AIBU to be distraught he's using childhood trauma agains me?

[TheWestfoldFell]

STBXH and I are still in the same house for hopefully only another month or so. I'm moving out - have bought a house just down the road so the kids aren't too far from each parent and can still walk to school.

Anyways...we've been arguing again. Nothing new there lately. We're trying to keep it away from the kids etc (still haven't told them what's going on at his insistence)

He's a bad snorer (I know we should ideally be in separate beds but again - control issues which is one of the reasons why I'm leaving him)

I nudge him to turn him over so he stops snoring. Or I'll just suffer or go sleep in the sofa.

A couple of occasions when I've done this in the past he's pretty much shouted at me, been quite aggressive in his tone and told me to "stop hitting him"

I'm not hitting him at all. But Saturday morning after another night of him having a go, he's come back into the bedroom after getting up for the day and said "I've told my sister what you're doing and she's told me to tell her if she does it again"

Roll on to yesterday and we're arguing about this again.
I come from a childhood where I saw my dad hit my mother. I was around 6/7.
I said this to him during the argument.

Questioned him why he would ever think I was hitting him or that I would hit him knowing I'd experienced that trauma as a child.

His response "well I bet your dad questioned that himself"
Meaning he is comparing me nudging him to stop snoring to my dad hitting my mum. He also knows about the time my dad tried to push my mum out of the car on the side of the motorway with me and my little sister in the back seat in the middle of the night.

Apparently I'm being sensitive and need to get over it. I'm the one in the wrong for "hitting" him in his sleep and I'm vicious and a grumpy bitch.

The kids probably already know.

Sleep wherever you want.

A lot of men in your DH's position think that as long as no one knows but the two of you then it's not real, if the DC know then it makes it real and he can't deal with that. Just tell your DC (they are old enough to understand seperation) then he has to face up to your relationship ending. No one gets to tell you where you can sleep and I certainly wouldn't share a bed with a man I was leaving

Make some arrangements to not share a bed. Either the sofa on alternative nights or put a camp bed in one of the kids bedrooms or in another space. But stop sharing. This is just not helping either of you! He's being horrible and you're probably poking him a bit hard too.. just get your own space

What’s the plan with the kids? Will they just split their time as they like? I know they are teens but if he’s coercive and controlling to this extent I’d want something concrete and enforceable. What if he doesn’t let them come to you?

Mummy’s sleeping elsewhere as daddy snores… simple. Done.

At 13 & 14 your kids know something is going on just not exactly what.

You need to tell them asap.
You also need to stop sleeping in the same bed & room as you STBExH. Even the sofa would be a better short term arrangement.

Get some support from a women's group supporting abused women and look at getting counselling to help you move on.

Good luck

Absolutely this! Move to the attic.

Your solicitor is at the stage of doing checks. I take it that means the stanard enquiries, which means it is still fairly early in the process. It can take a while for the solicitor to get the answers back. Where did you get the month time scale from? It seems from what you've said that you haven't signed or exchanged contracts yet so realistically it might be several weeks before you move.

Hope you got a decent sleep in your own space last night OP

That's really depressing 😞

you really must tell the children! Ideally together with your husband if he is not a complete abusive dickhead.

Tell the children, but have a plan to do it alone if he refuses. I think it would actually be better to do it alone as if you do it with him he will twist everything you're saying. I'd prefer to get my version in first. Stick to facts and practicalities:

"Dad and I are getting divorced. I will be moving into a new house and you will stay with me ABC and Dad XYZ. You will stay at the same school and keep doing karate/swimming/flute."

They'll probably be most concerned about how their own lives will change.

Have you contacted Women's Aid? Your husband is abusive. Do you recognise that? Do you have support in real life? I'd be concerned his attempts to control you will escalate. Leaving is the most dangerous time. I'd make sure you have someone with you when you tell him, for example.

Ah, sorry. I didn't mean to add to your woes but just to give you a sense of a realistic time scale for the process so that you don't have a big letdown if the move doesn't happen within a month.

You can check with your solicitor to find out progress and when they expect to be ready for the signing and exchange of contracts - it's at that point that you set a day and date for completing the sale and moving, usually a week or two after exchange to give the solicitors time for legalities and for you to arrange for removals etc. Things can sometimes happen more quickly and perhaps they will as the housing market seems to be fairly quiet at the moment. The estate agent could also push to move things along and follow up with solicitors for progress reports.

@Abitofalark its ok. I cjecked online to see what general time lines are. The mortgage is sorted, and the survey has been done. I do thinknit will be towards the end of this month. Possibly early Feb.
Ive emailed the solicitor to ask fir a time line

It is straightforward to say that you can sleep where you want, but we are not in your shoes. I can see that you want to keep the peace until it is all over. Invest in some noise cancelling earplugs until you are able to safely move on with your life. Once he is out of the door it will be in the past.