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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Caring for elderly parent in law at Christmas

55 replies

muttimalzwei · 31/12/2023 09:51

I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable and spoilt. My father in law is nearly 90, had a stroke and seems to have dementia. My husband and his sister split caring for my father in law between them at Christmas to give his carers a break (they come into his home am and pm to help him dress, breakfast, go shopping) and to spend time with him over the festive period.
It was very difficult this year. He's becoming more incontinent and confused and I dealt with quite a lot of clearing up of wee and poo. He was also sick as a dog after overindulging on chocolates etc. While I want to support my husband and look after my father in law, I found having him at our house incredibly stressful and upsetting as he was difficult to keep safe and also he swore all the time in front of the kids in frustration. It just made Xmas difficult and really stressful. I felt quite battered by it emotionally but haven't mentioned this much to my husband as I don't want to upset him or make him feel like I won't help with his father. But it has been very stressful and physically and mentally hard. When I spoke to friends about this they just said it's normal and just get on with it type of thing. My Mum said this is part of life and just something to deal with. Am I being spoilt and unreasonable to feel like Christmas has just been really hard?

OP posts:

Peridot1 · 31/12/2023 09:53

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. I literally could not do that level of personal care for anyone.

It sounds as if maybe a care home may be needed at this stage. Although it t sounds like he may be very resistant to that.

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 31/12/2023 09:54

My husband was also struggling to cope and felt awful because he was really losing his patience with his Dad. The worst poo issue happened when my husband was out shopping so I dealt with it quickly and didn't mention how bad it was to save my husband's feelings

OP posts:

dcadmamagain · 31/12/2023 09:54

I totally get where you are coming from as my Christmas been similar. I go back to work this week and I feel I haven’t had a break. Unfortunately I think this is just how it has to be - parents get old. As long as your husband is taking a turn to.

try and get some downtime for you

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 31/12/2023 09:55

After his stroke he was in a care home while his home was adapted and he tried to leave nearly every day and was very difficult. He really wants to be in his own home. We don't live nearby so can't provide much care every day

OP posts:

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 31/12/2023 09:57

Yes I do feel like I haven't had a break at all and I'm going back to work feeling battered.

OP posts:

Boomarang · 31/12/2023 10:00

Same situation here- no advice, you guys did what you needed to do- it’s haaaaaard (a thousand times harder and more soul destroying than having a baby), but it’s temporary we can all exhale now until next visit. Well done on being a great daughter in law, I hope your husband is truly appreciative xxx

Tacotortoise · 31/12/2023 10:03

Well it's normal that as people age they deteriorate and its not always pleasant. Its also normal that people are not always prepared to discard their elderly just because they are no longer who they once were (obviously some families do exactly this and if yours is one if them then I can see why your confused at this show of fealty but it really is quite common).
As you father in law deteriorates it is likely that he will no longer be able to be supported at home by carers or visit you for Christmas. So comfort yourself with the fact that, for you at least, this is like to be a 1 time problem.

tescocreditcard · 31/12/2023 10:03

You just need to have an open and honest conversation with your husband.

You should have been open about the poo incident. Why didn't you tell him? Not telling him just makes him think things aren't bad.

He's best left at home with his carers to be honest. You can go and visit him there or at least your husband can.

I wouldn't do it next year if it's been like it this year.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 31/12/2023 10:07

muttimalzwei · 31/12/2023 09:55

It’s all very well, but there often comes a point where 24/7 care and supervision are needed, and a person’s needs have to trump their ‘wants’. Having been through all this twice with both a parent and an in law with dementia, which was utterly exhausting to cope with, not to mention an endless worry, I do sympathise thoroughly.

I don’t know anybody who hasn’t taken the care home decision for a parent without a heavy heart and a lot of agonising, but the fact is that even if it takes a while to settle, many people do very well in them - they aren’t by any means the awful place many people so often like to think.

menopausalmare · 31/12/2023 10:11

I second being honest. As a family you need to discuss how to manage his care, especially around the holidays, and hiding incidents to help manage feelings doesn't give the full picture. Your children also deserve a nice Christmas and shouldn't witness defecation, vomiting or swearing. I wish you all well.

CharmedCult · 31/12/2023 10:12

There’s just no way I could clean up another adults poo.

It sounds to me like it’s not really feasible to have him over for long visits.

If it’s not possible it have him over at your house for just an hour or two, he should be at home with his carers and you visit him.

AnnaMagnani · 31/12/2023 10:16

It's a nice idea to 'give his carers a break' but what your DH is accidentally doing is:

Upsetting his DH by taking him out of his environment and routine
Quite likely giving the carers a pay cut as they are doing fewer visits and not getting bank holiday money
Dumping most of the hard work on his wife while he gets to feel good about himself being kind to the carers and having a family Christmas

Is sounds as if as FIL has deteriorated taking him out of his secure environment is no longer helpful
And while he didn't settle in a care home before, it's very likely he will in the future when he is even less able so the idea shouldn't be written off entirely on the basis of one experience

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 31/12/2023 10:39

Thank you so much for your advice. Husband does know about the poo, I just removed it all and didn't mention that I'd retched and really struggled while cleaning up. He's had far worse to clear up in the past. We have decided that taking him out of his home environment is no longer feasible or fair to my father in law as it's too disorientating. Next year he'll stay in his home and we'll visit him there and take him out for his Xmas lunch. I just feel like I'm being spoilt expecting to have a more relaxing Christmas

OP posts:

ManateeFair · 31/12/2023 10:48

There comes a point when someone needs professional care. It’s not really feasible to provide care for a disabled, doubly incontinent 90-year-old with dementia in your own home.

crumblingschools · 31/12/2023 10:55

If he is having toileting issues does that mean he has to wait hours to be cleaned up between carer visits?

If he is having toileting issues and appears to have lost his filter when it comes to communication, not sure taking out for a meal next Christmas will be feasible. He may deteriorate more during this year.

Do you have regular updates from the carers? Have you got POA in place?

Twiglets1 · 31/12/2023 10:56

I couldn't do this for my in laws tbh, I couldn't cope with clearing up after them if they were doubly incontinent. A one off accident if someone is poorly is one thing but this isn't the case with him, unfortunately. And I wouldn't expect anyone to do it for me when I get elderly.

I think it is a good plan that you have for next year to visit him in his own home and take him out for dinner if he is able to manage that by next Christmas. Keep it short and sweet and pray for no accidents while you are out with him.

I think he needs to be in a home in all honesty.

Greenqueen40 · 31/12/2023 10:56

Realistically is he likely to still be living at his home with carers in a years time? I suspect the Christmas issue may not come up again - and yes people are right it was incredibly naive to have taken out of his settled environment for a busy time like Christmas. Its done now so try and put it behind you, it doesn't seem like anyone's 'fault' just bad decision making.

saraclara · 31/12/2023 11:04

I think it's highly unlikely he'll still be at home next year.

The disorientation thing is very real. The first Christmas that my MIL was in a dementia home, her house was still available and SIL and family used it to stay in when they visited every weekend (they lived some distance away). So they decided to have Christmas there, and bring MIL home to enjoy Christmas with them in her own home.

It didn't work out. For a start, she didn't recognise it as her home, and thought it was her daughter's. And she because disoriented and more confused. She'd just got used to the routines and geography of the care home, so another lot of change just didn't work for her.

SIL had the best of intentions, but...

Gloriousgardener11 · 31/12/2023 11:08

Well look on the bright side, it’s a lesson learnt and you will never have to do it again.
Did he even realise it was Christmas?
It sounds like he’s very close to needing 24 hour care in a home especially if he can’t be kept safe in his own home.
Some people do better when there is round the clock care and become settled in time.
You did your best under difficult circumstances and he is very elderly so well done.

Heyhoherewegoagain · 31/12/2023 11:13

CharmedCult · 31/12/2023 10:12

There’s just no way I could clean up another adults poo.

It sounds to me like it’s not really feasible to have him over for long visits.

If it’s not possible it have him over at your house for just an hour or two, he should be at home with his carers and you visit him.

Until you’re in that position (hopefully you never will be!) it’s easy to make statements like this.

When you’re through the other side of the situation you look back and wonder how you got through it, and the answer is because you have to, you just do.

OP you’re not being spoiled and unreasonable, caring for someone especially when continence is an issue, is bloody hard, especially when you’re thrown in at the deep end

caringcarer · 31/12/2023 11:18

ManateeFair · 31/12/2023 10:48

There comes a point when someone needs professional care. It’s not really feasible to provide care for a disabled, doubly incontinent 90-year-old with dementia in your own home.

This. Tbh it sounds as if he really needs for his own good to be in a care home now. I'd start looking around to try to find the best one you can. I think you need to be honest with your DH about the poo incident or he won't understand the need for care home.

crumblingschools · 31/12/2023 11:18

@Heyhoherewegoagain but what is best for the FIL. Making him travel to another area and stay in what I assume is becoming a strange house to him? If he is only having carers a couple of times a day, I assume that doesn’t always coincide with his toileting needs? Does he want his DIL cleaning him?

Haydenn · 31/12/2023 11:24

i always find this amazing when 2 family members come to an agreement, but then end up dragging in their poor spouses who were never consulted and are just expected to be supportive.
you aren’t being unreasonable in the slightest to want a break from work. And just because your husband has done some of the cleaning work before, doesn’t give him the right to unilaterally sign you up for this kind of work

Beamur · 31/12/2023 11:30

Personally, I think once continence has become an issue, then it's extremely difficult to continue caring at home.
My MIL spent the last 4 years of her life in a care home as we couldn't look after her. She visited us at home on Boxing Day the first year she was there and it was difficult but manageable - after the 2nd visit to us both DH and I agreed not to repeat it. We just weren't able to keep her safe and our house wasn't suitable.
She didn't love living in the home but nothing else was possible.

tescocreditcard · 31/12/2023 11:33

Personally, I think once continence has become an issue, then it's extremely difficult to continue caring at home.

That's a really good point actually - it's probably the realistic sign of when someone needs to be cared for 24/7.

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