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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For posting this on Facebook

74 replies

RoastyToastyBaps · 31/12/2023 16:18

I’m normally a pretty private person but I have to get this off my chest. Argh!!! I don’t know whether to post it or not……

It’s been six years since I left my ex-husband and I’ve never said a bad word about him on social media. We had a very messy divorce and I didn’t want to turn my personal pain into entertainment. There have been so many awful things he’s done to me and my family, and I’ve always tried to keep my head held high and be the bigger person.

But my heart breaks at how badly he treats our children. I’m so jealous of other separated parents who continue to co-parent their children and remain amicable for the children’s sake. The sad truth is he doesn’t want to be a father. He doesn’t want the responsibility. He doesn’t want to spend time with them. Actions speak louder than words and he’s always got an excuse.

He’s never paid me a penny more than the child maintenance services force him to, and the week before Christmas they sent me this text to tell me I’ll be getting nothing from January 2024. I cried my eyes out when I found out.

I tell people I’m not a single parent, I’m a sole parent. I raise them completely by myself and I love them more than anything in this world. There’s times it’s amazingly wonderful and other times it’s really hard. He’s always refused to be involved with their care including speech therapy, hobbies, school work etc.

His mother picks them up and drops them off every second Saturday, and he’s meant to spend the day with them at his parent’s house - but he’s often away playing golf or out with the latest girlfriend. He was meant to see them yesterday but didn’t turn up because he chose not to after seeing them on Boxing Day.

He refuses to have them overnight on a weekly basis. Our divorce papers said he should take them for four full weeks a year (during the school holidays) but he’s not once stuck to it. He’s always refused to take them on a Friday or Saturday night because he doesn’t want me to have a social life or be able to move on with a new relationship. He’s down to the occasional three night school holiday overstay and I think that’ll stop soon too.

I feel so ashamed for choosing him to be the father on my children. Being young and naive doesn’t mean we deserve this. He only thinks of himself and his immediate wants and needs.

I know there will be people reading this who think I’m wrong to write about such a personal matter publicly. I’d probably think that if I saw someone else posting this. If I were writing on here about grief/depression/illness, I think it’d be more easily accepted. I know that people don’t want to hear someone complaining about their ex and it may appear as bitterness.

I don’t care anymore about what happened when we were a couple. I don’t care anymore about our terrible divorce. I am deeply hurting about his detachment and disregard of our children.

I know he’ll never change and there’s nothing I can do to control his actions. I’ve learned from experience that speaking with him won’t make a bit of difference. But I feel such rage and sorrow, and I don’t know what to do with it.

For posting this on Facebook
OP posts:
YouveGotAFastCar · 31/12/2023 16:21

No, don’t post it.

Send it to a couple of close friends privately if you want advice, or a moan, but no good will come from sharing it widely. You’ll just be inviting a load of people to gawk at what’s happening and your life decisions.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:22

what on earth will that demonstrate?

Catsknowbest · 31/12/2023 16:23

Hey OP. I don't think you're wrong to post this- better to get it off your chest anonymously. I also don't think you should feel ashamed for him being your children's father. How were you to know it would turn out like this? I don't have specific advice but what I will say is that it sounds as if you are devoted to your children. Sadly I don't think he is and that in time will be his loss. It is of course hard on the children too- but that is not down to you.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:24

It will descend into him saying you stop him from seeing the children and back and forth.

No. No. No.

Catsknowbest · 31/12/2023 16:25

Catsknowbest · 31/12/2023 16:23

Hey OP. I don't think you're wrong to post this- better to get it off your chest anonymously. I also don't think you should feel ashamed for him being your children's father. How were you to know it would turn out like this? I don't have specific advice but what I will say is that it sounds as if you are devoted to your children. Sadly I don't think he is and that in time will be his loss. It is of course hard on the children too- but that is not down to you.

To clarify posting here is fine. I wouldn't post the CMS screen shot on social media

FIuffy · 31/12/2023 16:25

It’s ok to be angry, but it’s not ok to air your children’s business on social media.

Arata · 31/12/2023 16:25

I wouldn’t post something like that on FB etc. I know it’s difficult not to get angry and the need to vent but what would it achieve? A few likes? A few comments?

It sounds like your doing absolutely amazing as a sole parent Flowers

You don’t need validation of how your children will look to YOU for comfort when they hurt themselves or how they come to YOU with their problems or worries, YOU did that and YOU have been there for your children over the last 6 years not him.

At the end of the day you can’t force him to take more to do with the children and I know that hurts. Put your rage and sorrow into your children and your own life. You’re better than a post on social media 💕

Atriskofscurvy · 31/12/2023 16:25

Don’t post it on FB but get back in touch with the CSA. How can he be able to get away without paying anything at all? How does that happen?

Catsknowbest · 31/12/2023 16:27

Atriskofscurvy · 31/12/2023 16:25

Don’t post it on FB but get back in touch with the CSA. How can he be able to get away without paying anything at all? How does that happen?

Yes you need an explanation of that. Given up his job?

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 31/12/2023 16:27

FIuffy · 31/12/2023 16:25

It’s ok to be angry, but it’s not ok to air your children’s business on social media.

Yes this. Keep your dignity OP.

FlyingCherub · 31/12/2023 16:27

Don't do it.

Your dignity is worth far more than any reaction than this will get you.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:28

So he’s unemployed?

Zanatdy · 31/12/2023 16:30

Don’t do it. God I’ve felt like it over the years but it will just give people on there for a drama fox their daily dose of drama.

crostini · 31/12/2023 16:31

No!

This is your children's private business. It could get back to them via gossiping parents in front of kids and onto the playground.

Also your kids could see it themselves as they get older.

And what does it achieve/demonstrate... nothing. You know he's trash and that's all that matters.

chompargh · 31/12/2023 16:32

I think its bloody ridiculous to post this on Facebook frankly. Rise above it. Provide for your kids. They'll know he's a waste of space.

Chaiilatte · 31/12/2023 16:33

Don't post it on Facebook. Send it to your friends and family privately if you have to. Even though he sounds awful it's just bringing embarrassment to yourself posting stuff like that on FB. Jeremy Kyle style of handling things.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:33

the fact you are even remotely considering this OP would suggest you are very far from usually a “private person”

Gazelda · 31/12/2023 16:37

I strongly suspect that the people who you love and who's opinion matters to you already know what a shit he is. And I've no doubt they're proud of you for being a strong parent to your DC.

Even up your ex ILs probably admire you.

Don't spoil that by posting on FB. It won't make him a better father. It won't change anything in your life. It won't mean your DC have a better childhood.

Scream and shout about the bastard on here. You deserve to be able to get it off your chest. It'll be good to get rid of the pent up anger. But don't post it publicly and identifiably because you're and the DC will be the ones to suffer.

MiIIieee · 31/12/2023 16:37

It would achieve absolutely nothing

milkysmum · 31/12/2023 16:38

My ex husband sounds similar, actually probably worse. He doesn't pay any maintenance at all for our 2 children and has never had them over night or had any regular contact in 5 years. He might see them for a few weeks, disappears for months, sends a texts promising things will be different etc. he forgot youngest sons birthday in September and didn't ring to say happy Christmas. It's 6 months now since he last saw them.
I haven't ever posted on social media though despite the hurt and hatred I feel, there would be no gain.

Gymmum82 · 31/12/2023 16:38

Not on Facebook no. I would however tell his parents and ask if they are prepared to support their grandchildren since their useless son is incapable of not only being their parent but also providing any monetary support.
I would be mortified if I’d raised such a son

WhateverMate · 31/12/2023 16:39

FIuffy · 31/12/2023 16:25

It’s ok to be angry, but it’s not ok to air your children’s business on social media.

This.

I'm so sorry op Flowers

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:41

Gymmum82 · 31/12/2023 16:38

Not on Facebook no. I would however tell his parents and ask if they are prepared to support their grandchildren since their useless son is incapable of not only being their parent but also providing any monetary support.
I would be mortified if I’d raised such a son

well presumably the mother is very much aware of the situation given her involvement

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:42

if you think he can pay maintenance OP and is commuting fraud by not paying tax and reporting no income… then actually hit him where it hurts and report him to DWP

AndSoFinally · 31/12/2023 16:43

Why is it goi g to 0? Are the children older or has he quit work?