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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Caring for elderly parent in law at Christmas

55 replies

muttimalzwei · 31/12/2023 09:51

I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable and spoilt. My father in law is nearly 90, had a stroke and seems to have dementia. My husband and his sister split caring for my father in law between them at Christmas to give his carers a break (they come into his home am and pm to help him dress, breakfast, go shopping) and to spend time with him over the festive period.
It was very difficult this year. He's becoming more incontinent and confused and I dealt with quite a lot of clearing up of wee and poo. He was also sick as a dog after overindulging on chocolates etc. While I want to support my husband and look after my father in law, I found having him at our house incredibly stressful and upsetting as he was difficult to keep safe and also he swore all the time in front of the kids in frustration. It just made Xmas difficult and really stressful. I felt quite battered by it emotionally but haven't mentioned this much to my husband as I don't want to upset him or make him feel like I won't help with his father. But it has been very stressful and physically and mentally hard. When I spoke to friends about this they just said it's normal and just get on with it type of thing. My Mum said this is part of life and just something to deal with. Am I being spoilt and unreasonable to feel like Christmas has just been really hard?

OP posts:
Heyhoherewegoagain · 31/12/2023 11:47

crumblingschools · 31/12/2023 11:18

@Heyhoherewegoagain but what is best for the FIL. Making him travel to another area and stay in what I assume is becoming a strange house to him? If he is only having carers a couple of times a day, I assume that doesn’t always coincide with his toileting needs? Does he want his DIL cleaning him?

No it probably isn’t what’s best for him, that wasn’t really what I was answering. From experience you tend to have an experience like OP has had, then realise it’s not sustainable. It’s so hard for everyone

Twiglets1 · 31/12/2023 11:55

tescocreditcard · 31/12/2023 11:33

Personally, I think once continence has become an issue, then it's extremely difficult to continue caring at home.

That's a really good point actually - it's probably the realistic sign of when someone needs to be cared for 24/7.

It’s an interesting one. My MIL has become incontinent with her wees and occasionally doubly incontinent. My SIL who lives nearby has said she will not clean up her mother’s poo and the rest of the family support the stand she is taking (we live 3 hours away and BIL lives abroad).

At the moment she has a husband in his 80s who can clean up after her accidents but for how long? We have started to consider care homes but MIL is resistant. It’s a very difficult situation.

KimberleyClark · 31/12/2023 12:06

I have been in the situation of having to clean both my grandmother’s and mother’s poo. You just get on with it. My mum did go into a home eventually. I do feel for you OP it does sound like your FIL needs to be in a home.

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 31/12/2023 12:12

Continence isn't a big problem when he's in his own home. Bit of wee dribbling and poo on toilet seat occasionally. I think this was because he was disoriented and didn't realise he needed a poo until it was too late. He had tried to hit the toilet but failed. We do have POA and his carers do communicate well. Thanks so much for all your advice. I appreciate it

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 31/12/2023 12:21

KimberleyClark · 31/12/2023 12:06

I have been in the situation of having to clean both my grandmother’s and mother’s poo. You just get on with it. My mum did go into a home eventually. I do feel for you OP it does sound like your FIL needs to be in a home.

With respect @KimberleyClark just because you just got on with it does not mean that everyone will feel obliged or able to do so. As I stated before my SIL who lives locally to my ILS has flat refused to do so and we don’t judge her for that. These expectations do often - not always- seem to fall to daughters rather than sons and not everyone can cope with it.

mumsytoon · 31/12/2023 12:25

I would only clean up after my own parents. Not anyone else's. They are not my parents. I literally would have called dh to come back. He wouldn't have minded though and wouldn't expected me to do that. Even when his family visit he ensures that they also pitch in and help. I wouldn't do this again next year. Can dh and his sister get a temp carer over holidays? So they are there to do all the personal and other stuff while FIL is spending time . Although with the swearing and stuff, that would be a hard no from me.

Tacotortoise · 31/12/2023 12:35

A lot of carers take time off over Christmas and New Year @AnnaMagnani so "giving them a break" may not actually be a choice at all.

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 31/12/2023 12:38

His main carer was taking a well deserved break. Other carers would have been available but he doesn't respond well to people he doesn't know and the best option seemed to be keeping him with us for company and family time. But we were wrong and will need to think about this properly next year.

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 31/12/2023 12:42

You shouldn't have kept the shit incident from your husband but I can understand. Your husband should be made fully aware of the situation.

Terrribletwos · 31/12/2023 12:44

You really need to look into getting a social work assessment. If your FIL is no longer in control of his bowels he needs to be in a care home.

FinallyHere · 31/12/2023 12:49

It's very difficult but I honestly think that human dignity trumps everything else. Double incontinence is best dealt with in a care home setting, where there are sufficient staff to deal with the inevitable situations.

Your DH need to face up to this now. Sorry, but that's how things are now.

It's very kind of you to just step in and not make a fuss. Your DH needs to understand what you are contributing, or you will find yourself sharing the care with your Sil.

Please protect yourself. How much does your SiL's partner do? This is the kind of thing that women are sometimes expected to just get on with. Don't be that person.

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2023 12:49

muttimalzwei · 31/12/2023 09:55

After his stroke he was in a care home while his home was adapted and he tried to leave nearly every day and was very difficult. He really wants to be in his own home. We don't live nearby so can't provide much care every day

There are care homes who care for people with dementia

I think he'd be safer there

I assume his carers aren't full time? So he has time on his own?

Beamur · 31/12/2023 12:58

muttimalzwei · 31/12/2023 12:38

His main carer was taking a well deserved break. Other carers would have been available but he doesn't respond well to people he doesn't know and the best option seemed to be keeping him with us for company and family time. But we were wrong and will need to think about this properly next year.

I think this is fair and realistic. Our old folks needs do change over time and not for the better, so you do need to adjust your own expectations and obligations accordingly.

gratefulforcousins · 31/12/2023 13:08

My MIL has just moved in with us, teo days before Xmas after a full, refuses to now go home and complained that my family would be too noisy for her on Xmas day. We had to cancel. I'm feeling bitter and resentful, flat mood at the thought of what's to come. We can't go out with out checking our diaries, its making work impossible. My sympathy OP it sounds shit, but be honest about what you can snd can't do, you don't have youdo it or just get on with it.

FictionalCharacter · 31/12/2023 13:09

tescocreditcard · 31/12/2023 10:03

You just need to have an open and honest conversation with your husband.

You should have been open about the poo incident. Why didn't you tell him? Not telling him just makes him think things aren't bad.

He's best left at home with his carers to be honest. You can go and visit him there or at least your husband can.

I wouldn't do it next year if it's been like it this year.

I agree OP - don’t pretend it wasn’t as bad as it was, your husband needs full knowledge of his father’s condition.

Your kids don’t deserve to be sworn at, even if FIL is doing it because of his condition rather than maliciously. In these situations you should consider the wellbeing of all the people involved - including your husband, your kids and yourself, not just FIL.

Uricon2 · 31/12/2023 13:17

Has he had an assessment of his cognition yet OP? I'd start with your DH/his siblings talking to GP about all concerns, including how he has deteriorated. I'd also suggest an assessment /reassessment of his needs by adult social care. It doesn't sound as if 2x care visits a day are meeting his needs any more.

These situations can go downhill very, very fast sadly and a lot of care becomes about averting a crisis. Even fully engaged families need help and there is no shame in that.

kerstina · 31/12/2023 13:23

I looked after my mum with dementia for years but always said incontinence was where I would stop. I don’t think you are spoilt at all. You dealt with it but we all have our boundaries.

Shellingbynight · 31/12/2023 13:26

The change in environment will have caused additional confusion and made all his issues worse (as you now realise OP). You weren't to know how it would go, and I am sure you and your husband thought you were doing the best thing.

A year is a long time in dementia world, and if your FIL is still alive he is likely to have deteriorated significantly, so you are absolutely right that it would not be feasible (or kind) to bring him to your house next year.

Re him constantly trying to leave the care home last time, that is very common. It can take a while to settle but when he reaches the point of needing supervision 24/7 there is little choice, and it can work out very well (it has for my mother).

Ponoka7 · 31/12/2023 13:32

muttimalzwei · 31/12/2023 12:38

His main carer was taking a well deserved break. Other carers would have been available but he doesn't respond well to people he doesn't know and the best option seemed to be keeping him with us for company and family time. But we were wrong and will need to think about this properly next year.

Don't make too many decisions about next year because he might not cope going out for Christmas dinner. Just see what this year brings.

readingismycardio · 31/12/2023 13:38

Of course you feel battered, it sounds horrible and extremely hard to offer this level of care to an adult on a personal level - sending hugs and best wishes, OP. Please talk to your husband and tell him how you feel, it's very important.

Ponoka7 · 31/12/2023 13:39

Tacotortoise · 31/12/2023 10:03

Well it's normal that as people age they deteriorate and its not always pleasant. Its also normal that people are not always prepared to discard their elderly just because they are no longer who they once were (obviously some families do exactly this and if yours is one if them then I can see why your confused at this show of fealty but it really is quite common).
As you father in law deteriorates it is likely that he will no longer be able to be supported at home by carers or visit you for Christmas. So comfort yourself with the fact that, for you at least, this is like to be a 1 time problem.

Choosing a care package isn't discarding someone . I'd be mortified if my two son in law's even had to help me dress, let alone clean my shit up. Previous generations rarely had this, people died earlier. This set up wasn't good for the father, the OP or the children, so who did it benefit? There's a lot of neglect of the elderly when left to families. Decisions to keep them from social care are often motivated by hanging on to inheritance.

Tacotortoise · 31/12/2023 13:52

Ponoka7 · 31/12/2023 13:39

Choosing a care package isn't discarding someone . I'd be mortified if my two son in law's even had to help me dress, let alone clean my shit up. Previous generations rarely had this, people died earlier. This set up wasn't good for the father, the OP or the children, so who did it benefit? There's a lot of neglect of the elderly when left to families. Decisions to keep them from social care are often motivated by hanging on to inheritance.

Show quote history

No choosing a care package isn't discarding someone but never inviting them to your home in case they have a toilet accident, or dribble their tea, or because they're demented might be.

crumblingschools · 31/12/2023 14:04

@Tacotortoise if he had a toilet accident because he was disorientated in a different house and had to have his DIL clean him and his mess up, maybe inviting him to their house actually isn’t the right thing to do, and is actually thinking about his dignity

Vinrouge4 · 31/12/2023 15:29

Realistically I doubt whether your FIL will be in his own home next Christmas. When a relative of mine was at this stage a visiting occupational therapist said that she needed to be in a care home. When I protested she said that we weren't thinking about how distressing it was for her and that in a care home she would have carers there 24/7 who would reassure her and look after her without getting impatient.

Tacotortoise · 31/12/2023 15:53

@crumblingschools absolutely. There comes a point with most people with dementia when going out and about is too disorienting or difficult and it's kinder to go and visit them instead. That's very different from refusing to have a parent in your home just in case.

My dad had a very slow decline with dementia and we continued to have him visit us til the last few months of his life. He did start having accidents in the end which is when we went to 24 /7 care. I get that cleaning up an incontinent adult is not fun, I really do. Likewise FiL is perfectly compos mentis but has a catheter bag which sometimes leaks. Mortifying for him, not fun for dh but he's still family and he still gets to visit.

I'm not saying the OP is being spoilt, or thinking it should be her cleaning up after her inlaws. Its clear from her post that her dh was prepped to support his dad but was unfortunately out when the accident occurred. Its also clear that because of this visit, her Fil's children now have a much better idea of how much he's declined and his needs. That's a good thing - it's easy to overestimate someone's capability when their on home turf with someone else doing the care.