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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my brother and unable to forgive him?

72 replies

pinkcoco · 31/12/2023 16:16

I have tried to forgive my brother and move on but I just dont like him as a person and he is still a nasty piece of work he was all those years ago.

He threw me out of my parents when I was 18 and I was homeless for months.
Prior to that he made my life hell and would hit me, verbally abuse me and threatened to shave my hair off.
All because I did what normal teenagers did my age.

He is still the same now and his kids are just like him.

He bullies my parents because he expected them to babysit his kids whilst him and his wife went to work.

He has upset my cousin who is like our sister by befriending her ex husband who cheated on her and got another woman pregnant.

He will mock members of our family and make jokes which arent even funny.

He is 12 years older then me and I am due to move back to be closer to my parents/ hometown where he also lives.

I am married now with kids of my own now.

I know with living round the corner him and his toxic wife will both invite themselves over with their kids (who have no manners and have a habit of nosing in people's wardrobes and stealing things).
The kids are teenagers.

We dont want them coming to our house.

We are moving to be closer to my parents and to help them.

I have tried to forgive him and move past what happened by maintaining regular contact and making an effort with his kids especially at birthdays and Christmas but I just dont like them.

Im not sure if I should address this before I move or wait until him and his wife decide to invite themselves over?

His wife is a real nasty piece of work too, she bullies my parents and nobody in our family like her.
He has actually gotten worse since marrying her.

Nobody in my family stands up to him and I feel maybe I am being unreasonable to feel like this given that nobody else says anything to him?

OP posts:
rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:19

You parents utterly failed you by allowing this to happen and even allowing his to throw you out. They failed you catastrophically

Fraaahnces · 31/12/2023 16:19

Firstly, why are you moving to help your parents? Surely they were involved in the decision to kick you out. This sounds insane!

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:20

He is 12 years older then me and I am due to move back to be closer to my parents/ hometown where he also lives

why on earth would you be doing this? It is as though you are inviting drama in to yours and your children’s lives.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:21

Nobody in my family stands up to him

Including you and your husband

Spirallingdownwards · 31/12/2023 16:21

Don't allow him nor his family in your house. This is within your control. I am unsure why you have chosen to move back to help parents who enabled him to treat you this way.

Just avoid him and his family as much as possible. And simply don't allow them in your own house.

ChanelNo19EDT · 31/12/2023 16:22

He threw you out of your parents' house, wow, sounds like he rules the roost. How weak are they?

I would back away from the dysfunction.

Original poster
pinkcoco · 31/12/2023 16:23

My parents had no say, my brother is a very intimidating man and they have been scared of him since he hit my dad when he was 17.

My parents have apologised and we have made amends and they have been a good support system for me when I had my first child and had PND.

OP posts:
rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:26

My parents had no say

FFS OP.

Would you allow your children to be abused under your own roof?

FictionalCharacter · 31/12/2023 16:27

I know with living round the corner him and his toxic wife will both invite themselves over with their kids

Well don't let them in. Don't be so passive. You need to stand up to them.

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 31/12/2023 16:28

pinkcoco · 31/12/2023 16:23

My parents had no say, my brother is a very intimidating man and they have been scared of him since he hit my dad when he was 17.

My parents have apologised and we have made amends and they have been a good support system for me when I had my first child and had PND.

Your parents had a duty to protect you in a way your brother didn’t. Imo your parents are more to blame than your brother.

Shithole101 · 31/12/2023 16:28

pinkcoco · 31/12/2023 16:23

My parents had no say, my brother is a very intimidating man and they have been scared of him since he hit my dad when he was 17.

My parents have apologised and we have made amends and they have been a good support system for me when I had my first child and had PND.

Sounds like it would be an idea for your parents to move away from all the shit sounds like your parents abd you are better away from him. I know its not always as easy as just move . But it could be worth looking into

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:30

Your parents have done a real number on you Op

LBFseBrom · 31/12/2023 16:32

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:19

You parents utterly failed you by allowing this to happen and even allowing his to throw you out. They failed you catastrophically

I must say I wondered about that. If it was your parents' house, and not his, how come he threw you out?

As your brother is so obnoxious it might be a better idea for your parents to move closer to you rather than the other way around.

sesquipedalian · 31/12/2023 16:32

Is your husband happy about your moving closer to your toxic brother? Will he put up with him and his wife “dropping in” and stealing things? Will you be able to refuse to see them if you want to? Sounds to me that this house move is a disaster waiting to happen. Op, you really need to think long and hard before moving - why don’t your parents move nearer you if they need help?

Bladwdoda · 31/12/2023 16:32

You really need to address this BEFORE you decide to move closer to your brother. Personally, given what an awful person he sounds, I think you should send him a text telling him you are cutting contact with him and then block him on every mode of contact. Make sure to inform friends and family that you do not wish them to update him with any of your personal information.

If you can cut contact with him op then personally I don’t think you should move close. Sounds like he is very abusive and enabled by others to be abusive. P

ExtraOnions · 31/12/2023 16:34

What did you do “that normal teenagers do” ?

I agree with others, your parents failed in their parenting responsibilities.

Your parents could have said “no” to babysitting.

Staying friendly with the cousins ex .. lots of people do it (even siblings ex’s)

If you don’t want them coming to your house, tell them not to come. You don’t have to like your sibling, and you don’t have to see them.

Confused about moving back to look after parents, when they have enabled him.

You aren’t a powerless victim in all this, you have a choice about what relationship you choose to have / not to have

notthatthis · 31/12/2023 16:34

I don't see why you are causing yourself so much stress and trouble. I feel sorry for your husband and kids.

Ghostwritersinc · 31/12/2023 16:37

If you do decide to move closer, and seriously think carefully about your reasons for doing this, make sure you are as far away from their house as you can, the other side of town for example, at least then walking around to yours on a whim will be much harder for them.
I would personally try and limit all
contact, whether you move not, you do not have to have them in your life.

porridgecrumble · 31/12/2023 16:38

My elderly friends were very badly bullied by their son. Eventually the police managed to catch him in the act of physically assaulting his mother and he was arrested. This was after years of begging for help from police and social services and mental health services. He moved back into their house and virtually kept them prisoners. He wanted the house.
I agree with pp that the best solution would be for parents to move nearer you and as far away from him as possible. He sounds dangerous.

Prayfortheangels · 31/12/2023 16:41

I wouldn't be forgiving your parents either.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 31/12/2023 16:47

I'm sorry OP, but your parents could and should have got family help when he hit your dad, not rolled under and let him take control. Presumably they weren't elderly then, and they had a duty of care for you.

OK for you to make your peace with them, but moving closer to your entire family to care for them? Why can't your brother and his family care for them? You don't owe anyone anything, other than your current immediate family - your DH and children.

2jacqi · 31/12/2023 16:49

@pinkcoco your parents must be either very weak or very afraid of him!! who was he to throw you out of your parents house? why did they not stand up for you and tell him to leave?? you do not need to let anyone into your house if you dont want to and to be honest unless your parents or you tell them where you are living then how would they even know??? you can, if necessary, take out an interdict against them which would stop them approaching you or your home. the police need to be telephoned the first time they try to come to your house though. just dont let them in. you should actually not be in contact with your brother and his family. they sound hellish!

MzHz · 31/12/2023 16:50

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:19

You parents utterly failed you by allowing this to happen and even allowing his to throw you out. They failed you catastrophically

Yes, this. You don’t owe them anything at all. Don’t move to their area. Stay put and be happy.

let your revolting brother and his wife do it all.

take the chance at happiness when you see it.’

MaryHinges · 31/12/2023 16:50

I think that my greatest concern would be that as nobody will say anything about his behaviour off their own back, they are just as unlikely to back you up when you tell him yourself how you really feel which runs the risk of him isolating you even further from your wider family, rather than being closer.

GalileoHumpkins · 31/12/2023 16:52

You are making a massive mistake moving anywhere near them, is it too late to back out?
They will make your life a misery.

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