Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

House guests

71 replies

Nicnac12 · 31/12/2023 15:15

DH was talking to his friend who lives abroad and who he has known for 30 years. She mentioned she is coming to the UK and Europe in Spring with a friend of hers who he doesn’t know; he told her they can come and stay with us whilst in the UK. He never asked me what I thought but just told me in passing. We do have a 4 bed house, however the 4th bedroom is my office (work from home) and I just don’t feel comfortable having his friend come and stay with someone we don’t know. I don’t like people staying at the best of times as I feel I need to run around, cook, clean etc and I just want to relax in the evenings. Should I just suck it up. If the situation was reversed I would have asked him what he thought before offering. We also do not live that close to London - would need to drive to a station or they would need to take a bus - 30mins to station and 50mins to London. I feel either we will need to drive them to and from the station/ and of take time off work. Not sure why they can’t stay in London and we can go see them for a day. The holiday is not planned around the friend coming to see my DH.

OP posts:
RowanMayfair · 31/12/2023 15:17

He needs to get back to her urgently and qualify the offer! She can stay for a weekend maybe and spend time with your DH? Make it clear you're not offering a base for the whole trip. What an idea! He was completely unreasonable for offering.

xyz111 · 31/12/2023 15:32

How long would they be staying for?

Original poster
Nicnac12 · 31/12/2023 15:42

Not sure, I haven’t asked yet

OP posts:
Ragruggers · 31/12/2023 16:01

Well he will be doing all the running around,cooking,cleaning .Make that clear now so he understands what it will entail.He needs to tell them that you live miles out of London and will need to take a bus to the station.Then there is no confusion when they arrive.Do not give up your office.Good luck , is he a people pleaser?

TomatoSandwiches · 31/12/2023 16:04

Don't do a thing for them, they are his guests, he gets to decide what he does or doesn't do.
Either he will mess up so badly she will never ask to stay again or he will be put out by the realisation of how much work guests can be and not offer again.

Do nothing, not one thing.

Peoplemakemedespair · 31/12/2023 16:08

I’d make it clear that on one will be in your office space so they’ll have to share a room. And I don’t see why you’d need to be taking days off work or giving lifts. They’re his guests. He can do all the running around

Original poster
Nicnac12 · 31/12/2023 16:23

If they don’t stay in the office we don’t have room as my kids have a room each any then our room. I already feel stressed thinking about them coming, especially with the thought of not knowing who the friend of the friend is. He is a people pleaser but he himself doesn’t ever like to stay at friends or family houses. I don’t think his friend asked to stay - I think he just decided to offer. Thinking I am being unreasonable in the fact I am minding but can’t shake the feeling….

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 31/12/2023 16:47

I think YABU.
When you travel to another country, it is great to have somewhere to lay your head for a while. Why would you have to run round after them ? Confused People staying - as adults - can look after themselves. A bit of advice about how to get about and access to washing machine. Accommodation in London will cost them a fortune. It is great to be able to make that saving. I imagine it will be lovely for your dh to catch up with his friend and spend a bit of time together.

SeasideA · 31/12/2023 16:51

Just say no. Let them get an Air BnB

Shinyandnew1 · 31/12/2023 16:52

If you’ll be working at home in your office then it’s not going to be possible. Have you told your husband you don’t want this to happen?

I’d be really pissed off if my husband decided to invite people to stay in my office without telling me! I’d probably contact the friend myself,

MzHz · 31/12/2023 16:54

Your DH friend of 30 years! It’s his house too and he’s entitled to invite them to stay.

if you need him to manage the visit with prep etc, then Tell him so.

ExtraOnions · 31/12/2023 16:55

Kinda depends how long it’s for .. long weekend fine, 3 months not fine.

Nobody is asking you to rush around, cook, drive or anything else, these are pressures you are putting on yourself.

BIWI · 31/12/2023 16:59

Have you asked him where he was planning for them to sleep?

And have you pointed out that you will still be working?

I don't think he's unreasonable to offer, given how long he's known the friend for - but he should have thought it through first, as well as asking you.

Original poster
Nicnac12 · 31/12/2023 17:06

If it was just his friend it would be different. It is the friends friend I feel uncomfortable about. I do not know this girl nor does my husband. Yes it is his house but if it was reversed I would ask him how he feels and not just invite without discussing. Every time his friends or family come something breaks last time it was the sink and toilet, which cost me £300 to fix and coordinate the plumber for. Time before the coat hanger which made a massive hole in the hallway wall which I had to coordinate the decorator to come fix. It is lovely to have people come and visit and I would never deprive him of seeing his friend. The trip is not to come see him. His friend was coming with her friend to the UK anyway. It is different to when his family/ friends are coming especially to see him.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 31/12/2023 17:14

It may be his house, too - but it's not his office. He doesn't get to offer anything other than the living room couch. And he'll need to do his own hosting if he railroads you like this.

NearlyMonday · 31/12/2023 17:17

This is the sort of debacle my husband would create - well intentioned but ill thought out.

You simply do not have room for these guests OP, tell your husband to withdraw offer.

Witchcraftandhokum · 31/12/2023 17:23

There's something very odd about the way you talk about 'your' house and 'your' kids. The way you speak about his family. I can't put my finger on it, but it's strange.

welcometothnuthouse · 31/12/2023 17:27

Nicnac12 · 31/12/2023 17:06

If it was just his friend it would be different. It is the friends friend I feel uncomfortable about. I do not know this girl nor does my husband. Yes it is his house but if it was reversed I would ask him how he feels and not just invite without discussing. Every time his friends or family come something breaks last time it was the sink and toilet, which cost me £300 to fix and coordinate the plumber for. Time before the coat hanger which made a massive hole in the hallway wall which I had to coordinate the decorator to come fix. It is lovely to have people come and visit and I would never deprive him of seeing his friend. The trip is not to come see him. His friend was coming with her friend to the UK anyway. It is different to when his family/ friends are coming especially to see him.

It's the damage thing that bothers me, how did those things happen? Why aren't the guilty paying the repair bills?

Silvers11 · 31/12/2023 17:35

Oh Dear @Nicnac12 That's a difficult one and your OH should have discussed this with you first, absolutely no question.

First of all, I think you need to find out how long they are planning on being in the UK. I think it would be reasonable for them to stay for maybe 3 nights with you while they are over here ( it's your OH's house as well as yours). Perhaps you could work from home using your bedroom for a day or two if necessary? Perhaps have them with you for a weekend, so that maybe only 1 day when you actually had to work from home?

I think, though, that your OH needs to get back in touch with his friend ASAP and say that they are still welcome to stay with you for said 3, or whatever, nights, but he has realised that it would be impractical for them to stay for the whole time they are in the UK as you work from home and that therefore there isn't suitable accommodation with you for more than that and also, he is sure that they won't want to stay so far out of London/will take ages for them to go in under their own steam and it isn't something either of you could do to help, due to work commitments for most of the days they are here.

In any case, even if they were wanting to stay longer, or your OH wants them to, neither of you are under any obligation to ferry them about. They just need to be aware how far out of London you actually are and are made aware, urgently, that they will have to make their own arrangements for sightseeing etc.

If OH won't do it, then I think you need to do it ASAP. Good Luck

StripeyDeckchair · 31/12/2023 17:47

Dear DH friend
In the interests of clarity before you come to stay

  • the room you & your friend will sleep in is also my office. I work Mon- Fri 8.30- 17.00 so you will not be able to use the room during these times.
  • buses to the station leave at X times and take about 40 minutes
  • trains to London leave from X Station. You can find the timetable and fares online.
  • we usually have cereal for breakfast before getting the kids to school & starting work. They will be in the cupboard for you to help yourselves
  • we eat at X in the evening, please let us know the day before if you are joining us. Its usually something fairly quick & simple - pasta, stir fry, whatever

If you want any additional local information feel free to contact DH who will help you.
See you in [date]

It's all down to your DH to sort from then onwards. Including cleaning and setting up the room before they arrive.

Hadjab · 31/12/2023 17:54

"I feel either we will need to drive them to and from the station/ and of take time off work. Not sure why they can’t stay in London and we can go see them for a day"

'We' don't need to take time off. Your husband does. He issued the invite, he can do any driving that may be required. He can also do all of the hosting.

UsingChangeofName · 31/12/2023 18:37

Every time his friends or family come something breaks last time it was the sink and toilet, which cost me £300 to fix and coordinate the plumber for. Time before the coat hanger which made a massive hole in the hallway wall which I had to coordinate the decorator to come fix.

Complete red herring though I am fascinated as to what happened on these occasions . Obviously normal people who stay with a friend, don't go round damaging their friends' homes, and if this is the best reason you can come up with, then you are really clutching at straws.

It is lovely to have people come and visit and I would never deprive him of seeing his friend. The trip is not to come see him. His friend was coming with her friend to the UK anyway. It is different to when his family/ friends are coming especially to see him.
But when you live abroad, you factor in seeing friends at the time you are in your home country. No, not a specific trip to see one friend, but a getting round as many folk as you can.

Original poster
Nicnac12 · 31/12/2023 18:54

UsingChangeofName · 31/12/2023 18:37

Every time his friends or family come something breaks last time it was the sink and toilet, which cost me £300 to fix and coordinate the plumber for. Time before the coat hanger which made a massive hole in the hallway wall which I had to coordinate the decorator to come fix.

Complete red herring though I am fascinated as to what happened on these occasions . Obviously normal people who stay with a friend, don't go round damaging their friends' homes, and if this is the best reason you can come up with, then you are really clutching at straws.

It is lovely to have people come and visit and I would never deprive him of seeing his friend. The trip is not to come see him. His friend was coming with her friend to the UK anyway. It is different to when his family/ friends are coming especially to see him.
But when you live abroad, you factor in seeing friends at the time you are in your home country. No, not a specific trip to see one friend, but a getting round as many folk as you can.

It just seems to happen, not sure why things seem to break when they come over and not when it is my friends or family. One person found it fun to play with the sink stopper (18 year old) until it got stuck and fell through the drain.
The friend in question is not from the UK - she is coming on a holiday to UK and Europe with her friend and my DH just happened to stay they could stay with us. It is not a trip home or a trip to see him. It is a planned holiday etc.
My issue is not knowing who his friends friend is. Maybe I am weird judging by some of the comments but for me his friends friend is a stranger and it feels weird to have her in our house (if the person was a friend of my husbands it would not be an issue but he doesn’t know who she is, nothing about her etc) I also do not speak their language so it becomes a bit more awkward. His friend on the other hand I know well and coordinated a trip for her a few years back to come and stay with us and surprise my husband for his birthday.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 31/12/2023 19:39

When someone I know well says 'can I bring my friend', then I would trust their judgement about that friend.
Your dh is just offering them a place to crash for a small part of their travelling. Like normal people would.

MeridianB · 31/12/2023 20:09

Every time his friends or family come something breaks last time it was the sink and toilet, which cost me £300 to fix and coordinate the plumber for. Time before the coat hanger which made a massive hole in the hallway wall which I had to coordinate the decorator to come fix.

Did the guests not offer to pay for their damage? Why didn’t DH pay and coordinate the tradesmen?

If DH won’t be around to clean/host/cook/taxi then they can’t stay. He’s already commandeered your workspace. How would he react if you did this to him?! YANBU!