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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my brother and unable to forgive him?

72 replies

pinkcoco · 31/12/2023 16:16

I have tried to forgive my brother and move on but I just dont like him as a person and he is still a nasty piece of work he was all those years ago.

He threw me out of my parents when I was 18 and I was homeless for months.
Prior to that he made my life hell and would hit me, verbally abuse me and threatened to shave my hair off.
All because I did what normal teenagers did my age.

He is still the same now and his kids are just like him.

He bullies my parents because he expected them to babysit his kids whilst him and his wife went to work.

He has upset my cousin who is like our sister by befriending her ex husband who cheated on her and got another woman pregnant.

He will mock members of our family and make jokes which arent even funny.

He is 12 years older then me and I am due to move back to be closer to my parents/ hometown where he also lives.

I am married now with kids of my own now.

I know with living round the corner him and his toxic wife will both invite themselves over with their kids (who have no manners and have a habit of nosing in people's wardrobes and stealing things).
The kids are teenagers.

We dont want them coming to our house.

We are moving to be closer to my parents and to help them.

I have tried to forgive him and move past what happened by maintaining regular contact and making an effort with his kids especially at birthdays and Christmas but I just dont like them.

Im not sure if I should address this before I move or wait until him and his wife decide to invite themselves over?

His wife is a real nasty piece of work too, she bullies my parents and nobody in our family like her.
He has actually gotten worse since marrying her.

Nobody in my family stands up to him and I feel maybe I am being unreasonable to feel like this given that nobody else says anything to him?

OP posts:
2jacqi · 31/12/2023 16:54

@pinkcoco sadly some posters on mumsnet will not take any advice, good or bad!!! on your own head be it! you need to be a lot stronger than this.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:55

you won’t be back sadly op

but your children will grow up seeing their parents and grandparents bossed around and abused by a bully.

His children have adopted his traits

and if your children adopt your traits they will be simpering apologists

Sparklesocks · 31/12/2023 16:56

Your parents allowed their child to be homeless due to their weakness in standing up to their other child. They failed both you and your brother in different ways. You sound better off without any of them, frankly.

mamacorn1 · 31/12/2023 16:56

If you move your life, and the lives of your children, will be entangled in this nightmare. Why on earth would you do that?!
ask your parents to move closer to you and make your own family unit. Stay away from
your brother and his family. No good will come
of this - but I suspect you know that based on what you wrote.

AlisonDonut · 31/12/2023 16:57

No. You won't be able to. Sorry but you need to reconsider moving back there. This would be the wrong move.

Onelifeonly · 31/12/2023 16:58

pinkcoco · 31/12/2023 16:23

My parents had no say, my brother is a very intimidating man and they have been scared of him since he hit my dad when he was 17.

My parents have apologised and we have made amends and they have been a good support system for me when I had my first child and had PND.

They could have reported him to the police.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:59

Prior to that he made my life hell and would hit me, verbally abuse me and threatened to shave my hair off.

i read this and think
Well he is clearly psychotic

and

Your parents are utterly despicable

Notalldogs23 · 31/12/2023 17:00

If you do move, don't let him into your house - I think you need to be upfront and tell him that you want to be civil for your parents sake, but that you both know you don't get on and don't want to force a relationship, so you won't call in to visit him and you won't welcome him, or any of his family, into your home.

Though if you haven't arranged accommodation yet, I would seriously reconsider the move - or if you do move to be near your parents move nearby, but not around the corner.

I'm NC with my toxic brother, and while we're in the same city it's different areas so I never bump into him. I'd find it very hard if I thought I was at risk of bumping into him in the supermarket etc. You don't want your kids bumping into their horrible cousins or being in the same school as them.

TheNoodlesIncident · 31/12/2023 17:01

I think it would personally make more sense for your parents to move away from being located near to him, than for you to move closer. What on earth are any of you thinking?! He's abusive to all of you and his wife and children are the same. Why are you still in contact with them? I don't understand why you would do this nor why your DH is allowing it. Like hell would I be moving my dearly loved family to expose them to toxic behaviour like that!

I'd have blocked them all round, moved away and gone non-contact long ago. If your parents are too entrenched to get free, that's very sad but no way would I be allowing them to drag me down too. Their choice to allow their toxic son to boss them around, you don't have to follow suit.

clopper · 31/12/2023 17:02

If anything get your parents to move away to near you! Don’t let these awful people into your home or life

PBandJ111 · 31/12/2023 17:04

Your patents actively played a role. But why would your patents not move closer to you? Youre making a mistake by going back. And if you do, ban your brother and his family from your house.

BMW6 · 31/12/2023 17:08

Bonkers to move closer to him OP - why can't your parents move away from him nearer to you ? Why will you have any contact with him at all?

Your parents failed you utterly unless your "teenage behaviour" was really bad.

All very odd. Protect YOUR family by refusing to have anything to do with shitty people, whether related or not!

If your parents won't cut contact with him that's their lookout.

Christmasisspecial · 31/12/2023 17:10

Ask your parents to move closer to you. Go no contact with abusive brother. Don't move and enmesh your children even further in this mess than they are. You need to protect them from abusive uncle, aunt and probably cousins.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/12/2023 17:11

"We are moving to be closer to my parents and to help them."

DO NOT MOVE CLOSER TO YOUR TOXIC FAMILY.

Seriously, just don't. You don't want them coming to your house? Tough, they're going to do just that - and barge past you if you try to block them. And go into your bedroom, your wardrobes, you cupboards and your drawers, and yes they're going to take your stuff whether you like it or not. If you give a set of spare keys to your parents, they're going to bully them to hand them over and be in your house when you're not even there.

How does that make you feel?

It should absolutely horrify you and fill you with dread.

If your parents need help, they can move closer to you. Or, they can reap what they have sown by allowing their son to throw their 18-year-old daughter out of the house and make her homeless, after years of merciless bullying. I actually don't care that he bullied them too - they were the adults in the room. Did they come looking for you, help you find somewhere to live, give you money for rent? You didn't mention it, so I'm going to assume 'NO, THEY DID NOT'.

DO NOT MOVE CLOSER TO YOUR TOXIC FAMILY.

Sunnydays0101 · 31/12/2023 17:18

You are walking yourself and your family into a disaster. You have choices;

  1. Do not move back to this area.
  2. Suggest your parents move to your area.
  3. Move and inform your brother in advance that neither he or his family will be allowed across your doorstep.
  4. Wait until you move and do not allow him across your doorstep.

Really though, there is no way I’d move back there.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 31/12/2023 17:18

Surely the obvious thing is for your parents to move nearer you. Preferably as far away from you brother as possible.

AllAroundMyCat · 31/12/2023 17:28

Sorry OP, I agree with everyone else.

Your parents allowed you to be bullied out of your home and be bullied since.

Just explain to us all why you should move closer to your parents.

Snowdogsmitten · 31/12/2023 17:38

Jesus fucking Christ. Say no to him, or better still, don’t bother moving back.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 17:41

seriously can people stop suggesting the parents should move towards the OP

a) these parents don’t have a spine between them so you think they’ll move away from their son because the Op wants them to?

b) why the hell would you be encouraging parents who oversaw the serious abuse of their daughter under the own roof

baffling

Shithole101 · 31/12/2023 17:47

pinkcoco · 31/12/2023 16:23

My parents had no say, my brother is a very intimidating man and they have been scared of him since he hit my dad when he was 17.

My parents have apologised and we have made amends and they have been a good support system for me when I had my first child and had PND.

Most people seem to be missing this post. Op says they have made amends. The op now has a good relationship with her parents. So what's the point of keep going back to your parents fucked up. Op knows this. They made amends they have move forward in terns of their relationship.

I can understand why op has not come back

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 17:50

@Shithole101

maybe revisit the Op to see what these parents (whoopsie do they’ve apologised) oversaw. Physical and mental abuse under their roof and then their teen daughter kicked out and homeless for a month.

Something are a bit too much

but in your mind… clearly this is ok as long as you apologise

Pigeonqueen · 31/12/2023 17:54

You are in a huge amount of denial about your parents. I can understand that because it’s painful to accept otherwise but you honestly would be better without any of them in your life - I say that as someone who had a terrible narcissistic mother that nearly destroyed my life and my dh is completely non contact with his whole family. You aren’t seeing things clearly at all.

ALonelyRoad · 31/12/2023 17:58

I agree that it would probably be better for your parents to move if they need help.

If you are set on the move, you need really firm boundaries in place. Don't allow them in your home and keep contact to a minimum.

WhyAmINotCleaning · 31/12/2023 17:58

notthatthis · 31/12/2023 16:34

I don't see why you are causing yourself so much stress and trouble. I feel sorry for your husband and kids.

This. If you can't look out for yourself, at least do so for your kids.

BethDuttonsTwin · 31/12/2023 18:01

Are there some cultural issues involved here OP. Oldest son, parents allowing him to be “Head Of The Family” etc?