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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To dislike my brother and unable to forgive him?

72 replies

pinkcoco · 31/12/2023 16:16

I have tried to forgive my brother and move on but I just dont like him as a person and he is still a nasty piece of work he was all those years ago.

He threw me out of my parents when I was 18 and I was homeless for months.
Prior to that he made my life hell and would hit me, verbally abuse me and threatened to shave my hair off.
All because I did what normal teenagers did my age.

He is still the same now and his kids are just like him.

He bullies my parents because he expected them to babysit his kids whilst him and his wife went to work.

He has upset my cousin who is like our sister by befriending her ex husband who cheated on her and got another woman pregnant.

He will mock members of our family and make jokes which arent even funny.

He is 12 years older then me and I am due to move back to be closer to my parents/ hometown where he also lives.

I am married now with kids of my own now.

I know with living round the corner him and his toxic wife will both invite themselves over with their kids (who have no manners and have a habit of nosing in people's wardrobes and stealing things).
The kids are teenagers.

We dont want them coming to our house.

We are moving to be closer to my parents and to help them.

I have tried to forgive him and move past what happened by maintaining regular contact and making an effort with his kids especially at birthdays and Christmas but I just dont like them.

Im not sure if I should address this before I move or wait until him and his wife decide to invite themselves over?

His wife is a real nasty piece of work too, she bullies my parents and nobody in our family like her.
He has actually gotten worse since marrying her.

Nobody in my family stands up to him and I feel maybe I am being unreasonable to feel like this given that nobody else says anything to him?

OP posts:

ManateeFair · 31/12/2023 18:07

I know with living round the corner him and his toxic wife will both invite themselves over

Then do what you should have done years ago and tell him to fuck off out your life forever.

I have tried to forgive him and move past what happened by maintaining regular contact

WHY? This man physically and emotionally abused you and your parents. Why the fuck would you have wanted regular contact with this man? He’s a complete cunt. You don’t owe him (or his kids) anything at all.

Have you had some therapy around this because right now it seems like you’re basically trauma-bonded to this piece of shit.

huuskymam · 31/12/2023 18:10

Sorry, but you'd be mad to move your kids closer to such a toxic family. If you really want to help/care for your parents, they're the ones that should move nearer to you. You'll be making your kids new targets for your brothers bully kids.

Octowussy · 31/12/2023 18:17

Don't be the person who has to make another thread in a years time about what a mess you're in

Shithole101 · 31/12/2023 18:19

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 17:50

@Shithole101

maybe revisit the Op to see what these parents (whoopsie do they’ve apologised) oversaw. Physical and mental abuse under their roof and then their teen daughter kicked out and homeless for a month.

Something are a bit too much

but in your mind… clearly this is ok as long as you apologise

That's not down to me or anyone else. It's between op and her parents. I doubt very much they just said oops sorry. It could have taken along time to make amends. Op said they now have a good relationship so I take ops word for that after all its her situation.

FannyFifer · 31/12/2023 18:20

Why the hell would you move your family near to him, what on earth are you thinking.

AuntMarysPinny · 31/12/2023 18:27

@pinkcoco the tone you use to describe the situation is bizarre, like you're describing an outrageous story happening to someone else. It's YOUR life! Stop being passive and letting things happen to you when you could have control. You have a choice about whether you see or speak to any of these abusive shits again or cut them out of life. They can't make you part of the drama, you choose to be - and you're moving closer to be in it even more! Unbelievable. Your poor kids are going to be fucked up by the time you and your family are done with them.

Original poster

pinkcoco · 31/12/2023 18:35

Most of my family still live in my hometown with whom I have good close relationships with.

Me and my parents have made amends and it was only after becoming a mother myself that we were able to build bridges and develop a good relationship.
They really supported me and became my rock.

The rest of my family are really nice genuine people and I want my kids to be able to get to know them whilst they are still young instead of just visiting a few times a year.

It really is just my brother who is an abusive bully.

OP posts:

stomachameleon · 31/12/2023 18:36

@AuntMarysPinny ditto I am afraid.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 18:36

Shithole101 · 31/12/2023 18:19

Show quote history

following that logic

anyone who posts anything on mumsnet… you could say it’s between the op and them

Bladwdoda · 31/12/2023 18:38

pinkcoco · 31/12/2023 18:35

Most of my family still live in my hometown with whom I have good close relationships with.

Me and my parents have made amends and it was only after becoming a mother myself that we were able to build bridges and develop a good relationship.
They really supported me and became my rock.

The rest of my family are really nice genuine people and I want my kids to be able to get to know them whilst they are still young instead of just visiting a few times a year.

It really is just my brother who is an abusive bully.

So just cut off your brother. If the rest of your family are supportive they should be ok with that.

StaunchMomma · 31/12/2023 18:39

pinkcoco · 31/12/2023 16:23

My parents had no say, my brother is a very intimidating man and they have been scared of him since he hit my dad when he was 17.

My parents have apologised and we have made amends and they have been a good support system for me when I had my first child and had PND.

They had a say. The could have called the Police and had him arrested for assault and kept you at home.

It's good that they've apologised and you have a better relationship with them now, but you need to stop making excuses for them.

I can understand why you might want to be there more for your parents in old age, but I think it's madness to move close by. Unless you're prepared to be incredibly firm with DB, he is going to be more involved in your DC's lives. WHY would you put them through that?!

fromhellsheartistabatthee · 31/12/2023 18:40

Of course you don't have to forgive your brother. He hasn't even apologised! And you don't have to let him or his family into your house. Get a chain and a video doorbell if necessary.

ToHellBackAndBeyond · 31/12/2023 18:52

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/12/2023 17:11

"We are moving to be closer to my parents and to help them."

DO NOT MOVE CLOSER TO YOUR TOXIC FAMILY.

Seriously, just don't. You don't want them coming to your house? Tough, they're going to do just that - and barge past you if you try to block them. And go into your bedroom, your wardrobes, you cupboards and your drawers, and yes they're going to take your stuff whether you like it or not. If you give a set of spare keys to your parents, they're going to bully them to hand them over and be in your house when you're not even there.

How does that make you feel?

It should absolutely horrify you and fill you with dread.

If your parents need help, they can move closer to you. Or, they can reap what they have sown by allowing their son to throw their 18-year-old daughter out of the house and make her homeless, after years of merciless bullying. I actually don't care that he bullied them too - they were the adults in the room. Did they come looking for you, help you find somewhere to live, give you money for rent? You didn't mention it, so I'm going to assume 'NO, THEY DID NOT'.

DO NOT MOVE CLOSER TO YOUR TOXIC FAMILY.

Edited

This ^^
Don't go near. Stay away.

Comtesse · 31/12/2023 18:54

No way would I be moving back there.

RedToothBrush · 31/12/2023 19:01

My parents had no say

Bullshit. They did. They were just too cowardly.
They could have moved. They could have got a restraining order. All sorts of options.

More fool you for moving back to help them because he won't. You are a mug.

You shouldn't move back. Let them stew.

If they really need help they can move closer to you and leave your brother out of it.

But they won't. Because they are part of the problem.

Ponoka7 · 31/12/2023 19:01

I think that you should talk it over with your parents, so you prewarn them that you won't tolerate his behaviour. Their reaction will tell you if they really do regret the past. You can't get what you want, protect your children and not have it blow up. You need to decide if you would go as far as phoning the police if he turned up.

moonbeammagic · 31/12/2023 19:05

Why would you put your children in the firing line like this? I'm sorry but you are being ridiculous, short-sighted and selfish. Your brother bullies everyone else in the family, to the extent that you were thrown out of your childhood home. Nobody in the family seems capable of standing up to him or standing up for their children, and you want to take your kids into this mess knowing how awful it will be for them. Have you considered counselling for yourself, to work through those issues which are clearly impacting your feelings of self worth and self esteem?

Rinoachicken · 31/12/2023 19:07

Wondering what your DH’s view on this is? Is he ok with moving his children within reach of a violent bully and having no say over who enters the family home or when?

DeadbeatYoda · 31/12/2023 20:32

What's to stop you standing up to him. You're allowed to say that you want nothing to do with him and h is not welcome in your home.

Cherrysoup · 31/12/2023 20:35

Ban him from your house: why on earth would you allow him in? I would want zero contact with him and his wife/kids.

OhChristmassTree · 31/12/2023 20:50

Your brother hasn't apologised or asked you for forgiveness OP, and he hasn't changed his behaviour or made amends, so of course you can't forgive him and you shouldn't!

Is your husband strong enough to stand up to him and ban him from the house? How does he feel about all this?

Its good your parents have made amends and are supportive now. You shouldn't make excuses for them though.
Your parents weren't powerless. They totally failed you. You are a mother now would you stand back and let the same thing happen to one of your children?

Sunnydays0101 · 31/12/2023 21:02

Have your parents distanced themselves from your brother ? Are they no longer afraid of him ?

Will they tell him to get lost when he tells them that they have to tell you that you have to allow your brother visit you ? Or insists on calling around when you visit your parents ?

Will your brother tell your parents to have nothing to do with you if he’s not allowed visit you ? Will your parents follow his orders ?

Will your parents revert to how they treated you when you were younger once you return back ?

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