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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell you about my experience of bereavement - day 3

65 replies

butterlover · 31/12/2023 15:10

On Friday, totally unexpectedly my beautiful 39 year old sister died, she collapsed in her kitchen making breakfast and I think had some sort of catastrophic cardiac or neurological event. She was healthy, no underlying conditions and she's gone leaving my utterly devastated BIL and their DS7 and DD10 behind.

It's now day 3 and and I'm completely overcome with it. Friday and yesterday were OK, kinda weird, I was convincing myself I was doing OK, totally shocked by it but OK. This morning I'm heartbroken, I'm still sitting here in my PJs can't pull myself together I really don't know what to do. God this is the worst thing I've ever had to deal with and I just can't stop thinking about her children and BIL and all the plans they'd made all the plans for the future gone.

OP posts:

Mammyloveswine · 31/12/2023 20:11

Oh god OP I'm so so sorry. How awful. The shock of such a sudden and unexpected death is just horrific.

Just take each day one at a time..be kind to yourself. Do what you need to do to get through.

Sending so much love and strength.

RobertaFirmino · 31/12/2023 20:35

I'm so sorry. My DM was killed 3 months ago, a van driver went into reverse without checking so I can well understand your shock and disbelief. I assume your darling sister is with the coroner, hopefully her PM won't take too long. I've got no constructive advice, having spent the past 3 months in denial but I want you to know that if you need a pal who gets it, I am here.

RobertaFirmino · 31/12/2023 20:37

@Imnotadentist Thank you for posting PP's advice, it makes complete sense to me.

Original poster

butterlover · 31/12/2023 21:33

Hi, thanks everyone. It's a huge comfort to know how I'm feeling is ok and that it'll hopefully become easier as time goes on. I've had a shower and BIL and the kids are over here for the night, he and I and my DH have had a really good cry together and we all feel a lot better. all 7 of us are currently squeezed up on the sofa watching a movie and it feels a lot better than it did this morning.

OP posts:

Emmadaily · 31/12/2023 22:46

Glad to hear that you are all together at this very most sad and emotional time
So sorry for your loss
I know I don't know you but want to send you a big hug

Take good care of yourselves x

Imnotadentist · 31/12/2023 23:04

Thank you for your update OP. I’m glad that you are able to comfort each other this evening. Take care of yourself.

Cmonluv · 31/12/2023 23:07

I'm so sorry, I'm 10 years after losing my mum in her 50s and those first days are so intensely awful. Please just don't have too many expectations of yourself, whatever you are feeling, however you react is ok. It's awful and sad and life changing the first time you lose someone so close and too young and circumstances for your sister are even sadder and more tragic than my mum's passing.

I'm so sorry.

acquiescence · 31/12/2023 23:12

So sorry to read this. It sounds truly awful. I appreciate your post on AIBU- such a popular forum, I understand the need to make people awake of how these awful things can happen and how it could be any of us. No one can truly know unless it happens.

My toddler died in a similar way 4 years ago. I would like you to know that life moves forwards and you can and most likely will find some peace and happiness again, as will her husband and children. The immediate shock and the brutality of the grief is like nothing else. It does soften. She will always be with you.

fifteenthirty · 31/12/2023 23:15

butterlover · 31/12/2023 21:33

Ahh, I'm glad to read this. In the aftermath of my mum dying suddenly of a heart attack, our family hunkered down together on day 4 and I started reading out a beautiful story from a book my mum had been reading. It was like everyone just needed to be close and feel safe again and reading a story was the only way we knew how. There is something about a sudden loss that makes you feel unsafe. It's good to huddle together.

These are massively precious moments.

DixonD · 31/12/2023 23:15

I’m so sorry to hear this - what an awful shock for you and her family.

I lost a sibling suddenly too; he had a heart condition but it was still unexpected. He was only 4 and I was 7. It was 34 years ago but the grief is still there. You don’t get over it; you just have to live with it.

merryandbrightdelight · 31/12/2023 23:19

How awfully tragic, I am so deeply sorry for your loss

Maray1967 · 31/12/2023 23:21

I’m so sorry.
You need to be gentle with yourself and do the best you can to cope with each day. My loved one’s early death was not sudden but I can remember that terrible shock of realising I would never speak to her again.
You find ways of coping. 💐

bringon2024 · 31/12/2023 23:25

Alwaystired23 · 31/12/2023 23:35

I'm so sorry, OP. I lost a close relative suddenly. She was young, too. She lost consciousness and died in hospital less than 2 days later. She never regained consciousness. She had a bleed on the brain. The shock was awful. Just do what you need to do to get through these days.

Nicole1111 · 31/12/2023 23:50

Sending you all love and strength

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