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AIBU?

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Original poster

For posting this on Facebook

74 replies

RoastyToastyBaps · 31/12/2023 16:18

I’m normally a pretty private person but I have to get this off my chest. Argh!!! I don’t know whether to post it or not……

It’s been six years since I left my ex-husband and I’ve never said a bad word about him on social media. We had a very messy divorce and I didn’t want to turn my personal pain into entertainment. There have been so many awful things he’s done to me and my family, and I’ve always tried to keep my head held high and be the bigger person.

But my heart breaks at how badly he treats our children. I’m so jealous of other separated parents who continue to co-parent their children and remain amicable for the children’s sake. The sad truth is he doesn’t want to be a father. He doesn’t want the responsibility. He doesn’t want to spend time with them. Actions speak louder than words and he’s always got an excuse.

He’s never paid me a penny more than the child maintenance services force him to, and the week before Christmas they sent me this text to tell me I’ll be getting nothing from January 2024. I cried my eyes out when I found out.

I tell people I’m not a single parent, I’m a sole parent. I raise them completely by myself and I love them more than anything in this world. There’s times it’s amazingly wonderful and other times it’s really hard. He’s always refused to be involved with their care including speech therapy, hobbies, school work etc.

His mother picks them up and drops them off every second Saturday, and he’s meant to spend the day with them at his parent’s house - but he’s often away playing golf or out with the latest girlfriend. He was meant to see them yesterday but didn’t turn up because he chose not to after seeing them on Boxing Day.

He refuses to have them overnight on a weekly basis. Our divorce papers said he should take them for four full weeks a year (during the school holidays) but he’s not once stuck to it. He’s always refused to take them on a Friday or Saturday night because he doesn’t want me to have a social life or be able to move on with a new relationship. He’s down to the occasional three night school holiday overstay and I think that’ll stop soon too.

I feel so ashamed for choosing him to be the father on my children. Being young and naive doesn’t mean we deserve this. He only thinks of himself and his immediate wants and needs.

I know there will be people reading this who think I’m wrong to write about such a personal matter publicly. I’d probably think that if I saw someone else posting this. If I were writing on here about grief/depression/illness, I think it’d be more easily accepted. I know that people don’t want to hear someone complaining about their ex and it may appear as bitterness.

I don’t care anymore about what happened when we were a couple. I don’t care anymore about our terrible divorce. I am deeply hurting about his detachment and disregard of our children.

I know he’ll never change and there’s nothing I can do to control his actions. I’ve learned from experience that speaking with him won’t make a bit of difference. But I feel such rage and sorrow, and I don’t know what to do with it.

For posting this on Facebook
OP posts:
rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:44

AndSoFinally · 31/12/2023 16:43

Why is it goi g to 0? Are the children older or has he quit work?

indeed, zero is actually very rare.

idontlikealdi · 31/12/2023 16:45

Please don't.

MadameCamembert · 31/12/2023 16:45

Actually, I understand your desire to publicly shame him. However, you need to prioritise your dignity.

Ring the CSA first thing Tuesday.

I wouldn’t keep it secret in private conversation with mutual friends though.

Notalldogs23 · 31/12/2023 16:46

Check with CSA - even if he's on benefits he would be required to contribute something. If he's claiming that he's not working or claiming any benefits, let his parents know, they're involved so may be able to shame him into supporting his kids. Look into any benefits you may be able to get if your incomings have reduced.

You can't force him to take an interest in his kids but it means that you can make all the decisions about them without having to negotiate with him, which is a big plus.

This is a great place to vent, Facebook isn't
.

compactopera · 31/12/2023 16:47

Don't post that on Facebook.

No good will come of publishing stuff like that under your own name and it will haunt you.

If you were involved in a high profile accident or tragedy and the press googled you, do you want that being republished in newspapers?

Future employers reading it?

People you thought were your friends bitching about you behind your back using that as fuel?

Your Facebook being memorialised after you die with that on it?

Delete it.

MadameCamembert · 31/12/2023 16:47

Gymmum82 · 31/12/2023 16:38

Not on Facebook no. I would however tell his parents and ask if they are prepared to support their grandchildren since their useless son is incapable of not only being their parent but also providing any monetary support.
I would be mortified if I’d raised such a son

Also, this.

If this was a grandchild of mine I’d be happy to contribute and reflect this in the respective child’s inheritance.

chompargh · 31/12/2023 16:50

I'm a bit worried you'd think it even remotely ok to do this. It's so cringe. It's undignified. It's all very attention seeky and wronged bitter ex. Just get on with your life.

SaucepanRattle · 31/12/2023 16:50

Share it on here but don't share it on Facebook.

He's an absolute arsehole but public shame will just have him double down on his shit behaviour and (if it's possible) it could get even worse.

I would share it with his mum though and ask if everything is alright with his job because that's the only reason you can think of why he's no longer paying for his own children.

compactopera · 31/12/2023 16:51

But I feel such rage and sorrow, and I don’t know what to do with it.

There are so many better ways to manage difficult emotions than humiliating yourself on Facebook.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anger/managing-anger/

You feel powerless and you want to feel in control again, but if you publish something like that you open yourself up to attack and judgement and ultimately lose control of your privacy forever. You have far more power by dealing with it privately.

millymog11 · 31/12/2023 16:59

OP I might have missed this bit but your comment
"He’s never paid me a penny more than the child maintenance services force him to, and the week before Christmas they sent me this text to tell me I’ll be getting nothing from January 2024."

What has changed which means he now will be paying nothing?

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 17:02

MadameCamembert · 31/12/2023 16:45

Actually, I understand your desire to publicly shame him. However, you need to prioritise your dignity.

Ring the CSA first thing Tuesday.

I wouldn’t keep it secret in private conversation with mutual friends though.

if he has been deemed liable for zero is means that he has no income whatsoever as indeed even if just on benefits he would be liable to pay a nominal amount

the fact it is zero means
no income at all
or
children aren’t of an age

if no income at all, but the OP knows otherwise, then farting around on FB is going to do bugger all. And if she knows it’s fraud, then she needs to bloody report it

Sapphire387 · 31/12/2023 17:07

I'd consider posting a rant about how rubbish the CSA is, how the system doesn't work, etc, without specifically referencing your ex. But people will get what you mean.

chompargh · 31/12/2023 17:08

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 17:02

if he has been deemed liable for zero is means that he has no income whatsoever as indeed even if just on benefits he would be liable to pay a nominal amount

the fact it is zero means
no income at all
or
children aren’t of an age

if no income at all, but the OP knows otherwise, then farting around on FB is going to do bugger all. And if she knows it’s fraud, then she needs to bloody report it

Show quote history

Maybe he's dead

barkymcbark · 31/12/2023 17:13

I'd call CMS on Tuesday and find out what's happened. Even claiming benefits I think you pay a nominal amount each month, £7 I think

MadameCamembert · 31/12/2023 17:14

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 17:02

if he has been deemed liable for zero is means that he has no income whatsoever as indeed even if just on benefits he would be liable to pay a nominal amount

the fact it is zero means
no income at all
or
children aren’t of an age

if no income at all, but the OP knows otherwise, then farting around on FB is going to do bugger all. And if she knows it’s fraud, then she needs to bloody report it

Show quote history

Well in that case he’d need to get a job, wouldn’t be? Imagine if mothers just walked away and didn’t provide.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 17:15

MadameCamembert · 31/12/2023 17:14

Well in that case he’d need to get a job, wouldn’t be? Imagine if mothers just walked away and didn’t provide.

Show quote history

by the sounds of it this man needs to do a shit load

but it’s not really relevant to my particular point.

chompargh · 31/12/2023 17:17

MadameCamembert · 31/12/2023 17:14

Well in that case he’d need to get a job, wouldn’t be? Imagine if mothers just walked away and didn’t provide.

Show quote history

No one is disputing that. Unless he's in a coma.

MadameCamembert · 31/12/2023 17:19

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 17:15

by the sounds of it this man needs to do a shit load

but it’s not really relevant to my particular point.

Show quote history

Here’s a thought - could it be a fake message from one of those pay to send a text websites? (Not sure if they still exist).

As you said, unless he’s dead I can’t see how he wouldn’t be liable for a penny - even if on Jobseeker’s Allowance.

Thementalloadisreal · 31/12/2023 17:21

OP you are in the right here, just know that and don’t put it on FB. I hope putting it on here was cathartic enough for you. Being the bigger person sucks but you don’t want to open yourself up to gossip or criticism.
Investigate the payment thing, £0 can’t be right. Mention it to his mum, I hope she’s ashamed of him.

2jacqi · 31/12/2023 17:22

@RoastyToastyBaps sorry but why the hell is his mother picking up his kids?? his mother has no rights. if he does not want to see his kids then no one else from his family should be seeing them! why is the csa money being stopped from jan 2024? there must be a valid reason if your children are still young. he does sound like a right arsehole though!

Original poster
RoastyToastyBaps · 31/12/2023 17:23

His parents won’t care. His mum used to complain to me about him when we were together “I only hear from him when he wants something” and on her birthday/Mother’s Day I’d buy her a present and go visit her by myself. But she’s refused to speak with me since I left him as she now believes he’s perfect and I just expect too much of a man. His father is either working or at the pub and does all he can to avoid spending any time with his family/wife. You can see where he gets it from.

We have no contact because he harassed me and I had to block him on everything. (Police were involved to get him to leave me alone)

My maintenance got reduced last year and I heard through the grapevine that he’d reduced his working hours. I had to increase my working hours to cover the loss. I assume he’s now either quit his job or been fired. He’s bone idle lazy. I did call CMS and they said they thought it was wrong and I should get £9.50 per week for two children. It won’t pay for anything. It might as well be zero. I’m so sick of having to be the responsible one. I sacrifice and he continues to live his life however he wants. I got told today he’s all over social media on recent weekends away with the new girlfriend, golfing and various nights out. It’s really upset me.

OP posts:
StaunchMomma · 31/12/2023 17:26

So far you've had the luxury of being the bigger person. If you post that to SM you will lose that privilege and he'll use it to prove to everyone that he's the 'good guy'.

I'm sure it's terribly hurtful and difficult, but you need to find a way to get past this, OP.

I'd be on to CSA to check this on Tuesday morning. If it is the case, can you speak to someone at your local council about benefits you're entitled to? Nobody would look poorly on you for taking any help you're entitled to in your position.

I really think you'd be best shifting your attentions from anger and frustration to helping your kids deal with having a shit Dad and finding a good babysitter so you can start having a personal life again. Don't let him control your life, OP. Remove yourself from his emotional control and take charge of your life.

Original poster
RoastyToastyBaps · 31/12/2023 17:28

cms won’t tell me if he’s lost his job etc as it’s against the data protection act. He sold his fiat a few years ago and moved back in with his parents because he has a gambling addiction and couldn’t continue to pay the bills by himself. He refuses to get on a bus to the next town to pick them up or drop them off so his mother does it. She feeds them when they’re there. She totally enables his irresponsible shitty behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoastyToastyBaps · 31/12/2023 17:30

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:24

It will descend into him saying you stop him from seeing the children and back and forth.

No. No. No.

He’s unlikely to see it. I’ve blocked him and most of the mutual contacts we had.

OP posts:
FatFemale · 31/12/2023 17:31

Get onto CSA and make sure its updated with his actual childcare eg no overnights etc. bastard. Write the message but keep it aside for the time being. If you have to use it, public post, unblock the mutual friends and shame him. There will be backlash tho, be prepared