Caring for elderly parent in law at Christmas

[muttimalzwei]

I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable and spoilt. My father in law is nearly 90, had a stroke and seems to have dementia. My husband and his sister split caring for my father in law between them at Christmas to give his carers a break (they come into his home am and pm to help him dress, breakfast, go shopping) and to spend time with him over the festive period.
It was very difficult this year. He's becoming more incontinent and confused and I dealt with quite a lot of clearing up of wee and poo. He was also sick as a dog after overindulging on chocolates etc. While I want to support my husband and look after my father in law, I found having him at our house incredibly stressful and upsetting as he was difficult to keep safe and also he swore all the time in front of the kids in frustration. It just made Xmas difficult and really stressful. I felt quite battered by it emotionally but haven't mentioned this much to my husband as I don't want to upset him or make him feel like I won't help with his father. But it has been very stressful and physically and mentally hard. When I spoke to friends about this they just said it's normal and just get on with it type of thing. My Mum said this is part of life and just something to deal with. Am I being spoilt and unreasonable to feel like Christmas has just been really hard?

You did well to look after FIL under some very challenging conditions OP, you are not coming across as spoilt.

DH & I had similar with now late MIL. SIL had no idea how bad things were as she couldn’t visit, but had POA. To cut a long story short, I ended up having to be very blunt with SIL and the care manager, telling them I was no longer prepared to clean up after the poo incidents. MIL , though demented, was adamant that her son should not have to deal with it.

As pp said, it comes down to dignity for the loved one, and often full time care is best .
💐for you. It may not feel like it, but this Christmas may have helped DH and his family see the way forward.

"No choosing a care package isn't discarding someone but never inviting them to your home in case they have a toilet accident, or dribble their tea, or because they're demented might be."
@Tacotortoise it isn't neglect though is it, choosing not to take someone away their familiar home environment so they don't shit themselves in your home is not neglect. Get a fucking grip.

If it upsets them because of their neurological condition, or they end up covered in shit in front of their grandchildren, then it might be the best decision. The person being so distressed that they suddenly can't manage their toilet habits, isn't in their best interests. Possibly next year he won't be aware that it's Christmas day.

@Tacotortoise you have your boundaries and other people have theirs, it's really judgmental and unhelpful to assume that we should all think exactly as you do.

OP you’re not being spoilt, it is incredibly hard and soul destroying. I think you are right though that for your own sanity and for his own dignity it is best to have any future Christmas’s or occasions in his own home. The carer’s don’t need a break per se as they are getting paid to care. If it’s possible to have them there on these days to help with more intimate things then all the better. If they can’t then at least he will be in his own adapted home which I think will feel less intense than having him in your home and probably more comfortable for him.