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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell you about my experience of bereavement - day 3

65 replies

butterlover · 31/12/2023 15:10

On Friday, totally unexpectedly my beautiful 39 year old sister died, she collapsed in her kitchen making breakfast and I think had some sort of catastrophic cardiac or neurological event. She was healthy, no underlying conditions and she's gone leaving my utterly devastated BIL and their DS7 and DD10 behind.

It's now day 3 and and I'm completely overcome with it. Friday and yesterday were OK, kinda weird, I was convincing myself I was doing OK, totally shocked by it but OK. This morning I'm heartbroken, I'm still sitting here in my PJs can't pull myself together I really don't know what to do. God this is the worst thing I've ever had to deal with and I just can't stop thinking about her children and BIL and all the plans they'd made all the plans for the future gone.

OP posts:
OutYerEd · 31/12/2023 15:17

That is so awfully shocking and sad. I can’t even comprehend it. I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers.

I lost my dearest and one of my oldest friends to an aggressive form of cancer in 2021. It happened so quickly. Three young children left behind.

I was still in deep, deep shock for the first year after they passed. I don’t even remember the early days. I couldn’t really comprehend the enormity of what had happened or what that meant for everyone left behind. I’m still deeply affected and don’t think I’ll ever really be healed, just learn to live with it a bit better I guess?

The sudden nature of your sister’s death must make it even more surreal and devastating. God, I’m so sorry. Do you have real life support?

tsmainsqueeze · 31/12/2023 15:18

I am so very sorry .

commonground · 31/12/2023 15:20

I'm really sorry for your loss. What a terrible thing to happen.

Can you go and be/stay with your BIL and the kids? Often it feels worse if you are away from the situation but if you are there you can be practical (feed the kids/make cups of tea/sit and watch TV with them) it might help -all of you?

grievingandhurt · 31/12/2023 15:21

I am so very sorry for your loss of your sister. I lost my 42yo brother to a tragic accident in September and haven't even begun to come to terms with it. He was my best friend and I miss him terribly.
Be gentle with yourself, take things a day/hour/minute at a time. Some days you'll function - other days you really won't, and that's ok.
Thinking of you Flowers

DemelzaandRoss · 31/12/2023 15:24

So sorry for you & your family.
All you can do is take each hour of the day as it happens.
Sending you 💐💐

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 31/12/2023 15:24

That's absolutely awful, I'm so sorry. Do not put yourself under any pressure to be okay. You're allowed to fall apart. Have you got a good friend who would be available to just listen so you can talk.

witte · 31/12/2023 15:24

Oh that's utterly heartbreaking. I'm so sorry Flowers

Imnotadentist · 31/12/2023 15:25

I’m so sorry to read about your sisters sudden death. I lost a sibling very suddenly four years ago. It still hasn’t really hit me tbh. I think they are still there but it’s just that I haven’t seen them for a while. I found an old card they sent me this morning and I found that strangely upsetting.
I think Phillipa Perry who writes the problem page for the Observer newspaper is very good on grief. You might want to look at her writing sometime in the future.

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 31/12/2023 15:28

My Mum died a few months ago but this was expected and for us there was a lot of anticipatory grief. For me the day after she died was the worse. Based on my experiences, although for someone older and expected, I think you’re experiencing the worst day now.

You don’t need to pull yourself together.

FlabMonsterIsDietingAgain · 31/12/2023 15:28

So sorry for your loss. FlowersFlowers

I lost my mum when I was 21, brothers were 18,16 and 5 at the time and it was incredibly sudden, no notice at all.

It will feel like this for a while, days when you wake up and forget for a few seconds then it hits you and knocks all the breath out of your body, days when you wake up and feel OK and are able to function, days when you think you're ok then hear a song, smell a smell or see someone that looks like them and you end up stood in the supermarket trying not to break down.

The only thing I can suggest is to feel it, let yourself just react the way you react for a few weeks. Bottling it up or forcing yourself to pretend you're ok won't help in the long run, if you need to sit alone, walk, scream, work, exercise, drive 100 miles with hard metal playing while you shout along, gorge on 3 tubs of celebrations till you make yourself sick, write down every thought in a diary (some of mine were horrible,I was so angry, I thought and wrote things I could never have said aloud to anyone)......

Your BIL and the children will need support, now of course but more importantly 4/8/12/16 weeks from now when everyone else has moved on and the offers of help have drifted away.

user14699084787 · 31/12/2023 15:29

So sorry OP.
You are in shock, and will be for a while.
When someone is ill, you start grieving and preparing yourself for the death some time before.
When its an accident or very sudden illness you dont have that “head start” and its a lot tougher experience.
One day at a time OP. 💐

Sparklesocks · 31/12/2023 15:30

Utterly horrendous- I’m so sorry. Please do whatever you need to.

EternalHeadache · 31/12/2023 15:31

I am so so sorry OP. What a shock. I bet you can’t even believe what has just happened. This is unimaginable grief for you all. Sending you all the hugs in the world. Life can be so damn cruel xxx

Imnotadentist · 31/12/2023 15:34

Following on from my post above, Here is a little bit of the advice from Phillipa that I found helpful, and I’m posting it here in the hope that it may help you.
For context, Phillipa is advising someone whose parent died alone during Covid.

AIBU to tell you about my experience of bereavement - day 3
Original poster
butterlover · 31/12/2023 15:35

I think the worst part is I keep forgetting and remembering she's gone, we're very close, both in where we live and just being a big part of each other's lives. I woke up this morning and it took a few seconds to recall what has happened and it was like a massive kick in the gut. I keep wanting to text her, just crap about this and that. My DH and my kids are over with BIL now, I was going to go too but couldn't find the focus to get dressed.

I just can't believe I'll never talk to her again.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 31/12/2023 15:35

Imnotadentist · 31/12/2023 15:34

Following on from my post above, Here is a little bit of the advice from Phillipa that I found helpful, and I’m posting it here in the hope that it may help you.
For context, Phillipa is advising someone whose parent died alone during Covid.

That's a very good post. I'm sorry op.

luckylavender · 31/12/2023 15:36

So very sorry for your loss. Love you everyone.

Mistletoewench · 31/12/2023 15:38

I am so sad to hear your news. I lost my sister to Cancer 7 years ago. She was 44.
Please give yourself time to grieve, I rushed back to work too quickly, and ended up having a breakdown a year later on the anniversary of her death.
Keep talking, we are hear for you ❤️

Dartsplayer · 31/12/2023 15:42

So very sorry for your loss. My sister died suddenly mid forties last year. You are still in shock 3 days after. You need time to process it. We were close like you and your sister and even now I sometimes go to pick up the phone then it hits you all over again. . Be kind to yourself in the coming days and weeks

BumpheadParrotfish · 31/12/2023 15:47

So sorry for your loss. My sister died of an aggressive cancer this summer, so at least we had a short time to say goodbye. I don't have any advice to make things easier, but be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes.

I still forgot that she's gone and often reach for my phone to message her about something daft or funny that has happened, then it hits me all over again that she's not here.

Makinglists · 31/12/2023 15:53

Be kind to yourself, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I lost DS1 in 2021 - I'm still in shock but as time goes on you start to form a life around your grief. You don't get over it but you live around it. I found focusing on the very minutes, hours of the day helped and finding something constructive to do with those hours - I had never kept a diary but for about 3 months after I wrote everyday- I poured my heart into it, said all the things I couldn't say out loud- I also wrote in the diary to him. I knitted (badly) and read, sometimes about others grief journey's- nothing made it better but it helped me to live. My love to you and your family.xxxx

Bakensmile · 31/12/2023 15:55

So sorry for your loss.

Fraaahnces · 31/12/2023 16:03

I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Grieving is different for everyone and it takes its own time to ease. I can only imagine how helpless and shocked everyone is after such a tragic event.
Why don’t you write about your sister… What she loved doing, what she was like, what made her special to you, to BIL, to her child?
Or write her a letter… or both?

lovelyoldtree · 31/12/2023 16:03

So, so sorry to hear about the loss of your sister. As others have said, you must be in deep shock as well as grief. Go easy on yourself. Much love to you all xxxx

anicecuppateaa · 31/12/2023 16:07

I totally feel the forgetting and remembering she’s gone. It’s been nearly 5 years since dd died and I used to get that feeling a lot. In time your life will grow around your grief. For now, take it one day at a time. I’m so sorry about your sister.

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