AIBU to tell you about my experience of bereavement - day 3

[butterlover]

On Friday, totally unexpectedly my beautiful 39 year old sister died, she collapsed in her kitchen making breakfast and I think had some sort of catastrophic cardiac or neurological event. She was healthy, no underlying conditions and she's gone leaving my utterly devastated BIL and their DS7 and DD10 behind.

It's now day 3 and and I'm completely overcome with it. Friday and yesterday were OK, kinda weird, I was convincing myself I was doing OK, totally shocked by it but OK. This morning I'm heartbroken, I'm still sitting here in my PJs can't pull myself together I really don't know what to do. God this is the worst thing I've ever had to deal with and I just can't stop thinking about her children and BIL and all the plans they'd made all the plans for the future gone.

OP, my heart goes out to you. I lost my husband in 2016 (seems like yesterday). He was 47, healthy, no underlying anything. He had a massive brain haemorraghe and suddenly dropped down dead in front of me in our hallway. We were about to go shopping.

Sending love and strength to everyone here who has lost loved ones.

I'm so sorry Op, your Sister was far too young to die and when someone doesn't seem to be ill it's even more shocking. Please don't feel you have to pull yourself together, how can you, someone you loved dearly has gone. I've sadly had a few bereavements and the time between the passing and the funeral is always difficult, so much sorrow but so much that needs doing, it doesn't feel like reality until the funeral.
Writing a letter to your DS is a lovely idea, or maybe there is a special memory of you together that could be included in her funeral services?

If your BIL has her phone then texting will be upsetting for him, but why dont you set up an email account for your sister? That's what I did when I lost my brother, I have a gmail account in his nickname and email him often. We were big on messaging each other and I like being able to fire off a note to him from my phone. One day I will look at them, but not yet.

Go easy on yourself OP x

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Having lost my only sibling in tragic circumstances at a young age, its akin to a life sentence. You have a long road to travel.

Try to take some small comfort from the fact that part of them lives on through their children. I would give anything to have that.

Oh my goodness I am so so sorry. Thinking of you all.

I'm sorry for your loss @butterlover
Take your time, this is a major loss which will take a LOT of time before it even begins to feel a bit better.
You are going to hurt and feel raw grief for a while. It's normal to feel angry, confused, weepy, depressed, longing, etc. Allow yourself to feel what you feel.

I don't know if you like writing but you could buy a special diary and write to your sister. you can tell her how you are feeling, and about your day.

I like the idea of making an email address and sending her emails too.

Love,
Blossomingx

I lost my sister in a similar way 10 years ago, at 33 she collapsed in the kitchen making breakfast and died within minutes. It turned out to be a dvt which had travelled to her lung.
All I can say is take every day as it comes, some will be better than others. But days like this when you need to stay in your pjs and cry, do it! You can't be strong for everyone else all the time.
Your BIL and the children will need you, but you can only be there for them if you allow yourself to grieve as well.
Sending lots of love xx

So so sorry to read this OP. Please be kind to yourself. It's only been 3 days since you received such traumatic and very sudden, unexpected news. Just try to deal with each day as it comes, one day at a time. Sending Virtual Hugs

Oh my goodness, what an awful shock and a tragedy. I don't know what to say except I am so sorry, and sending love to you and your family.

What a dreadful thing to happen
I'm so sorry

Sorry to everyone on this thread who has lost a loved one. Such tragic stories here. Xx

God what an awful shock. So tragic, you will be reeling for a very long time OP.

Help her children and DH, your parents, but also help yourself. Take each moment as it comes, don't be afraid of strange / weird thoughts and dreams.

Counselling may help (Cruse), just talking to friends or on here.

There is no wrong way to grieve. Make sure you eat, try not to drink too much. Don't hold back tears - they are important to release pain and help healing.

Talk to her (in your head) or write her letters to get it out.

I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry for your loss.

My best advice is that there is no way you have to act. If you can’t get dressed then don’t. These are very early days and all you can do is look after yourself.

Again, I am so very sorry xx

So sorry for your loss OP. I.lost my partner suddenly 2 years and it is still incredibly painful. I would say be kind to yourself. As people have said there is no way you grieve. It is very early days. I read something that said grief is like a wave, it retreats then crashes into you when you least expect it. I signed up for txt support from Sue Ryder. Sometimes I found it helpful then other times when the txt arrived it was unwelcome and i would read when i felt stronger. Uiu viukd ask gp re counselling.
Take care OP

So sorry to hear this OP, my brother died in his sleep a few years ago also age 39 and it was a horrible time. I’m still not ‘over’ it and I don’t suppose I ever will be. Some days it is harder and some days are easier, just focus on getting through each day at the moment xxx

I'm so so sorry, that is heartbreaking. You definitely will be in complete shock. My family member died last month but we had three months from her being diagnosed to know she was dying and I still went in shock and was surprised how well I was coping for the first few days to couple of weeks, then it hit me. Even now I still forget and go to call or message.

In your situation, with her being so young and so sudden I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Please be kind to yourself, go with your feelings and if you work and are due back next week take time off if you can't face it. Talk about her as much as you need to. Some days youl feel like you've been punched in the chest and are winded by your grief, others you might not be too bad and be smiling at the happy memories, some youl feel okay then a thought comes totally out the blue and blindsides you. It's always terrible to lose a loved one but this time of year when you see people posting happy posts makes it all the harder. I deactivated social media for awhile and that helped. Please post here as much or little as you need, sending you all lots of love and strength.

I lost my mum in similar circumstances, she collapsed in the kitchen too but died 12 hours later in hospital (was a brain aneurysm) I'm so sorry for your loss, it doesn't ever go away but you learn to live with it and your life builds around it. Very early days, be kind to yourself

I am so sorry for your dear sister’s death, OP.

I lost my beloved baby brother in a sports accident, thought to be induced by a medical event, over a year ago. (Think losing consciousness whilst biking in brutal heat and going over a cliff, for example) For almost a year I really thought I would fall apart.

Now although there are dark times I feel, as a PP said, that perhaps I am starting slowly to grow around the grief. I am finding ways to honour him. Some of his friends have become mine. DH, my family and a few friends have been wonderful. There is some joy. None of this is to minimise that I still miss my brother fiercely every day and I hope I always will: he is worth it.

I am no royalist but I think the late Queen was right when she said that grief is the price we pay for love.

My heart breaks for you! My sister died from one moment to the next at a similar age, I was with her.
I have no words of wisdom for you as I just cope with it. As a previous poster said it will be a long road to travel. 2 years on I have no answers at all. But go gently on yourself and do what feels right for you. I just wanted to talk to people all the time. Talk and talk! Sending enormous love and strength to you.

It's very early days for you to even start to accept what has happened. I lost my beloved brother in much the same way 5 years ago. He had a massive heart attack at home and it was such a terrible shock & I was just numb and couldn't believe it.
I was also overcome with guilt that despite being really close I hadn't made more of an effort to see him more often and because he died so suddenly I didn't get the chance to say goodbye or tell him how much I loved him.
It's a cliché but time really does make things easier, you never get over it you just learn to live with it...sending you massive hugs and so sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry to hear about your sister OP 💐

My eldest DC died suddenly and unexpectedly. I echo what other people have said.

Do whatever you need to get through these early days and weeks. Like PP mentioned I found talking helpful, but DH found his own ways. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and no timeline to follow. Something that surprised me about grief is how much it hurts, not just emotionally but mentally and physically, be gentle on yourself.

My grief hasn't lessened in the years since DC died but I have gotten better at managing it and more importantly life has grown around it, it isn't at the forefront of everything so much anymore. Unfortunately it takes time. Accept the help and support from those who offer it, people who care about you will want to help however they can.

@butterlover I’m so sorry for your loss and can’t even begin to imagine the pain. Let yourself grieve however feels right for you, from one hour to the next. Be kind to yourself and let the tears flow. X

I am so sorry OP. Sending you massive hugs.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. Usually when you experience a sudden loss, there's a minimum of a few days of bewildered shock where you can't feel anything. And then the horror of it all starts to poke through but even then you can be on auto pilot for days and weeks. There's no advice anyone can give you except for 'feel what you feel'. If you need to sit in your Pjs all day and sob then you should. If you need to keep busy, then you should. I think your body and mind will tell you what you need.

So sad to hear this and the many other losses here.
I lost my DH in 2020 after a 6 mth cancer battle, we still forget sometimes he isn't here.
Your sister will never leave your heart or mind, grief never leaves we just learn to live with it.