jesus I struggle to remember which presents are for which of my own kids without labels when I’m the one that bought and wrapped them. Never mind which is which when others have done those parts. It all sounds a bit weird but I think you need to do some labelling if you’re going to be annoyed if the wrong person gets a gift

It is ‘your’ fault, ie you and DH for not labelling them.

I don’t get why you are so hell bent on blaming them and not your DH. Taking away your dislike of MIL and looking objectively, you and DH didn’t label the presents, there was confusion about who they were for. DH should just tell BIL now.

If you think they did it on purpose to try and force a reconciliation then fair enough.

If you accept it just a mistake caused by your Dh not labelling presents then you owe them an apology.

I don't often vote YABU, but you should have labelled the gifts.

As MN would say, "this is a DH problem". He didn't label the presents so they ended up in the wrong hands. Understandably confusing for PIL seeing as all gifts were together when they took them, I guess the put things in bags to help carry them.

Next year your DH needs to label things clearly!

It has become clear from your posts you dislike your MIL (and other in-laws), perhaps for valid reasons, who knows as your posts are so muddled and sounding more and more desperate to prove to yourself you are right. You jumped on this mistake as an opportunity to have a go without thinking it through.

Your MIL has apologised only to try to keep the peace, at Christmas, under your ridiculous attack.

You have shot yourself in the foot as it is your sides mistake and the pair of you look like unhinged fools to his family now. There are two ways out of this - 1) act like naughty children, hide and hope it goes away, until you can find better ammunition. 2) tell them you have reflected on it and can see how the mix up happened easily because you/dh never labelled and sincerely apologise for your over reaction.

How can an unplanned gift next to cards be pil playing at anything did you specifically say I've got cards there for x but the two gifts are yours? Surely the fact everyone on here says it's your fault tells you the problem has nothing to do with your relationship with BIL ....maybe your in-laws thought some attempt at moving forward had actually happened.
I understand the bitterness having had similar and still living with the loss including no pension a stroke and nearly loosing BIL has melted a little ice.

Just for the record it is not MY fault . DH is responsible for buying and wrapping gifts for his Family

So why did you insist on receiving an apology if you didn't have anything to do with it?

Label the gifts.

Don't demand apologies for something that has nothing to do with you.

I don't get this at all OP, it's completely your own doing and as an aside, hardly the end of the world either. Somehow you not only caused the issue but appear to have made quite a scene in the dealing with it - no wonder people were reluctant to give an apology, imagine having the gall (you) to accept one and then still complain, when they've done nothing wrong and are clearly trying to keep the peace.

Getting the same thing every year and begrudging it, how 'thoughtful' indeed. Nobody is obliged to send a gift to anyone they don't want to send one to. I am sure they will manage with or without a bottle and probably enjoy the peace and quiet instead of this nonsense.

Honestly, I understand that you are cringing at the awkwardness, but lesson learned, next time label clearly. I'll swap you for my mother in law, who despite TWENTY years of my mother sending a gift, is utterly shocked each December when presented with something - and then openly tells me who she is passing parts of the gifts we have bought her on to. Drives me up the wall!

It is a dh problem not labelling the gifts.

It is an OP problem wading in and shit stirring with her MIL.

She eventually apologised in a very self righteous way for doing harm and I said no harm done but a mistake that could easily have been prevented .

It's over to accept an apology without a lesson following.

I'm sorry but this is your fault and like previous posters have said just hold your hands and say sorry.

Also…. Starts thread , most people disagree, instead of accepting this and maybe apologising to PIL, says there’s a massive backstory and “checks out of thread because it’s annoying” - this tells me all I need to know about you!

Who the fuck doesn’t label presents? His is totally your fault and you owe your MIL an apology.

This!

Because they don’t ever talk about anything… no conflict just pretend everything is ok.

Doesn’t really matter if it was your job or his - this kind of thing is why labels are a ‘thing’.

None of this would have happened if someone had put a label on them!

(Cancel the cheque)

Maybe there genuinely is no conflict until you wade in with your wooden spoon op!

Seconded. Why on earth did you have to have it out with your MIL? So unnecessary.

It's crazy not to label gifts.

Wow, you sound like a right little gem. Some of your replies to people are plain nasty.