AIBU to be distraught he's using childhood trauma agains me?

[TheWestfoldFell]

STBXH and I are still in the same house for hopefully only another month or so. I'm moving out - have bought a house just down the road so the kids aren't too far from each parent and can still walk to school.

Anyways...we've been arguing again. Nothing new there lately. We're trying to keep it away from the kids etc (still haven't told them what's going on at his insistence)

He's a bad snorer (I know we should ideally be in separate beds but again - control issues which is one of the reasons why I'm leaving him)

I nudge him to turn him over so he stops snoring. Or I'll just suffer or go sleep in the sofa.

A couple of occasions when I've done this in the past he's pretty much shouted at me, been quite aggressive in his tone and told me to "stop hitting him"

I'm not hitting him at all. But Saturday morning after another night of him having a go, he's come back into the bedroom after getting up for the day and said "I've told my sister what you're doing and she's told me to tell her if she does it again"

Roll on to yesterday and we're arguing about this again.
I come from a childhood where I saw my dad hit my mother. I was around 6/7.
I said this to him during the argument.

Questioned him why he would ever think I was hitting him or that I would hit him knowing I'd experienced that trauma as a child.

His response "well I bet your dad questioned that himself"
Meaning he is comparing me nudging him to stop snoring to my dad hitting my mum. He also knows about the time my dad tried to push my mum out of the car on the side of the motorway with me and my little sister in the back seat in the middle of the night.

Apparently I'm being sensitive and need to get over it. I'm the one in the wrong for "hitting" him in his sleep and I'm vicious and a grumpy bitch.

So TLDR: I'm not allowed to sleep elsewhere

Oh, OP, you know he's abusing you don't you? Coercive control is now (rightly) illegal.

What do you mean he said no? Would he physically drag you to bed? If he does, that’s assault and you could call the police and have him removed from the property.
stop engaging with him.

He said no to me sleeping upstairs

So what? He can’t stop you. If your kids know you are separating, it won’t seem weird to them that you’re in separate beds. If they don’t know you’re separating (although obviously they soon will) just tell them it’s because their dad snores.

My kids know we sleep separately, because their dad snores loudly. They don't bat an eyelid and accept it as entirely normal. So sleep where you like and explain why.

Can you rent somewhere short term? You'll be able to get a holiday let this time of year I expect.

Whether the kids actually know you're splitting or not, they will know things aren't good.

And this is why you're leaving him. At absolute best he's a nasty bully. This is coercive control. I know. I've been there. Take a big deep breath, just go to your chosen sleeping area. You don't have to discuss it with him. Ask him to agree a day to tell the kids and if he refuses say you're going to do it alone. They deserve to know a few weeks before you leave and while they are off school is ideal. Sending a big hug OP

It's not his choice, it's yours.

You're divorcing him - his opinion on where you sleep is beyond irrelevant. Just sleep somewhere else!

Not that it matters but who are DTGs? (i.e. DTGs 13 end of this month)?

OP, at least there is light at the end of the tunnel, and don't be surprised if he ramps up the ante as your moving day draws closer. What I will say is that the children in the house are at an age where they can sense things with a lot more accuracy than parents often give them credit for. Springing this one them when it's a done deal is not a good plan - they'll have questions, there'll be confusion, hurt and a hefty dose of anxiety.

Drags are "dear twin girls"

I know we have to tell them sooner. I'm off to email the solicitor to ask for a time line as someone else suggested. Then if I have a date for exchanging then I'll be more armoured to be able to say that we need to tell the kids.

Stop sharing a bed with him. You don't need his permission. If you're not ready to tell the kids blame it on his snoring.

OP, he's abusive, and it sounds as though he doesn't want you to leave. Be very careful. He could become violent when you actually do leave. It would be safer just to leave one day, without giving him any warning that that's what you are about to do.

Your kids, all three of them, are teens and will have a pretty good idea of what's going on. And undoubtedly will have their own opinions about what you should be doing and which don't include sharing your bed.

Bite the bullet and tell them sooner rather than later.

Can you move out asap, before exchange or completion on the house?

What is your plan for where you will be living? Can you bring it forward, or stay with a relative temporarily?

OP you can sleep wherever the hell you want.....I repeat. YOU CAN SLEEP WHEREVER YOU WANT!!!

The children will be finding out soon enough, he doesn't get to dictate that you can't sleep elsewhere due to "protecting" the kids from finding out.....if you're that bothered don't make a big song and dance about it and just let them know it's a temporary thing as you need a few good nights kip because of his snoring!

This.
Physically leave ASAP, all in one go without warning him, as his behaviour suggests he is not accepting the reality of the situation and his abuse will likely get worse.
Is it your intention to move with the DC?

The snoring and him lying to his DS is really the least of your concerns right now.

Tell the kids, in front of him. Let the horse bolt 🤷🏻‍♀️ any negative behaviour will only back u up, even if you lay no blame

Why are you still listening to him about where you can sleep, just sleep where you want.

He said no

He doesn't get to tell you what to do. He never did, actually. But divorcing means you don't even need to negotiate. Just sleep on your own.

DH snores and often sleeps in another bed. And I like him. DD doesn't care.

1. you sleep where you want to, although I would do sofa rather than attic
2. you tell your children now, it’s one less thing he holds over you and gets them prepared for when you move

I have an ottoman/foot stool big enough to put a duvet in there. So I'll probably put a fresh duvet in there and just move downstairs when I wake in the middle of the night.
I am up for 6am when I'm working so I go to sleep for 9pm.
He works from home so doesn't go to bed till late and gets up gone 8am.
I have asked him several times to sleep elsewhere. But he won't.
So this is my only option really.

He is not the boss if you. You really don't have to sleep with him when you are planning to leave him. He's just trying to control you.

I'd tell the kids sooner rather than later, so they have time to get used to the idea and so they're not shocked when you tell them about the house.

Then your STBX has one less thing to beat you up over.

Be aware that one of the most dangerous times for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she's leaving. Take care

I find it hard to believe at that age they have not recognised the tension/have some idea what is going on already. And if they don't, do you not think it will be more confusing for them to suddenly go from mum and dad sharing a bed to living separately?

Be careful. Don’t engage. Just do what you want without arguing. Look blank if he says “you can’t” or “I won’t let you”. Just shrug and do what you want.

tell the children sooner rather than later.