AIBU to be distraught he's using childhood trauma agains me?

[TheWestfoldFell]

STBXH and I are still in the same house for hopefully only another month or so. I'm moving out - have bought a house just down the road so the kids aren't too far from each parent and can still walk to school.

Anyways...we've been arguing again. Nothing new there lately. We're trying to keep it away from the kids etc (still haven't told them what's going on at his insistence)

He's a bad snorer (I know we should ideally be in separate beds but again - control issues which is one of the reasons why I'm leaving him)

I nudge him to turn him over so he stops snoring. Or I'll just suffer or go sleep in the sofa.

A couple of occasions when I've done this in the past he's pretty much shouted at me, been quite aggressive in his tone and told me to "stop hitting him"

I'm not hitting him at all. But Saturday morning after another night of him having a go, he's come back into the bedroom after getting up for the day and said "I've told my sister what you're doing and she's told me to tell her if she does it again"

Roll on to yesterday and we're arguing about this again.
I come from a childhood where I saw my dad hit my mother. I was around 6/7.
I said this to him during the argument.

Questioned him why he would ever think I was hitting him or that I would hit him knowing I'd experienced that trauma as a child.

His response "well I bet your dad questioned that himself"
Meaning he is comparing me nudging him to stop snoring to my dad hitting my mum. He also knows about the time my dad tried to push my mum out of the car on the side of the motorway with me and my little sister in the back seat in the middle of the night.

Apparently I'm being sensitive and need to get over it. I'm the one in the wrong for "hitting" him in his sleep and I'm vicious and a grumpy bitch.

Just retire to the sofa till you move. I know its not ideal, however it removes the snoring issue and lack of sleep. How old are your children?
Stay strong you will be out of there soon. Good Luck💐

You are in the process for splitting up and for all the reasons that you are leaving (control etc), this is just him doing more of the same.

You do not need to listen or believe anything he says. He is not on your side. You know your true intentions, keep trusting your own feelings, not his.

It must be extra difficult to be accused of doing something that he knows is very emotionally loaded for you. He’s just trying to make you feel bad (and he has succeeded- that’s a win to him).

Just be prepared that this sort of behaviour will probably increase as you leave. He is losing control of you and this will be hurting him so he will do and say some ridiculous things.

Just don’t engage or try to get him to see things from your point of view. He doesn’t want to be reasonable. Remember you just want to get away, and he wants to punish you. Bite your tongue and don’t rise to the bait. Grey rock until you are out of there.

Best of luck.

Just tell him that he can try to manipulate you as much as he wants but it won’t work because you know exactly what he’s trying to do. You were completely awake when this happened, you know exactly what occurred and he is very clearly lying about a mere nudge in order to dramatise it as violence.

Thankyou for the kind words.

I spent the whole day clearing the attic and sorting out what I want to take with me on Saturday (he went out and didn't come home for hours - almost called the police to report him missing 🙈)

I have a thick put me up mattress thing in the attic (attic is converted almost) and I suggested I would sleep up there till I moved out. (I've asked him to sleep elsewhere and he has refused)
He said no to me sleeping upstairs because he didn't want the kids seeing me sleep elsewhere and start asking questions.
For context - final order is in and I can apply for the final divorce thing and the house purchase is at the solicitor doing all the checks stage. So I should hopefully get the keys soon.

So TLDR: I'm not allowed to sleep elsewhere

sweetheart, you can sleep wherever you want. Fine, don't tell the kids about splitting yet (although you do need to have the conversation and don't forget to warn school too so they can support) but you don't need to share a bed. If the kids ask questions just say daddy was snoring and you couldn't sleep so moved to another space.

I'd slo have. a chat with women's aid because of the control. Is there anywhere else you and the kids can stay until your house is ready?

So TLDR: I'm not allowed to sleep elsewhere

but you are, you know that right?

if he’s trying to set himself up as victim then the last thing he should be doing is attempting to make you sleep in the same bed as him. Using the dc is the weakest excuse, if they question it the it’s because dad snores. I’m presuming they’ve been aware of the times you slept on the sofa.

in the kindest possible way, you’re actively letting him have power over your actions that he can only have if you comply. You don’t have to.

How is he going to stop you sleeping elsewhere?

Kids are DS 14 and DTGs 13 end of this month x

You don't have to sleep where he tells you.

You can sleep where you want to.
Just tell the kids you're sleeping in a different bed / on the sofa and you both snore and wake each other up.

You'll need therapy to truly split up with him because you are still letting him be in control. It's cruel to spring this on the children, they should be prepared before you move out. As for time scales from the solicitor this week and I'd be planning on telling the children on Saturday. Unless you are in danger and I'd worry that he's setting it up so he's got an excuse to physically abuse you, you should be separating and making your own decisions now.

I'm getting therapy though work thankfully. Work has been amazingly supportive tbf

When are the children going to be told according to him? At their ages I very much doubt they don't realise something is up, and being presented with a complete divorce and immediate move with no warning is unlikely to be well received or good for them. They will need time to process what is happening and at their ages they will also have a day in where they go.

Honestly - it's in not in their interest or in yours to allow your at ex to continue to call all the shots and hold on this and tell you you aren't allowed to sleep in another bed.

I'm sorry he is so awful - you will be better away from him and I know it's hard but you need to really consider what is best for the children and you - not what is best for him.

Don’t let him bully you into sleeping in the same bed as him. That is not normal behaviour. Sleep on the settee or the mattress and just tell your children he was snoring. Or better still tell them the truth.

Am I reading this correctly? You're leaving him in the next few weeks yet still sleeping in the same bed? And letting him tell you where you can and can't sleep?

You need to be out sooner. He's a gaslighting, bullying twat.
Dies he know you're leaving?
I hope 2024 is better for you.

You are allowed to sleep wherever you want. He isn't the boss. If the loft can be locked from outside then do not sleep in there. But you can put an air mattress in the girls room and sleep in there.

I don't think hiding this from your kids is going to help them adjust tbh

Sleep in the attic tonight. F**k him and his demands. The kids also need to be told sooner rather than later. He doesn't get to control you at all anymore.

Tell him its coercive control to try to force you to share a bed with him. A crime. Would he like you to log it with the police?

Imho he has instructed you not to tell the kids because he thinks he can still prevent you from leaving him. Not only are you allowing him to control the narrative in a completely unhealthy way, but it does the kids no favours either. You need to tell them what's happening asap so they have the chance to process the news, ask questions and get reassurance from you before it's all suddenly happening. If you can't trust him to do that jointly with you in a civilised way, then you'll need to do it alone. I question whether it will be much of a surprise to them at those ages anyway, and it may even be a relief.

I remember that time between finding out my parents were separating and us actually moving out being quite tense and stressful as a child so I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing to keep it fairly short but I think they do need some notice. I would be telling them any time in the next week or two really if I were you so they have a bit of time to process it. I also don't think he has the right to tell you where to sleep. He clearly doesn't want you touching him but you need to be able to sleep too so moving to the put up bed would be ideal. You can truthfully tell the children it's because of his snoring if they ask, but at those ages I'd guess you're up first anyway.

Stop sleeping in the same bed as him.

You do know he cannot force you to sleep in the same bed with him?

You're separating. It's no longer appropriate to share a bed and you'll both be more comfortable in your own space.

This is coercive control.

The children are perfectly old enough to understand the situation - it will come as more of a shock if they haven't been prepared in advance and a noticeable change in sleeping arrangements will make it easier for them.

Continue making up your new bed and using it. Tell the children why.

He can't stop you sleeping where you want. You shouldn't be sharing a bed with him.

I get the impression that your moving out date is imminent - in a month or so? In which case you really must tell the children! Ideally together with your husband if he is not a complete abusive dickhead. Chances are your children will realise something is up, so no point in delaying.

Apart from that, go grey rock.
Stop letting him control you.
Sleep wherever is most comfortable and convenient for you.

You can sleep wherever you damn well please, but an attic might not be the safest place.