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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

House guests

71 replies

Nicnac12 · 31/12/2023 15:15

DH was talking to his friend who lives abroad and who he has known for 30 years. She mentioned she is coming to the UK and Europe in Spring with a friend of hers who he doesn’t know; he told her they can come and stay with us whilst in the UK. He never asked me what I thought but just told me in passing. We do have a 4 bed house, however the 4th bedroom is my office (work from home) and I just don’t feel comfortable having his friend come and stay with someone we don’t know. I don’t like people staying at the best of times as I feel I need to run around, cook, clean etc and I just want to relax in the evenings. Should I just suck it up. If the situation was reversed I would have asked him what he thought before offering. We also do not live that close to London - would need to drive to a station or they would need to take a bus - 30mins to station and 50mins to London. I feel either we will need to drive them to and from the station/ and of take time off work. Not sure why they can’t stay in London and we can go see them for a day. The holiday is not planned around the friend coming to see my DH.

OP posts:

NearlyMonday · 31/12/2023 20:11

Your dh is just offering them a place to crash for a small part of their travelling. Like normal people would.

But there’s no room??

Original poster

Nicnac12 · 31/12/2023 20:18

MeridianB · 31/12/2023 20:09

Every time his friends or family come something breaks last time it was the sink and toilet, which cost me £300 to fix and coordinate the plumber for. Time before the coat hanger which made a massive hole in the hallway wall which I had to coordinate the decorator to come fix.

Did the guests not offer to pay for their damage? Why didn’t DH pay and coordinate the tradesmen?

If DH won’t be around to clean/host/cook/taxi then they can’t stay. He’s already commandeered your workspace. How would he react if you did this to him?! YANBU!

No they didn’t and he would never ask them. He thinks because I work from home I can do the coordination and getting someone to fix the items.

He leaves for work early and is home about 4ish. I work from home but have a very stressful job leading a term globally which means I often do 7am calls and have calls that can be at 9/ 10pm. Not unknown for me to do a call earlier or later depending on the emergency at work.

I often have to coordinate running to take kids to school whilst having calls in the car and prior to that manically doing breakfast lunch boxes etc!

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 31/12/2023 20:19

Start by asking him where he thinks they’re staying because obviously they can’t use your office. Also, how long is the stay? The entire duration of the trip?

KTheGrey · 31/12/2023 20:51

You work from home. It's unfair to take your workspace away without a chat first. So if they come, will you have to stay in a Premier Inn or something to get work done?

PurpleBugz · 31/12/2023 21:17

He should have asked but I do think it's his house too so he should be allowed guests. ON CONDITION he is the one doing all the running around. Absolutely do not take on hostess duties yourself they are his guests he must do the work

Gymnopedie · 31/12/2023 21:34

I often have to coordinate running to take kids to school whilst having calls in the car and prior to that manically doing breakfast lunch boxes etc!

Right, so he's a lazy arse who thinks that anything other than him going to work is your responsibility. I can see why he never even consulted you, because in his eyes you are just a domestic appliance. Your job sounds like you might earn quite well - are you the breadwinner too?

Maybe this is the wake up call you need to see how things are and have a very serious talk with him.

In the meantime find out how long he thinks these people will be at yours for and don't be afraid to put a limit on it. I assume he's also expecting that you will feed them and that basically they'll have a lovely free holiday. If you do have separate finances, make sure he pays for their expenses.

UsingChangeofName · 31/12/2023 21:35

But there’s no room??

I doubt anyone is expecting a penthouse suite.
I don't know the layout of the house, or the ages of the dc or whatever, but, where a child is lucky enough to have a bedroom for themselves, surely it is generally not that strange to bunk in with your sibling for a few days when you have guests ?
Or sleep on the floor of the office (either the guests or one of the dc - who will be at school when the OP is working)
Or in a living room (as I say, I don't know the layout of the house)
I mean, I could easily work at the desk in one of my dc's rooms for a couple of days to let guests have the spare bedroom I usually work in. Or the kitchen table. Or in the living room. Or the dining room.

PeppermintPatty10 · 31/12/2023 21:45

I just want to chime in that your children share the house too and for their safety and comfort I would never want someone staying over who I didn't know well.

You've got a working house and busy life and it's not going to be possible for these people to stay.

Maybe the friend and her friend are also having the conversation about how to tell you that they want to get a hotel and would rather not stay!

Original poster

Nicnac12 · 31/12/2023 21:55

PeppermintPatty10 - thank you this is where my mind was going, I don’t know 1 of the people at all and I don’t need the stress with the kids as well - it is not like they are family where we would have planned time off work and made sure we can all spend a lovely time together. Whilst yes my husband has know his friend for many years, he had lived out of his home country for over 20 years and in the 20 years has seen her 4 times and talks maybe twice a year. We are not talking about a best friend or childhood friend for life etc. I have no idea who the other person is nor does he.

UsingChangeofName - why would I inconvenience the kids they have a large age difference and 1 is doing their GCSE’s so does not need extra stress of sharing a room and tbh I wouldn’t sleep on the floor for a guest - if it was my MIL it would be different.

Gymnopedie - yes I am the main breadwinner and we have shared finance although my income covers our household costs etc

I think I will leave it for now and see nearer the time what the dates are and plans etc, as if it is a weekend it might be ok

OP posts:

PeppermintPatty10 · 31/12/2023 22:04

Right your update makes me even more certain that you need to say no. Not 'ok but only for a night/if it's over a weekend' etc.

You can always give your husband a reason to help him to tell his friend, so that he can say 'Oh actually NicNak just told me that work is going to be particularly busy that month as she's preparing for a presentation/our son has got exams, so we can't have any houseguests at all. Would be lovely to see you for a meal in London when you're here.'

He can tell them now and then it'll be off your mind!

forrestgreen · 31/12/2023 22:18

Dh can you get back to your friend to check a few details.
How long
Are they happy sharing a blow up bed in the lounge as you don't have a spare bedroom (if he looks at you, remind him that you have a job, it requires calls. Confidentiality etc and you're not taking a holiday on those days
They're happy making the x min journey to the train Station.
Unless Dh is looking to take days off..

Basically don't say no but make it clear it's not the easy thing he thought of

NearlyMonday · 31/12/2023 23:18

Crashing’ may work in student accommodation and house shares, but if you’ve got a husband, 2 children and a full time job (which involves using a home office) then it’s just not practical

SteadyEddi · 31/12/2023 23:37

My husband would not need to ask, nor would I need to ask either if I had people staying. We would check wether visits clash with activities but otherwise wouldn’t worry. Guests would likely sleep in the lounge or we would offer them our bedroom and we would sleep in kids rooms with the kids.

NearlyMonday · 01/01/2024 08:45

SteadyEddi · 31/12/2023 23:37

How long would you be prepared to sleep in the lounge for, or share with the kids (I don’t think the OP and her husband have room to share with their kids) and how would you feel about hosting a stranger?

shamshir · 01/01/2024 08:52

I don't understand the whole "it's his home" posts- yes, it is, and it's also OP's home and he invited people without running it past her first. Not only that, he has shown that because she works from home he is expecting her to host them whilst he is at work. No. Just no. If he wants to invite people to stay without asking then HE needs to be taking time off work to host them, HE needs to be preparing the meals etc

Why the fck should she get lumped with all of it when she didnt even have a choice in the matter? OP- you need to be very firm about this- if they come, he has to do all the prep/hosting because it was his decision. I suspect if you do this, his generous invitations will mysteriously lessen greatly.

NearlyMonday · 01/01/2024 09:01

I’ve had to put my foot down with DH, and say that if his relatives insist on using us like a Travelodge, I will be saying NO to any midweek visits.

DH just doesn’t think it through, he forgets that one of us will need to be at home when they arrive to let them in, and also be around the following morning to despatch them (and then ensure pets are in the right place before setting the alarm and locking up). He sometimes offers to cook but that’s not the whole solution. We both work full time and have hobbies and midweek guests just grind us to a halt.

The other issue is I can’t switch off/relax if I’m supposed to be in entertaining mode and find it exhausting.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/01/2024 09:07

Your entire problem isn't the guests at all.

It's how you seem to do everything.

You just casually throw in to all your posts 'I'll have to sort/do X' . That's your problem right there. No, no, no. Take a big deep breath and step back from it all. If his friends are coming, then and this is obvious really HE does all the work involved. Go out if it makes it easier for you. Go on a mini break.

Beautiful3 · 01/01/2024 09:28

I honestly find it strange he would welcome 2 people, without checking with you first. You're a family with kids. It's not a student house. When they come, I'd carry on as normal, they can catch buses and trains to head into London. There's no need to ferry them around. I'd actually make a book of information with bus numbers and routes, what's in the area, a local map with your address in etc. They can sort themselves out with journey planner apps and taxis.

mindutopia · 01/01/2024 09:41

You don’t have a spare room, certainly not for two people. Would they even know they’d be sharing a bed? Do you even have a bed in your office? I don’t have one in mine (any unlucky soul has to sleep on a stained single mattress on the floor that dh drags out from storage). As a grown up, I’d not be keen to be sharing a bed with my friend or sleeping in some random’s house. Your dh just needs to apologise and say you don’t have space for them.

Therealjudgejudy · 01/01/2024 09:42

This reply has been deleted

We are taking this down as it is not in the spirit of the site.

SeasideA · 01/01/2024 11:47

Just say no and provide some local AirBnB’s to stay in. Don’t let your husband railroad you into taking on anymore stress by his friends staying. Make plans to see them for dinner and leave it at that. Perhaps hubby can go on a trip to see them for a weekend and leave you in peace. Do not people please if it makes you stressed and anxious!! Make it your mantra for 2024.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/01/2024 12:16

I think I will leave it for now and see nearer the time what the dates are and plans etc, as if it is a weekend it might be ok

I’m the opposite, I would want it to be sorted now so I’m not worrying about it?! Surely the dates are all planned?

They can’t stay in your office together if you’re working in it, can they?

UsingChangeofName · 01/01/2024 16:28

To set a good example ?
To be hospitable?
Because people did it for me when I was traveling?
Because people do it for my dc when they are traveling?
Because it's nice?

Not sure how it is 'stressful' to share a room with your brother or sister for a couple of nights months before you do your GCSEs

No-one is asking you to sleep on the floor.

NearlyMonday · 01/01/2024 17:52

I think I will leave it for now and see nearer the time what the dates are and plans etc, as if it is a weekend it might be ok

OP, this needs sorting out now, what if the arrangement is for 3 months????!

Tribblesarelovely · 01/01/2024 17:59

UsingChangeofName · 31/12/2023 16:47

I think YABU.
When you travel to another country, it is great to have somewhere to lay your head for a while. Why would you have to run round after them ? People staying - as adults - can look after themselves. A bit of advice about how to get about and access to washing machine. Accommodation in London will cost them a fortune. It is great to be able to make that saving. I imagine it will be lovely for your dh to catch up with his friend and spend a bit of time together.

Her DH didn’t consult her, the only available bedroom is her office, how is that okay ?

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